Do you find it difficult to accept criticism, even if it is presented calmly and constructively? Do you often overthink what others say about you? In that case, you can learn how to not take things personally.
Here are some practical, research-backed tips to help you reduce the power that others’ actions have over your emotional state, increase your self-awareness, and finally stop taking things personally.
Why Am I Taking Things So Personally? 5 Possible Reasons
Although taking things personally can feel automatic, several reasons may explain why it happens:
1. Low Self-Esteem
According to Columbia University researchers [1], having low self-worth can make criticism or rejection feel like a direct attack on you. For example, imagine you receive constructive feedback about your job. However, instead of seeing it as helpful in fixing your mistake, you think, “I’m just not good enough. I don’t know what to do with my life.”
Another indicator of low self-esteem is projecting your insecurities onto others. You may assume they see you the way you see yourself. As an illustration, when you’re insecure about your appearance, you might assume that when someone looks at you, they’re thinking, “They hate me. I look awful.”
If you’re confused about what you’re feeling, the Breeze app can help you figure things out and give suggestions on what to do next. With its quick self-checkups, self-growth tips, relaxation games, courses, and other tools, you can learn how to not take things personally.
2. Negative Experiences in the Past
Past emotional pain, like betrayal or rejection, can also impact your self-esteem making you more likely to take things personally, studies show [2]. The reason is a lingering fear of being hurt again that makes you wonder how not to take things personally.
3. Over-Sensitivity
If you search #highlysensitiveperson on TikTok, you’ll find over 34 million posts, many of which show people crying or looking upset when the weight of life becomes too much to deal with. Some people are more sensitive to external circumstances, according to a study on sensitivity [3].
That’s why they may express stronger emotional reactions and take it personally. For instance, a highly sensitive person can easily recognize themselves in a situation where their friend cancels plans, and they immediately feel hurt, thinking, “They don’t want to hang out with me anymore,” and wondering how to be a better friend.
4. Lack of Emotional Boundaries
A study found that without clear emotional boundaries and understanding how to feel your feelings, people may find it hard to separate their feelings from those of the people around them [4]. As a result, they may absorb others’ feelings as if they are their own.
For instance, imagine that your friend is upset and snaps at you. Instead of accepting the fact that their reaction is about their personal worries, you might think, “I must have done something wrong to make them upset.” As a result, you may take it personally, feeling guilt or self-blame, even when the situation has nothing to do with you.
5. Family Pressure
Naturally, family can shape a person’s tendency to take things personally, especially if they’ve grown up feeling the need to seek approval or avoid conflict. That’s why if they’re not comfortable with confrontation, they might take criticism or arguments personally. Eventually, it can make such people wonder how to not take things so personally in their life.
We asked Emily Mendez, M.S., Ed.S., how family can shape one’s pattern to take things personally.
A person’s family or early childhood experiences can shape their behavior later in life. A person whose parents were overly critical growing up might be more likely to take things personally as an adult. Also, children learn by watching their parents. If their parents were very sensitive to criticism, they may be, too.
7 Tips on How To Not Take Things Personally
Constantly taking things personally can lead to unnecessary stress, feeling like a victim, and negative self-talk, according to psychological research [5]. Here are seven tips on how to not take things personally:
1. Understand That Others’ Behavior Is About Them, Not You
Although it’s easy to feel attacked when someone acts negatively toward you, research shows that people’s behavior is often more about their internal state than about you. According to Dr. Shad Helmstetter, a behavioral scientist, people’s actions are frequently motivated by their emotions, beliefs, and past experiences, which often have nothing to do with you [6].
Consequently, when you feel hurt, try to look at the situation from a different perspective and remind yourself, “This is about their experience and worries, not me.” Or, stop and ask yourself: “Do I have all the facts? Could there be another explanation for this behavior?”
Replace irrational thoughts and strong emotions with more balanced, objective ones. Over time, this will reduce the emotional charge of taking things personally.
2. Reframe Negative Feedback
Reframing is a powerful way to stop taking things personally and change your life for the better. When getting criticism, ask yourself: “How can I use this information to improve?” Try to distinguish between feedback meant to help you improve and personal attacks.
When you receive constructive criticism, pause and reframe it as an opportunity for growth. This shift in mindset makes the feedback more about self-improvement than about your worth.
3. Boost Your Self-Esteem with Positive Self-Affirmations To Stop Worrying
According to recent research, taking things personally may result from low self-worth [7]. If you wonder how not to take things personally, positive affirmations for women might be helpful to improve your self-worth.
Research shows that daily affirmations can activate brain areas responsible for emotional regulation and self-acceptance [8]. Thus, the following confidence boosters may help you to stop taking things personally:
- I am worthy, and others’ actions do not define me.
- I choose to respond, not react, to situations.
- Other people’s actions are a reflection of them, not me.
- I am in control of my emotions and how I react.
- I let go of what I can’t control and focus on what I can.
- I am enough, just as I am, without needing approval from others.
- Criticism helps me grow, and I can take it in a healthy way.
- I am not responsible for others’ emotions or reactions.
- I can express myself authentically without fear of judgment.
- I forgive myself for any mistakes and grow from them.
4. Let Go of the Need for Constant Approval
Social comparison theory, introduced by Leon Festinger, explains why people seek validation from others. It suggests that we often judge ourselves by comparing how well we’re doing to others [9]. When we tie our self-worth to others’ opinions, we risk emotional upset if those opinions change or are harmful.
Letting go of the need for constant approval is also closely tied to reducing perfectionism. People with perfectionist tendencies can tie their self-worth to meeting unrealistically high standards, both for themselves and based on how others perceive them. According to the American Psychological Association, this constant drive for approval and fear of criticism can lead to self-doubt [10].
As a result, when perfectionists don’t meet these expectations or receive negative feedback, it can feel like a personal failure. Consequently, it may further reinforce the cycle of needing validation.
“The first step in letting go of the need for constant approval is to become more self-aware. Notice when you excessively seek approval from others. What triggers your need for approval? Finally, consider seeking therapy. Therapy can be very helpful for overcoming the constant need for approval. It can help boost your self-esteem and confidence so you don’t feel the need for reassurance from others,” – Emily Mendez, M.S., Ed.S.
5. Develop EQ To Stop Taking Things Personally
Directing your energy into developing emotional intelligence may help prevent you from taking things personally. Research by the American Psychological Association shows that people with high emotional intelligence have better relationships and can handle stress more effectively [11].
To improve your EQ, reflect on your emotional responses to situations regularly. The more you understand your emotions, the easier it will be to process negative things without taking them personally. You can start with self-reflection questions to ask yourself and take a simple and informative Emotional Intelligence test to get new insights and become the best version of yourself.
6. Set Boundaries to Protect Your Emotional Space
Have you ever wondered, “Why do I take things so personally even when I know it’s not about me?” The reason may be the lack of emotional boundaries, which makes it easy to internalize others’ opinions and emotions [4].
That’s why you should protect your boundaries firmly without getting angry. You don’t need to explain yourself. Simply saying, “I’m not comfortable with this,” can protect you from getting hurt.
Eventually, setting boundaries allows you to distance yourself emotionally from situations that could trigger personal reactions. For example, if a colleague criticizes your work harshly, you can tell them you prefer constructive feedback rather than negative comments. Thus, you can control how much emotional energy you invest in their criticism, making it easier to avoid taking it personally.
Another example may be when a friend or co-worker constantly makes jokes at your expense. In this case, you may tell them that you got offended by those jokes and ask for more respectful communication. This way, you protect yourself from internalizing and learn how to not take things so personally.
7. Ask Before You Assume
A study by the University of London shows that our immediate emotional reactions often come from jumping to conclusions or interpreting someone’s words or actions in a way that triggers us [12].
Instead of assuming someone is upset with you or that their comments are a reflection of your worth, take a step back and ask for clarification. This simple practice can help you avoid negative emotional reactions and allow you to better understand the situation and respond thoughtfully.
Sources
- Kathy R. Berenson, Geraldine Downey. Self-esteem and rejection sensitivity in close relationships. January 2006.
- Cun Li, Peicai Fu, Minghuan Wang, Ye Xia, Caihong Hu, Mao Liu, Han Zhang, Xin Sheng and Yuan Yang. The role of self-esteem and emotion regulation in the associations between childhood trauma and mental health in adulthood: a moderated mediation model. April 2023.
- Bianca P Acevedo, Elaine N Aron, Arthur Aron, Matthew-Donald Sangster, Nancy Collins, Lucy L Brown. The highly sensitive brain: an fMRI study of sensory processing sensitivity and response to others’ emotions. June 2014.
- Peterson, E., Solomon, D. Maintaining healthy boundaries in professional relationships: a balancing act. 1998.
- Trauma Research UK. Do You Often Take Things Personally. April 2024.
- Shad Helmstetter, Ph.D. “What to Say When You Talk to Yourself”. 1982.
- Chris Foy. How to Take Things Less Personally at Work and in Life. July 2024.
- Christopher N Cascio, Matthew Brook O’Donnell, Francis J Tinney, Matthew D Lieberman, Shelley E Taylor, Victor J Strecher, Emily B Falk. National Library of Medicine. Self-affirmation activates brain systems associated with self-related processing and reward and is reinforced by future orientation. November 2015.
- Leon Festinger. A Theory of Social Comparison Processes.
- Emily Sohn, American Psychological Association. Perfectionism and the high-stakes culture of success. October 2024.
- Dana Ackley. Emotional Intelligence: A Practical Review of Models. Measures and Applications. 2016.
- Royal Holloway, University of London. New study reveals how people can catch a tendency to jump to conclusions. March 2021.
