Yelling has its uses, like getting someone’s attention in a crowd. Exciting situations in sports warrant shouting, too. However, you might wonder, “Why is my husband yelling at me?”
I’ll go ahead and introduce myself: I’m Rychel Johnson, a Master’s level therapist in private practice. My specialties are anxiety and depression treatment, but I see my fair share of relationship conflicts.
I’ll share my insights and approaches to husbands who yell in this article.
Is it okay when my husband screams at me? Therapist explains
Yelling in relationships can be a sign of something more profound. Think of a “check engine” light in your car. You may not know what’s wrong with the vehicle when it comes on. But after some investigation, there is a likely reason.
When a man yells at a woman, eyebrows raise. People wonder if abuse is part of the equation. Sometimes, the yelling can be pretty aggressive or scary.
Have you experienced fear, anxiety, or low self-worth? These feelings should not be experienced daily in your marriage.
In my practice, it’s not uncommon to hear, “My husband swears at me when we fight.” Hearing my therapy clients say this is disheartening. After being asked, “Why is my husband yelling?” or “Why is my husband always mad at me?” enough times, I start feeling concerned.
If dealing with yelling has taken a toll, check in with yourself. Take a Breeze test today to measure your current well-being score.
Why is my husband yelling at me? 15 reasons that may explain this behavior
There can be various reasons a husband might yell. Yelling in a relationship is generally not constructive. However, yelling at a partner is often related to underlying issues.
While these issues are usually valid, they do not indicate you are to blame. Disclaimer: these reasons do not excuse abusive behavior. If you need help, please seek support.
Typical questions may have led you to this part. Some include:
- Why does my husband yell at me all the time?
- Why is my boyfriend yelling at me?
- Why am I so sensitive when someone yells at me?
Here are 15 possible explanations for your husband’s yelling:
1. Stress
Stress is no joke. It’s common, but sometimes we forget how impactful it can be. Stress can amplify existing problems and wear you out. It can even cause your physical health to deteriorate.
Sources of stress your husband might experience include the following:
- Work
- Finances
- Relationships
- Family issues
Stress is no excuse for yelling, but is at the top of the list for a reason: it happens a lot.
2. Frustration
Your husband might be trying to release pent-up emotions. He could be overwhelmed or frustrated with a situation. The situation could be completely unrelated to you or your relationship.
Feeling frustrated over repeated issues can lead to yelling. Some people implode and get quiet when upset. However, your husband’s frustration default may be to yell.
3. Anger
You may ask, “Is he mad at me?” when your husband yells. Frankly, the anger may not be about you at all.
Are you writing off problem behavior with “My husband has anger issues”? Yelling and anger go hand in hand.
Your husband could be triggered by something specific that occurred, or maybe he feels his boundaries were crossed. It can be challenging to control emotions during heated moments.
But you ask, “Why is my husband so angry?” His behavior may seem unnecessary. The trigger that tipped him off could seem small. Anger pops up for many reasons. Sometimes, anger is a way to mask more vulnerable feelings.
4. Feeling unheard
Your husband feels that his concerns or opinions are not being heard. He might resort to yelling to make himself heard.
It’s not the most helpful solution, but it might seem necessary at the time. Your spouse may not be aware this is the cause of yelling. Feeling this way isn’t always obvious.
5. Miscommunication
Unclear communication can be incredibly frustrating. Escalating to yelling can happen when communication breaks.
Recently, one of my therapy clients shared, “My husband curses at me regularly.” It was alarming to learn this fact about their marriage. Not only was the cursing happening, it was a daily occurrence.
I learned that this client struggled to communicate boundaries in her marriage. As a result, her husband would get frustrated. Instead of discussing their concerns, her partner would curse and blow up in frustration. It was not a healthy cycle.
6. Feeling overwhelmed by everything
We’ve all felt overwhelmed. Perhaps your husband feels his responsibilities are too much. Or he feels he can’t do anything right. Maybe he struggles to ask for help or admit weakness. Instead, he vents by yelling.
Yelling at the wife serves as a form of coping. While not healthy, your husband is expressing that a problem is too much to handle.
7. Learned behavior
Did your husband grow up in a family that yelled? Many people grow up in families where yelling is completely normal.
Your husband’s usual way of resolving conflicts may be harmful. This behavior is learned from upbringing or environment.
Also, different cultural groups shape the “norm” for emotional expression. Your husband’s behavior may originate from his culture of origin. Norms or expectations around expressing emotions may be different.
8. Emotional pain or hurt
Yelling can be a reaction to feeling emotionally hurt or betrayed. Maybe your husband feels disappointed or let down. It may not have anything to do with you. Consider this possibility if your husband has had emotional pain in the past.
If your husband was abused as a child, trauma bonding may play a role. An abuse history is traumatizing and makes connecting with non-abusive people difficult.
Is childhood trauma playing a role in your relationship? Check out a Breeze test today to determine.
9. Lack of emotional regulation skills
Does it feel like your husband is having a meltdown? Does he seem to struggle to manage emotions in heated moments?
He may lack the ability to regulate his intense emotions. It’s reasonable to melt down once in a while. But repeated episodes are a problem.
Repeated or seemingly unprovoked yelling could be reactive abuse. This type of abuse seems to come out of nowhere. However, aggressive behavior can occur when the one yelling feels attacked.
An emotionally abusive husband may shift the blame to you for their yelling. Blame-shifting is one of the primary examples of gaslighting.
Gaslighting a partner may also involve telling them they’re crazy. It may also include dismissing a partner’s concerns altogether.
10. Impatience
If your husband is impatient or wants things done a certain way quickly, he might yell out of frustration.
Recently, a therapy client told me she was afraid of her husband. She was helping him with home projects. She shared, “My husband screams at me. I can’t seem to do anything right.” From then on, she tried avoiding helping with future projects to avoid more conflict.
11. Insecurity
Yelling can mask feelings of insecurity or inadequacy. Power dynamics can also be used to assert dominance or control. If someone believes they’re losing control over a situation, they may yell to regain it.
Insecurity can also apply to how we relate to loved ones. As children, we may feel an insecure connection to our parents. With anxious-preoccupied attachment, someone may have had inconsistent parenting.
Anxious-preoccupied attachment can cause issues potentially linked to yelling. Some examples of problems include:
- Emotional reactivity and intensity
- Having difficulty trusting others
- Being overly sensitive to rejection
- Fear of abandonment
Even if an insecure attachment style is present, it doesn’t make yelling okay.
12. Fatigue
Is your husband exhausted? Being physically or emotionally drained can lower stress tolerance. Yelling can be the result of extreme fatigue. It doesn’t feel fair to be yelled at, but at least you have an explanation.
Burnout from a job can lead to fatigue. Specific jobs, such as public service or medical professions, are more prone to burnout. A common feature of burnout is emotional distress and possibly yelling in relationships.
13. Unresolved issues from past conflicts
Past unresolved conflicts or resentment can build up over time. Outbursts may be a result. Past experiences can also influence current reactions. These issues can lead to communication barriers and to “Why is my husband yelling at me?”
Your husband may struggle to express feelings or needs calmly. Believe it or not, looking at the mother/father wound or “daddy issues” can offer insight.
This wound impacts a person’s ability to trust. Without the ability to trust, someone can be suspicious and on edge. Feeling this way all the time can cause yelling.
14. Defense mechanism
Yelling can be a defensive reaction. When someone feels attacked or criticized, they react. They might perceive a threat to their well-being. They might feel afraid of appearing weak.
Marriage conflict is a two-way street.
Perhaps both partners yell. In this case, a “husband yelling at wife” scenario could involve an additional perspective. A defensive husband may wonder, “Why is my wife yelling at me?”
15. It’s a habit
For some, yelling becomes a habitual response. Sadly, yelling is used as a primary way to express emotions. Even managing conflicts involves yelling when the habit is involved.
Habit change is challenging. With therapy clients, I reinforce that habits take a while to unlearn. If someone has been yelling for years, changing will take plenty of intentional time.
Why do people yell?
Yelling is usually a sign of a deeper issue. In my therapy practice, I hear a lot about relationship conflict. Marriages can be stressful even in the healthiest of circumstances.
However, there are times when conflict escalates, and yelling is the norm. It’s so normal that people forget that it’s a problem. They’re desensitized to the yelling until someone points it out.
Yelling victims often wonder why they’re treated that way. They may wonder if they are to blame for the yelling.
So, why do people yell? There are many reasons. Like an iceberg, we can only see the tip of the issue. Underneath the surface, a lot could be going on.
What to do if my husband yells at me?
If you’re thinking, “My husband keeps yelling at me,” you aren’t alone. Sadly, yelling happens in many relationships.
Screaming or yelling often escalates conflicts, damages trust, and can be a form of emotional abuse.
If your husband yells, here are some steps you can take:
- First, ensure you’re safe.
- If so, try to establish boundaries with your partner. Speak calmly and let him know you aren’t okay with yelling.
- You can state simply that you will talk when he can speak calmly. Talking to someone who is yelling is often pointless—waiting is crucial.
- Focus on healthy communication in your relationship. Healthy communication involves expressing feelings calmly. It involves sharing concerns constructively.
- If help is needed to communicate with your husband, seeking therapy can help. Expressing your concerns in therapy can help you gain perspective. A therapist can also help you determine how to handle the yelling.
Learning to “just deal with yelling” isn’t fair to you. Ideally, your husband will address the roots of his behavior. Marriages are hard work, but they can be peaceful with the effort of both partners.
