Emotionally Immature Parents

Does your parent often yell or cry over small things and not be able to control their feelings? Do they change their moods often, going from loving to angry to not caring to none of these? All these can be examples of the behavior of emotionally immature parents (EIP).

Individuals who are emotionally immature are unable or unwilling to handle or control their feelings in healthy ways. It can also happen in parent-child dynamics, where caregivers won’t be good parents to their children.

Why does it matter if you have already grown up? Understanding the effects of emotionally immature parents and learning to cope with them can help adult children and adults break free from destructive patterns and build healthy relationships.

What effects did having parents who were not emotionally mature have on your life? Take an insightful test to identify lingering effects and take the first step toward breaking the cycle.

What are Emotionally Immature Parents?

An emotionally immature parent is someone who has not developed the emotional capacity to manage their feelings, reactions, and relationships in a healthy and balanced way. They tend to have difficulty regulating emotions and understanding other people’s feelings, and their emotional responses are not appropriate to stressful or emotional situations.

Instability in emotional reactions, self-centeredness, and inconsistency in behavior are all signs of immature parents who put their own emotional needs ahead of those of their children. [1] Another example of parents who are not emotionally mature is when they find it challenging to do basic things like teaching their kids how to control their emotions, setting limits, or offering emotional support. 

This term became popular due to Lindsay Gibson, PsyD’s New York Times bestseller “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents.” Gibson wrote that growing up with emotionally immature parents can affect children’s mental health and prevent them from building healthy relationships as adults.

What Causes Emotional Immaturity in Parents?

Three main areas of maturity that are important for becoming a parent have been studied. One of them is emotional maturity. [2] Unfortunately, not all parents develop this skill. 

Parents who are emotionally immature typically inherit this from their own parents, where there was a place of rejection, early emotional neglect/abuse, or narcissistic or attachment trauma. 

The latest research says that emotional abuse or being neglected as children can lead to emotional immaturity. [3] Then, emotionally immature parents tend to act the same way toward their children, causing intergenerational trauma. [4] 

5 Signs of Emotionally Immature Parents

Emotionally immature parents can express themselves in many different ways, but here are some similar behavioral patterns:

1. They behave unpredictably or are overreactive 

Emotionally immature parents can have outbursts, mood swings, and erratic responses to stress. They might have difficulty managing their emotions, allowing their anger, sadness, or frustration to spill over uncontrollably. Suddenly, they could be nice one minute and mad or upset about a minor thing the next.

Therefore, kids of such parents may find it hard to understand what their parents expect of them, leading to confusion and a lack of basic safety. This negative experience, in turn, might lead to lost child syndrome. The lost inner child test can help you identify if it applies to you.

2. They create drama and get offended easily

Emotionally immature parents may also create chaos by shouting, crying excessively, exaggerating issues, or expressing dramatic emotional reactions to minor inconveniences. For example, a child might say they don’t want to watch a movie with their parents. EIP might react by getting offended, crying, keeping silent, or ignoring the youngster as a form of punishment and emotional tactic. 

Due to their emotional unavailability, immature parents often lack the skills to handle conflict appropriately. That’s why, rather than discussing their own issues calmly and finding solutions, they may yell, blame, or withdraw from the conversation entirely. 

Also, they might hold grudges or refuse to forgive, which would keep problems from being solved for a long time and make the child self-doubt themselves, feel guilty all the time, and beg for forgiveness even if it’s not their fault.

3. They act selfishly

Other signs of emotionally immature parents are when they focus only on their own emotions, desires, and problems. They can downplay problems or ignore how their child is feeling, instead showing a lack of empathy. Others may feel jealous or worried that no one is paying attention to their child, which makes the child want to be alone. Some of them may even try to get kids to turn against their partners or friends so they can keep needing them emotionally.

What’s in common is that emotionally immature parents might not be able to offer emotional support and expect their kids to meet those emotional needs. Consequently, these children feel alone and unsupported and are more likely to develop low self-esteem and adult child syndrome later in life. 

4. They don’t respect boundaries

One of the most prevalent characteristics of emotional immaturity in parents is the violation of physical and emotional boundaries. For example, they may violate their child’s privacy, induce feelings of guilt associated with their own feelings or needs, or behave as though they are unable to adhere to the same regulations as others.

5. They project their insecurities, fears, or flaws onto their children

Projection is a psychological defense mechanism where a person attributes their undesirable thoughts, feelings, or behaviors to someone else, in this case, the child. Because emotionally immature parents lack self-awareness or the emotional tools to deal with their own issues, they may project their internal struggles onto their children, creating confusion, guilt, and shame.

For example, a parent who feels more anxiety or insecure about their career success can project that insecurity onto their child by accusing them of being unmotivated, saying, “You’re too lazy!” even if the child is working hard. Similarly, a parent who feels guilty or ashamed might call their kid selfish or ungrateful when the kid is just stating their own needs. 

4 Types of Emotionally Immature Parents

According to Lindsay Gibson, there are four types of emotionally immature parents [5]:

1. The emotional parent

This parent’s behavior may be more similar to that of a child rather than an adult. Overly emotional parents can demand attention and care from their children and become excessively dependent on them for emotional support. While family members can be very loving at times, their emotional instability makes children feel like they cannot adjust to their parents’ constantly fluctuating emotional states. 

2. The driven parent

This type of emotionally immature parenting pushes their children relentlessly to achieve at high levels, with little regard for the child’s own desires, interests, or feelings. They value success in their career, social standing, or material wealth more than a close relationship with their children.

Driven parents are narcissistic parents in that they may see their child’s accomplishments as proof of their own worth and use them to boost their own self-esteem or public image.

3. The passive parent

The passive parents are emotionally disengaged and tend to avoid confrontation or difficult emotions, suppressing their feelings. They also do not make rules or set clear limits. 

As an example, John’s dad is emotionally immature and passive about his child’s life. Rather than telling John, “I am on your side; I will help you,” their father tells John to “Do what you want” or “Figure it out yourself” whenever John gets into trouble at school. 

Or, when John tries to tell their dad about their day, dad might not seem interested and never ask how John is. John has learned to deal with their issues on their own, without ever asking their father for advice or assistance, and as a result, they feel abandoned and alone with their problems.

4. The rejecting parent

The parent who rejects their child’s life is emotionally cold, uncaring, or unconcerned with their emotional well-being. Their reaction to their child’s emotional tantrums is to act uncaring, unconcerned, or dismissive. They may say hurtful and embarrassing things to their kids, like “Stop whining,” “I do not care what you think,” or “You should be thankful I even take care of you.” Additionally, they may exhibit signs of emotional abuse, such as silent treatment or shifting blame.

Type of Emotionally Immature Parent	Traits	Examples
The Driven Parent	The focus is excessively on success and achievements, pushing children to excel at all costs.	A parent who only praises a child for grades and ignores emotional needs or personal interests.
The Passive Parent	Avoids conflict and emotional engagement; does not set boundaries or provide guidance.	A parent who lets a child make all decisions, even when they are harmful or irresponsible.
The Rejecting Parent	Dismisses or neglects a child’s emotional needs, offering little or no affection or validation.	A parent who mocks or ignores a child’s distress, offering no comfort or care.
The Emotional Parent	Extreme reactions, mood changes, frequent emotional outbursts, and difficulty regulating emotions.	A parent who switches between showing too much love and getting furious, leaving the child feeling confused and anxious.

Effects of Emotionally Immature Parents on Children

Emotionally immature parents’ neglect, misinterpretation, or inconsistent fulfillment of children’s needs can result in insecure attachment styles, such as anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles. [6] The child eventually realizes that they cannot anticipate the parent’s emotional response to feel validated and starts self-soothing.

Aside from attachment issues, adult children of EI parents may feel disconnected from their family or even go through birthday depression because of all the scandals on this day. Some may carry painful thoughts like, “I hate my whole family,” not because they truly do, but because of how much hurt is tied up in that family life. 

Some children take on the role of “the strong one” in the family while still being children. They learn to manage not just their own thoughts and emotions, but also those of their caregivers, too, since their parents can’t. This is known as parentification trauma. Although these kids usually become responsible and capable adults, the emotional weight of the duties they never should have had weighs on them. [7]

Alongside parentification, children may also experience enmeshment trauma in homes with weak or unclear boundaries. Here, they lose sight of who they are because they care too much about how other people feel.

Growing up with emotionally immature parents can also lead to persistent feelings of shame, loneliness, or guilt. [8] Many children internalize blame and feel like a burden simply for having needs. They may carry these emotional scars of emotional immaturity from an early age with them into adulthood, changing how they see themselves and how they interact with others.

How to Deal with Emotionally Immature Parents

The following tips might help you start the healing process that comes with emotionally immature parenting:

1. Develop emotional maturity in yourself

Researchers say that being emotionally mature helps us work out our differences and build safe and satisfying relationships. [9] Self-awareness, practice, and hard work are what help it grow. One way to find out about your level of empathy and how you handle your emotions is to take an emotional intelligence test from Breeze. After your test results, you can start changing your routine to gain self-reflection and develop emotional skills.

Try Breeze

2. Accept the fact that you have emotionally immature parents

Growing up with emotionally immature parents is not your fault, and you can not change them. Accepting that they can not satisfy your needs is difficult, but it could lead you to adjust your expectations. Parents who are emotionally immature may act that way due to their own issues. So, it is best that you do not take their actions personally or internalize them, and it is better to focus on yourself and your needs.

3. Set boundaries with them

Establishing clear emotional and physical boundaries with your parents is the best way to start your healing process.

This includes:

• Being more assertive—determining which actions or behaviors you will not tolerate
• Limiting your time with them
• Refusing to engage in certain types of conversation, you feel very uncomfortable
• Following through on your commitments regarding how to deal with the immaturity of your parents

4. Use a low-contact approach if it is extra difficult 

In some cases, the best way to protect yourself from EI parents as adult children is to go low-contact or no-contact if possible. Making space for yourself can help you heal and take back your emotional independence. This could be a good choice, especially if one’s parents’ behavior is harmful or abusive. 

5. Seek support outside the family

Growing up with emotionally immature parents can be extremely isolating, too. This is why supportive friends, a loving partner, or support groups may give you the validation and abuse-free space where expressing emotions can be safe and beneficial for you.

6. Work with a therapist

Therapy can also be a valuable tool for learning how to process any feelings of hurt or handle complex family relationships. Therapy also helps you to develop real emotional intimacy and self-worth, which children of emotionally immature caregivers need.

7. Resources for learning more

There’s always more to learn about your upbringing and how it might affect you. You can also hear from experts and other people who have had not emotionally mature parents. There are many great resources available for more information and ideas, including the popular book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.”

More articles on the topic

• Cold mother syndrome
• 10 symptoms of daughters of narcissistic mothers
• “I hate my dad”
• What is emotional impermanence

Podcast

The Being Well Podcast welcomes Dr. Lindsay Gibson, whose work on emotional immaturity will be discussed. 

Books

More books by Gibson:

• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
• Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents
• Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People

Sources

1. The Guardian. Do you have an ‘emotionally immature parent’? How a nine-year-old book found a new, younger audience. April 2024.
2. Łada-Maśko, A. B., & Kaźmierczak, M. (2021). Measuring and Predicting Maturity to Parenthood: What Has Personality Got to Do with It?. Journal of clinical medicine 
3. Cai J, Li J, Liu D, Gao S, Zhao Y, Zhang J, et al. Long-term effects of childhood trauma subtypes on adult brain function. Brain Behav. 2023
4.  Li D, et al. (2019). Intergenerational transmission of emotion regulation through parents’ reactions to children’s negative emotions: Tests of unique, actor, partner, and mediating effects. Children and Youth Services Review.
5. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents, Paperback, 2015, by Lindsay C. Gibson.
6. Kerns, K. A., & Brumariu, L. E. (2014). Is Insecure Parent-Child Attachment a Risk Factor for the Development of Anxiety in Childhood or Adolescence?. Child development perspectives.
7. Dariotis, J. K., Chen, F. R., Park, Y. R., Nowak, M. K., French, K. M., & Codamon, A. M. (2023). Parentification Vulnerability, Reactivity, Resilience, and Thriving: A Mixed Methods Systematic Literature Review. International journal of environmental research and public health.
8. Dobrić, Tamara & Patrić, Aleksandra. (2024). THE HIDDEN FACE OF PARENTING: EMOTIONAL IMMATURITY. SCIENCE International Journal.
9. Simpson JA, Rholes SW. Adult Attachment, Stress, and Romantic Relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology. 2017