Have you ever noticed a pattern you couldn’t pinpoint in your social life? Maybe your romantic relationships have all ended in a similar way. Or perhaps you’ve noticed feeling insecure and unable to connect in a healthy, consistent manner.
If these things sound familiar, disorganized attachment may be an obstacle in your life.
How we relate to others is engrained in our personalities, but only with some influence from our life experiences. Multiple factors, including trauma history and emotional intelligence, influence how we relate to our loved ones.
One significant factor at play in relationships is attachment style, specifically disorganized attachment in adults, aka anxious-avoidant attachment style.
No, we’re not talking about the lose-your-keys type of disorganization. As if relationships weren’t already complicated, this attachment style involves an overwhelming sense of insecurity and worry.
Attachment theory plays a significant role when we seek connection with other people in friendships and romantic relationships.
Do you know your attachment style? You may have an idea. Keep reading, and let’s explore together!
Understanding Attachment Theory
Simply put, attachment theory is a well-known psychological explanation for how we attach and form bonds with people. John Bowlby created the theory, and Mary Ainsworth and other psychologists developed it further.
This idea argues that early interactions with caregivers shape an individual’s main beliefs and expectations about relationships throughout their lives.
Research suggests that attachment styles can evolve over time and are influenced by experiences and relationships. You may even display different attachment styles in different relationships or situations.
In other words, there is a lot to unpack about the various styles, and you might be surprised at how and where your attachment style manifests itself.
4 Types of Attachment Styles
Pop culture and social media have increased our exposure to attachment styles, that’s for sure.
Attachment theory outlines four main attachment styles:
Secure Attachment Style
Arguably, it is the healthiest attachment style, and people with this style are comfortable with intimacy and independence. They trust their caregivers and are generally able to form balanced relationships as adults.
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style
An insecure form of attachment, people who are anxiously attached often fear abandonment and may be overly dependent on their partners. They tend to seek constant reassurance and may worry excessively about their relationships, often asking themselves, “Why do I get attached so easily?”
They may have a tendency to be overly clingy or needy in their relationships, frequently fawning and asking their partner if “everything is okay.”
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style
People with this insecure attachment style tend to avoid intimacy and may prioritize independence to an extreme degree. Also, they may suppress their emotions and have difficulty forming close relationships. They may also have a fear of being hurt or rejected.
Disorganized (Fearful) Avoidant Attachment Style
This attachment style involves a clear desire for closeness and an intense fear of getting hurt. It may also be one of the symptoms of daughters of narcissistic mothers. Insecure by nature, disorganized attachment is characterized by hard-to-predict behaviors and confusion.
Keep reading, and this attachment style will become clearer.
What is a Disorganized Attachment?
In a nutshell, disorganized attachment styles feature contradictory behaviors and responses to caregivers and other attachment figures.
For example, in one minute, you may be pressing for closeness, and then you may seek distance. This back-and-forth may seem chaotic, but usually, no harm is intended.
Anxious and avoidant behaviors associated with this style typically stem from inconsistent or abusive caregiving experiences in childhood.
The confusion lies in the fact that the caregiver, who ideally should be a source of safety for a child, is both a source of comfort and a source of fear.
“So, a disorganized attachment style is not a fixed personality trait but rather a pattern of relating to others that can be addressed and modified with therapy and support,” explains Rychel Johnson, M.S., LCPC.
Do you or a loved one have a disorganized attachment style? Check out some of the signs connected with this attachment style, which shows up differently for each person. A wide range of signs can vary depending on the context and severity of the attachment difficulties.
Are you feeling ready to improve your emotional intelligence to address attachment patterns?
Conflicting behaviors
A person with anxious-avoidant attachment style goes back and forth between wanting to be close to others and pushing them away. They desire intimacy but fear getting hurt or rejected, leading to a pattern of ambivalence and inconsistency in their relationships.
This push-and-pull pattern can confuse everyone involved and is a sign of self-sabotage.
Adults with disorganized attachments may find it hard to make stable, secure relationships because their behavior and emotions can be difficult to predict.
They may have a deep-seated fear of intimacy and vulnerability, making it challenging for them to trust others or feel safe in close relationships.
Challenges in emotional regulation
People with disorganized attachment may have difficulty managing their emotions, leading to intense mood swings, outbursts of anger, or feelings of numbness and detachment.
Also called emotional dysregulation, disorganized attachment can look like anger management issues to other people.
If you experience disorganized attachment, you may feel overwhelmed and experience confusion or disorientation in relationships. This experience can result in feeling unsure of how to respond or behave consistently.
Struggles with self-esteem and self-worth
A negative self-image can show up with disorganized attachment. Feelings of worthlessness or inadequacy are also a likely theme.
These difficult feelings are often rooted in childhood experiences, where connecting with caregivers was not consistent. The person may doubt their value and have difficulty accepting love and support from others, often asking themselves, “Why do I get uncomfortable when someone likes me?“
Trauma-related responses
Disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment in adults often arises from experiences of trauma or neglect in childhood. We’ll continue to look at the connection between trauma and attachment. Trauma responses include behaviors like dissociation and aggression. Faulty coping mechanisms, like avoidance, also develop as a result of trauma.
What causes disorganized attachment (Anxious-avoidant attachment)?
Disorganized attachment often arises from inconsistent and chaotic caregiving. In this situation, the child sometimes sees the parent as a source of comfort and sometimes as a source of fear.
The rollercoaster of comfort vs. fear is confusing and unpredictable for the child.
Some specific causes of disorganized attachment include:
- Frightening behavior demonstrated by parents, such as inconsistent responses to the child’s needs and erratic behavior
- Witnessing domestic violence in the home, either between parents or among siblings
- Caregivers with untreated mental health issues (e.g., severe depression, bipolar disorder, or psychosis) might behave in ways that are confusing or frightening
- Parental substance abuse can lead to childhood emotional neglect or erratic caregiving
- Parents who have not resolved their own traumatic experiences or losses may inadvertently transmit their unresolved feelings to their children. It’s impacting their ability to provide a secure environment at home
- Frequent changes in primary caregivers, such as through foster care placements or institutional settings, can disrupt the formation of a secure attachment
What Trauma Causes Disorganized Attachment?
Disorganized attachment is often linked to a specific and isolated traumatic event or ongoing significant complex trauma that occurs during early childhood. This trauma typically involves a caregiver, leading to a stressful environment for the child.
Types of trauma rarely occur in isolation; a child exposed to domestic violence in the home may also experience physical neglect.
Each situation is unique, but they all have a traumatic element in common that shapes the way the child bonds (or isn’t able to bond) with their caregivers.
Common types of attachment trauma are linked to the cause of disorganized attachment and how they can have an impact:
- Physical abuse: the caregiver, who should be a source of safety, becomes a source of fear and pain
- Sexual Abuse: The child struggles to reconcile the abuser’s role as both caregiver and threat
- Emotional Abuse persistent humiliation, criticism, and manipulation by caregivers can cause severe distress and confusion for the child
- Physical Neglect: Lack of basic necessities like food, shelter, and medical care can cause children to feel abandoned and fearful, also called abandonment trauma
- Sudden Loss: The death or abandonment by a primary caregiver creates a sense of chaos and insecurity
- Frequent Separations: A caregiver’s hospitalization, incarceration, or frequent moves can disrupt the development of a secure attachment
Has childhood trauma impacted you?
How Does Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Impact Romantic Relationships?
Anxious-avoidant attachment, also known as fearful avoidant attachment style or anxious attachment, can significantly impact romantic relationships.
This attachment style is characterized by a combination of anxiety and avoidance, leading to complex and often contradictory behaviors in relationships.
There are a number of ways anxious-avoidant attachment style show up in adult romantic relationships. You may have a fearful-avoidant attachment relationship if the following variables are part of your experience:
Fear of Intimacy and Rejection
Individuals with a fearful-avoidant attachment style desire closeness and intimacy but simultaneously fear it, indicating a pattern of ambivalence. They might create emotional unavailability or distance to protect themselves from potential hurt, avoiding deep connections even when they crave intimacy.
Inconsistent Behavior
They also often exhibit “hot and cold” behavior, sometimes seeking closeness and, at other times, withdrawing abruptly. Due to the unpredictable nature of the anxious-avoidant person’s actions, their partners may feel unsure of where they stand in the relationship.
Trust Issues
A deep-rooted mistrust of others makes it hard for them to believe in their partner’s reliability and love fully. The person also might exhibit jealousy or paranoia, fear of betrayal or abandonment without substantial evidence.
Communication Challenges
Anxious-avoidant people may struggle to openly communicate their needs and feelings, leading to misunderstandings and unresolved conflicts. They might avoid discussing relationship issues altogether by “sweeping it under the rug.”
Emotional Turmoil
The anxious-avoidant partner often experiences high levels of anxiety about their relationships, worrying excessively about their partner’s feelings and intentions. This fearfulness can lead them to sabotage their relationships, either consciously or unconsciously, as a way to avoid potential pain.
Dependency and Independence Struggles
There is a dynamic of alternating between extreme dependency and extreme independence, causing a push-pull dynamic in the relationship. Despite needing their partner, they may resist becoming too dependent out of fear of being let down.
How do I fix a disorganized attachment?
For people and couples dealing with anxious-avoidant attachment dynamics, there are strategies that can help.
Disorganized or fearful attachment in relationships is not a new concept; many therapeutic resources are out there to teach you how to acknowledge attachment styles and how to love someone with disorganized attachment.
Although it’s typically rooted in childhood, disorganized attachment in adults is prevalent because it’s frankly hard to identify.
People live their lives for years before noticing patterns in how they relate to their loved ones.
People in romantic relationships can create a more secure and fulfilling relationship by addressing the underlying attachment issues and working together.
The first step is developing self-awareness, which you’ve already been doing by choosing to learn about disorganized attachment (good for you!).
Through journaling and mindfulness practices, you can continue to develop a stronger sense of self-awareness, which can lead to building healthy relationships.
Pursuing secure attachment styles is not something you need to do alone. Consistent effort in setting boundaries and professional guidance is key to healing and developing more secure attachment styles.
Cultivating self-compassion, despite the challenges of disorganized attachment, is possible!
