You feel it in your fingers, you feel it in your toes… But although love is all around us, many of us are never explicitly taught how to love someone or what love is.
Frequently, before we experience it first-hand, we learn what love means from fairytales, songs, and television, with storylines that often describe love that doesn’t look like a real one.
So, we grow up not knowing answers to questions like “How do you know if you love someone for real?”
That’s why we need to educate ourselves and others about the deep meaning of love and what it means to be in a functional, loving relationship.
The definition of love
The American Psychological Association (APA) defines love as a complex emotion that involves affection and tenderness toward your love interest and pleasurable sensations when you’re around them.
This explanation of love means you feel comfortable in the person’s presence and want them to be happy, whether it’s romantic, platonic, or parental love. Incidentally, this also applies to self-love.
This description of love is what we should feel. But love means different things to different people. So, let’s dig deeper into the understanding of love.
Healthy love explained
Social scientists have been debating over what love is for the last 40 years, coming up with theories and scales and categorizing feelings and love emotions. If this interests you, here’s a good read: “A brief history of social scientists’ attempts to measure passionate love.”
I personally don’t care much for the musings of sociology professors on the types of love. With a feeling so inexplicable and powerful, it’s easy to mistake love for something it is not.
But before we get to that, allow me to show you the traits of healthy, functional love:
- Understanding: An emotional love connection fosters a deep understanding of each other. Embracing the real you builds a foundation of acceptance.
- Respect: Treat each other as equals, value opinions, and trust your judgment.
- Support: Look out for each other, offering encouragement. Be each other’s cheerleader, celebrating successes.
- Aligned goals: Support each other in your goals and rejoice in your successes. A healthy love in a relationship thrives on shared happiness, not competition.
- Patience and kindness: Accept flaws, talk openly, and invest time and effort in nurturing the relationship.
- Loyalty and faithfulness: Remain faithful to each other. Cherish the unique connection you have and avoid the temptation to find something new elsewhere.
- Positive influence: Inspire each other to make positive changes. Encourage personal growth and bring out the best qualities in each other. Foster self-love, support, and belief in one another.
- Autonomy: An example of healthy love is two complete individuals who choose each other every day.
- Honesty and trust: Build the pillars of honesty, trust, and respect. Maintain openness and emotional intimacy to strengthen the connection.
- Nurture: Be respectful and mindful, and work as a team to ensure physical and emotional safety.
- Vulnerability: Allow vulnerability to deepen emotional intimacy. Support each other’s individuality and address conflicts openly.
So, what does it mean to love someone in a healthy way? In a nutshell, functional love is built on trust, respect, open communication, and mutual support.
It thrives on positive influence, patience, and the willingness to compromise, creating a safe and nurturing space for both individuals to flourish. Most importantly, healthy love feels physically and emotionally safe.
You can find some great love examples in TV series, like Pam and Jim from The Office or Beth and Randall from This Is Us. But my favorite pair are Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt from Parks and Recreation.
The way they support and respect each other without overshadowing each other despite working in the same field is amazing.
They positively influence one another, and each of them loves the partner’s quirks. They’re kind, they compromise, and they allow their partner to be vulnerable. And their “I like you, and I love you” wedding vows will forever live in my heart rent-free.
