It takes your breath away every time you see them. Nothing seems valuable or important without this feeling. You keep asking, “Is it really that spark?” and the answer is, obviously, “Yes, I can’t live without this person!”
But are you sure it’s really love? Maybe you’re getting into a limerence relationship without even noticing it. Check out this article to uncover what your heart truly feels.
Wondering if your partner’s behavior crosses the line? Take the narcissist partner quick quiz to get clarity and learn how to protect your peace.
Limerence vs love quiz
If it’s hard for you to draw the difference between love and limerence, we’re here to help you. Answer “yes” or “no” in each question. Then, tally up the number of points and move on to the results.
1. Do you think about the person nonstop, no matter what you’re doing?
- Yes (1 point)
- No (0 points)
2. Do you feel like you couldn’t be happy without this person’s attention or approval?
- Yes (1 point)
- No (0 points)
3. Does your mood swing depending on whether this person notices you?
- Yes (1 point)
- No (0 points)
4. Do you feel restless or incomplete when this person is not around?
- Yes (1 point)
- No (0 points)
5. Would you do anything to get their attention, even at your expense?
- Yes (1 point)
- No (0 points)
6. Do you feel nervous or insecure if this person doesn’t respond quickly?
- Yes (1 point)
- No (0 points)
7. Do you often imagine how perfect things could be, even if you were together?
- Yes (1 point)
- No (0 points)
8. Do you feel like you need this person to feel valuable or worthy?
- Yes (1 point)
- No (0 points)
9. Do you prioritize their happiness over your own, no matter the cost?
- Yes (1 point)
- No (0 points)
Understanding your feelings and those of others seems like something tricky? Take a quick & free EI test and gain insights on how to improve self-awareness.
Love vs. limerence quiz results
“Falling in love with a damn fantasy.” This phrase from Conan Grey’s “Movies” song perfectly describes how limerence can feel.
Is it about butterflies and extreme happiness? Yes. Can it be about a crazy emotional rollercoaster and obsession? Definitely!
So, it’s better to spot limerence and love early to avoid getting caught in a fantasy. Take a look at your results.
0-3 points
Most probably, you’re truly in love.
Your feelings are likely rooted in a deep connection and genuine care. There’s a sense of stability, trust, and mutual respect that goes beyond initial excitement. And it seems like this attraction is pretty healthy and good for your well-being.
4-6 points
In your case, the difference between love and infatuation may be blurred. There are some signs of limerence.
Answering the question, “Am I in love or obsessed?” you may be somewhere in the middle.
Sometimes, you approach the person you like with intense excitement, but other times, you wonder if it’s more about the thrill of the chase. While there’s definitely an emotional attachment, the feeling might still carry some elements of idealization.
7-9 points
There’s a high probability that you experience intense infatuation.
Daydreaming for hours about the person you’re “in love with”? Neglecting your needs just to make the person happy?
This kind of overwhelming attachment is more like limerence than love. It’s that constant need for reassurance, always wondering if they feel the same way rather than enjoying a steady, mutual connection.
“What should be the first few things that a person who found out they experience limerence needs to do?” Hannah Schlueter, MA, LAC, answers, “A first step in responding to limerence would be to begin identifying healthy coping skills to engage in when the obsessive and intrusive thoughts start running through your head. Looking for a professional would be a great step, as well, in order to begin addressing the underlying issues and develop more adaptive relationships.”
Love vs. limerence — Differences
It may be reasonable to save this test and check yourself for limerence every time you want to enter a relationship.
Yet, what if the questions above aren’t enough? We’ve collected critical differences between love and limerence to help you recognize the signs and understand your feelings.
| Love | Limerence |
| Main feelings: affection, common care, and deep attachment of both partners | Main feelings: obsession, desire for reciprocation, and longing |
| Develops over time through common experiences | Happens quickly, often based on infatuation or fantasy |
| Focuses on understanding and supporting each other | Focuses on seeking validation from the other person |
| Covers accepting a partner’s strengths and weaknesses | Is about creating someone’s idealized picture |
| Typically, a long-term feeling | Typically, more short-lived and intense |
Now, let’s study the differences between limerence and infatuation vs. love a bit deeper.
Feelings
- What is love? It’s a complex feeling that involves strong commitment and attachment to someone. When discussing healthy love without trauma bonding, partners usually build it on common trust, care, and mutual respect.
- Crush and limerence are usually one-sided. You might be obsessed with the idea that someone responds to your feelings. As a rule, intrusive thoughts and emotional dependency make this state even more all-consuming.
Reciprocity
Let’s keep it simple.
- Love involves some action towards each other from both sides. At the same time, people in love don’t expect any reciprocation. They just give freely, without conditions, and receive the same.
- Limerence in a relationship is about the constant need for validation. “Do they love me? Will they admire me tomorrow the same as I do them?” These questions constantly trigger the person experiencing limerence.
Stability
- Most often, love is consistent. A partner won’t disappear unexpectedly for a week or keep your messages unanswered for a few days without a serious reason.
- Limerence might be similar to a hide-and-seek game. Someone you feel intense infatuation for may disappear for a few days and get back like nothing serious has happened. They may truly believe that there are no obligations or expectations in the relationship.
Moreover, a person experiencing limerence may live with attachment issues and, as a result, also behave inconsistently. Today, you might feel cherished and important to them, but tomorrow, they could be distant or cold, leaving you questioning where you stand.
Duration
- Love usually develops from empathy and turns into deep feelings when partners grow together. It’s a long-term feeling that tends to get deeper in the long run.
- In a limerence relationship, everything happens pretty quickly. The intense feelings surge unexpectedly, almost like a whirlwind. One moment, you feel like you’re on top of the world, and the next, you’re caught in a rush of ups and downs.
Idealization
Last but not least. How do you see your partner?
- When comparing limerence vs. love, a person experiencing deep connection sees a partner like a real human. Does your loved one have flaws, bad days, or imperfections? Yes. Love allows for these and still grows stronger because it’s built on acceptance and understanding.
- On the other hand, limerence is all about idealizing a human. They can’t throw the socks on the floor, look tired in the morning, or have bad days. No way! The partner you’re into is perfect. At least, you believe it to be true.
Have you ever experienced limerence?
Am I in love or obsessed? — Examples
Ready to proceed to examples? Let’s take a look at the differences between love vs. infatuation and limerence based on favorite and well-known movies.
Love
Think about Hazel and Gus from The Fault in Our Stars. Their relationship seems like something much deeper than limerence.
Emotional vulnerability and genuine care for one another — that’s what we see throughout the movie. Both of them are living with terminal illnesses, but despite facing significant challenges, they support and uplift each other without unrealistic expectations.
Gus doesn’t try to “fix” Hazel’s problems, and Hazel values Gus not as a savior but as a partner who truly understands her.
Limerence
In contrast, remember Jay Gatsby’s limerence and crush on Daisy Buchanan in The Great Gatsby.
His feelings for Daisy base more on her idealized version of her than who she truly is. He spends years throwing parties, all hoping to win her back. Still, his love is fueled by nostalgia and fantasy.
This unbalanced dynamic, where Gatsby projects his desires onto Daisy without truly seeing her as she is, can make their relationship a textbook case of the difference between love and limerence.
3 stages of limerence in a relationship
Now you understand what limerence and infatuation can look like compared to true love. Yet, if you want to avoid getting trapped in this state, it’s important to notice the first signs of it.
What are the stages of development of limerence? Typically, they look like that.
1. Infatuation
In a nutshell, this is an all-consuming attraction. You want to be with someone, you desire to build romantic relations, you crave to stay near all the time.
There’s no room for emotional control. The only thing you can think about is that person. Seems like a kind of addiction, right?
This intense infatuation is uncontrollable. At the same time, you:
- don’t know or aren’t sure whether these feelings are reciprocal
- experience an emotional rollercoaster
- might notice physical symptoms like the inability to sleep or eat
- may unconsciously sabotage any opportunity to build relationships through intrusive behavior
2. Crystallization
At this stage, you crystallize or define the idea that the person who stole your heart is ideal and the only one who is best for you.
When talking about limerence or love, an unhealthy attraction involves the belief that your loved one can solve all your problems. “I will be happy only with them! My life is impossible without this relationship!” — sounds like limerence.
Also, you might:
- ignore red flags or warning signs because they don’t fit your idealized image
- constantly try to notice the behavior that proves your belief
- disregard reality and focus more on fantasies
- begin to overlook your own needs and sense of self
- make rushed, sometimes illogical decisions
3. Deterioration
Finally, a house of cards is falling. You understand that a person will never be what you expected them to be. Moreover, you understand that your “dream relationships” are also only in your dreams.
The difference between love and infatuation is that, in the second case, the reality can be overwhelming and quite painful.
This is especially true for people with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style who may struggle with a fear of abandonment or rejection.
Yet, anyway, letting a person go can be accompanied by a feeling of loss and disappointment. In the end, you may:
- understand that the fantasized relationship won’t turn into reality
- regret your actions and feelings
- realize that you’ve ignored your emotional needs
- feel betrayed by your emotions as the illusion falls apart
- go through with the process of healing, as the detachment may feel like you’re losing a part of yourself that was tied to the fantasy
We asked Hannah Schlueter, MA, LAC, what helps best when a person struggles with experiencing a deterioration phase.
Expert Insight
“Navigating the deterioration phase of limerence can be multi-layered. The first of two important tools would be to utilize self-compassion, specifically when navigating feelings of regret, shame, or betrayal. The second would be to remain connected to your support network such as family, friends, and community in order to avoid worsening feelings of isolation and remaining involved in other relationships that are meaningful to you.”
Hannah Schlueter
Mental health professional
Can limerence turn into love?
In short, yes. Limerence can turn into love if both potential partners share romantic feelings and take steps toward each other to reach healthy dynamics.
What does it mean?
As both people move beyond idealized versions, they begin to see each other for who they truly are — flaws and all — and accept those aspects. This shift from fantasy to reality can turn the intense highs of limerence into the steady, fulfilling connection of love.
Still, it requires patience, clear communication, and a willingness to grow together.
But what if this intense infatuation is unrequited?
Then, the healthiest way would be to focus on your well-being. While it may take time to let go of the emotions tied to limerence, doing so will help you build a foundation for healthier relationships in the future and stabilize your self-esteem.
FAQ about the difference between love and limerence / infatuation
Who is most likely to experience limerence?
In fact, this can happen to anyone. Still, people with insecure attachment styles and childhood trauma are the most prone to limerence.
- Those with anxious or disorganized attachment, for example, may find themselves obsessing over relationships and seeking validation.
- Those who have experienced abandonment or emotional neglect as children may also be more vulnerable. For them, limerence can feel like a way to fill a void, seeking the affection they may have missed out on in the past.
What are the drawbacks of a limerence relationship?
Probably, you already understand that comparing limerence vs. love, the first one tends to be much more complicated.
In a limerence-based relationship, the emotional ups and downs can feel like a nonstop roller coaster. Intense focus on the other person often leads to relying too much on their approval, leaving little space for your growth or happiness.
Since limerence is more about fantasy than reality, it’s hard to truly connect with who they are, as you’re caught up in who you wish they were. This one-sided dynamic can be draining. And if they don’t feel the same way, the heartbreak can hit even harder.
How to break free from limerence and unhealthy infatuation?
The way to healing is unique for everyone. Yet, a few practices can help you focus on your wellness rather than a need for validation from someone.
- Study your attachment style and check whether you live with childhood trauma to change deep-rooted behavioral patterns
- Concentrate on improving your self-esteem and building a more robust internal support system
- Seek loving relationships, not limerence, and check on your current feelings regularly
- Track your emotions and feelings to recognize unhealthy patterns and change them
It may also be helpful to contact a licensed mental health professional if you feel that limerence is overwhelming and affects your well-being.
Disclaimer
This article is for general informative and self-discovery purposes only. It should not replace expert guidance from professionals.
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