The modern world pushes us to chase things. We often chase success, praise, money, and love. But what fuels this desire to get what we want? Is it nature dictating our actions, like animal instincts? Or perhaps there’s something deeper—a pain.
Pain motivates us to do things to get what we’re lacking or at least to fill that void. But this pain isn’t about a broken bone or a headache after a busy day. It’s a deeper hurt, one that’s hard to see: emotional neglect from childhood.
Maybe you constantly feel like you’re not good enough, no matter how hard you try. Or maybe you struggle to make friends and feel close to people. Perhaps there’s an emptiness inside, even when life seems good on the outside.
And then you start wondering, maybe there’s something wrong with you, maybe you don’t understand anything in this world?
No, absolutely nothing is wrong with you. That’s how emotional neglect can manifest itself.
This article will illuminate everything. We’ll explore childhood emotional neglect, how it affects us, and what signs to look for.
What is emotional neglect?
As a form of emotional abuse, this is an emotional wound caused when someone’s emotional needs aren’t being met.
For example, if you’re feeling sad or happy and the people around you ignore or dismiss your feelings, that’s emotional neglect. It can happen in any relationship, whether it’s with your romantic partner, friends, or family.
Studies show that there are millions of people worldwide experiencing emotional wounds. For example, the British Journal of Psychiatry reports that 18% of respondents self-reported emotional abuse.
It’s especially tough when it happens in childhood.
Emotional neglect is one of the ten Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). It happens when caregivers repeatedly don’t meet a child’s emotional needs for love, attention, and support. Unlike physical neglect, childhood emotional neglect doesn’t leave visible scars, making it hard to spot and address
This isn’t about the occasional “go to your room” when you’re acting up. It’s about a pattern of ignoring, dismissing, or belittling a child’s emotions. Maybe it’s a lack of hugs, caring chats, or just feeling like your parents have your back.
Some experts believe this number is likely higher, as emotional neglect often goes unreported and often unrecognized by those experiencing it. If it is their “normal”, then they are less likely to know that it is atypical.
Celebrities like Oprah Winfrey and Gabriel Union have bravely shared their own experiences with childhood emotional neglect, helping to raise awareness of this hidden issue.
Oprah revealed, “As a young girl, I felt invisible. I craved attention and love, but those needs were rarely met.”
So, what are the most common signs of emotional neglect in children and adults to look for? Let’s explore them step by step.
“Was I neglected as a child?”6 examples of emotional neglect in childhood
Emotional wounds may appear when a child’s feelings aren’t noticed, responded to, or validated. It’s like being invisible, emotionally speaking.
You may wonder, “Was I neglected as a child?” Well, let’s look at the most common signs of emotional neglect in childhood.
- It always felt like your feelings were minimized: You remember coming home from school upset about something, but instead of comfort, your parent might have said something like, “Oh, just shake it off, it’s not a big deal.” You were left feeling like your emotions weren’t important and felt like a black sheep of the family.
Experiences like these can contribute to what’s known as betrayal trauma or mother wound father wound.
- Tough times were especially lonely: As a neglected kid, maybe you were struggling with a friendship or feeling stressed about school. You may even have wondered, “Why does nobody like me?” You longed for your parents to notice and offer support, but they never really asked how things were going. You felt like you had to deal with everything on your own.
- You yearned for warmth and affection: You don’t recall many hugs or kisses from your parent, or them telling you they loved you. You might have felt a deep longing for that warmth and connection, but it wasn’t there, thus creating an emotional wound.
- The focus was always on the negative: You might remember your parent always criticizing your artwork, your grades, or your behavior. You may have started to believe you were never good enough, no matter how hard you tried.
- You felt invisible: Do you recall your parent ever asking about your day, or showing interest in your hobbies? If not, you might have felt like they didn’t really see you or care about what was important to you. If there was also another sibling with special needs, you could develop a glass child syndrome.
- They were emotionally distant: You might remember your mom always being preoccupied with her own problems (as a sign of cold mother syndrome), or perhaps just parents were often absent. This could make you feel alone and unsupported, longing for a deeper emotional connection that never materialized.
Effects of ACE childhood neglect in adulthood
The impact of childhood emotional neglect doesn’t fade with time. They can lead to complex trauma and insecure attachment styles later in life and can make it hard for adults to feel good about themselves, trust others, and have healthy relationships.
Sometimes, people who didn’t get enough emotional support as children may accidentally repeat this pattern as adults. They might not give enough support to their partners in the marriage or friends, or they might find themselves with partners acting similarly.
Emotional numbness and difficulty connecting
Adults who experienced emotional neglect as children might feel emotionally numb, like their feelings are turned down low. They might struggle to identify and express their emotions, asking themselves, “Am I emotionally unavailable?” and making it hard to connect with others on a deeper level.
Imagine trying to explain a color you’ve never seen; that’s how it can feel to express emotions they never learned to recognize.
The weight of low self-esteem
The lack of emotional support and validation during childhood can leave you feeling worthless and unimportant as an adult. This effect of emotional childhood in adults can lead to a constant need for approval from others and difficulty believing in your abilities.
In fact, it may also be one of the 10 symptoms of daughters of narcissistic mothers and symptoms of narcissistic fathers.
It’s like carrying a backpack full of rocks, always doubting your worth and value in this life.
Rocky relationships
Childhood emotional neglect can make it difficult to form and maintain healthy relationships in adulthood. Adults who experience emotional neglect might struggle with trust, fear intimacy, and have difficulty setting boundaries, which may cause yelling in relationships.
It’s like trying to build a house on shaky ground, where the foundation isn’t strong enough to support a healthy, lasting connection without trauma bonding.
Anxious attachment styles
Children whose emotional needs haven’t been met may have attachment issues, developing insecure attachment styles such as anxious-avoidant attachment style. This can affect their relationships throughout their lives, making it difficult to trust others or feel secure in their bonds.
An adult experiencing the effects of childhood neglect might constantly seek reassurance from their partner, friends, and family, feeling abandoned even in a loving relationship.
Relatable and common traits in insecure attachment styles are “being clingy,” jealousy of the partner’s other relationships, moving from intense needs of attention to complete avoidance of interaction, and/or feeling isolated when others aren’t physically present.
The shadow of depression and anxiety
Emotional wounds of childhood neglect can also lead to mental health struggles like depression and anxiety. Adults who experienced neglect in childhood may experience maladaptive daydreaming and feel a persistent sense of sadness and hopelessness, asking, “Why do I feel empty?” and constant worry, which may prevent them from fully enjoying life.
Emotional expression bottlenecks
Difficulty expressing emotions is another common challenge of neglect wounds. Adults who experience emotional neglect may struggle to identify and articulate their feelings, leading to misunderstandings and conflict in relationships.
It’s like having a vocabulary for only a few emotions, making communicating their full range of experiences difficult.
As an example of emotional neglect, you might have difficulty expressing anger constructively, resorting to passive-aggressive behavior or outbursts instead.
The never-ending pursuit of perfection
Adults who felt emotionally neglected as children sometimes become perfectionists. They try to compensate for feeling “not good enough” by setting incredibly high standards and constantly seeking approval.
You might spend hours perfecting your painting, even though it’s already good, because you fear criticism or feeling like a failure. You might also constantly seek reassurance from others, needing to hear that you are doing a good job.
Social withdrawal
Emotional neglect can also lead to social withdrawal and isolation. Adults who have neglect wounds may feel uncomfortable in social situations or fear being vulnerable with others.
This can create a lonely existence, where they feel like they don’t belong or fit in and feel like a hermit crab hiding in its shell.
Remember, these are just some of the potential long-term effects of childhood emotional neglect. The specific impact can vary depending on individual experiences and resilience factors.
If you or someone you know is struggling with these issues, seeking help from a therapist or counselor can be an essential step toward healing and recovery.
People-pleasing
As a coping mechanism for emotional neglect, people-pleasing behaviors can make you prioritize others’ needs and desires over your own, constantly seeking approval and validation to fill the void left by unmet emotional needs.
You agree to take on extra work tasks, even though you’re already overwhelmed because you don’t want to disappoint your boss or colleagues
If you feel emotionally neglected in your adult relationships, seeking professional help and support is important. It will help to address the underlying causes of emotional neglect and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
Examples of emotional neglect in relationships and marriage
Emotional wounds, often left in childhood, can significantly impact adult relationships. It’s a subtle form of neglect where emotional needs are consistently overlooked or dismissed, leaving partners feeling unvalued.
Emotional neglect in marriage can be especially damaging. When a spouse constantly ignores their partner’s feelings, fails to offer support, or shows no real interest in their emotional well-being, it can lead to deep feelings of loneliness and isolation.
This lack of emotional connection can break down trust and intimacy, leaving the emotionally neglected partner feeling unloved and unhappy.
Let’s see a couple of examples of how childhood emotional neglect might translate into marriage and other relationships.
Choosing emotionally unavailable partners
Emotional wounds can attract distant partners. It’s like recreating a familiar, but unhealthy, dynamic.
Such people may initially be drawn to the challenge or hope of “fixing” their partner but often end up feeling unfulfilled and emotionally neglected once again.
Repeating patterns of neglect in parenting
A parent who experienced emotional neglect as a child may find themselves struggling to connect emotionally with their own children. They may not know how to respond when their child is upset or may unintentionally dismiss their child’s feelings as unimportant.
This can lead to a sense of disconnect and emotional distance within the parent-child relationship.
Struggling to maintain healthy relationships
Someone who grew up with emotional neglect might have difficulty trusting others and may constantly fear abandonment. This can manifest as jealousy, controlling behaviors, or pushing partners away before they have a chance to hurt them.
These patterns can lead to a series of failed relationships, leaving the person feeling isolated and unloved.
How to heal from childhood emotional neglect
It’s totally understandable to feel overwhelmed by healing from childhood emotional neglect, but I want you to know that it’s absolutely within reach.
The most important thing is acknowledging what happened and really letting yourself feel those emotions. It wasn’t your fault, and those feelings are valid.
Finding a therapist who understands trauma and emotional neglect can make a world of difference. They can guide you through this journey, helping you process emotions, develop healthy coping skills, and rebuild your self-esteem.
In the meantime, be gentle with yourself and try practicing self-compassion. Learning to understand and express your emotions is key.
Therapy, journaling, or even talking to a trusted friend can help.
And don’t forget to take good care of yourself! Find activities that bring you joy and peace. It could be exercise, meditation, nature, or just relaxing with a good book.
Surround yourself with positive, supportive people who really listen. It’s okay to set boundaries and prioritize your own needs.
Remember, healing takes time, so be patient.
