Have you ever noticed a pattern you couldn’t pinpoint in your social life? Maybe your romantic relationships have all ended in a similar way. Or perhaps you’ve noticed feeling insecure and unable to connect in a healthy, consistent manner.
If these things sound familiar, disorganized attachment may be an obstacle in your life.
Disorganized attachment, also called fearful avoidant attachment style, involves a clear desire for closeness and an intense fear of getting hurt. Insecure by nature, this attachment is characterized by hard-to-predict behaviors and confusion.
Ring the bell? Keep reading, and this attachment style will become clearer!
What is a disorganized attachment style?
How we relate to others is engrained in our personalities, but only with some influence from our life experiences. Multiple factors, including trauma history and emotional intelligence, influence how we attach to our loved ones.
One significant factor at play in relationships is attachment style, specifically disorganized attachment, aka anxious-avoidant attachment style.
No, we’re not talking about the lose-your-keys type of disorganization. As if relationships weren’t already complicated, this attachment style involves an overwhelming sense of insecurity and worry.
In a nutshell, a disorganized attachment style in adults features contradictory behaviors and responses to caregivers and other attachment figures.
For example, in one minute, you may be pressing for closeness, and then you may seek distance. This back-and-forth may seem chaotic, but usually, no harm is intended.
Quite importantly, these anxious and avoidant behaviors associated with this style typically stem from inconsistent or abusive caregiving experiences in childhood.
The confusion lies in the fact that the caregiver, who ideally should be a source of safety for a child, is both a source of comfort and a source of fear.
Are you feeling ready to improve your emotional intelligence to address attachment patterns?
4 signs of disorganized (anxious-avoidant) attachment style
Do you or a loved one have a disorganized attachment style? Check out some of the signs connected with an anxious-avoidant attachment style, which shows up differently for each person.
A wide range of signs can vary depending on the context and severity of the attachment difficulties.
1. Fear of intimacy and vulnerability
The first most noticeable sign that a person with disorganized attachment might show is how they go back and forth between wanting to be close to others and pushing them away.
They desire intimacy but fear getting hurt or rejected, leading to a pattern of ambivalence and inconsistency in their relationships.
This push-and-pull pattern can confuse everyone involved and is a sign of self-sabotage.
Typically, people with disorganized attachments may find it hard to make stable, secure relationships because their behavior and emotions can be difficult to predict.
They may have a deep-seated fear of intimacy and vulnerability, making it challenging for them to trust others or feel safe in close relationships.
2. Challenges in emotional regulation
Next, people with disorganized attachment may have difficulty managing their emotions, leading to intense mood swings, outbursts of anger, or feelings of numbness and detachment.
Also called emotional dysregulation, a disorganized attachment style can look like anger management issues to other people.
If you experience fearful-avoidant (disorganized) attachment, you may feel overwhelmed and confused, or disoriented in relationships. This can result in feeling unsure of how to respond or behave consistently.
3. Struggles with self-esteem and self-worth
A negative self-image can show up with disorganized attachment. Feelings of worthlessness or inadequacy are also a likely theme.
These difficult feelings are often rooted in childhood experiences, where connecting with caregivers was not consistent. The person may doubt their value and have difficulty accepting love and support from others.
4. Running away from confrontation
There is a strong tendency for people with disorganized attachment to avoid conflict. They may go to great lengths to avoid confrontation, fearing that it will lead to rejection or abandonment.
Avoiding conflict may provide temporary relief, but it can also create long-term problems. This avoidance can result in suppressing emotions and concerns, leading to unresolved issues within relationships.
What causes disorganized attachment?
Unaddressed issues can fester and lead to resentment and hate from partners, ultimately damaging the relationship.
The most common reason for anxious-avoidant attachment is caregiving that is not consistent or organized. Disorganized attachment also often arises from experiences of trauma or neglect in childhood.
In this situation, the child sometimes sees the parent as a source of comfort and sometimes as a source of fear. Sometimes it may even make the child think, “I hate my family”.
The rollercoaster of comfort vs. fear is confusing and unpredictable for the child.
Some specific causes of disorganized attachment include:
- Frightening behavior demonstrated by parents, such as inconsistent responses to the child’s needs and erratic behavior
- Witnessing domestic violence in the home, either between parents or among siblings
- Caregivers with untreated mental health issues (e.g., severe depression, bipolar disorder, or psychosis) might behave in ways that are confusing or frightening
- Parental substance abuse can lead to childhood emotional neglect or erratic caregiving
- Parents who have not resolved their own traumatic experiences or losses may inadvertently transmit their unresolved feelings to their children. It’s impacting their ability to provide a secure environment at home
- Frequent changes in primary caregivers, such as through foster care placements or institutional settings, can disrupt the formation of a secure attachment
What trauma causes disorganized attachment?
Disorganized attachment is often linked to a specific and isolated traumatic event or ongoing significant trauma that occurs during early childhood. This trauma typically involves a caregiver, leading to a stressful environment for the child.
Types of trauma rarely occur in isolation; a child exposed to domestic violence in the home may also experience physical neglect.
Each situation is unique, but they have a traumatic element in common that shapes the way the child bonds (or isn’t able to bond) with their caregivers.
Common types of attachment trauma are linked to the cause of disorganized attachment and how they can have an impact:
- Physical Abuse: The caregiver, who should be a source of safety, becomes a source of fear and pain
- Sexual Abuse: The child struggles to reconcile the abuser’s role as both caregiver and threat
- Emotional Abuse: Persistent humiliation, criticism, and manipulation by caregivers can cause severe distress and confusion for the child
- Physical Neglect: Lack of basic necessities like food, shelter, and medical care can cause children to feel abandoned and fearful, also called abandonment trauma
- Sudden Loss: The death or abandonment by a primary caregiver creates a sense of chaos and insecurity
- Frequent Separations: A caregiver’s hospitalization, incarceration, or frequent moves can disrupt the development of a secure attachment
Has childhood trauma impacted you?
Disorganized attachment style in relationships
Anxious-avoidant attachment, also known as fearful avoidant attachment style or anxious attachment, can significantly impact romantic relationships.
There are a number of ways anxious-avoidant attachment style shows up in adult romantic relationships. You may have an anxious-avoidant attachment relationship if the following variables are part of your experience:
1. Fear of Intimacy and Rejection
Individuals with a fearful-avoidant attachment style desire closeness and intimacy but simultaneously fear it, indicating a pattern of ambivalence. They might create emotional unavailability or distance to protect themselves from potential hurt, avoiding deep connections even when they crave intimacy.
2. Inconsistent behavior
They also often exhibit “hot and cold” behavior, sometimes seeking closeness and, at other times, withdrawing abruptly. Due to the unpredictable nature of the anxious-avoidant person’s actions, their partners may feel unsure of where they stand in the relationship.
3. Trust issues
A deep-rooted mistrust of others makes it hard for them to believe in their partner’s reliability and love fully. The person also might exhibit jealousy or paranoia, fearing betrayal or abandonment without substantial evidence.
4. Communication challenges
Anxious-avoidant people may struggle to openly communicate their needs and feelings, leading to misunderstandings and unresolved conflicts. They might avoid discussing relationship issues altogether by “sweeping it under the rug.”
5. Emotional turmoil
The anxious-avoidant partner often experiences high levels of anxiety about their relationships, worrying excessively about their partner’s feelings and intentions. This fearfulness can lead them to sabotage their relationships, either consciously or unconsciously, as a way to avoid potential pain.
6. Dependency and independence struggles
There is a dynamic of alternating between extreme dependency and extreme independence, causing a push-pull dynamic in the relationship. Despite needing their partner, they may resist becoming too dependent out of fear of being let down.
How to heal disorganized attachment?
For people and couples dealing with anxious-avoidant attachment dynamics, there are strategies that can help.
Disorganized attachment in relationships is not a new concept–many therapeutic resources are out there to teach you how to acknowledge attachment styles and how to love someone with disorganized attachment.
Although it’s typically rooted in childhood, disorganized attachment in adults is prevalent because it’s frankly hard to identify.
People live their lives for years before noticing patterns in how they relate to their loved ones.
Also, people in romantic relationships can create a more secure and fulfilling relationship by addressing the underlying attachment issues and working together.
The first step how to fix disorganized attachment is developing self-awareness, which you’ve already been doing by choosing to learn about disorganized attachment (good for you!).
Through journaling and mindfulness practices, you can continue to develop a stronger sense of self-awareness, which can lead to building healthy relationships.
Pursuing secure attachment styles is not something you need to do alone. Consistent effort in setting boundaries and professional guidance is key to healing and developing more secure attachment styles.
Cultivating self-compassion despite the challenges of disorganized attachment is possible!
FAQ
What is attachment theory?
Simply put, attachment theory is a well-known psychological explanation for how we attach and form bonds with people. John Bowlby created the theory, and Mary Ainsworth and other psychologists developed it further.
This idea argues that early interactions with caregivers shape an individual’s main beliefs and expectations about relationships throughout their lives.
What are some examples of a disorganized attachment style?
Disorganized attachment is a term to describe an attachment style often characterized by inconsistent behaviors in relationships. People with this style may exhibit:
- Fear and Anxiety in Relationships: They may feel intense anxiety about being too close or too far away from others.
- Difficulty Trusting Others: Trust issues may arise, leading to unpredictable emotional responses.
- Contradictory Behavior: For example, they might express a need for closeness but also push others away or act out when they get it.
- Heightened Emotional Responses: Strong emotional reactions that seem out of proportion to the situation.
- Unresolved Trauma or Loss: Past unresolved issues and emotional baggage often influence current behaviors and attitudes.
Can my attachment style, like the disorganized attachment, change over time?
Research suggests that attachment styles can evolve over time and are influenced by experiences and relationships. You may even display different attachment styles in different relationships or situations.
“So, a disorganized attachment style is not a fixed personality trait but rather a pattern of relating to others that can be addressed and modified with therapy and support.” – explains Rychel Johnson, M.S., LCPC.
What are other types of attachment styles except disorganized attachment?
Attachment theory outlines four main attachment styles:
- Secure Attachment Style: Arguably, it is the healthiest attachment style, and people with this style are comfortable with intimacy and independence. They trust their caregivers and can generally able to form balanced relationships as adults.
- Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style: An insecure form of attachment, people who are anxiously attached often fear abandonment and may be overly dependent on their partners. They tend to seek constant reassurance and may worry excessively about their relationships. They may have a tendency to be overly clingy or needy in their relationships, frequently fawning and asking their partner if “everything is okay.”
- Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style: People with this insecure attachment style tend to avoid intimacy and may prioritize independence to an extreme degree. They may suppress their emotions and may have difficulty forming close relationships. They may also have a fear of being hurt or rejected.
Why does everyone start to be curious about attachment style?
Pop culture and social media have increased our exposure to attachment styles, that’s for sure.
