It’s your birthday dinner, and, like always, it’s the “All About Mom” show. Her achievements, struggles, opinions… while your successes and needs vanish into thin air. You may feel empty and frustrated, but you can’t do anything because of your emotional dependency on your mother.
But what if this isn’t just standard mother-daughter stuff? In fact, these might be some of the 10 symptoms of daughters of narcissistic mothers.
You might say it’s ok, but then a familiar wave hits you—a mix of resentment and unease. You’re always trying to please her, worried she’ll somehow disappear or reject you if you don’t.
It’s tricky. When you’ve only ever known one way of relating to your mom, it’s hard to tell if it’s healthy or not.
But that nagging feeling you have? It might be telling you something’s off. The narcissistic behavior of your mother can leave deep scars.
So, how do you figure out if you grew up with a mom with narcissistic tendencies? Well, let’s dive into the 10 most common symptoms of daughters of narcissistic mothers experience.
10 Symptoms of Daughters of Narcissistic Moms
Growing up with a narcissistic mother can leave lasting psychological and emotional scars. If you recognize these common symptoms in yourself, know that you’re not alone and that healing is possible. Check yourself with the covert narcissistic test.
So, here are 10 experiences frequently reported by children of narcissistic mothers, with illustrative examples to help you recognize the effects of this type of upbringing.
Some symptoms may overlap with those experienced by daughters of narcissistic fathers.
1. Deep-Rooted Self-Doubt
One common struggle for daughters of narcissistic mothers is chronic self-doubt or low self-esteem.
Constant criticism and lack of validation from a narcissistic mom can chip away at a daughter’s confidence and sense of self-worth. Making decisions or feeling good about yourself can be hard when you’ve internalized so much negativity. Such dynamics may also lead to feeling like a family scapegoat.
Example: Jane, a talented artist, hesitates to showcase her work at galleries because her mother belittles her efforts, saying, “You’ll never be as good as real artists.”
2. Feeling Overwhelmed and Down
Another common issue associated with narcissistic parenting is anxiety and depression. Growing up in such an environment can be emotionally turbulent and stressful, potentially impacting your mental well-being.
It’s not uncommon for daughters of narcissistic moms to develop anxiety disorders or struggle with depression as a result. They may feel unmotivated and question themselves, wondering, “Am I lazy or depressed?”
Example: Emma often wakes up in the middle of the night with a racing heart, overwhelmed by the fear that she’s forgotten to do something important, a remnant of her mother’s constant pressure to be perfect.
3. Difficulty Saying No
Lack of boundaries can also be another symptom of daughters of narcissistic mothers. Children of narcissistic parents may never learn how to establish healthy boundaries because their mothers consistently overstepped them. This can make them vulnerable to manipulation or being taken advantage of in relationships.
Example: Lisa’s friends frequently borrow money from her without returning it, and she feels guilty setting limits because her mother always dismissed her need for personal space and autonomy.
4. Terrified of Being Left Alone
The fear of abandonment is another common experience for adult daughters of narcissistic mothers. The inconsistent love and attention from a narcissistic mom can leave daughters feeling insecure and desperate for approval. They may go to great lengths to avoid rejection, even if it means sacrificing their own needs.
Example: Sarah stays in a toxic relationship, fearing that if she leaves, she’ll end up alone, just like when her mother would give her the narcissistic silent treatment for minor mistakes, a hallmark of the cold mother syndrome.
5. Needing to Be Flawless
Growing up with unrealistic expectations and a constant need to please can lead daughters of narcissistic mothers to strive for perfectionism in everything they do.
But when they inevitably fall short and make even a minor mistake, they experience intense self-loathing and ask themselves, “Why am I such a failure?”.
This drive for flawlessness can manifest in different aspects of life, from academics and careers to personal relationships and appearance.
As a result, daughters of narcissistic mothers may develop manipulative tendencies, asking themselves, “Am I manipulative?”
Example: Mia spends hours perfecting a single project at work, afraid that any imperfection will lead to harsh criticism from her boss or potentially getting fired, mirroring her narcissistic mom’s relentless standards.
6. Putting Others First Always
Adult daughters of narcissistic mothers can develop people-pleasing behavior. From a young age, they’re used to automatically putting their mother’s needs and feelings above their own, and this pattern can continue into adulthood.
Such tendencies also can be one answer to the question, “Why do I attract narcissists?” because it’s tricky primarily for children of narcissistic mothers to assert or prioritize their well-being.
Example: Anna agrees to every social event, even when she feels exhausted or uninterested. She’s terrified of disappointing anyone because of a habit formed from years of trying to earn her narcissistic mom’s approval.
7. Overly Reliant on Others
Codependency might be another symptom of daughters of narcissistic mothers. The enmeshed relationship with a narcissistic parent can create unhealthy patterns of dependency and often lead to enmeshment trauma.
Daughters of narcissistic moms may struggle with autonomy and independence, relying on others for validation and self-worth.
Example: Rebecca feels uneasy making decisions on her own and constantly seeks validation from her partner, just as she once sought it from her mother.
8. Patterns of Unhealthy Relationships
Insecure attachment styles, often stemming from attachment trauma, are also prevalent among daughters of narcissistic mothers.
The inconsistent and invalidating emotional experiences of children of narcissistic moms can lead to a disorganized attachment style, making it difficult for them to form healthy and trusting relationships later in life.
Example: Every time Lucy’s partner goes out with friends, she worries he might never come back, stemming from her mother’s unpredictable displays of closeness, security, and affection.
9. Constantly on Edge
Dealing with a narcissistic mom and living in an unpredictable and emotionally volatile environment can put daughters of narcissistic mothers constantly on guard, making it difficult for them to relax and feel safe. Even when things feel smooth, they may anticipate chaos, often asking themselves, “Why am I so sensitive to perceived threats?”
Example: Hannah always scans the room for any signs of disapproval or criticism at social gatherings, unable to relax, much like she did at home to avoid her narcissistic mother’s outbursts.
10. Bottling up Feelings
Lastly, emotional suppression is a common coping mechanism. Adult daughters of narcissistic moms may have learned to hide their emotions to avoid their mother’s disapproval or lack of empathy.
This can lead to difficulty identifying and expressing their feelings, which can impact their relationships and overall well-being.
Example: Emily often suppresses her feelings, even with close friends, fearing they’ll see her as weak or needy. This is a direct consequence of her narcissistic mother dismissing her emotions as “overdramatic.”
The dynamics discussed can sometimes be relevant to relationships with narcissistic mothers-in-law.
Many of the symptoms and challenges experienced by daughters of narcissistic mothers, such as difficulty setting boundaries, feeling invalidated, and struggling with self-esteem, can also be present in relationships with mothers-in-law who exhibit narcissistic traits.
What is a Narcissistic Mother?
A narcissistic parent isn’t just self-centered. They may even have signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). While they might not be officially diagnosed, their actions can match the traits of this mental health condition.
A mom with narcissistic traits can be consumed with her self-image, achievements, and the constant need for approval.
Sometimes, it can even go deeper than that. Children of narcissistic parents, particularly mothers or narcissistic mothers-in-law may experience emotional abuse.
For example, such mothers might constantly criticize their daughters, or they might engage in guilt trips when they want to spend time with their friends instead of with her. Such experiences may lead daughters to feel like a black sheep of the family.
This dynamic may also lead to trauma bonding and the mother wound.
What’s more, the narcissistic mother doesn’t see them for who they are but more as an extension of herself.
Karyl McBride, the author of “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers,” continues this thought, “A narcissistic mother sees her daughter, more than her son, as a reflection and extension of herself rather than as a separate person with her own identity.
She puts pressure on her daughter to act and react to the world and her surroundings in the exact manner that Mom would, rather than in a way that feels right for the daughter. Thus, the daughter is always scrambling to find the ‘right’ way to respond.”
When discussing the impact of narcissistic mothers on their children, it’s important to recognize the different types of narcissistic mothers, as their specific behaviors can prolong childhood trauma well into adulthood. So, let’s explore this further.
Types of Narcissistic Mothers
Moms with narcissistic traits can be categorized as adaptive or maladaptive.
Adaptive narcissists are ambitious and self-assured; they value themselves, but they are not manipulative. This is completely okay, and many of us have this embedded in our core personalities.
Maladaptive narcissists are overly sensitive, crave attention, and exploit others. These are the traits we’ll be discussing.
So, how do narcissists treat their children? While all narcissistic parents are self-centered and lack empathy, they express these traits in various ways:
- Covert narcissistic mother. They often appear kind and caring but manipulate behind the scenes. They may play the victim, guilt-trip their children, and undermine their self-esteem. They can even seem more like an overbearing mother.
You could hear such things from a covert narcissistic mom like, “You know I only want what’s best for you, dear. Trust me.” (While undermining your decisions).
- Overt narcissistic mother. Such mothers are openly self-centered, demanding, and critical. An overt narcissistic mom might constantly talk about her achievements while dismissing her child’s accomplishments.
Things narcissistic mothers may say: “Look at all the awards my child won! I’m such a great mother!” or “You’re lucky to have me as your mother. You wouldn’t be anything without me.
- Communal narcissistic mother. This type of mom may use good deeds and charity work to boost their ego while neglecting their children’s emotional needs. Others might perceive her as highly compassionate or dedicated to the community, whereas her own children feel like they get the worst treatment from her.
Being raised by a communal narcissist, you have probably internalized something like, “I’m too busy helping others to deal with your little problems right now.“
- Malignant narcissistic mother. The most severe form. These are narcissistic women who are manipulative, abusive, and vindictive. Such mothers may use their children as pawns and may even try to harm them.
Examples of what she might say to her child are, “I’ll tell everyone your secrets if you don’t do what I say,” or, “You’re nothing but a burden to me. I wish I never had you.”
All of the examples provided are examples of gaslighting, a manipulative tactic that makes someone doubt their sanity, memories, or perception of reality.
Important Note: These are just examples, and the behavior of narcissistic parents can vary greatly. Some of the types can overlap.
Common Signs of Maternal Narcissism
Narcissistic mothers are really good at demanding praise and attention but often have difficulty understanding their children’s feelings. They almost don’t see them as separate people with their needs and wants.
But do narcissists love their children? Well, they have difficulty experiencing and expressing love in the way most people understand it. While they may profess to love their children and even believe they do, their love tends to be conditional and transactional.
As mentioned earlier, this doesn’t necessarily mean your narcissistic mom has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), but she may exhibit many of the associated traits.
Narcissistic mothers often:
- Think they’re way more important than others.
- Crave constant attention and praise.
- Don’t really care about how others feel.
- Feel entitled to special treatment.
- Use others to get what they want.
- Get jealous easily or think everyone’s jealous of them.
- Act arrogant and superior.
But this doesn’t mean narcissistic moms are malicious or purposely trying to hurt their children. You may ask, “Why are moms so mean, then?” Well, It’s more like a deeply rooted habit of self-preservation, and a skewed view of self-worth drives their behavior.
“Narcissists commonly cut people off and out of their lives due to their shallow emotional style of seeing others as either good or bad,” says Karyl McBride.
How to Heal Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers?
Recovering from the effects of having a narcissistic parent can be incredibly challenging, but remember that you’re not alone.
- The first step towards healing is recognizing and accepting the reality of what happened. Acknowledge how your parent’s narcissistic behavior has affected you emotionally, mentally, and perhaps even physically.
If you find it helpful, consider writing down all your thoughts and feelings. You can title it “a letter to my narcissistic mother” (though you don’t have to send it). This can be a painful process, but it’s an essential foundation for moving forward.
Reclaiming your feelings and expressing them is a step toward individual empowerment.
- Set healthy boundaries with your narcissistic mom, even if it means limiting contact, may be vital for your well-being. This might involve saying no to unreasonable demands, protecting yourself from their manipulation, or even temporarily distancing yourself from her if necessary.
It’s about prioritizing your own needs and creating a safe space for yourself to heal.
- Take extra good care of yourself. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, prioritize physical well-being through exercise or movement, and practice meditation and self-compassion. It takes time, but start rebuilding your self-esteem.
- Seek professional support if needed. It can be immensely beneficial. A therapist can provide guidance and validation, helping you process your emotions and develop coping mechanisms. Look for someone who specializes in attachment trauma and/or narcissistic parenting.
Don’t be hard on yourself if healing takes time.
