Shame is a profoundly uncomfortable emotion that can easily overwhelm us. When it spirals, it can feel like an endless loop of negative self-judgment, guilt, and isolation.
In this article, we’ll explore what a shame spiral is and how to recognize its signs. We’ll also discover how it can negatively impact mental health and how to get out of a shame spiral.
What Is a Shame Spiral?
A shame spiral is a cycle of negative thoughts, emotions, and behaviors triggered by feelings of shame [1].
Typically, a shame cycle begins when you experience a moment of embarrassment, guilt, or self-criticism and quickly escalates into an all-consuming internal feeling of inadequacy.
Eventually, instead of moving through the emotion of shame in a healthy way, you become trapped in a cycle where shame triggers more shame, often leaving you feeling worse than before.
Feeling ashamed and believing you’re fundamentally flawed or that you’ll always be judged negatively can be associated with narcissistic traits, but not always.
Naturally, an emotional spiral can appear subtle or intense, but the end result is often the same: a deep sense of hopelessness and self-doubt.
The good news is that, with awareness and tools, it’s possible to break free from the shame cycle.
How to Recognize a Shame Spiral Signs
Recognizing when you’re in a shame spiral is crucial for stopping it before it takes hold. Some common signs include:
1. You criticize yourself harshly
You begin to criticize yourself, often harshly, for minor mistakes or imperfections. Thoughts like, “I’m so stupid” or “I can never do anything right,” can take over your inner dialogue, causing a shame cycle.
Or, for example, if you stumble over your words in a conversation, you might think, “I’m so awkward; I always embarrass myself. No one wants to talk to me.”
If you’re finding that feelings of shame are overwhelming or persistent, it might be helpful to explore any deeper emotional patterns, such as childhood trauma, that could be influencing these responses.
2. You begin to avoid people
As shame intensifies, you may instinctively want to avoid people or situations that might trigger more feelings of shame.
Emotional numbness or detachment in reaction to overwhelming stress or trauma can be a sign of potential neurodivergence. Understanding the difference between neurodivergent symptoms and a reaction to shame is helpful.
For instance, a shame spiral can show up as avoiding social gatherings, skipping meetings, or withdrawing from friends and family. The fear of being judged or rejected can feel overwhelming, leading to isolation.
To illustrate, after an awkward meeting at work, you might decide to avoid the office for a few days, telling yourself, “I can’t face anyone after what happened.”
Or, at a party or social gathering, you may withdraw into a corner or decide to leave early, thinking, “Everyone must think I’m boring or awkward.”
Are you the one who often avoids eye contact, second-guesses every phrase, or finds it hard to speak up in a crowd? Take the social anxiety quiz to understand the roots of the fear of social interactions.
3. You replay past mistakes over and over in your mind
Shame spirals often involve obsessive thinking about past errors or moments where you felt judged or embarrassed [2].
This mental loop of “what-ifs” and “I should have…” can trap you in the past, preventing you from moving forward and learning from the experience.
For instance, you might replay a conversation repeatedly in your mind, thinking, “Why did I say that? They probably think I’m an idiot now.”
Another example is when you make a small mistake at work, like sending an email with a typo, you may ruminate on it for hours or even days, worrying about how it will affect your career.
Rychel Johnson, a licensed clinical professional counselor, explained how to stop replaying past mistakes in mind.
Replaying past mistakes is a natural but often unhelpful response to feelings of regret or self-doubt. Practicing self-compassion is important—remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes. When intrusive thoughts arise, acknowledge them without judgment, then gently redirect your focus to the present moment. Mindfulness techniques and journaling about your thoughts may provide clarity and a chance to process your emotions. Remember, healing is a process, and each step forward counts.
4. You feel physical symptoms of stress
Shame can show up physically, leading to stress-related symptoms. These symptoms are often tied to the fight-or-flight response, where your body reacts to perceived threats.
The emotional intensity of the shame spiral can trigger physical discomfort, making the experience feel even more overwhelming.
In this case, stress can show as follows:
- You may notice a tightness in your chest, shallow breathing, or even a racing heart when you think about a past mistake or worry about a future one.
- A sense of heaviness may develop, making it feel like you’re carrying a weight on your shoulders, or you may feel fatigued and drained of energy.
- You might experience a desire to physically escape the situation, like wanting to leave a room or go to a private space to avoid dealing with your feelings.
5. You have catastrophic thinking
In a shame spiral, you might convince yourself that a small mistake will lead to disastrous consequences, amplifying your anxiety and feelings of helplessness.
A disagreement with a friend might spiral into thinking, “They probably hate me now. This is the end of our friendship, and I’ll be alone forever.”
Or, after receiving a critical comment from a supervisor, you might think, “I’ll never recover from this. I will get fired and won’t be able to find another job.”
How to Stop a Shame Spiral
If you often wonder, “How to stop worrying about everything?” here’s how you can stop a shame cycle in its tracks:
1. Pause and breathe
When you first notice the shame spiral starting, take a moment to pause. Slow down your breathing to calm your nervous system and reduce the intensity of your emotions.
Then, try inhaling for a count of four, holding for four, and exhaling for four. Focus on the sensation of your breath to ground yourself.
2. Acknowledge your shame without judgment
Recognize that shame is a natural human emotion but doesn’t define who you are. Saying to yourself, “I’m feeling ashamed right now,” can help you separate the feeling from your identity. Remind yourself that emotions are temporary and don’t determine your worth.
3. Change your negative thoughts
Shame spirals may involve automatic, negative self-talk. Start challenging these thoughts with logic and self-compassion. Ask yourself questions like:
- Is this thought based on facts, or am I exaggerating?
- Would I say this to a friend if they were feeling ashamed?
- What’s a more balanced, kind way to view this situation?
Reframe your thoughts. Instead of thinking, “I’m a failure,” try saying, “I made a mistake, but that doesn’t mean I’m a failure. I can learn from this.”
4. Ground yourself in the present
Shame spirals may involve getting stuck in the past (regretting past mistakes) or the future (fearing rejection or failure).
To stop the shame spiral, focus on the present moment. Grounding techniques, such as focusing on your breath, engaging in physical sensations such as feeling the ground beneath your feet, or engaging in mindful activities, can help bring you back to the here and now.
5. Reframe your mistakes as opportunities
Instead of seeing your mistakes as evidence that you’re unworthy or incompetent, try to reframe them as opportunities for growth.
Mistakes are a normal part of being human and can provide valuable learning experiences. Ask yourself: “What can I learn from this situation? How can I improve next time?“
6. Set boundaries to protect yourself
If certain situations or people tend to trigger shame spirals, consider setting boundaries.
For example, if a family member or friend frequently makes comments that provoke shame, you can communicate how their remarks affect you and ask them to respect your feelings.
7. Talk to someone you trust
One of the most effective ways to stop a shame cycle is to talk about your feelings with someone you trust. This might be a friend or a family member.
Sharing your experience may help you feel seen and supported, reduce feelings of isolation, and remind you that everyone experiences shame occasionally.
If you find that shame spirals are frequent or deeply affecting your mental health, consider speaking with a therapist.
Can Shame Spirals Negatively Impact Mental Health?
Typically, shame spirals can have significant adverse effects on mental health [1]. Chronic feelings of shame are linked to a variety of mental health conditions, including:
- Depression: Constant shame can lead to feelings of hopelessness and despair, common symptoms of depression [3].
- Anxiety: Shame often fuels anxiety, particularly social anxiety. Fear of judgment or rejection can lead to excessive worry and avoidance, worsening feelings of anxiety and isolation [4].
- Low Self-Esteem: Constant shame can damage your self-worth, leading to a negative view of yourself. This can make building healthy relationships or working toward your goals harder.
- Addictive Behaviors: People may use unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as overeating or substance abuse, to numb or escape the pain of shame [3].
- Relationship Struggles: Experiencing a shame spiral can lead to withdrawal, fear of rejection, or self-sabotage in relationships, increasing loneliness and difficulty connecting with others.
Breeze also asked Rychel Johnson, M.S., LCPC, how the shame spiral negatively impacts mental health.
In my experience, shame spirals significantly impact the mental health of therapy clients. Shame is a profoundly isolating emotion that convinces a person they are flawed at their core. This faulty belief leads to patterns of self-criticism and withdrawal from meaningful connections. Over time, shame can erode self-esteem and contribute to maladaptive behaviors such as avoidance or self-sabotage. By addressing shame in therapy, clients can reclaim a sense of agency and begin to foster healthier emotional resilience.
Sources
- Harvard Business Review. Don’t Let Shame Become a Self-Destructive Spiral. June 01, 2017.
- ResearchGate. Undoing the shame spiral: working with a narcissistic client trapped in a self-hating depression. November 2010.
- ScienceDirect. Shame mediates the relationship between depression and addictive behaviors. July 2018.
- ScienceDirect. The role of shame and guilt in social anxiety disorder. December 2021.
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