Disorganized Attachment: How and Why Relationships Feel Confusing

How we relate to others is ingrained in our personalities, but only with some influence from our life experiences. Multiple factors, including trauma history and emotional intelligence, influence how we attach to our loved ones. One significant factor at play in relationships is attachment style, specifically disorganized attachment, aka anxious-avoidant attachment style. 

No, we’re not talking about the lose-your-keys type of disorganization. A disorganized attachment style not only complicates relationships but also instills an overwhelming sense of insecurity and worry. 

Have you ever noticed a pattern you couldn’t pinpoint in your social life? Maybe your romantic relationships have all ended in a similar way. Or perhaps you’ve noticed feeling insecure and unable to have emotional intimacy in a consistent manner. If these things sound familiar, disorganized attachment may be an obstacle in your life.

Has childhood trauma impacted you and your attachment system? 

What is a Disorganized Attachment Style? 

Disorganized attachment, also called fearful avoidant attachment style, involves a clear desire for closeness and an intense fear of getting hurt. Insecure by nature, hard-to-predict behaviors and confusion characterize this attachment, which is listed under insecure attachment patterns. 

A disorganized attachment style in adults features contradictory behaviors and responses to caregivers and other attachment figures. For example, in one minute, you may be pressing for closeness, and then you may seek distance. This continual back-and-forth may seem chaotic, but usually, no harm is intended. 

Quite importantly, these anxious and avoidant behaviors associated with this style typically stem from extremely inconsistent or abusive caregiving experiences in childhood. The confusion lies in the fact that the caregiver, who ideally should be a source of safety for a child, is both a source of comfort and a source of fear.

A study by Sheri Madigan and others in 2023, published in Psychological Bulletin, looked at data from 285 studies with more than 20,000 infant-parent pairs. The results showed that about 23.5% of those babies developed a disorganized attachment style. [1]

Attachment theory divides attachment into two categories: secure and insecure. The secure attachment style is arguably the healthiest, and people with this style are comfortable with intimacy and can be in healthy relationships. They trust their caregivers and are generally able to form balanced relationships as adults. 

Another insecure attachment style that differs from disorganized attachment:

• Anxious Attachment Style: An insecure form of attachment, people who are anxiously attached often fear abandonment and may be overly dependent on their partners. They tend to seek constant reassurance and may worry excessively about their relationships. They may have a tendency to be overly clingy or needy in their relationships, frequently fawning and asking their partner if “everything is okay.”
• Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style: People with this attachment style tend to avoid intimacy and may prioritize independence to an extreme degree. They suppress their emotions and may have difficulty forming close relationships. They may also have a fear of being hurt or rejected. 

How Does a Disorganized Attachment Style Develop?

The most common reason for a disorganized attachment style is caregiving that is not consistent or organized. Disorganized attachment also arises from experiences of trauma or neglect in childhood. 

In this situation, the child sometimes sees the parent as a source of comfort and sometimes as a source of fear. The rollercoaster of comfort vs. fear is confusing and unpredictable for the child.

Some specific causes of developing disorganized attachment include:

• Frightening behavior demonstrated by parents, such as inconsistent responses to the child’s needs and erratic behavior
• Witnessing domestic violence in the home, either between parents or among siblings
• Caregivers with untreated mental health issues (e.g., severe depression, bipolar disorder, or psychosis) might behave in ways that are confusing or frightening 
• Parental substance abuse can lead to childhood emotional neglect or erratic caregiving
• Parents who have not resolved their own traumatic experiences or losses may inadvertently transmit their unresolved feelings to their children. It’s impacting their ability to provide a secure environment at home
• Frequent changes in primary caregivers, such as through foster care placements or institutional settings, can disrupt the formation of a healthy attachment.

What trauma causes a disorganized attachment style?

Disorganized attachment is linked to a specific and isolated traumatic event or ongoing significant trauma that occurs during early childhood, according to research. [2] This trauma typically involves a caregiver, leading to a stressful environment for the child. 

Types of trauma rarely occur in isolation; a child exposed to domestic violence in the home may also experience physical neglect. Each situation is unique, but they have a traumatic element in common that shapes the way the child bonds (or isn’t able to bond) with their caregivers. 

Common types of attachment trauma are linked to the cause of disorganized attachment style and how they can have an impact:

• Physical Abuse: The caregiver, who should be a source of safety, becomes a source of fear and pain
• Sexual Abuse: The child struggles to reconcile the abuser’s role as both caregiver and threat
• Emotional Abuse: Persistent humiliation, criticism, and manipulation, all forms of emotional abuse by caregivers can cause severe distress and confusion for the child
• Physical Neglect: Lack of basic necessities like food, shelter, and medical care can cause children to feel abandoned and fearful, also called abandonment trauma
• Sudden Loss: The death or abandonment by a primary caregiver creates a sense of chaos and insecurity
• Frequent Separations: A caregiver’s hospitalization, incarceration, or frequent moves can disrupt the development of a healthy attachment figure.

However, research suggests that attachment styles can evolve over time and are influenced by experiences and relationships. You may even display different attachment styles in different relationships or situations. [4]

So, a disorganized attachment style is not a fixed personality trait but rather a pattern of relating to others that can be addressed and modified with therapy and support, explains Rychel Johnson, M.S., LCPC.

4 Signs of Disorganized (Anxious-Avoidant) Attachment Style

Do you or a loved one have a disorganized attachment style? Check out some of the signs connected with an anxious-avoidant attachment style, which shows up differently for each person. 

1. Strong fear of intimacy and vulnerability

The first and most noticeable sign of someone with a disorganized attachment style is their oscillation between wanting to be close to others and pushing them away. They desire intimacy but fear getting hurt or rejected, leading to a pattern of ambivalence and inconsistency in their relationships. 

This push-and-pull pattern can confuse everyone involved and is a sign of self-sabotage. Typically, people with disorganized attachments may find it hard to make stable, secure relationships because their behavior and emotions can be difficult to predict.

They may have a deep-seated fear of intimacy and vulnerability, making it challenging for them to trust others or feel safe in close relationships.

2. Difficulty regulating emotions

Next, people with disorganized attachment may have difficulty managing their emotions, leading to intense mood swings, outbursts of anger, or feelings of numbness and detachment. Also called emotional dysregulation, a disorganized attachment style can look like anger management issues to other people.

If you experience fearful-avoidant (disorganized) attachment, you may feel overwhelmed and confused or disoriented in relationships.

3. Low self-esteem and self-worth

A negative view of themselves can show up with disorganized attachment. Feelings of worthlessness or inadequacy are also a likely theme. These difficult feelings are rooted in childhood experiences, where connecting with caregivers was not consistent. The person may doubt their value and have difficulty accepting love and support from others.

4. Running away from confrontation

There is a strong tendency for people with a disorganized attachment style to avoid conflict. They may go to great lengths to avoid confrontation, fearing that it will lead to rejection or abandonment.

Avoiding conflict may provide temporary relief, but it can also create long-term problems. This avoidance can result in suppressing emotions and concerns, leading to unresolved issues within relationships and health issues, as 2024 research states [3]. Unaddressed issues can fester and lead to resentment and hate from partners, ultimately damaging the relationship.

Disorganized Attachment Style in Relationships

Anxious-avoidant attachment, also known as fearful avoidant attachment style or disorganized attachment, can significantly impact romantic relationships. You may have an anxious-avoidant attachment relationship if the following variables are part of your experience:1. Fear

1. Fear of Intimacy and Rejection

Individuals with a fearful-avoidant attachment style desire closeness and intimacy but simultaneously feel fear of it, indicating a pattern of ambivalence. They might create emotional unavailability or distance to protect themselves from potential hurt, avoiding deep connections even when they crave intimacy.

2. Inconsistent Behavior

They also can exhibit “hot and cold” behavior, sometimes seeking closeness and, at other times, withdrawing abruptly. Due to the unpredictable nature of the anxious-avoidant person’s actions and intense emotions, their partners may feel unsure of where they stand in the relationship.

3. Trust Issues

A deep-rooted mistrust of others makes it hard for them to believe in their partner’s reliability and love fully. The person also might exhibit jealousy or paranoia, fearing betrayal or abandonment without substantial evidence.

4. Communication Challenges

In disorganized attachment relationships, individuals may struggle to openly communicate their needs and feelings, leading to misunderstandings and unresolved conflicts. They may choose to completely avoid discussing relationship issues by ignoring them.

5. Mood Changes

The partner with disorganized attachment experiences high levels of anxiety about their relationships, worrying excessively about their partner’s feelings and intentions. This fearfulness can lead them to sabotage their relationships, either consciously or unconsciously, as a way to avoid potential pain.

6. Dependency and Independence Struggles

This attachment creates dynamics of alternating between extreme dependency and extreme independence, causing a push-pull dynamic in the relationship. Despite needing their partner, they may resist becoming too dependent out of fear of being let down.

How to Heal a Disorganized Attachment?

For people and couples dealing with disorganized attachment dynamics, there are strategies that can help. 

Step 1

The first step in how to fix disorganized attachment is developing self-awareness, which you’ve already been doing by choosing to learn about disorganized attachment. 

Breeze has personalized quizzes, such as the narcissist test, love language test, and emotional availability quiz, that help users see patterns they might not be aware of. The app also includes gentle journaling prompts and daily check-ins to help users slow down, identify their emotions, and track what makes them feel down.

Try Breeze

Step 2

Disorganized attachment often leads to negative self-talk, which can project onto your partner. To heal, counter these thoughts with compassion. Practice self-care, such as taking care of your physical and emotional well-being. For example, do small acts of kindness every day, pay attention to your strengths, and be kind to others. These habits can make your day better, boost your self-esteem and self-worth, and help you see and appreciate your strengths. 

Step 3

Once you identify the patterns that cause you anxiety when communicating with others, explaining your feelings to loved ones may be reasonable. If you have trusting relationships, talk with your partner, close friends, or relatives. 

You may need to communicate that you feel worried when they reply for too long, get irritated, or become too withdrawn. Your loved ones can also express their feelings, and together, you can limit attachment triggers.

Step 4

Pursuing secure attachment styles is not something you need to do alone. Consistent effort in setting boundaries and professional guidance are key to healing and developing more secure attachment styles. Therapy can help here. 

Attachment-focused therapy can assist you in addressing some of the subconscious, lingering issues from your childhood that are still interfering with your ability to form meaningful and healthy relationships. [5]

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
• Dialectical behavior therapy
• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
• Somatic Experiencing or Sensorimotor Psychotherapy
• Internal Family Systems (IFS)

How to Love Someone With Disorganized Attachment? Real Story Overview and Tips From the Mental Health Expert

People live their lives for years before noticing patterns in how they relate to their loved ones. Here is an example of a partner’s disorganized attachment from a Reddit thread.

The post illustrates a typical dynamic in close relationships: the desire for emotional closeness clashes with fear of intimacy. Though not specifically stated, there are undercurrents of emotional risk and self-sacrifice that, if ignored, could result in long-term emotional distress.

It effectively conveys the complexity of loving someone who might not be able or willing to fully reciprocate in the end.

Working together to address disorganized attachment can help people in romantic relationships build a stronger and more fulfilling relationship.

1. Always be consistent in your words and behaviors. Regularly communicating to your partner how important they are to you and that you are there for them can help them feel more secure and supported in the relationship.
2. Respect their need for space. They may withdraw or become overwhelmed by intimacy; giving them space without punishing or chasing can help them overcome their fear of being engulfed.
3. Do not interpret emotional distancing personally. Their push-pull behavior is usually motivated by fear rather than a sense of your worth or how much they care.
4. Make sure your healthy boundaries and needs are clear. Be honest about what you need to feel safe and fulfilled, without pressuring them to change or commit before they’re ready.
5. Don’t try to “fix” or rescue them. You can be supportive, but you can’t be their therapist.
6. Maintain your self-worth. Loving someone who is inconsistent can be stressful; continue to look after your own well-being through journaling, therapy, or spending time with trustworthy friends.
7. Consider couples’ or individual therapy. Mental health professionals trained in trauma approaches can help both partners navigate their attachment patterns and develop more secure coping strategies.

FAQ

What is attachment theory?

Attachment theory is a well-known psychological explanation for how we attach and form bonds with people. John Bowlby created the theory of four attachment styles, and Mary Ainsworth and other psychologists developed it further. This idea argues that early interactions with caregivers shape an individual’s main beliefs and expectations about relationships throughout their lives. 

What are some examples of a disorganized attachment style?

Disorganized attachment is a term that describes an attachment style characterized by inconsistent behaviors in relationships. People with this style may exhibit:

• Fear and Anxiety in Relationships: They may feel intense anxiety about being too close or too far away from others.
• Difficulty Trusting Others: Trust issues may arise, leading to unpredictable emotional responses.
• Contradictory Behavior: For example, they might express a need for closeness but also push others away or act out when they get it.
• Heightened Emotional Responses: Strong emotional reactions that seem out of proportion to the situation.
• Unresolved Trauma or Loss: Past unresolved issues and emotional baggage often influence current behaviors and attitudes.

Why does everyone start to be curious about attachment style?

Pop culture and social media have increased our exposure to attachment styles and disorganized attachment, that’s for sure.

Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor Rychel Johnson adds, As a therapist, I’ve opened my Instagram numerous times to the ‘search’ page, landing on several graphics about attachment in the context of relationships. They’ve become part of our lexicon in the world of mental health and personal growth. My therapy clients tend to arrive at their intake with an idea of their attachment style and its origin.

Sources:

1. Madigan, S., Fearon, R. M. P., van IJzendoorn, M. H., Duschinsky, R., Schuengel, C., Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J., Ly, A., Cooke, J. E., Deneault, A.-A., Oosterman, M., & Verhage, M. L. (2023). The first 20,000 strange situation procedures: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin.
2. L. Alan Sroufe, Brianna Coffino, Elizabeth A. Carlson, Conceptualizing the role of early experience: Lessons from the Minnesota longitudinal study. Developmental Review, 2010. 
3. Tyra AT, Fergus TA, Ginty AT. Emotion suppression and acute physiological responses to stress in healthy populations: a quantitative review of experimental and correlational investigations. Health Psychol Rev. 2024
4. Fraley RC, Gillath O, Deboeck PR. Do life events lead to enduring changes in adult attachment styles? A naturalistic longitudinal investigation. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2021
5. Herres, J., Krauthamer Ewing, E. S., Levy, S., Creed, T. A., & Diamond, G. S. (2023). Combining attachment-based family therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy to improve outcomes for adolescents with anxiety. Frontiers in psychiatry.