Feeling anxious or uneasy when you are not with your loved ones? Ever found yourself spiraling after a text left on read for hours?
The answer might lie in understanding a concept called emotional permanence.
In this blog post, we’ll explore what emotional permanence is, why it matters, and how it can significantly impact your emotional well-being and relationships.
What is emotional permanence?
At its core, emotional permanence is the ability to hold onto positive feelings and memories from relationships even when you’re not directly interacting with the person.
For example, knowing that you still love someone, even when you’re angry or upset with them.
Why should it matter? It’s a fundamental aspect of emotional intelligence that allows us to maintain healthy relationships and self-awareness.
Without it, you’re likely to feel insecure and anxious whenever you’re not receiving constant reassurance from the people around you. It can make friendships and romantic relationships a real challenge.
How does emotional permanence develop?
This ability typically develops in early childhood as part of cognitive growth. Children learn that their caregivers’ love and care persist even when they are not physically present. This foundational understanding forms the basis for secure attachments and healthy emotional regulation throughout life.
Emotional permanence vs. object permanence
Infants learn object permanence around 8 months old. They realize that just because they can’t see their toy, it doesn’t mean it’s disappeared forever.
Emotional permanence is the grown-up version of this. However, some adults struggle to believe in the continuity of relationships and feelings, especially during moments of absence or silence.
Both are crucial for mental and emotional stability, but emotional permanence specifically helps us maintain steady relationships and self-worth.
What is emotional impermanence?
For some, it is easy to believe and understand that people love us even when they are not with us. For others, that idea can be hard to grasp.
These people might lack the permanence of an emotional object. But what does that mean?
You can never be sure of other people’s feelings for you due to your lack of emotional permanence. Furthermore, you may not believe them even if they do tell you.
In the long term, lacking emotional permanence can lead to a range of emotional issues, from anxiety to unstable relationships.
When we don’t trust that our feelings or the feelings of others will remain consistent, it’s challenging to build long-lasting bonds or maintain a stable sense of self.
4 signs you might lack emotional permanence
1. Constant Need for Reassurance
If you find yourself frequently asking people if they’re mad at you or if they still care about you, this could be a sign. It’s like needing a GPS to remind you that you’re still on the right road, even though there haven’t been any turns.
2. Overthinking and Anxiety
Do you often spiral into worst-case scenarios when someone doesn’t reply to your text right away? Overthinking every little detail and feeling anxious about it can be another sign of emotional impermanence.
3. Difficulty Maintaining Relationships
Struggling to keep friendships or romantic relationships steady? Emotional permanence issues can cause you to misinterpret situations and strain your connections with others.
4. Frequent Mood Swings
One of the most telling signs is experiencing frequent mood swings. If you find your emotions shifting rapidly without clear triggers, it may be due to a lack of emotional permanence. This instability can make it hard to feel secure in your relationships and personal well-being.
Causes of emotional permanence issues
The Role of Childhood Experiences
Our early childhood experiences significantly shape our emotional development. You might struggle with emotional permanence if you grew up in an environment where emotions were not validated or acknowledged and you played one of the roles of a dysfunctional family.
For example, children lacking consistent emotional support may have difficulty understanding and managing their feelings.
Additionally, traumatic events can disrupt your ability to process and retain emotions, making it difficult to achieve emotional permanence.
So yes, experiencing childhood trauma or emotional neglect can greatly impact your emotional development.
Impact of Attachment Styles
Attachment theory suggests that the type of bond you formed with your primary caregivers can influence your emotional stability.
Four types of attachment styles have been described: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant.
Those with insecure attachment styles, such as anxious preoocupied or fearful-avoidant attachment, are more likely to experience emotional permanence issues. Understanding your attachment style can provide valuable insights into your emotional patterns and how to address them.
Emotional Permanence and BPD
Some people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) may have trouble with emotional object permanence, which means they may find it hard to keep emotional connections with things or people who are not in the same room with them. Typically, people with BPD have an intense fear of being abandoned, relationships that are not stable, and mood shifts.
The Brain’s Role in Emotional Permanence
The brain plays a vital role in how we process and retain emotions. Neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine are essential for mood regulation. Imbalances in these chemicals can contribute to emotional instability.
Emotional permanence in ADHD
Some people with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) may not be able to fully remember or hold on to an emotion they had in the past. This makes it harder for them to hold on to good feelings or let go of bad ones. ADHD might be a reason for their mood swings and unstable emotions.
How emotional impermanence affects us
Imagine a scenario where every time your partner leaves the room, you feel as though they’ve vanished from your life. Sounds exhausting, right?
That’s what permanence can feel like, living without an emotional object permanence. This lack can lead to feelings of abandonment, insecurity, and anxiety, significantly affecting one’s quality of life.
Here are some ways it can affect our lives:
- The Psychological Impact: Frequent emotional changes can lead to anxiety, stress, and even depression. When emotions are unpredictable, planning or anticipating future feelings becomes difficult, leading to a sense of instability.
- Effects on Relationships: For those lacking emotional permanence, maintaining stable relationships can be challenging. Both you and your partner can become emotionally exhausted. The constant need for validation can drain your emotional energy and hinder the natural flow of the relationship.
- Work and Productivity: Without emotional object permanence, you might misinterpret a silent phone as a signal of disinterest rather than a busy day at work. It can result in no unnecessary conflicts or misunderstandings. Also, mood fluctuations caused by a lack of emotional permanence can hinder concentration, reduce productivity, and make engaging with colleagues or clients difficult.
Next steps
Understanding and addressing the lack of emotional object permanence is essential for maintaining healthy relationships and emotional well-being.
If you’re ready to take the next step in managing emotional object permanence, Discover your EQ score with a quick Breeze test and unlock your full potential!
