The term “reactive abuse” is frequently used in the context of toxic relationships, but it is still widely misinterpreted.
Picture yourself backed into a corner — eventually, you’re going to fight back. It’s a human survival instinct to protect yourself when you’re enduring continuous harm. Feeling angry or snapping back can be a survival mechanism, not a sign that you’re turning into the very thing you’re fighting against.
It’s completely natural to feel a whirlwind of emotions when you’re dealing with abuse, and sometimes, those emotions can explode into reactions you didn’t plan.
If you’ve ever lashed out against your perpetrator, take a deep breath and know that it doesn’t make you abusive.
This comprehensive guide aims to shed light on reactive abuse, provide clear examples, and provide helpful tips for those who might be dealing with it.
What is reactive abuse?
Different researchers who study this phenomenon define reactive abuse in psychology as “reactive aggression, also called impulsive, unplanned, hostile, expressive, affective, and hot-blooded, that occurs in response to perceived provocation and in the presence of high arousal and anger.”
In a nutshell, reactive abuse occurs when one who suffers from prolonged emotional, physical, and/or psychological abuse reacts in a way that seems aggressive or irrational.
The perpetrator may misuse this reaction to manipulate you and others into believing that the victim is the true aggressor.
Is reactive abuse still abuse? Reactive abuse is different from proactive abuse, which tries to gain power by controlling or hurting others. It is usually a reaction to being manipulated or mistreated for a long time.
What does reactive abuse look like? This popular TikTok video perfectly displays an example of emotional abuse, in which a person who has just been through intense emotional abuse acts out in the same way toward their perpetrator and is then blamed for being “hysterical” or “insane.”
This is what narcissists commonly do to “hurt” their victims. If you are dealing with someone who exhibits similar patterns, they may use reactive emotional abuse to make you look and feel like the perpetrator.
Overall, it’s a form and example of gaslighting that can leave those who suffered confused, guilty, and isolated.
The link between reactive abuse and narcissism
Ever watched The Devil Wears Prada? Remember how Miranda Priestly could reduce her staff to tears with just a glance? That’s a bit like dealing with a narcissist.
They have this uncanny ability to make you feel small, worthless, and utterly out of control. Your explosive reaction can look like Andy Sachs finally telling Miranda what she thinks—except in real life, it’s much messier.
Broadly speaking, narcissistic abuse refers to the manipulative and controlling actions taken by those who have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) toward those they abuse.
Mostly, people with NPD have a strong belief in their own superiority, difficulty understanding others, and a constant need to be admired. Narcissists thrive on control and maintaining a façade of superiority.
They can also employ behaviors such as gaslighting, projection, and emotional manipulation to undermine people’s self-esteem and create dependency.
It’s where they can establish a recurring pattern in which they provoke someone to the point of response. The abuser’s actions are “justified” after this response, and the story goes on.
The cycle of reactive abuse
To understand the abuse that takes place, it is important to understand how it happens. Usually, this cycle has four stages:
- Provocation: The perpetrator engages in abusive behavior, which could include emotional abuse.
- Reaction: The person who experiences such behavior eventually starts to react to the provocation, often in a manner that appears disproportionate or out of character.
- Manipulation: The perpetrator then highlights the one hurt reaction, using it as “evidence” of their instability or aggressiveness, thereby flipping the narrative.
- Justification: The perpetrator justifies their initial abusive behavior by pointing to the person’s reaction, creating a vicious cycle.
5 signs of reactive abuse with examples
Understanding and recognizing the signs of reactive abuse can be the first step toward breaking free from this cycle.
So, let’s examine more key indicators with tips on how to deal with them:
1. You feel constantly provoked and gaslighted
Feeling like your perpetrator is constantly provoking you is one of the key indicators of reactive abuse. They may engage in behaviors that are deliberately designed to upset, confuse, or anger you and then deny doing so. This tactic, known as gaslighting, can make you question your own perception of reality.
Example: Your partner repeatedly criticizes or insults you, but when you react defensively, they claim you are overreacting or imagining things. This distortion of truth keeps you trapped in a cycle of emotional turmoil, self-doubt, or even self-loathing.
How to cope:
- Keep a journal or a diary: Keep a journal of specific events and your responses. This can help you maintain clarity and validate your feelings.
- Seek Outside Perspective: Talk to trusted friends or a therapist to get an objective viewpoint on your experiences.
2. You experience intense emotional outbursts
Another sign of reactive abuse is experiencing intense emotional outbursts that feel out of character for you. Because the perpetrator may systematically erode your emotional stability, your reactions can become more volatile over time.
Example: You find yourself so emotional: screaming, crying, or even throwing objects during arguments, which is not how you typically handle conflict. These reactions are often a direct result of prolonged exposure to stress and manipulation.
How to cope:
- Identify Triggers: Recognize situations or behaviors that trigger your emotional responses and try to avoid them.
- Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that help you manage stress, such as exercise, meditation, or hobbies.
3. The abuser plays the victim card
A classic move in reactive abuse is when the abusive partner plays the “victim card.” After provoking a reaction from you, they may use your response to portray themselves as the victim and you as the aggressor.
Example: After a heated argument where you raised your voice, your perpetrator tells others about how “abusive” you are, conveniently ignoring the context of their provocation.
How to cope:
- Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries and consequences if they are crossed.
- Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with people who understand your situation and can provide emotional support.
4. You feel deep shame and guilt
People who exercise reactive abuse may also feel deep shame and guilt complex over their reactions. The abuser’s manipulation can make you believe that you are responsible for the dysfunction in the relationship.
Example: You apologize repeatedly for your outbursts, internalizing the blame even when you were provoked into reacting. This self-blame can erode your self-esteem over time.
How to cope:
- Self-Compassion: Practice self-compassion by acknowledging that your reactions are a response to prolonged abuse, not a reflection of your character.
- Therapeutic Support: Consider seeking therapy to work through feelings of shame and guilt and to rebuild your sense of self-worth.
5. Your reality feels distorted
Finally, a hallmark characteristic of reactive abuse is feeling like your reality has been distorted. The abuser’s gaslighting and manipulation can make you question your own experiences and perceptions.
Example: You start doubting your memory of events and second-guessing your feelings, leading to a constant state of confusion and self-doubt.
How to cope:
- Grounding Techniques: Use grounding techniques to stay connected to the present moment and your reality. These techniques can include mindfulness or the 333 rule.
- Educate Yourself: Learn about reactive abuse and its dynamics to better understand your experiences and validate your feelings.
The psychological impact of reactive abuse
The psychological toll of narcissistic reactive abuse cannot be overstated. Many survivors can have a variety of emotional and mental health issues, such as, but not limited to:
- Anxiety and Depression: Continuous exposure to abuse and the subsequent reactive aggression can lead to chronic anxiety and depression.
- Guilt and Shame: People may experience overwhelming guilt and shame for their aggressive reactions, even though these are provoked.
- Confusion and Self-Doubt: The manipulative tactics of the abuser can make people question their own reality and judgment.
- PTSD: Prolonged exposure to abuse and the stress of reactive aggression may result in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
A word from Breeze
In conclusion, reactive abuse is a deeply manipulative form of abuse that can leave victims feeling confused, guilty, and isolated. One of the initial steps in ending the cycle and getting your life back is learning to recognize the warning signs.
Getting over abuse is a process that calls for patience, community, and expert help. You can take steps towards a better and more empowered future by recognizing the abuse, creating a support system, and taking care of yourself.
Remember, your reactions are a response to prolonged trauma, not a reflection of who you are. You deserve to heal and live a life free from abuse!
