Key takeaways
- Hyper-independence is an extreme form of self-reliance, such as when people do everything on their own, even if it means sacrificing their well-being.
- The most common signs of hyper-independence include refusal or inability to ask for help, distrusting others, difficulty being vulnerable, and overachieving.
- Childhood trauma can be one of the main causes of hyper-independence. When someone was betrayed or neglected in childhood, extreme self-reliance becomes a trauma response and a coping mechanism that helps them feel safer.
- Hyper-independence in relationships can lead to emotional unavailability and lack of meaningful connection. Still, if an unavailable partner is ready for change, it opens the door for healthy relations.
What is hyper-independence?
“Oh, it’s just me, myself and I
Solo ride until I die
‘Cause I got me for life.”
These lyrics from G-Eazy’s “Me, Myself & I” capture what hyper-independence often feels like. It’s like doing it all alone, even when things get challenging.
“I don’t need a hand to hold even when the night is cold…” — for someone who might be hyper-independent, this rings true.
This is more than just self-reliance. It’s an extreme form of it when a person completely avoids reaching out for support and help.
Financial troubles? You’ll handle them on your own. Need emotional support? You convince yourself you don’t. Career setback? You’ll push through it all alone as well.
Being too independent means that someone goes through tough times alone. It’s a mindset where asking for help feels like a weakness, even though everyone sometimes needs emotional connection and assistance.
Really, this defense mechanism may have helped earlier in life. However, if it sticks around, it can keep you from opening up to new experiences and building intimate relationships.
7 signs of hyper-independence
Have you ever asked yourself, “Am I too independent? Is needing no one my greatest strength or my biggest wall?” If yes, this quick checklist of signs might be helpful.
Please note that hyper-independence symptoms tend to vary from person to person. Still, if many of them resonate with your behavior, it may be time to pay more attention to your self-reliance.
1. Refusing to ask for help
The most obvious and, probably, most significant sign. Hyper-independent people don’t want to delegate tasks or seek support even when they are overwhelmed.
Think about co-workers who take on so much responsibility that they can barely handle it. They might work overnight, drink 5 cups of coffee daily, or miss deadlines. But even if they’d need to spend the whole weekend at work, they’d never pass tasks to someone else or ask for additional support. That’s it!
2. Feeling ashamed when you need to rely on others
Imagine a happy bride and groom planning their ideal marriage — dozens of guests, an amazing place, and the best honeymoon possible.
At first, everything went smoothly, but then the couple understood that they still needed help with organization, so they brought in a wedding planner.
Even though it’s the right choice, the bride feels defeated. For a hyper-independent woman, needing support is more like a personal setback than a smart solution.
3. Mistrust of others
One more sign of toxic independence is believing others will let you down.
“Consciously or unconsciously, they’d do everything wrong and betray my trust.” — this is how some people may think without even noticing it.
Sharing secrets with others? No, they might tell them to someone. Accepting help in a project? It’d be easier to do it yourself than to risk mistakes from others. Even simple teamwork can feel like a gamble you’re unwilling to take.
4. Little or no close relationships
If you’ve seen Netflix’s The Queen’s Gambit, you probably remember the main character, Beth Harmon. While being overly independent, Beth often keeps people at arm’s length and refuses help — even when she’s clearly struggling.
It’s typical for those with hyper-independence to turn into lonely wolves. Since they are often too cautious or distrustful of others, they can’t let their walls down, so it’s easier for them to avoid close relationships.
5. Difficulty being vulnerable
Emotional unavailability and sticking to surface-level topics are also important signs. Hyper-independent people are secretive and often keep their true feelings under lock and key, only showing the tip of the iceberg.
For them, sharing emotions can feel too risky. It’s like giving up a part of themselves they’d rather keep being guarded. Being overly independent is a defense mechanism that may keep people feeling safe, but it often comes at the cost of true connection.
6. Overachieving and perfectionism
“Everything needs to be perfect.”
This is a core belief of many hyper-independent people. They can’t rely on others. But even more, they can’t allow themselves to make mistakes.
The pressure to always be “on point” leads to constant stress, leaving little room for growth or self-compassion. It’s like running on a treadmill that never stops — no matter how fast they go, they never feel like they’re getting anywhere.
7. Anxiety, depression, or burnout
Last but not least. All the mentioned hyper-independence trauma symptoms can quickly lead to severe anxiety, constant stress, and mental health problems.
Have you ever seen someone who does everything alone being completely happy? It’s highly unlikely.
The mental strain of hyper-independence can manifest as burnout, where even the simplest tasks feel daunting. So, if you find yourself in this never-ending rush and notice the first signs of mental health problems, it might be time to reach out to a therapist.
What causes hyper-independence?
It’s important to note that hyper-independence isn’t a mental health condition. Most often, it’s a response that stems from past experiences.
For instance, you grew up in a country where society highly valued self-sufficiency and independence. This taught you that asking for help was a sign of weakness, and you took this belief further in life.
On the other hand, it might be a sign of a mental health condition like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). As you already know, being overly independent can trigger depression and anxiety. But it can happen vice versa as well.
What are the most common causes of toxic independence? Check them out:
- Childhood trauma
- Low self-esteem
- Social influences
- Mental health conditions
- Growing up in a family that values hyper-independence
- Previous betrayals and abuse in relationships
- Coping with loss of control in some areas of life
Hidden connection between hyper independence and trauma
“You’re all you’ve got, there’s no one else. You’re the only one that cares, they don’t love you. You’re on your own, you’ve got to make it on your own. It would help at the time, whenever something bad happened I wouldn’t cry but tell myself I needed to be strong because I was alone.” — quote from a Reddit user.
You already know the main reasons why people can think this way. Still, it’s essential to understand that most often, the answer to the question, “Is not asking for help a trauma response?” is “Yes!”
Childhood trauma
Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) are the most common reason why people become hyper-independent.
If you grew up seeing that there’s no one here to give a helping hand, self-reliance becomes your typical reaction.
Actually, it’s a coping mechanism that allowed a kid to cover emotional and physical needs in childhood, and now it continues to shape their adult life.
Here are a few of the most common experiences that might lead to hyper-independence:
- Parentification trauma
- Middle child syndrome
- Betrayal trauma
- Emotional neglect
Parentification trauma
When you were a kid, needing to play the role of a parent can be parentification. You might have taken care of younger siblings, cooked for the whole family all the time, managed the budget, or talked about adult issues.
As a result, you could have gained a belief that you can’t rely on others, which transformed into a hyper-independence trauma.
Middle child syndrome
It stems from the fact that in the early years you may have been overlooked. Remember Arya Stark from Game of Thrones? That’s it! She wasn’t always under a parental microscope and made her own decisions, which fostered higher independence.
If your siblings have overshadowed you all the time, extreme self-reliance can be a trauma response. Growing up feeling “invisible” in middle child often teaches you to lean only on yourself. This can build a fierce independence that, while empowering, may also push others away.
Betrayal trauma
When someone you trust in childhood betrays you, it can turn into emotional baggage that you take further in life.
Will a person believe others after this traumatizing experience? There’s a high chance that the answer is “no.”
It can transform into an inability to share secrets, lean on important tasks, or a general desire to cope with all the stuff alone. In a nutshell, it creates a pattern we call hyper independence.
Emotional neglect
One more case when not asking for help is a trauma response after a person was neglected. Pretty much like with middle child syndrome, in tough times, you could have felt lonely.
This feeling, “I’m unimportant, and no one cares about me,” can take root, making it feel safer to rely only on yourself. Over time, it builds a wall around you, keeping others at bay and making it harder to let people in, even when you need support.
Later traumatizing experiences
We must note that ACEs aren’t the only possible painful experience that may transform into toxic independence.
Think about Iron Man, aka Tony Stark, from the Marvel movies. After being kidnapped and witnessing the destructive power of his weapons, Tony’s world is shaken. His hyper-independence is rooted in the trauma of betrayal and guilt, driving him to shoulder immense responsibilities alone.
Of course, this is just a movie example, and the reasons for being too independent can be different.
- Abusive relationships
- Painful breakup
- Grief and loss
- Major life changes
- Negative treatment at work
- Career setbacks, etc.
So, if you find yourself leaning too much on your strength, it might be time to dig a little deeper. Understanding what’s driving this behavior can help you build more meaningful connections and feel much better.
Hyper-independence in relationships
“Associate with noblest people you can find; read the best books; live with the mighty. But learn to be happy alone. Rely upon your own energies, and so not wait for, or depend on other people.” ― Thomas Davidson.
Being overly independent can be daunting, but building relationships with a hyper-independent person is usually challenging as well.
There’s nothing wrong with partners who solve their problems and can say, “I’m going to spend this weekend with my friends.”
Yet, it can turn into a problem when your loved one constantly stays emotionally distant and mistrustful, leaving you feeling like an outsider in your relationship.
If you or your significant other are ready to improve and save the relationship, hyper-independence treatment might be necessary. Still, if someone doesn’t want to change anything, it’s only up to you to decide whether you’re ready to stay together.
“I love a hyper-independent woman / man. How can I help them open up?”
Hannah Schlueter, MA, LAC, comments, “One of the best ways to help a hyper-independent partner open up is to ensure you are actively listening and validating their experience. Especially in the presence of conflict, having foundational skills to make your partner feel heard and valued is going to help them continue to feel safe enough to share.”
FAQ about being hyper-independent
Is hyper-independence bad?
There’s not a clear line between independence and hyper-independence. The only thing you need to look at is your feelings.
Does doing things alone empower you and help you thrive, or does it leave you feeling isolated and overwhelmed?
Being independent is great, as you can handle life challenges and tackle obstacles head-on. However, when this extreme self-reliance is holding you back and harming your life and happiness, it’s time to get alarmed.
What are the benefits of being hyperindependent?
Most often, it brings more drawbacks than positive opportunities. Nevertheless, if you are in a toxic environment, it can protect you.
Whether working in a position where you feel unsupported or staying in abusive relationships, hyper-independence can serve as a shield.
Yet, it’s important to understand that this behavior still might not always work for good. It can hinder you from trying new relationships or making friends.
How does hyper-independence treatment happen?
We asked Hannah Schlueter, MA, LAC, about it, “The most common approach for treatment of hyper-independence is to work on a person’s attachment style. This will help them learn to feel more safe in their relationships and allow them to find opportunities to ask for help, find support, and share their vulnerability in more adaptive ways. The second approach would be through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) as it would help a person adjust their beliefs that perpetuate their extreme self-reliance and create a more flexible and balanced relationship with asking for help and trusting other people.”
