Hello, I am Emily Mendez, a mental health expert and former psychotherapist. Being a former therapist means understanding how to emotionally detach from someone. I will share with you my tips for detaching from someone. Be warned, it can be hard to do.
Are you wondering how to detach from someone? The tether of emotional attachment can be brutal. Whether it’s a parent or romantic partner, detaching can feel like a death. We may also feel guilt, angst, and self-doubt after making the decision to stop being emotionally tied.
Becoming emotionally detached is sometimes hard because we feel obligated to stay connected. This is common with family members. You might be detaching because a person is neglectful, harmful, or caught up in addiction.
In other cases, detaching is painful because we’re “addicted” to a person. In this post, I’m going to lay out how to emotionally detach from someone using observations and techniques I’ve developed as a therapist. However, I want to first make sure we’re all clear on emotionally detached meaning.
Before we begin: What is detachment?
So, what detachment is? The simple answer is that becoming emotionally detached is like severing a strangling cord. You’re essentially “hardening your heart” toward the other person in an intentional, unmalicious way. We call it detaching with love.
It means you aren’t disconnecting out of spite or hate. Or you don’t harbor hate or resentment. You simply know that the other person isn’t a good or safe person for you. You’re ready to put your energy back into yourself. You’ve found the courage to not stay in toxic relationships.
I also want to point out that we sometimes need to emotionally detach from people who are objects of desire or obsession. For example, a case of unrequited affection.
How do you detach yourself from someone? Let’s get into it!
How to detach from someone in 13 steps
I want to warn you about something. Learning how to stop being attached to someone can hurt. You may feel deep resistance as you read this!
If detaching is a struggle, consider that you may have attachment issues. I’ve seen this frequently when someone who is a child of narcissistic parents attempts detachment.
Here are the 13 steps for how to emotionally detach yourself from someone you love.
1. Commit to detaching
Make yourself a list of all of the reasons why you need to detach. Tape it to your mirror so that you can remind yourself of your reasons for moving on.
Unfortunately, the temptation to reattach is strong. The other person may be unrelenting about calling. People with an anxious preoccupied attachment style can be especially vulnerable to pleas for reattachment. You’ll need a list of reminders to help you stay strong.
2. Just talk about it to anyone
Want to know how to emotionally let go of someone you love? Let yourself talk about it. Tell friends what you’re feeling. Or tell the family. Or perhaps to a therapist. Tell anyone who is safe.
You have probably been sucking in your thoughts for so long it hurts. Expressing your thoughts is an essential step. The feedback you collect can help to validate your feelings.
I promise you that giving yourself permission to voice that something is wrong will feel so liberating. This is your first baby step.
3. Tell the person you are detaching from
If it’s safe to do so, tell the person you are detaching from. Let them know that you need to exit the dynamic. Here’s why I recommend this step over “ghosting” the other person:
- It saves you from accusations of making a rash, impulsive decision.
- It prevents the other person from questioning why you’re unavailable.
- It stops you from feeling like you need to “throw hints” around.
- It sets a clear boundary.
4. Picture what the new terms look like
How much will this person be in your life after detaching? If you still see them, define your boundaries. If you have a mother who is judgemental, detachment might look like coming to one or two major family holidays a year.
You might not be ready to completely cut off your mother. Instead, you may quietly disconnect by no longer sharing important details or asking for your mother’s opinion.
Seeing your mother less may put you in a position of being “picked at” less often. But coming to major holidays enables you to still be connected to other family members.
I call this downgrading someone to your outer circle. It’s a good strategy when you don’t want to cut someone off.
However, you may need more distance. This can range from “no contact” to vague, minimal contact. It’s up to you to define what makes you feel safe.
5. Get real about who they are
We often form unhealthy emotional attachments to people we idolize or idealize. It’s time to unmask!
Love may have blinded you to think an ex was more impressive than they were. The same applies if your parents put a sibling on a pedestal. You may be staying attached out of fear of loss.
It’s also common to look at them with fondness or tenderness. However, you may need to only hold them fondly in your memory if they are toxic or abusive.
Let’s do an exercise.
Pretend you don’t know the person you’re detaching from. List the things they’ve done as though a friend were talking to you about a stranger. What opinion would you form of them now? Is the pedestal still there? Would you tell your friend to run from this person or stay?
Taking the emotional baggage away can help you view the person objectively.
6. Think about how you’ll keep your guard up
Every scenario is different. We can’t always physically avoid the person we’re detaching from. You could be learning how to distance yourself from someone because a colleague is toxic. Pulling a disappearing act won’t work when your cubicles touch.
You sometimes have to learn how to detach from someone you talk to every day. Here are some tips I’ve seen work as a therapist:
- Only tell them the necessary details about your life.
- Avoid passive-aggressive behaviors. Trust me, they’ll pick up on this, and it will probably provoke them to engage with you more.
- Work on detaching yourself from someone and their opinion.
- Stay polite while maintaining a sense of indifference in interactions.
What if you decide to make the distance more extreme? You’ll need to make plans to put up thicker boundaries. This could be both painful and inconvenient. Here’s what I mean:
- Decide that it’s okay to miss some events or holidays.
- Disconnect on social media.
- Be firm in your commitment to being unavailable.
- Avoid the temptation to make concessions with your time and attention when they persist.
7. Don’t try to replace them
I’ve seen so many clients fall into this trap! As they detach from one person, they attach to a new person. The new relationship often gets too close and intimate too quickly. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a romantic relationship.
People often try to replace loved ones to avoid the void. This includes siblings, best friends, and parents. If you struggle with being alone, detaching with love can be brutal. You may feel a deep void. I want to warn you about trying to fill it with a new person.
Getting attached easily can be a sign that you still have some work to do. Wondering why do I get attached so easily? While there are many reasons, one thing is true. You’re more likely to attach to the same type of person you’re trying desperately to detach from if you don’t do the work first.
8. Don’t stuff your emotions
Grieve it out! Many people who emotionally disconnect from someone default to stuffing their feelings. Numbness is the only way they know how to shut down the pain of loss.
The trick is to detach from a person without detaching from yourself. Here are some signs you’re stuffing your emotions while detaching from someone:
- You’re shopping and spending more.
- You’re overeating.
- You’re drinking alcohol or using other unhealthy substances to cope.
- You won’t even think about or talk about the person you’re detaching from.
Ready for the biggest red flag? You’re not even sad. As a therapist, I’ve seen people enter a stage of numbness after detaching emotionally from a person. They think they’re doing a great job because they aren’t falling apart. In reality, they are actually detaching from their emotions.
This is dangerous territory. You truly need to be more connected to your emotions than ever before when you’re emotionally detaching from someone. Feel every pang of loss as you get true closure.
9. Avoid triggers
Most of us know when our defenses are weakening. There are certain habits that let us know we’re “flirting” with trouble. If you’re trying to learn how to emotionally let go of someone you love, triggers might look like:
- Checking on their social media.
- Posting things to get their attention on social media.
- Sending a text message just to “check up” on them.
- Purposely going where you know they’ll be.
These triggers make you more likely to reattach after detaching. They apply whether you’re learning how to detach from someone you know well or love from afar.
10. Focus on what you can control
As we learn how to detach from someone, lots of anxiety can come to the surface. One lesson that’s learned is that unhealthy attachment often comes down to wanting control. We want to control how the other person behaves and feels. Detaching is scary because we’re giving up the illusion of control that makes us feel safe.
11. Write a goodbye letter you’ll never send
This doesn’t need to be a letter to the person you’re detaching from. Write it instead to the relationship you’re detaching from. I’ve found this to be extremely helpful in my practice.
Writing a breakup letter to the relationship helps you get closure. It’s also a way to list the things you’re walking away from that hurt you. When it’s done, tuck the letter in a drawer for safekeeping. You can also bury or burn it.
12. Consider an accountability partner
If you’re detaching from a toxic scenario, consider asking a friend to hold you accountable. This should be a trusted person who understands how the dynamic hurts you. They agree to be “on call” when you have weak moments. I suggest accountability partners to clients who have histories of breakup-makeup cycles.
13. Heal in therapy
What does it mean to detach from someone?
Choosing to emotionally detach from someone means disengaging from the emotional experience of being bonded. It can look different in different scenarios.
In one situation, you may emotionally disengage from someone you’ll still see regularly. In others, emotional detachment accompanies physical estrangement.
Here are some examples of what it means to emotionally detach from someone:
- Consciously disconnecting from the emotional connection you’ve had with someone.
- Avoiding a person who causes you stress or pain entirely.
- Setting specific boundaries with a person to preserve your mental health and well-being.
- Making the choice to not engage with someone’s behavior. This could mean ignoring sharp remarks from a person who puts you down, says rude things, or makes demands out of entitlement. You might also avoid someone who is using substances.
- Allowing someone to experience the consequences of their actions. This happens if you’re emotionally detaching from someone after suspecting that you’re codependent or partaking in enabling behaviors. It can look like not picking up the pieces, rescuing, or covering up.
Signs it’s time to detach from someone
There doesn’t need to be a red flag. Recognizing that things no longer work is enough. However, I do recommend strong discernment if you’re dealing with family members.
These are my top signs as a therapist:
- So much of your physical, mental, and emotional energy is being poured into the other person. You’re lost.
- You’re drained from constantly reacting to their emotions.
- You’ve had the same conversation a hundred times with no changes.
- Being with them makes you worse as a person.
- They break every promise to change. The relationship feels stuck in a loop.
- Their behaviors and feelings feel like your responsibility.
- Your connection with them isn’t comforting. It might be negative, overpowering, or scary.
- You feel anxious around them.
- Their behaviors or lifestyles fundamentally clash with who you are.
It goes without saying that both emotional and physical detachment are necessary in abusive situations. Prioritize getting to a safe space first. Once you’re physically safe, begin the process of emotionally detaching.
How long does it take to detach from someone emotionally?
There’s no set time frame. In my experience, it happens faster when we don’t relapse. We reattach slightly every time we give up a boundary. Depending on the circumstance, it can take a few weeks, months, or years.
The nature and length of the relationship can matter. Emotionally detaching from parents or siblings can take years. If it was a six-month relationship, you may be clear in a few weeks. However, it’s not a science.
It’s possible that you may never fully detach from someone. This is where having the tools to maintain boundaries becomes important. Journaling, meditation, and ongoing therapy can all be important for getting through bumps along the way.
While not every detachment is romantic, research on breakups provides insights. Researchers found that reflecting on a breakup can speed up the healing process.
