Do you have a parent who struggles to manage their emotions, often crying or yelling over little things? Do they frequently change moods, switching between affection, anger, or indifference? This behavior is typical for emotionally immature parents.
This term became popular due to Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD’s New York Times bestseller “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents.”
The author emphasizes that growing up with emotionally immature parents can be deeply confusing and can influence children’s emotional health and relationships as adults.
Understanding the effects of emotionally immature parents and learning to cope with them can help children and adults break free from destructive patterns and build healthier relationships.
What Is an Emotionally Immature Parent?
An emotionally immature parent is someone who has not developed the emotional capacity to manage their feelings, reactions, and relationships in a healthy and balanced way.
They often have difficulty regulating emotions, understanding other people’s feelings, and responding appropriately to stressful or emotional situations [1].
As a result, these immature parents behave in ways that are erratic, self-centered, and inconsistent, placing their emotional needs before their children’s needs.
Moreover, emotionally immature parents may struggle with basic parenting responsibilities, such as offering emotional support, setting boundaries, or teaching to regulate emotions.
Rychel Johnson, a licensed clinical professional counselor, explained why people become emotionally immature parents.
People don’t become emotionally immature parents intentionally. Unresolved childhood traumas and unhealthy attachments have a significant impact on future generations of families. Societal pressures, lack of mental health support, and generational patterns of parenting can reinforce these problematic behaviors. Breaking these hardwired cycles takes an effort–without personal growth or therapy aimed to heal unhealthy patterns, emotionally immature parents risk perpetuating similar patterns of disconnection and unmet needs in their children.
How has growing up with emotionally immature parents affected you? Take an insightful test to identify lingering effects and take the first step toward breaking the cycle.
5 Signs of Emotionally Immature Parents
Typically, emotionally immature parents can behave in many different ways but have similar traits. Recognizing these traits and patterns can help you deal with them:
1. They behave unpredictably or are overreactive
Emotional outbursts, erratic responses to stress, and mood changes are common traits of emotionally immature parents. They might have difficulty managing their emotions, allowing their anger, sadness, or frustration to spill over uncontrollably.
In addition, immature parents might fluctuate between being overly permissive and overly strict without any clear rationale. One moment, they might be kind; the next, they could be angry or upset about something minor.
Therefore, children of such parents may find it hard to understand what parents expect of them, leading to confusion and a lack of security.
This negative experience, in turn, might lead to lost child syndrome. The lost inner child test can help you to identify if lost child syndrome applies to you
2. They create drama and get offended easily
Emotionally immature parents may shout, cry excessively, exaggerate issues, or express dramatic emotional reactions to minor inconveniences, creating chaos around them.
Moreover, an emotionally immature mother or father might get offended over insignificant things.
For example, perhaps the child said they didn’t want to watch a movie with their parents. An emotionally immature parent will get offended, cry, keep silent, or ignore the child as a punishment.
Typically, they also use manipulative phrases like “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t act this way,” “You always make me so upset,” or “I’ve sacrificed so much for you, and you don’t even appreciate it.”
Due to their emotional unavailability, immature parents often lack the skills to handle conflict appropriately.
That’s why, rather than discussing issues calmly and finding solutions, they may yell, blame, or withdraw from the conversation entirely.
They might also hold grudges or refuse to forgive, keeping conflicts unresolved for long periods, making the child feel guilty, beg for forgiveness, promise to improve, and try to make amends. This behavior can overwhelm children, causing parentification trauma.
3. They are selfish
Emotionally immature parents focus primarily on their own feelings, desires, and problems.
They also may be unable to provide emotional support and expect their children to cater to their emotional needs, making them feel responsible for their mood.
Consequently, these children are more likely to develop adult child syndrome later in life.
For instance, emotionally immature parents might undermine their children’s feelings or respond with indifference rather than offering comfort or empathy when upset.
They can minimize problems or shift the focus away from their child’s emotions, making them feel isolated and unsupported.
Over time, such a child may develop birthday depression and even think, “I hate my entire family.”
In the same way, immature parents can undermine their children’s friendships and romantic relationships by saying something like, “Why do you spend so much time with them? They’re probably using you” or “They’re just going to abandon you when things get tough, just like everyone else.”
They may express jealousy or concern that others are taking away their child’s attention, subtly encouraging the child’s isolation.
In some cases, they even try to turn children against friends or significant others to keep them emotionally dependent.
4. They don’t respect boundaries
One of the common effects of emotionally immature parents is violated boundaries, both emotional and physical.
For instance, they invade their child’s privacy, make them feel guilty for having their own needs, or act as though they don’t have to follow the same rules as everyone else.
As a result, when boundaries in a family are blurred, and members are overconcerned and overinvolved in each other’s lives, the children may develop enmeshment trauma.
5. They project their insecurities, fears, or flaws onto their children
Projection is a psychological defense mechanism where a person attributes their undesirable thoughts, feelings, or behaviors to someone else—in this case, the child.
Because emotionally immature parents lack self-awareness or the emotional tools to deal with their issues, they may project their internal struggles onto their children, creating confusion, guilt, and shame.
For example, a parent who feels insecure about their career success can project that insecurity onto their child by accusing them of being unmotivated, saying, “You’re too lazy!” even if the child is working hard.
Similarly, a parent who struggles with feelings of guilt or shame might accuse their child of being selfish or ungrateful, even when the child is simply expressing their own needs.
Eventually, a child of immature parents may begin to feel like they are never good enough or that their needs and emotions are invalid.
4 Types of Emotionally Immature Parents
Commonly, emotionally immature parents show specific types of behavior that reflect their inability to regulate emotions, establish healthy boundaries, or show empathy.
These patterns can significantly impact their children, creating environments that are unpredictable, emotionally unsafe, and confusing.
Below are 4 types of emotionally immature parents, each with their own characteristics and examples [2]:
1. The Emotional Parent
This parent may behave like a child rather than an adult. They demand attention and care from their children and become excessively dependent on them for emotional support.
While they can be very loving at times, their emotional instability makes children feel like they need to adjust to their parent’s fluctuating emotional state constantly.
As a result, children of emotionally immature parents might feel emotionally exhausted because they never know how their caregivers will react.
2. The Driven Parent
The driven parent is usually obsessed with success and high standards. They prioritize external accomplishments—whether in career, social status, or material wealth—over emotional connection or the well-being of their children.
This type of emotionally immature parents may push their children hard to achieve at high levels, with little regard for the child’s own desires, interests, or feelings.
In this context, the driven parent may show narcissistic traits, viewing the child’s achievements as a reflection of their own worth and boosting their own self-esteem or public image.
3. The Passive Parent
The passive parent is emotionally disengaged and tends to avoid confrontation or difficult emotions, suppressing their feelings. They also fail to set clear boundaries or enforce rules.
Consequently, this can cause children to experience emotional neglect or be responsible for maintaining peace at home.
For example, John’s father is a passive, emotionally immature parent who avoids confrontation. When John gets into trouble at school, their father doesn’t enforce consequences but instead tells John to “do whatever you want” and “figure it out yourself.”
Their father never asks John about their feelings and often seems uninterested when John tries to talk about their day. John feels lonely and unsupported and has learned to handle their own problems without ever turning to their father for help or guidance.
4. The Rejecting Parent
The rejecting parent is emotionally distant, neglectful, or dismissive of their child’s emotional needs. They belittle their child’s feelings, act indifferent to their struggles, or reject their child’s emotional expressions.
Rejecting immature parents can be critical, cold, punitive, and show signs of emotional abuse.
Their children may hear overtly harsh and humiliating things from them like “Stop whining,” “I don’t care what you think,” or “You should be grateful I even take care of you.”
Eventually, a child of rejecting emotionally immature parents may grow up feeling unworthy of love, attention, or care.
| Type of Emotionally Immature Parent | Characteristics | Examples |
| The Driven Parent | Focuses excessively on success and achievements; pushes children to excel at all costs. | A parent who only praises a child for grades and ignores emotional needs or personal interests. |
| The Passive Parent | Avoids conflict and emotional engagement; does not set boundaries or provide guidance. | A parent who lets a child make all decisions, even when they are harmful or irresponsible. |
| The Rejecting Parent | Dismisses or neglects a child’s emotional needs, offering little or no affection or validation. | A parent who mocks or ignores a child’s distress, offering no comfort or care. |
| The Emotional Parent | Extreme reactions, mood changes, frequent emotional outbursts, difficulty regulating emotions. | A parent who switches between showing too much love and getting very angry, leaving the child feeling confused and anxious. |
How to Deal with Emotionally Immature Parents
The following strategies may help you overcome some challenges involved in growing up with emotionally immature parents:
1. Accept the fact that you have emotionally immature parents
Accept that growing up with emotionally immature parents is not your fault and that you cannot change them. Understanding that they could never fully meet your emotional needs is a harsh reality, but it might help you adjust your expectations.
Emotionally immature parents might react from unresolved issues that have nothing to do with you, not because of anything you’ve done. So, try not to internalize their patterns or take their actions personally.
2. Set boundaries
Establish clear emotional and physical boundaries with your parents, limiting your time with them or refusing to engage in certain types of conversation.
In some cases, the best way to protect yourself from emotionally immature parents is to go low-contact or no-contact if possible. This can be a beneficial option if your parents’ behavior is abusive or toxic. Creating space can help you heal and reclaim your emotional autonomy.
3. Seek support outside the family
Growing up with emotionally immature parents can be isolating. That’s why seeking support from friends, therapists, or support groups might provide the validation and guidance you need.
Therapy can also be a valuable tool for learning how to process any feelings of hurt or abandonment trauma and handle complex family relationships.
Breeze also asked Rychel Johnson, M.S., LCPC, how to deal with emotionally immature parents.
Dealing with emotionally immature parents can be challenging. Recognize that their behavior reflects their limitations and not your worth. Focus on protecting your emotional well-being by maintaining realistic expectations about what your parents can offer and seeking support outside of that relationship, such as through friends, partners, or therapy. Practice self-validation and allow yourself to feel your emotions without their approval or understanding. Remember, you can’t change them, but you can change how you respond to their behavior.