Do I Have Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style?

Do you overthink texts, seek reassurance, or fear that you care more than the other person does? In this article, you will learn about these attachment tendencies, determine how to help yourself through them, and gain a valuable perspective on your loved ones. Let’s find you some answers!

What Is Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment?

Anxious-preoccupied attachment is an attachment style characterized by a deep-seated fear of abandonment and a persistent need for high levels of intimacy and approval from others. It often develops in early childhood when a caregiver inconsistently responds to a child’s needs, according to attachment theory [1].

As a result, this inconsistency can make the child anxious about their needs being met. What’s more, the child may feel preoccupied with their caregiver’s availability to them.

In adulthood, anxious attachment can lead to constant worry that you care more deeply than the other person does. If this is your style, your mood often acts like a mirror to your relationship. When things are “good,” you’re on a high, but the second there’s a slow text reply, your entire day crashes. 

To others, this can come across as being “clingy”. It can make you wonder, “Why do I get emotionally attached so easily?”

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11 Common Signs Of Anxious Preoccupied Attachment In Adults

Here are some common signs of anxious-preoccupied attachment in adults:

1. They constantly seek reassurance from their partner and may seem clingy or needy.

2. The person fears rejection or being abandoned.

3. Any apparent distance in the relationship makes them overly emotional.

4. They might have difficulty self-regulating and experience a cycle of emotional highs and lows in relationships.

5. People with anxious attachment tend to obsess over their relationships. They may analyze their partner’s words and actions, overthinking and worrying about the relationship’s future.

6. Because the connection never feels secure, people with anxious preoccupied attachment often subconsciously “test” their partners, according to a study on romantic self-sabotage [2]. They might pick a fight, pull away, or act out just to see if their partner will chase them or reassure them.

7. Early in a relationship, they often idealize their partners, and if they don’t live up to these unrealistic expectations, they become disappointed.

8. Deep down, the person may feel unworthy of love or fear that they are unlovable. This belief can crush their self-esteem.

9. Setting healthy boundaries feels like a massive risk when you have an anxious attachment style. You often default to “people-pleasing” as a way to keep the peace. You might find yourself saying “yes” when you mean “no,” all because you’re terrified that setting a boundary will cause your partner to walk away. To you, sacrifice feels like the price you have to pay for connection.

10. Relationships may be a significant source of identity and self-worth for an anxious-preoccupied person. Without it, they may feel incomplete or inadequate.

11. Anxious attachment often creates a state of hypervigilance. You might take a neutral event like a partner being tired or a short text message and immediately spin it into a disaster scenario where they are falling out of love with you.

Avoidant vs. Anxious Attachment

The following chart outlines the differences between avoidant and anxious attachment styles.

	Avoidant Attachment	Anxious Attachment
Emotional Expression	Suppress and hide emotions	Intensely expressive and dependent on emotional feedback from others
Need for Closeness	Avoids closeness and intimacy	Craves closeness and fears abandonment
Dependency	Values their independence and avoid relying on others for support	Highly dependent on others for validation and support
Trust	Distrusts others and doubts their reliability	Has difficulty trusting others due to fear of betrayal
Response to Stress	Withdraws and distances themselves from stressors	Seeks reassurance and may become more clingy under stress

What is Avoidant Attachment Style?

Avoidant attachment styles include dismissive avoidant attachment and fearful avoidant attachment styles. People with an avoidant attachment style tend to maintain emotional distance from others, prioritizing their independence and self-reliance. It shows up as difficulty expressing emotions and an unwillingness to discuss feelings. As a result, they appear detached or emotionally unavailable.

Avoidant partners feel overwhelmed when someone tries to get too close emotionally. They may also have a cynical or dismissive view of others, which impacts their ability to trust and causes fear of intimacy.

Children who grow up with a cold mother may develop an avoidant attachment style to cope with the lack of connection. Also, they usually suppress or hide their emotions, both from themselves and others. 

What Causes Anxious Preoccupied Attachment?

Childhood experiences shape one’s internal relationships and attachment working model. Here are some common causes:

1. Childhood trauma and inconsistent parenting. When caregivers are sometimes attentive and nurturing and other times neglectful or unavailable, the child learns that they cannot reliably depend on others for comfort and security. This inconsistency fosters anxiety and a preoccupation with maintaining closeness to the caregiver.
2. Overbearing parenting. Those who are overly involved in their child’s life may inadvertently teach the child that they cannot cope independently. This extreme “helicopter parent” style can lead to dependence for emotional regulation and a fear of separation.
3. Separation or loss. Early experiences of separation, loss, or abandonment can contribute to the development of anxious-preoccupied attachment. The child becomes hyper-aware of potential threats to their relationships.
4. High emotional demands from parents. Some people rely on their children for emotional support or validation. For example, children of narcissistic parents feel pressured to meet the emotional needs of the caregiver. As a result, they may develop an anxious-preoccupied attachment, maintaining the parent’s approval.

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Anxious Attachment Triggers

Attachment anxiety generally doesn’t appear out of nowhere. Triggers can happen and feel disruptive, reminding you of uncomfortable events. These reminders cause unsettling symptoms of anxiety and fear. Some common anxious attachment triggers include:

• When a partner or loved one seems emotionally or physically distant
• When a text or call goes ignored for longer than usual
• Arguments or disagreements can be seen as a threat to the relationship
• If there isn’t a clear “where is this going” conversation or a solid plan for the future, the lack of certainty creates a constant state of low-level anxiety
• Seeing a partner interacting warmly with others or comparing the relationship to others
• Sudden changes in the usual patterns of interaction, such as spending less time together
• When a partner’s behavior is unpredictable, it can create a sense of instability 
• Situations that evoke jealousy or suspicion, such as a partner talking to an ex or spending time with potential romantic interests
• Ambiguous messages or behaviors that suggest both interest and disinterest 
• Internal thoughts and doubts about self-worth or deservingness of love

What Are Adult Relationships With Anxious-Preoccupied People Like?

All relationships can have challenges, and attachment style differences are part of many romantic connections. Someone with anxious-preoccupied attachment wants to connect but may need support and patience. Their partners may feel overwhelmed by their neediness or confused by how emotional they are, which can lead to conflicts and miscommunications.

At the same time, their fear of being abandoned can lead to actions that push partners away, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Thankfully, many people experience healing from an anxious preoccupied attachment style. 

How To Fix Anxious Preoccupied Attachment?

With practice, you can reduce your dependency on others for external validation, learn how to meet your emotional needs, and self-soothe relationships with anxious-preoccupied attachment.

1. Ban “Mind Reading”

Open communication with a partner can also be beneficial in addressing your triggers and building healthier relationship dynamics. 

People with insecure attachment styles may spend hours analyzing the “subtext” of a single sentence. Stop guessing and start asking, but only once. If you’re confused, ask, “Hey, I’m feeling a bit disconnected. Can we check in?” If they say they’re just tired or busy, believe them. Do not go looking for the “real” meaning. Accepting people at face value is the fastest way to lower your baseline stress.

To quiet the urge to overanalyze, pair communication with Breeze’s positive affirmations. Replacing negative assumptions with calming, supportive statements can help retrain your thoughts.

2. Understand your attachment style triggers

The incident itself rarely serves as a trigger. Typically, it’s a story your brain tells you about the event.

• The silence trigger is the most common. For example, a partner takes four hours to reply when they usually take ten minutes. A secure person thinks, “They’re busy.” Your brain thinks, “They’re bored with me.”
• The “vague” response appears, for example, when you ask a deep question and get a one-word answer. Your nervous system interprets brevity as a withdrawal of love.
• The physical shift. You notice your partner didn’t kiss you goodbye the same way, or they’re sitting slightly further away on the couch. As a result, you may start “scanning” for more evidence of a breakup that hasn’t even happened.

3. Learn the attachment style of your partner

When you learn about your partner’s attachment patterns, you stop taking their reactions so personally. You move from “They don’t love me” to “They are overwhelmed and need to regulate.”

• If the avoidant partner pulls away when things get emotional, it’s not because they’re cold. It’s because intimacy feels like a loss of independence or a threat to their safety. Their “shutting down” is their version of your “panicking.”
• The secure partner might seem “boring” because they don’t play the game of subtext. Learning their style helps you realize that their consistency is actually a solid foundation you can trust.

4. Learn to self-validate

Anxious types look for “external” mirrors. To develop a secure attachment style, you have to start doing this internally. When you feel insecure, don’t tell yourself you’re being “crazy.” That just adds shame to the anxiety. Instead, say: “I feel scared right now because I haven’t heard back, and my brain is trying to protect me from abandonment. It’s a valid feeling, but I am safe in this moment.” Learning and practicing communication skills can help you express your needs.

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Helping Your Partner Develop Secure Attachment Style

If you’ve discovered that your partner struggles with an anxious preoccupied attachment in intimate adult relationships, you can create an environment where their “alarm system” doesn’t have to go off so often.

1. Stay consistent

For anxious-preoccupied adults, unpredictability is the ultimate trigger. You don’t have to be perfect, but you do need to be reliable. If you say you’ll call at 6:00, call at 6:00. If something changes, send a quick text before the deadline. It seems small to you, but to them, that consistency is the “evidence” they use to calm their internal panic.

2. Set a healthy balance of reassurance

Don’t wait for them to ask, “Do you still love me?” or “Are we okay?” By the time they ask, they’ve already been spiraling for hours. Throw out random “anchors” of security throughout the day. A text that says, “Just thinking of you, can’t wait to see you later,” keeps their anxiety baseline low.

3. Communicate your need for space

If you are someone who needs a lot of alone time, a partner with a preoccupied-anxious attachment style will often interpret your silence as a withdrawal of affection.

Don’t just disappear. Clarify the reason for your need for space. Instead of just going into the other room, say, “I’ve had a really long day, and my brain is fried. I’m going to go read for an hour to recharge. It has nothing to do with us, and I’ll come give you a hug when I’m done.”

4. Reward the “Small Asks”

When your partner actually manages to voice a need directly, like saying, “I’m feeling a bit insecure, can we talk?”, validate that immediately. Even if you’re busy, acknowledge the courage it took for them to be vulnerable. Say, “I’m so glad you told me you’re feeling that way. I can’t talk right this second, but let’s sit down after dinner.” If you shut them down when they are being brave, they may retreat back into “protest behaviors” like picking fights or acting out. 

Sources

1. Inge Bretherton. The Origins of Attachment Theory: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth.
2. Peel R, Caltabiano N, Buckby B, McBain K. Defining romantic self-sabotage: A thematic analysis of interviews with practising psychologists. July 2019