Mom Knows Best? Signs You Had an Overbearing Mother

In a conversation with your mother, how often do you hear that you are living the wrong life, dying your hair bad colors, and that the shoes you spent three salaries on are “tacky”? She picked out your career, made you pick a college, and secured a “high-profile” position for you.

If you’re nodding while reading this, you’re probably dealing with an overbearing mother and the effects of an overbearing parenting style. This blog post is for you—the adult children who find themselves torn between love and the need for personal space.

But first, check if an overbearing mom is influencing the fact that you are having relationships with a narcissist.

Understanding an overbearing mother

An overbearing mother is someone who has an overbearing parenting style and exerts excessive control or influence over their child’s life. It is about moms who micromanage your life, whether it’s your career choices, friendships, or even your wardrobe. It’s like having a manager who’s always on duty. 

Typically, they exhibit behaviors like excessive control, unsolicited advice, and frequent criticism, often under the guise of “knowing what’s best.” Whether you are 20 or 40 years old, it doesn’t matter to overbearing parents.

• The Hovercraft Mom: She’s always around, physically or digitally. Your social media is monitored, and your whereabouts are known.
• The Criticizer: Nothing you do is good enough from an overbearing mother’s perspective, and she isn’t shy about letting you know.
• The Decision-Maker: From what you eat to whom you date, she’s got an opinion, or rather, a decree.

Mothers are expected to care, but there is a distinction between caring and overbearing behavior. While she may claim to have your best interests at heart, this behavior has the potential to impede your autonomy and leave you feeling overwhelmed.

6 examples of behavior of an overbearing mother

Here are six signs that might indicate you grew up with an overly controlling mother.

1. She calls or texts constantly

While it’s lovely to stay in touch, constant intrusion can feel invasive. For example, if your mom texts you multiple times a day asking what you’re doing, who you’re with, and what you had for lunch, it might be more about her need to control than genuine concern. Frequent, unsolicited calls and texts can be one of the signs of an overbearing mother. 

2. She offers unsolicited advice

Overbearing mothers can dispense advice even when you haven’t asked for it. This can make you feel like she doesn’t trust your judgment or believes you’re incapable of making decisions on your own. For instance, maybe you mentioned offhandedly that you’re considering a new job.

Suddenly, your mom is sending you links to articles, forwarding job listings, and calling daily to discuss your plans. It might seem like a kind of micromanagement, even if it’s well-meaning.

3. She invades your personal space

Have you ever come home to find your mom cleaning your apartment or rearranging your furniture? While some might see this as helpful, it’s a distinct boundary violation that can lead to enmeshment trauma.

Controlling mothers may feel entitled to invade their children’s personal spaces under the guise of helping. This behavior can extend to your digital life, too. She might feel the need to snoop through your social media or emails to “check you are safe.”

4. You feel guilty when setting boundaries

Setting boundaries is important in any healthy relationship, but it can be especially difficult with an overbearing mother. Overbearing mothers might have been everywhere and anywhere, from parent-teacher meetings to playdates. You grew up without any breathing room from a controlling mother or other family members.

If you find yourself feeling guilty or anxious about asserting your needs, it’s a sign that you grew up with an overbearing mother, and it’s affecting your mental health.

For example, if you tell your mom you can’t make it to Sunday dinner because you have plans, and she responds with guilt-tripping comments like, “I guess I’m not important,” it’s an emotional manipulation tactic that can make you question your decisions.

5. You avoid sharing personal details

If you’re keeping various aspects of your life private out of fear of her reaction, it may be a sign that her overbearing behaviour is impacting your openness and honesty. What’s more, keeping secrets or maintaining personal space can cause distance and tension in your relationship with an overbearing mother.

For instance, you’ve started dating someone new but haven’t told your mother because you know she’ll want to meet them right away and begin planning your wedding. 

6. You feel overwhelmed or stressed after communicating with her

Finally, a mother who is too controlling can make her children feel stressed and anxious because of how she acts. If her overly involved behavior makes you feel tired, stressed out, or angry, you need to deal with these emotions right away before they get worse.

To manage emotional turbulence, consider taking the EQ test from Breeze. Understanding your emotional health and expressing emotions in healthy ways can provide much-needed stability and peace.

Why is my mother overbearing?

It’s a combination of personality traits and past life experiences. She might have vowed to have more control over her own family members because she experienced a chaotic upbringing and an adverse childhood experience. Or perhaps she has unresolved anxiety that manifests as over-involvement in your life.

Her overbearing and narcissistic parents may also have contributed to it. They treated her more like an extension of themselves than as a unique person with their own interests and opinions.

According to Darlene Lancer, author of Dealing with a Narcissist: How to Raise Your Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People, narcissistic mothers may employ an overbearing parenting style with their kids.

Effects of an overbearing mother on their children’s mental health

Overbearing mothers’ psychological effects on mental health from a young age continue into adulthood. Here are some of the most significant examples of the impact of an overbearing mother on child upbringing.

1. Difficulty making decisions

One of the most common effects of being raised by an overbearing mother is difficulty making decisions. This indecision stems from a deep-seated fear of making mistakes and disappointing people. When a controlling mother constantly dictates what is right or wrong, a child rarely learns to trust their own judgment and life choices. 

When someone constantly questions your decisions and opinions, it’s easy to doubt yourself. You may start second-guessing every decision, big or small, as effects of an overbearing mother. Adult children of overbearing parents might find themselves second-guessing even the smallest choices, from what to wear to more significant life decisions like career changes. 

2. Difficulty setting boundaries

You grew up with no breathing space from her or other family members. You might find your overbearing mother anywhere, from parent-teacher meetings to playdates. Later in life, having an overbearing mother may manifest as a lack of self-confidence in upholding your personal boundaries. 

3. Inability to say “no”

The expectation of compliance from an overbearing mother leaves little opportunity for children to express their own needs. Because of this, adult children of these parenting styles have trouble saying no and can end up feeling overburdened by responsibilities and duties they didn’t want to take on. This, in turn, can result in resentment and burnout. 

4. Emotional dysregulation

Overbearing parents dictate how their kids should feel and behave by enforcing rigid emotional rules. Such behavior impedes the natural development of emotions and can cause a flurry of emotions in adulthood. [1] You may experience a fluctuation of emotions, ranging from feeling excessively emotional one moment to feeling completely empty and numb the next. 

5. Low self-esteem

When an overbearing mother closely monitors and controls every aspect of her child’s life, it sends a message that the child’s abilities are not trusted or valued. This can have an impact on your career, romantic relationships, and general self-esteem.

6. People-pleasing tendencies or passive-aggressive behavior

People-pleasing tendencies or passive-aggressive behavior are other signs of an overbearing mother’s upbringing. A child may carry this habit into adulthood if their main objective is to please their mother. It could become a habit to constantly look for approval or to go out of your way to please other people at your own expense. 

Conversely, suppressed anger can manifest as passive-aggressive behavior because it leaves no space for expressing your annoyance and frustration with your mother’s behavior.

7. Perfectionism

Finally, an indication that you may have grown up with an overbearing mother can be perfectionism. You might find yourself striving for flawlessness in everything you do, fearing failure or constant criticism. 

Growing up in an environment where perfection was the only acceptable standard can make it difficult to accept anything less. You might set unrealistic standards for yourself and others.

This relentless pursuit of perfection can lead to constant dissatisfaction with your own path in life, stress, anxiety, and burnout. [2]

Impact on Adult Relationships

Codependency Tendencies 

Overbearing mothers can foster codependent relationships, where boundaries are blurred and personal growth is stunted. [3] This can be particularly problematic when trying to form healthy intimate relationships, as you may find it difficult to establish personal boundaries or assert your own needs and own interests.

Fear of abandonment

In addition, an overbearing mother fosters emotional dependence. A deep-seated fear of abandonment or avoiding intimacy accompanies an overbearing upbringing. Controlling parents who are excessively involved may inadvertently teach their children that love and attention are conditional.

As an adult, this can show up as a fear of being alone or a dislike of being too close to other people. You might push people away to keep yourself safe from getting hurt, or hold on too tight because you’re afraid they’ll leave. 

How to deal with an overbearing mother

Here are some tips for a balanced relationship with an overbearing mother and healthy family dynamics.

Step 1. Notice how you feel after interaction with your mother

Note how you feel after talking to your overbearing mother. Are you feeling loved and supported, or are you worn out and criticized? Your feelings can tell you a lot about how healthy your relationship is and where you might need to set clear boundaries.

Step 2. Establishing healthy boundaries

Practice asserting your own choices and setting healthy boundaries. To be more prepared, start with an imaginary scenario.

Close your eyes and visualize standing in front of your mother. Imagine a transparent barrier between you, similar to a gentle wall of light or glass. Imagine yourself speaking calmly. Allow her to react however she chooses, but imagine your boundary holding.

Then, you can get ready for a real conversation. Instead of explaining your boundary as if it were a negotiation, express your need clearly and without apology:

• “I’m not available for calls after 8 p.m.”
• “I’m making this decision for myself, and I’m fine with it.

Avoid saying, “I feel like you’re trying to control me” (which can be seen as a personal attack from her perspective), and go for “I feel overwhelmed when conversations keep circling back after I’ve made a decision.”

You can pause, take a breath, or say, “I need some time to think about that.” Slowing the pace allows your adult self to respond rather than react. If things get heated, you don’t have to stay in the conversation to make your point.  Try:

• “This is becoming unproductive, so I’ll end the conversation here.”
• “Let us take a pause. We are going around in circles.”

Step 3. Building emotional independence

After establishing boundaries, the next step is to anchor yourself emotionally. Emotional autonomy does not imply shutting her out. Taking on emotional leadership in your own life is what it means.

You can have your own choices that she disagrees with. You’re free to change your mind. You’re allowed to live a life she doesn’t fully understand. These permissions are critical in breaking the emotional contract that says, “Your well-being is dependent on my compliance.”

Step 4: Healing the mother wound 

Mother wound healing involves taking care of the parts of yourself that were neglected, shamed, or silenced in the relationship. These parts learned to reject themselves to stay connected. And, in order to heal, those parts require your attention and link.

You can try trauma-informed exercise that requires you to identify unmet emotional needs. Write down 10 things you needed to hear as a child but were never told. Then, once a day, pick one and say it aloud to yourself with intention.

For example:

• “You don’t need to earn my love.”
• “Your anger makes sense.”
• “You are allowed to be different from me.”

Step 5. Seek professional support and help if setting boundaries doesn’t work

The bond between a child and their mother can be complicated, and some of the conflicts that arise may be hard for you to handle alone. Hire a mediator to help you work out a solution if your mother doesn’t listen to your side of the argument and keeps acting in a controlling manner as part of her helicopter parenting style. 

Alternatively, seek support from professionals like a therapist who can assist you in reestablishing your self-esteem. To receive emotional support from others who have gone through similar experiences as you, you can also attend group therapy.

Try the Breeze app to develop strategies for coping, breaking free from old patterns, improving your communication skills, and establishing and upholding boundaries.

Try Breeze

Sources:

1. León-Del-Barco, B., Mendo-Lázaro, S., Polo-Del-Río, M. I., & López-Ramos, V. M. (2019). Parental Psychological Control and Emotional and Behavioral Disorders among Spanish Adolescents. International journal of environmental research and public health. 
2. Taris, Toon & Beek, Ilona & Schaufeli, Wilmar. (2010). Why do perfectionists have a higher burnout risk than others? The mediational effect of workaholism. Romanian Journal of Applied Psychology
3. Hare, A. L., Szwedo, D. E., Schad, M. M., & Allen, J. P. (2015). Undermining adolescent autonomy with parents and peers: The enduring implications of psychologically controlling parenting. Journal of Research on Adolescence