Trigger Warning: This post discusses abuse and trauma bonds.
Have you ever found yourself in a relationship that felt like a rollercoaster ride? One moment, you’re on top of the world, and the next, you’re crashing down to earth. If this pattern sounds familiar, you may have experienced trauma bonding.
Trauma bonding is a psychological response that occurs when a person experiences intense, intermittent abuse interspersed with affection or positive reinforcement.
This type of emotional attachment can be incredibly difficult to break free from, as those who have been abused often feel a strong sense of loyalty and dependence toward their abuser.
In this post, we’ll explore the seven stages of trauma bonding and provide guidance on how to recognize and escape from this harmful cycle.
7 stages of trauma bonding
Let us take a closer look at what the stages of the trauma bonding cycle might look like and give you some real examples of trauma bonding.
Stage 1: Love bombing
The first stage of trauma bonding is love bombing. This is also called “the honeymoon phase.” At this point, your partner is showering you with affection, gifts, and compliments. They’re putting you on a pedestal, and it feels ah-mazing.
You also might feel like you’ve finally found your soulmate, someone who understands you completely. That being said, abusers often use love bombing to “hook” their partner and keep them under control.
Stage 2: Trust and dependency
As you get more invested in the relationship, you may start to rely on your partner more and more. You might trust them implicitly, even when things start to feel a bit off.
What’s more, you may start neglecting other relationships or activities in favor of spending time with your partner. This stage is all about building a strong emotional connection, but it can also be a way for your partner to isolate you from your network.
Stage 3: Criticism
This is where things start to take a turn. Your partner may initiate a pattern of criticizing you, which can diminish your sense of self-worth. You could start to doubt yourself and feel like you can’t do anything right.
Your partner may nitpick your appearance, your behavior, or your choices. They may also start to withdraw affection or give you the silent treatment when you don’t meet their expectations.
Stage 4: Gaslighting
Next, an abusive partner can start playing mind games, making you question your own reality. They deny things you know happened or twist situations to make you feel like you’re the one in the wrong.
You may start to feel like you’re going crazy, and your partner may use this confusion to control you further. Gaslighting is an example of a manipulation tactic that can leave you doubting your own perceptions and intuition.
Stage 5: Resigning to control
At this point, you feel worn down. You may start to give in to your partner’s demands just to keep the peace. You may find yourself walking on eggshells, trying to anticipate your partner’s moods and needs. This can take on a form of learned helplessness.
You lose sight of your own needs and desires, focusing solely on pleasing your partner. This stage can be especially dangerous, as it can lead to a complete loss of autonomy and self-worth.
Stage 6: Loss of self
You’ve been so focused on pleasing your partner and avoiding conflict that you’ve lost touch with who you are. You may not really recognize yourself anymore.
You may have given up hobbies, friendships, or even career aspirations in order to appease your partner. This stage can be incredibly isolating and depressing, as you feel like you’ve lost yourself completely.
Stage 7: Emotional addiction
Despite the pain and chaos, you might find yourself craving your partner’s attention and affection. You’re hooked on the highs of the good times, even though the lows are devastating.
On top of that, you may feel like you can’t live without your partner, even though the relationship is destroying you. This addiction can be both psychological and physiological, as your body becomes accustomed to the highs and lows of the trauma bonding cycle. The idea of losing your partner may feel far more frightening than maintaining this status quo.
10 signs you may have trauma bonding
- You feel a strong attachment to your partner despite the presence of strong signs of emotional abuse or mistreatment in this relationship
- You make excuses for your partner’s hurtful behavior
- You also minimize its impact on yourself
- You might feel guilty even over small things you may have done
- You experience intense highs and lows in the relationship, with moments of affection overshadowing the abuse
- You feel sad or mad for no reason, as you might think
- You feel overly emotional sometimes, wondering, “Why do I get attached so easily?”
- You feel a sense of loyalty or protectiveness towards your partner, who practices abusive behavior
- Over time, in trauma-bonded relationships, you start asking yourself, “Why do I hate myself?”
- You struggle with the idea of leaving the relationship, even when you recognize its negative impact on your mental well-being
Causes of trauma bond
So, why does trauma bonding occur?
According to attachment theory, our style of attachment forms in childhood. If you have experienced childhood trauma like abuse or neglect, it can make it harder to recognize and resist abusive dynamics later in adulthood.
But why does this happen? We are social creatures, and people form bonds with each other to stay alive. Infants form attachments to the parents or caregivers they depend on, and adults form attachments to people who comfort or support them.
A trauma bond can form when an abused person’s primary caretaker also happens to be their abuser. In the same way, the abused person may seek solace in the abusive partner, even though they were the ones who inflicted the pain.
The biopsychological model interprets this as follows: those who have been abused may appear emotionally connected to the aggressor in order to effectively adapt to life-threatening situations by “calming” the perpetrator. This reaction to a life-threatening experience is also called the fawn trauma response.
The latest research, which included nearly 1,000 respondents, found a pattern: women who experience violence in intimate relationships and have symptoms of PTSD may show increased sensitivity and attachment to their abusive partners.
It is also possible that hormones are involved. Reward signals, such as an apology, a gift, or physical affection given by the abuser, reinforce the feeling of relief and set off the release of dopamine.
Another pleasant hormone that can tighten bonds is oxytocin, which is released in response to physical affection or intimacy.
Isolation and a lack of resources also play roles. Frequently, abusers isolate their partners from family and friends. Also, financial dependence or a lack of support may increase their dependence on them and make it more difficult for them to leave the situation.
What is trauma bonding?
In 1997, addiction therapist Patrick Kann first used the term “trauma bond.” In his article “Traumatic Bonds: Why People Attach to Those Who Hurt Them,” he explains this term as “dysfunctional attachment that occurs in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation” is a manifestation of how our minds respond to trauma.
Simply put, trauma bonding is a strong emotional connection that forms between an abuser and their victim.
This bond is formed through a cycle of abuse, devaluation, and positive reinforcement. When a partner constantly changes his attitude—from cruelty suddenly to praise and adoration, and vice versa—this is an example of the cycle of abuse.
It is also characterized by feelings of loyalty, empathy, and even love towards the abuser despite the presence of abusive behavior, manipulation, and mistreatment.
You may ask, “Is trauma bonding bad?” Unfortunately, it’s quite nuanced. all this mentioned above can create a strong psychological connection that negatively affects mental health, destroys self-esteem, and can lead to prolonged depression.
“At the same time, ending the relationship can trigger immense fear and emotional discomfort”, said Nicole Arzt, LMFT.
Typically, trauma bonding is prevalent in various types of abusive and toxic relationships, including intimate partner abuse, child emotional abuse, and cult involvement.
Still, it is a kind of survival mechanism that sometimes helps the abused person reconcile the abuse, looking for comfort and approval from them.
Survivors may even defend the actor of abuse and downplay the gravity of the mistreatment they have experienced due to the intensity of this connection.
Trauma bond vs. love
As we already know, a trauma bond is a strong emotional connection that forms between two people when one of the partners is being abused, neglected, or manipulated by the other partner.
This bond is formed when one person intermittently provides affection, attention, or validation to the other, creating a trauma bonding cycle of highs and lows.
The inconsistent reinforcement strengthens the attachment, making it difficult for the person to leave the relationship, even when it’s harmful. Typical characteristics of a trauma bond include:
- Intense emotional connection: Trauma bonds often feel like an intense, all-consuming emotional connection that can be mistaken for love. The ‘good times’ can feel euphoric and reinforcing.
- Inconsistent behavior: In a trauma bond, the abusive partner’s behavior is inconsistent, alternating between affection and mistreatment, creating confusion and uncertainty.
- Power imbalance: There is often a significant power imbalance in the relationship, with one person having control over the other. This can make it harder to change the relational dynamics or leave.
- Denial and justification: People in trauma bonds may deny or explain away the abusive behavior by focusing only on the good things about the relationship.
- Difficulty leaving: Despite the harmful nature of the relationship, the person in the trauma bond may find it incredibly difficult to leave. This may be due to various logistical, financial, and emotional reasons.
Love vs. trauma bond
In contrast to a trauma bond, true love is a healthy, nurturing connection between two people who respect, trust and support each other.
Love is mostly characterized by mutual care, understanding, and the desire for each other’s well-being and growth. Examples of things that make up love are:
- Mutual respect: In a loving relationship, both partners mostly respect each other’s boundaries, opinions, and individuality.
- Consistent behavior: Genuine love is characterized by consistent, reliable behavior that fosters trust and security.
- Equality: In a healthy relationship, both parties have an equal say and share power in decision-making.
- Open communication: Love thrives on open, honest communication, where both partners feel safe to express their thoughts and feelings.
- Growth and support: A loving relationship encourages personal growth and provides a supportive environment for both partners to thrive.
Trauma bond vs. Stockholm syndrome: not the same thing
All too often, people get these two terms mixed up. Essentially, Stockholm Syndrome is a psychological response that can occur in hostage situations. It is named after a 1973 bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden, where hostages developed positive feelings towards their captors.
While both trauma bonding and Stockholm Syndrome involve the development of positive feelings in the context of abuse or captivity, there are several key differences:
- Nature of the relationship: Trauma bonding often occurs in intimate relationships, such as romantic partnerships or family dynamics, whereas Stockholm Syndrome typically involves strangers in a hostage situation.
- Duration: Trauma bonding develops over an extended period of time, often months or years, while Stockholm Syndrome can develop within a matter of days or weeks.
- Abuse cycle: Trauma bonding is reinforced by the cyclical nature of abuse, with intermittent periods of affection or remorse. In Stockholm Syndrome, positive feelings develop as a response to the captor’s actions, which may include small acts of kindness within the context of captivity.
The impact of trauma bonding and the trauma bonding cycle
Trauma bonding can have a profound and long-lasting impact on survivors of abuse. Some of the common effects include:
- Difficulty leaving the abusive relationship: Trauma bonding can make it incredibly challenging for survivors to leave their abusers, as the emotional attachment is so strong that it overwrites the rational understanding of the abuse.
- Continued attraction to abusive partners: Survivors may find themselves drawn to partners who exhibit similar abusive behaviors, as the trauma bond has conditioned them to associate love with abuse.
- Low self-esteem and self-worth: The internalization of the abuser’s negative messages can lead to a distorted sense of self, self-loathing, and the belief that you are unworthy of love and respect.
- Difficulty trusting others: After experiencing the betrayal trauma or abuse, survivors may struggle to trust others and form healthy relationships.
- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): The ongoing trauma of abuse can lead to the development of PTSD, with flashbacks, nightmares, hypervigilance, and emotional numbness.
How to break a trauma bond
If you recognize these stages in your own relationship, it’s important to know that you are not alone and that the abuse is not your fault.
Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, therapist, or domestic violence hotline for support and guidance. Remember, you deserve love, respect, and safety in your relationships.
For more information on trauma bonding and resources for support, visit:
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/
- RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): https://rainn.org/
