“You must be the best. You must have excellent marks, graduate from music school, and succeed in sports. You’re not like your brother. You’re our hope.”
Your mom and dad always treated you differently from your siblings. You were “the best one,” “the most clever one,” and “the most loved one.”
Even if they didn’t say that directly, you felt that unstated contrast in parental expectations. It might feel like your parents love you more. And it could also feel like they expect you to carry the weight of unrealistic dreams and ambitions.
Sounds relatable, right? Let’s learn more about the golden child syndrome in dysfunctional family roles and how it can influence your adulthood in the aftermath.
What is Golden Child Syndrome?
Have you ever felt that you have no right to make a mistake? That’s it!
Golden child syndrome results from an unhealthy family dynamic when parents show special favor to one child. At the same time, other kids in the family feel neglected and overshadowed, like the middle child, which can develop same-name syndrome.
While receiving special praise and attention, the golden child also gets the pressure to always be exceptional. As a result of such unequal relationships, a “dream come true” to be the best often turns into a challenging journey.
Here’s what a golden son or daughter usually experiences:
- higher expectations of success
- fear of making a mistake
- the need to be perfect
- a responsibility to be an example for other siblings
Doesn’t look very positive, does it? These lofty expectations and favoritism often make children feel empty and lost in life. Moreover, the constant drive to “achieve more and more” may lead to burnout with no place to resolve it.
So, now you know the golden child’s meaning. But what about the siblings?
Parents see a chosen child as someone who can’t go wrong. They don’t blame this kid for mistakes, forgive any faults, and give the benefit of the doubt for anything.
At the same time, another sibling becomes guilty of everything. He or she can often feel like a scapegoat, guilty for any problem in the whole family. Sooner or later, this kid starts disliking a sibling with good child syndrome.
What if there are more than 2 children in a family?
Other kids might also become scapegoats, but they can also feel completely alone. Abandoned by parents who pay attention to other children, they may grow up without any emotional response, whether positive or negative.
Symptoms of the Golden Child Syndrome
It’s vital to note that “golden child” isn’t an official medical term. You won’t find it in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) or any other recognized psychological manual.
However, this is a concept that lays the groundwork for understanding one of the unhealthy family dynamics of golden child syndrome.
Hannah Schlueter, MA, LAC, states, “While it is crucial for children to receive praise, approval, and acknowledgement from their caregivers, the negative side effects of unrealistically high expectations and pressures to succeed can create long-term challenges for an individual’s mental health.”
So, even though there are no documented golden child syndrome symptoms, we’ll list the ones that most people tend to experience. Let’s shed light on how it influences a person’s well-being.
Perfectionism
Remember Princess Azula from “Avatar: The Last Airbender”? As a favored child in a royal family, she was expected to outshine her brother, Zuko.
This pressure drove her to be ruthless, obsess over power, and relentlessly hone her skills to meet her father’s expectations. Nevertheless, this relentless pursuit of perfection masked deeper insecurities and fears of failure. This is a perfect example of how golden child syndrome can manifest in adulthood.
What else can you feel? Perfectionism can drive you to chase A grades in university and aim for the highest salary among your peers. You can always strive to win every argument or set unrealistically high standards for appearance.
Everything needs to be perfect. And if you find a stain on the shirt you’ve been wearing all day, it feels worse than a nightmare.
Success Drive
“I couldn’t get second place in the championship! I always need to be the best.”
This is quite close to the previous one. As you understand from the golden child definition, it’s about being number one and achieving more and more… and more.
While there’s nothing wrong with striving to reach your goals, golden kids do this to prove to themselves that they are important. “Look at me. I meet and exceed your expectations,” — this is how it feels.
Think about this. The influence of such a mother wound/father wound can weaken in childhood and become more powerful later. Why is it so?
In adulthood, there are no parents who constantly praise you. So, people with good child syndrome can chase likes on social media, obsess over their bodies, and seek validation through career growth — anything to feel that they shine!
Fear of Failure
What is golden child syndrome in a nutshell? One word. “Expectations.”
Here’s how a Reddit user describes growing up in such a family, “After being on that pedestal for a while, I internalized the idea that I’m not allowed to have anything “wrong” with me.”
Feeling “not good enough” runs like a common thread throughout the entire lives of the favored children. And to prove their goodness, they tend to overwork in order not to lose affection.
Making parents happy and satisfied is the primary goal of their lives. Golden children carry this emotional baggage paired with anxiety and fear of rejection.
People Pleasing
What is a golden child? In a parent’s eyes, it’s a kid who’s always cheerful, successful, and ready to help. And if you don’t fit this role… Well, parents will be upset.
While golden children are incredibly scared to disappoint their closest people, they will do their best to feel valuable.
But does the golden child please only parents? In fact, no.
Such people project their need for recognition and approval on everyone around them, which leads them to go to great lengths to please friends, colleagues, and even strangers.
They may take on extra work, avoid conflict at all costs, and consistently prioritize others’ needs over their own, all to maintain their status as the “golden child.” This relentless people-pleasing can be exhausting and detrimental to their well-being.
Parentification
Golden child syndrome isn’t only about high expectations but also about a huge amount of work. As parents want their kids to achieve more and more, they can blame them for rest and “childish” activities.
“You can’t play with dolls even though you’re 4. We need to be in the musical school / sports section / mathematics class in 20 minutes.”
This is how it can feel. Even more, some people can force golden children to make their unfulfilled dreams come true, leaving them without the freedom to explore their paths and desires. And living in a constant rush to achieve, golden kids grow up much faster.
Later on, parents — especially immature — can expect them to raise their siblings, find jobs at a young age, do most housework, and much more. As a result, such a parentified child becomes the most mature person in the whole family.
Identity Problems
So, you grew up. Now, you need to decide what to do with your life. Maybe make your wishes come true and fulfill your dreams. But what if you don’t have any?
One of the most severe outcomes of being the golden child is having little sense of self. From the day of birth, you lived the life your parents expected you to live. You did what made your parents happy.
But now. What about now?
People with golden child syndrome find it difficult to live without clear direction from others. They may struggle to identify their needs and goals because their parents’ expectations overshadow their sense of self.
Consequently, even if such adults find something they want to do, their desires might feel uncertain. They might second-guess their choices, wondering if they are truly their own or just another way to gain approval through their accomplishments.
Strong Leadership Skills
Nonetheless, there’s something positive in this situation. People with golden child syndrome tend to be leaders in adulthood.
Why is it so?
Let’s remember Thor from the Marvel Cinematic Universe. As the favored son of Odin, the Allfather, he grew up to become the next king of Asgard. These high expectations pushed Thor to develop leadership skills, including bravery, strategic thinking, and the ability to inspire everyone around him.
In real life, golden kids can also develop exceptional communication skills. Moreover, quite often, they are smart and resourceful, with impressive charisma and interesting hobbies.
This can make them leaders of the group, particularly in their teen years and young adulthood.
What Kind of Parents Usually Grow a Golden Child
Most often, kids develop golden child syndrome under narcissistic parentification.
How does it happen?
Controlling and autocratic parents enforce favoritism to satisfy their wishes. In such a narcissistic family system, adults usually pay little attention to their kids’ well-being but rather to their status and ego.
In the aftermath, children of narcissistic parents become so-called “projections” of parents’ self-image. While a golden child turns out to be a good part of self-image, a scapegoat child becomes a bad part. Interestingly, these projections have nothing in common with real kid’s traits.
For daughters of narcissistic mothers, this can mean feeling intense pressure to be flawless. They might strive to meet unrealistically high standards, seeking approval and validation. Moreover, golden children have no right to go against the rules, as the narcissistic parent will immediately “stop loving them.”
Mind-blowing, right? But for kids growing up with attachment issues, this is an everyday reality.
Can a Child Be a Narcissist?
Now you know what causes golden child syndrome. But what about the outcome of growing up in such a family? Does the golden child become a narcissist?
Well, it’s a two-edged sword. Some kids can grow up with narcissistic traits, mirroring the behaviors of their parents. Nonetheless, others may struggle with conflicting emotions or strive to redefine their sense of self.
How to understand whether a particular golden child will become a narcissist? Obviously, there’s no single accurate predictor; it often depends on a combination of factors.
A child may grow with an inflated self-esteem. When parents excessively praise and favor their kids, seeing them as exceptionally talented or deserving, the children can develop a strong sense of entitlement.
Such people live in a paradigm that they are perfect, better than their siblings, and generally good at everything.
On the contrary, adults with golden child syndrome and low self-esteem are also common. For instance, because of too high expectations of your parents and cold mother syndrome, you could have become too critical of yourself and start feeling that you’re “never enough.”
Interestingly, according to DSM-5, in most cases, people with NPD have fragile self-esteem. So, this is how a narcissist child can grow up.
Hannah Schlueter, MA, LAC, adds, “Patterns of perfectionism rely on the interpretation of mistakes and fear of failure, resulting in a vicious cycle that impacts one’s identity, relationships, and emotional intelligence. Addressing these issues often require additional help from a professional as you begin to unlearn the harmful patterns to create a more flexible and self-compassionate way of thinking.”
Golden Child Syndrome Test
You already can answer the question, “What does the golden child mean?” So, it’s time to check yourself whether you live with any traits associated with it.
Disclaimer. Don’t take this test as an official mental health examination. Better approach it as a tool to help you gain insight into your experiences and behaviors. For a professional assessment, consider consulting with a therapist.
Answer “yes” or “no” to all the questions. Then, calculate the “yes” answers.
- Were you showered with more attention and love than your siblings?
- Did your parents constantly compare your siblings to you, highlighting how well you did?
- Did you feel like you had to live up to a high standard set by your parents?
- Did your siblings often take the blame for family issues or conflicts?
- Did your parents brush off your mistakes like they were no big deal?
- Were you the “golden example” your parents wanted your siblings to follow?
- Did your parents often tell you how special and unique you were compared to everyone else?
- Did you feel a constant need to succeed to make your parents proud?
- Did you feel like your parents’ happiness depended on how well you did?
- Is it tough for you to handle criticism or failure?
- Did you feel a ton of pressure or guilt when you didn’t meet your parents’ expectations?
- Were you often the one trying to keep the peace during family disputes?
Results of a Golden Child Syndrome Test
- 0-2 “yes” — most likely, you weren’t a golden child in your family. Probably, you didn’t feel an overwhelming need to be perfect or the constant weight of your parents’ expectations. In adulthood, it’s essential to keep focusing on this balance.
- 3-6 “yes” — you might have experienced some elements of being the golden child. Thus, now you may feel some lingering effects of favoritism. It’s important to recognize these feelings and work towards understanding how they shape your current behavior and relationships.
- 7-12 “yes” — you likely grew up with the golden child syndrome. You might feel immense pressure to be exceptional, which could have led to a deep-seated fear of failure and a significant impact on your self-esteem.
Understanding these experiences can be the first step toward healing and finding your path.
Remember that it’s important to be patient with yourself as you unlearn old patterns and embrace a healthier, more balanced life. Try the Breeze app and use it as an all-in-one helping tool on your journey to healing.
