In a conversation with your mother, how often do you hear that you are living the wrong life, dying your hair in bad colors and that the shoes you spent three salaries on are “tacky”? She picked out your career, made you pick a college, and secured a “high-profile” position for you?
If you’re nodding while reading this, you’re probably dealing with an overbearing mother.
This blog post is for you—the adult children who find themselves torn between love and the need for personal space.
Let’s discuss the characteristics of an overbearing mom and how her behavior impacts you. Are you ready? Let us get started.
7 signs you grew up with an overbearing mother
Growing up, nothing you did seemed to meet mom’s high standards. Now, you find yourself constantly seeking approval from everyone around you. Here are some other signs of controlling parents in adulthood:
1. Difficulty making decisions
One of the most common signs of having been raised by an overbearing mother is difficulty making decisions. When a parent constantly dictates what is right or wrong, a child rarely learns to trust their own judgment. This can lead to a lifelong struggle with decision-making.
Adult children of overbearing parents might find themselves second-guessing even the smallest choices, from what to wear to more significant life decisions like career changes.
This indecision stems from an ingrained fear of making mistakes and disappointing others.
2. Lack of self-confidence and full of self-doubts
If you hear your mom’s critical voice every time you make a decision, you might struggle with self-doubt. This can affect your career, relationships, and overall self-esteem.
Another telltale sign is a pervasive lack of self-confidence. When a mother closely monitors and controls every aspect of her child’s life, it sends a message that the child’s capabilities are not trusted or valued. This often translates to self-doubt in adulthood.
For instance, you might find yourself doubting your abilities at work despite evidence of your competence. This lack of confidence can prevent you from seeking promotions or taking on new challenges.
3. Emotional dysregulation
Experiencing emotional fluctuations is another common sign. Overbearing parents often impose strict emotional guidelines, dictating how their children should feel and express themselves.
This stifles natural emotional growth and can lead to a whirlwind of emotions in adulthood.
You might find yourself swinging between extremes—feeling overly emotional one moment and completely empty and numb the next. This instability can strain relationships, make it challenging to maintain a balanced emotional state. It also creates difficulty when going about your typical day-to-day functioning.
To manage emotional turbulence, consider taking the EQ test From Breeze. Understanding your emotions and finding healthy ways to express them can bring much-needed stability and peace.
4. Fear of abandonment or avoiding intimacy
A deep-seated fear of abandonment or avoiding intimacy often accompanies an overbearing upbringing. Controlling parents who are excessively involved may inadvertently teach their children that love and attention are conditional.
This can manifest in adulthood as a fear of being left alone or an aversion to getting too close to others. You might push people away to protect yourself from potential hurt or cling too tightly, fearing they will leave.
5. People-pleasing tendencies or passive-aggressive behavior
People-pleasing tendencies or passive-aggressive behavior are other signs of an overbearing upbringing. When a child’s primary goal is to appease their mother, they may carry this habit into adulthood.
You might find yourself constantly seeking approval or going out of your way to make others happy, often at your own expense. Alternatively, suppressed resentment can manifest as passive-aggressive behavior.
Recognizing these patterns is the first step to change. Practice asserting your needs and setting boundaries. Learning to prioritize your well-being can gradually reduce the compulsion to please others or act out passive-aggressively.
6. Inability to say “no”
Also, you may be unable to say no to everyone who asks. Overbearing mothers often expect compliance, leaving little room for children to assert their desires.
As an adult, you might struggle to set boundaries and say no, leading to burnout and resentment. You may find yourself overwhelmed with responsibilities and commitments you didn’t want to take on.
7. Perfectionism
Finally, an indication that you may have grown up with an overbearing mother can be perfectionism.
You might find yourself striving for flawlessness in everything you do, fearing criticism or feeling like a failure. This relentless pursuit of perfection can lead to stress, anxiety, and burnout.
Growing up in an environment where only perfection was acceptable can make it difficult to accept anything less. You might set unrealistic standards for yourself and others, leading to constant dissatisfaction.
Understanding overbearing mother
Simply put, an overbearing mother or overbearing mother-in-law is someone who exerts excessive control or influence over their child’s life. No matter for overbearing parents, you are 20 or 40 years old.
First things first, what qualifies as overbearing? We’re talking about moms who micromanage your life, whether it’s your career choices, friendships, or even your wardrobe. It’s like having a manager who’s always on duty.
Typically, they exhibit behaviors like excessive control, unsolicited advice, and frequent criticism, often under the guise of “knowing what’s best.”
- The Hovercraft Mom: She’s always around, physically or digitally. Your social media? Monitored. Your whereabouts? Known.
- The Criticizer: Nothing you do is good enough, and she isn’t shy about letting you know.
- The Decision-Maker: From what you eat to whom you date, she’s got an opinion—or rather, a decree.
Sure, moms are supposed to care, but there’s a difference between caring and controlling.
While she may claim to have your best interests at heart, this conduct has the potential to hinder your autonomy and could result in you feeling overwhelmed.
6 examples of behavior by overbearing mother
1. She calls or texts constantly
Does it seem like your mom’s name is always at the top of your call log? Frequent, unsolicited calls and texts can be a sign of an overcontrolling mom. While it’s lovely to stay in touch, constant contact can feel invasive.
For example, if your mom texts you multiple times a day asking what you’re doing, who you’re with, and what you had for lunch, it might be more about her need to control than genuine concern.
2. She offers unsolicited advice
Got a mom who has an opinion on everything from your career choices to your romantic relationships? Overbearing moms often dispense advice even when you haven’t asked for it.
This can make you feel like she doesn’t trust your judgment or believes you’re incapable of making decisions on your own.
For instance, maybe you mentioned offhandedly that you’re considering a new job. Suddenly, your mom is sending you links to articles, forwarding job listings, and calling daily to discuss your plans. It might seem like a kind of micromanagement, even if it’s well-meaning.
3. She invades your personal space
Have you ever come home to find your mom cleaning your apartment or rearranging your furniture? While some might see this as helpful, it’s a distinct boundary violation that can lead to enmeshment trauma.
Controlling mother’s may feel entitled to invade their children’s personal spaces under the guise of helping.
This behavior can extend to your digital life, too. She might feel the need to snoop through your social media or emails to “check you are safe.”
4. You feel guilty when setting boundaries
Setting boundaries is essential for any healthy relationship, but it can be particularly challenging with an overbearing mom.
If you find yourself feeling guilty or anxious about asserting your needs, it’s a sign that her behavior is affecting your emotional well-being.
For example, if you tell your mom you can’t make it to Sunday dinner because you have plans, and she responds with guilt-tripping comments like, “I guess I’m not important,” it’s a manipulation tactic that can make you question your decisions.
5. You avoid sharing personal details
Do you find yourself withholding information from your mom to avoid her intrusive questions or unsolicited advice?
If you’re keeping aspects of your life private out of fear of her reaction, it may be a sign that her overbearing nature is impacting your openness and honesty.
Perhaps you started dating someone new but haven’t mentioned it to your mom because you know she’ll want to meet them immediately and start planning your wedding. Keeping secrets can also create distance and tension in your relationship.
6. You feel overwhelmed or stressed
Ultimately, an overbearing mother can bring about feelings of stress and anxiety. If her involvement leaves you feeling drained, overwhelmed, or resentful, it’s crucial to address these emotions before they escalate.
Take note of how you feel after interactions with your mom. Do you feel supported and loved, or do you feel exhausted and criticized? Your emotional responses can provide insight into the health of your relationship and show where you may need to set some boundaries.
Why is my mom so controlling?
Why do some moms act this way? Often, it’s a combination of personality traits and past life experiences.
Maybe she grew up in a chaotic environment and vowed to have more control over her own family. Or perhaps she has unresolved anxiety that manifests as over-involvement in your life.
Additionally, according to Darlene Lancer, author of Dealing with a Narcissist: How to Raise Your Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People, controlling is a typical tactic of narcissistic mothers.
In short, it could be because they are afraid or anxious about their child or because of adverse childhood experiences. Or they might just think that “mother knows best,” or they have narcissistic tendencies.
Whatever the reason, understanding this can be the first step toward managing the relationship between you and your mother.
Effects of overbearing mother on their children
As you might know, the psychological effects of controlling parents in adulthood start early. During childhood, every little thing mom did felt normal. But those early years set the stage for adulthood challenges.
- Lack of Boundaries: Mom might have been everywhere and anywhere, from parent-teacher meetings to playdates. You grew up without any breathing room.
- Codependency Issues: Overbearing mothers can foster codependent relationships, where boundaries are blurred and personal growth is stunted. This can be particularly problematic when trying to form healthy adult relationships, as you may find it difficult to establish boundaries or assert your needs.
- Emotional Dependence: In addition, an overbearing mom fosters emotional dependence. You were probably taught that mom’s way is the best (and only) way.
- Stress and Anxiety: Constant pressure to meet expectations can lead to stress and anxiety. Imagine always walking on eggshells, hoping to avoid criticism.
- Low Self-Esteem: When someone constantly questions your choices, it’s easy to doubt yourself. You may start second-guessing every decision, big or small.
- Resentment: Over time, this constant interference can breed resentment. It’s natural to want some space to grow and make mistakes.
If you’re struggling, know that you’re not alone. Many people have walked this path and come out stronger on the other side.
Keep pushing forward, and don’t hesitate to reach out for help when you need it. You’ve got this.
