Limerence vs. Love Compared — When Butterflies In Your Stomach Might Mislead You

You fell for someone, can’t sleep thinking about them, and daydream about the next moment you see each other. This might be something different from love. Limirence is a feeling of strong intensity that makes a person obsessively focus on someone. Unlike love, it can also bring many drawbacks, like emotional dependence, constant anxiety, and unrealistic expectations.

Find out the key differences between love and limerence, discover what mental state you live in by taking a test, and learn how to deal with limerence and stop fearing that you will lose someone who may not feel the same way.

People with insecure attachment styles are more likely to experience intense infatuation and limerence. Take a quick and free quiz to discover how you approach closeness and get personalized recommendations.

What is limerence?

Psychologist Dorothy Tennov, in her book Love and Limerence, was the first one to define this state as a mental state of profound romantic infatuation. This means that a person exhibits some kind of hyperfixation on someone and constantly craves their attention. Also, this state is characterised by:

• Another person’s idealization and complete ignorance of their bad traits.
• Desire for reciprocation and romantic relationship development.
• Intense mood fluctuations are connected to other people’s reactions.
• Strong fear of losing another person and inability to stay calm when something in your communication goes wrong.

Scientists state that this state may involve limbic brain activity associated with the processing of “fight or flight” emotions and impacted by the effects of neurochemicals such as dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin, noted for their role in bonding and positive affect. [1] 

Simply put, limerence is an emotional state where your brain’s reward and bonding systems are highly active. Chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin make you feel attachment when thinking about or interacting with the person. And your limbic system reacts to their rejection and causes emotional fluctuations.

What is love?

Cambridge Dictionary defines “love” as “the feeling of liking another adult very much and being romantically and sexually attracted to them.” It is a mental state that gradually evolves through interactions with another person, shared experiences, and support. It’s also characterised by:

• Mutual emotional connection and pleasure from another person’s presence.
• Care for each other and desire to maintain the relationship over time.
• Feeling safe to be yourself and respecting each other’s boundaries.
• Being together while maintaining your own identity and independence.

Love vs. limerence — Key differences

We’ve collected critical differences between love and limerence to help you recognize the signs and understand your feelings.

Love	Limerence
Main feelings: affection, common care, and deep attachment of both partners	Main feelings: obsession, desire for reciprocation, and longing
Develops over time through common experiences	Happens quickly, often based on infatuation or fantasy
Focuses on understanding and supporting each other	Concentrates on seeking validation from the other person
Covers accepting a partner’s strengths and weaknesses	It’s about creating someone’s idealized picture
Typically, long-term	Typically, more short-lived

Feelings

• Love is a complex feeling that involves strong commitment and attachment to someone. When discussing healthy love without trauma bonding, partners usually build it on common trust, care, and mutual respect.

• Crush and limerence are usually one-sided. You might be obsessed with the idea that someone responds to your feelings. As a rule, intrusive thoughts and emotional dependency make this state even more all-consuming.

Reciprocity

• Love involves some action towards each other from both sides. People in love don’t expect any reciprocation; they give freely, without conditions, and receive the same.

• Limerence is about the constant need for validation and thinking about whether the other person loves you.

Stability

• Love is consistent. A partner won’t disappear unexpectedly for a week or keep your messages unanswered for a few days without a serious reason.

• Someone you experience intense longing for may disappear for a few days and get back like nothing serious has happened. They may truly believe that there are no obligations or expectations in the relationship. Moreover, a person experiencing emotional dependency may live with attachment issues and, as a result, also behave inconsistently.

Duration

• Love usually develops from empathy and turns into deep feelings when partners grow together. It tends to get deeper in the long run.

• In a limerence relationship, everything happens quickly. The intense feelings surge unexpectedly.

Idealization

• A person experiencing a deep connection sees a partner like a real human. Your loved one has flaws, bad days, and imperfections. Love allows for these and still grows stronger because it’s built on acceptance and understanding.

• Limerence is about idealizing a human. The partner you’re into is perfect. At least, you believe it to be true.

Breeze’s journaling feature allows you to notice what you feel toward someone and how these feelings evolve over time. Try using the app for at least a week, use helpful prompts, and you will be able to discover whether it’s real love or limerence.

Try Breeze

Am I in love or obsessed? — Examples

As you already understand the main differences, let’s proceed to real-life and movie examples.

Love

Movie example

Think about Hazel and Gus from The Fault in Our Stars. Their relationship seems like something much deeper than limerence. Emotional vulnerability and genuine care for one another — that’s what we see throughout the movie. 

Both of them are living with terminal illnesses, but despite facing significant challenges, they support each other without unrealistic expectations. Gus doesn’t try to “fix” Hazel’s problems, and Hazel values Gus not as a savior but as a partner who truly understands her.

Real-life example

Barack and Michelle Obama can serve as an example of love that lasts for decades. They first met in 1989, and they grew up and developed together, reaching new heights. Despite a high-pressure career, the couple managed to save their relationship even during two Barack’s terms as President of the United States. Now they’re still together and continue to show mutual support.

Limerence

Movie example

Remember Jay Gatsby’s obsession with Daisy Buchanan in The Great Gatsby. His feelings for Daisy are based more on her idealized version of herself than on who she truly is. He spends years throwing parties, all hoping to win her back. Still, his love is fueled by nostalgia and fantasy.

This unbalanced dynamic, where Gatsby projects his desires onto Daisy without truly seeing her as she is, makes their relationship delusional.

Real-life example

Dr. Tom Bellamy shared his story of overcoming intense limerent feelings with The Guardian. He studied it both from a neuroscientist’s position and a person who experiences it. 

After falling into an obsessive crush during midlife, he decided that he didn’t want to spoil his family life and tried to overcome limerence. While infatuation was rather strong, Dr. Bellamy refused to disclose his feelings. He told his wife about the situation and found out that she had experienced the same, so they started to deal with the issue together. 

Some time later, he managed to overcome the feeling by limiting contact with a limerent object and improving relationships in his own family. Now, Dr. Tom Bellamy is still married and even has a blog connected to overcoming limerence. And while the movie’s story was rather frustrating, this one is a great example that strong infatuation doesn’t have to change life completely and can be handled.

3 stages of limerence in a relationship

If you want to avoid getting trapped in limerence, it’s important to notice the first signs. The stages of its development typically look like that.

1. Infatuation

This is an all-consuming attraction. You want to be with someone, and you desire to build romantic relations. There’s no room for emotional control. The only thing you can think about is that person. This infatuation is uncontrollable. At the same time, you:

• Don’t know or aren’t sure whether these feelings are reciprocal.
• Experience an emotional roller coaster.
• Might experience physical symptoms like the inability to sleep or eat.
• May unconsciously sabotage any opportunity to build relationships through intrusive behavior.

2. Crystallization

At this stage, you crystallize the idea that the person who stole your heart is ideal. This unhealthy attraction involves the belief that your loved one can solve all your problems and you’ll only be happy with them. Also, you might:

• Ignore red flags or warning signs because they don’t fit your idealized image.
• Constantly try to notice the behavior that proves your obsessive thoughts about cheating.
• Disregard reality and concentrate more on fantasies.
• Begin to overlook your own life, needs, and sense of self.
• Make rushed, sometimes illogical decisions.

3. Deterioration

Finally, you understand that your love interest will never be what you expected them to be. Moreover, you understand that your “dream relationships” are also unreal. The reality can be overwhelming and quite painful. 

This is especially true for people with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style who may struggle with a fear of abandonment or rejection. Letting a person go can be accompanied by a feeling of loss and disappointment. In the end, you may:

• Regret your actions and feelings.

• Realize that you’ve ignored your emotional needs and diminished sense of self-worth.
• Feel betrayed by your emotions as the illusion falls apart.
• Go through with the process of healing, as the detachment may feel like you’re losing a part of yourself.

Who is most likely to experience limerence?

In fact, this can happen to anyone. Still, people with insecure attachment styles and childhood trauma are the most prone to intense feelings without reciprocation.

• Scientists associate limerence with anxious attachment style. [2] Such people may find themselves obsessing over relationships and seeking validation. 

• Those who have experienced abandonment or emotional neglect as children may also be more vulnerable. For them, limerence can feel like a way to fill a void and get the affection they may have missed out on in the past. 

Find out whether you face the outcomes of childhood trauma that turn into limerence. This 5-minute test can help you spot patterns and find ways to change them.

What are the drawbacks of a limerence relationship compared to a healthy relationship?

• Emotional distress. A one-sided dynamic can be exhausting because you give far more than you receive.

• Overdependence. Intense focus on the other person may lead to relying too much on their approval and leave little space for your growth. 

• Disconnection from reality. Since limerence is more about fantasy, it’s hard to truly connect with who your partner is. As a result, you might miss important red flags.

• Challenges in relationships with friends and family. When someone gets too absorbed in a limerent connection, they might neglect time with close ones.

• Potential for other addictions. Neuroimaging studies provide evidence regarding the hypothesized similarity between limerence and substance abuse disorder. [3] This doesn’t mean that people prone to intense infatuation are doomed to addiction,  but it seems to share some of the same brain pathways that drive reward, craving, and obsessive focus.

Limerence vs love quiz

Find out whether you experience true love or limerence. Answer “yes” or “no” in each question. Then, tally up the number of points and move on to the results.

1. Do you think about the person nonstop, no matter what you’re doing?

• Yes (1 point)
• No (0 points)

2. Do you feel like you couldn’t be happy without this person’s attention?

• Yes (1 point)
• No (0 points)

3. Does your mood change depending on whether this person notices you?

• Yes (1 point)
• No (0 points)

4. Do you feel restless when this person is not around?

• Yes (1 point)
• No (0 points)

5. Would you do anything to get their attention, even at your expense?

• Yes (1 point)
• No (0 points)

6. Do you feel nervous or insecure if this person doesn’t respond quickly?

• Yes (1 point)
• No (0 points)

7. Do you often imagine how perfect things could be if you were together?

• Yes (1 point)
• No (0 points)

8. Do you feel the need for this person to see you as valuable or worthy?

• Yes (1 point)
• No (0 points)

9. Do you prioritize their happiness over your own, no matter the cost?

• Yes (1 point)
• No (0 points)

Understanding your feelings and those of others might seem tricky. Take a quick and free EI test to gain insights on how to improve self-awareness.

Love and limerence quiz results

Now you’re ready to find out whether you’re a limerent person or someone who has fallen in love.

0-3 points

Most probably, you’re truly in love.

Your feelings are likely rooted in a deep connection and genuine care. There’s a sense of stability, trust, and mutual respect that goes beyond initial excitement. You want to make the other person happy, and it seems like this attraction is pretty healthy. 

4-6 points

The difference between romantic love and infatuation may be blurred. There are some signs of limerence.

Sometimes, you approach the person you like with intense excitement, but other times, you wonder if it’s more about the thrill of the chase. While there’s definitely an emotional attachment, the feeling might still carry some elements of idealization.

7-9 points

There’s a high probability that you want to engage in a limerent relationship.

Daydreaming for hours about someone is more like limerence than love. Your feelings are about a constant need for reassurance, so you’re always wondering if they feel the same way rather than enjoying a steady, mutual connection.

Can limerence turn into true love and a committed relationship?

Yes, limerence can turn into love if both potential partners share romantic feelings and take steps toward each other to reach healthy dynamics.

How real intimacy might develop

As both people move beyond idealized versions, they begin to see each other for who they truly are and accept those aspects. This shift can turn the limerence into fulfilling love. Still, it requires patience, clear communication, and a willingness to grow together.

What if this intense infatuation is unrequited? 

Then, the healthiest way would be to concentrate on your well-being. While it may take time to let go of the emotions tied to a limerent object, doing so will help you build a foundation for healthier relationships in the future.

How to deal with limerence

A few practices can help you focus on your wellness rather than your need for validation from someone. 

Insights from the article by Dr. Tom Bellamy

• Limit contact with the person. As Dorothy Tennov, American psychologist, in the book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love states, the average limerence episode lasts from 18 months to 3 years. However, you can avoid the object of obsession, this way reducing the number of triggers and giving your mind time to recover.

• Deliberately spoil daydreams and reframe happy memories to instead focus on the negatives. Our brains react to imagined experiences much like real ones, especially in areas that handle emotions and rewards. Thus, if you keep thinking about the person as if they bring negativity, it can help you weaken the obsession.

• Develop a new, positive vision for the future. Instead, it can be helpful to focus on your life without dependence on the other person. Train your mind to notice your own achievements and joys rather than constantly returning to thoughts of them.

Tips to concentrate on personal growth 

• Study your attachment style and check whether you live with childhood trauma. Deep-rooted behavioral patterns may make you hope for someone’s approval. Once you know it, you can notice such automatic desires and respond consciously.

• Track your emotions to recognize unhealthy patterns. Strong feelings without reciprocation can lead to anxiety and even moments of depression. The Breeze app allows you to spot when these thoughts come to your mind, discover what triggers them, and develop healthy strategies to manage such feelings. 

• Seek support from trusted family members or a licensed mental health professional. If you feel that limerence is overwhelming and affects your well-being, it’s better to ask your close ones for help. You can also discuss your feelings with a therapist to gain a new perspective and lower the intensity of intrusive thoughts.

Sources

1. Willmott, Lynn & Bentley, Evie. (2015). “Exploring the Lived-Experience of Limerence: A Journey toward Authenticity.” Qualitative Report. 
2. Bradbury, Paula & Short, Emma & Bleakley, Paul. (2024). “Limerence, Hidden Obsession, Fixation, and Rumination: A Scoping Review of Human Behaviour.” Journal of Police and Criminal Psychology. 
3. Wyant BE. “Treatment of Limerence Using a Cognitive Behavioral Approach: A Case Study.” J Patient Exp. 2021