Have you ever felt like someone went from loving you to hating you overnight, with no clear reason why? Do your relationships swing between intense closeness and painful disconnection? Have you caught yourself thinking in extremes: “They’re perfect” one day and “They’ve ruined everything” the next?
If any of this sounds familiar, you might be experiencing or witnessing a psychological pattern known as splitting. Common in people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), splitting is more than just moodiness or overreaction. It’s a deeply rooted, often unconscious way of seeing the world in black and white, especially under emotional stress.
Let’s find out what BPD splitting is, why it happens, how it affects relationships, and ways to cope.
What Is Splitting Behavior in Psychology?
Splitting is a defense mechanism of the psyche, in which a person sees the world in “black and white” tones. People who experience splitting may struggle to hold two conflicting thoughts or feelings about someone or something at the same time.
Instead of seeing people as a mix of good and bad qualities, someone with splitting behavior might label them in extreme ways. Their opinions can change quickly. For them, someone might be the “worst partner ever” one day and the “best partner in the world” the next.
While splitting is common in people with BPD, it can also appear during stress and emotional overwhelm, or in other conditions like narcissistic personality disorder, depression, or PTSD. Even people without a diagnosed mental health condition might experience moments of splitting, especially in emotionally intense situations.
Expert Insight
While splitting and mood shifts might seem very similar, these two things are actually very different. Splitting is a thinking pattern or type of cognitive distortion where a person sees things as either black or white. There is no in-between. These thoughts are often centered on relationships. So, a person who splits might think of their partner (or even themselves) as either “good” or “bad.” They think in all-or-nothing terms. This is often triggered by feeling rejected or jealous. Mood shifts, such as those seen in bipolar disorder, refer to a change or fluctuation in one’s mood state. A person’s mood might shift from being euthymic (steady) to hypomanic (elevated). The trigger with mood shifts is typically biological, although stress can play a role. Splitting is common in borderline personality disorder. Mood shifts are affective and often seen in bipolar disorder.
Emily Mendez
Mental health professional
What Does Splitting Mean in Borderline Personality Disorder?
BPD splitting can serve as a way to cope with intense emotions by categorizing experiences in a simplified and polarized way [1]. The reason is that for people with BPD, emotions and relationships often feel intense and unstable.
For instance, a person with BPD splitting might feel deeply connected to a partner one day, but after a small disagreement, they feel attacked and have absolute certainty that this person never truly cared about them. This “all-or-nothing” thinking reflects the emotional responses typical of splitting.
What Causes BPD Splitting?
In almost all cases of BPD splitting, the main cause is a deep emotional shock in the past. It “split” the picture of the world. Researchers working with BPD define three groups of factors [2]:
Stress and traumatic life situations
For example, persistent feelings of fear or abandonment in childhood, dysfunctional family roles, suppressed feelings of anger, anxiety, and sadness, or sexual, physical, or emotional abuse.
Imagine a child who feels deeply hurt by a caregiver who is also supposed to provide love and safety. The child’s brain isn’t developed enough to hold both realities at once: “This person loves me and they’re hurting me at the same time.” That conflict is emotionally unbearable. So instead, the mind “splits” the image: the caregiver becomes all bad in that moment, or all good when they’re being kind. This black-and-white thinking helps reduce inner conflict and extreme emotions.
Genetic predisposition and environmental influences
BPD can be inherited, but more often it arises as a pattern of behavior or a reaction to external stimuli. People with a close family member with BPD or other personality disorders may also be at a higher risk of developing it. For example, a child who naturally feels emotions more intensely might be more likely to develop splitting behavior if those emotions are ignored, mocked, or punished by adults.
Brain structure and function
People with borderline personality disorder splitting may have structural and functional changes in the brain, especially in areas that control impulses and regulate emotions. However, it is unclear whether these brain changes are risk factors for the disorder or a product of having the disorder.
Could childhood trauma be influencing your mental health and well-being today? Take a compassionate test to get insights.
4 Common Signs of BPD Splitting
BPD splitting can show up in many different ways, but here are some of the most common signs you might notice:
1. Idealization and Devaluation of Close Ones
People living with BPD may also flip quickly from extreme idealization to devaluation of their close ones, especially their “Favorite Person” (FP), sometimes in hours or even minutes. They may form an intense attachment to their FP and become extremely emotionally dependent on them, relying on them for constant reassurance, validation, support, and a sense of identity.
They may idolize the FP, thinking of them as perfect or above everyone else, only to later feel deeply hurt or angry if they feel rejected or abandoned, which can trigger devaluation or even cutting off the FP entirely.
For instance, if the FP texts back right away, everything feels okay. However, if they take too long or seem distant, it might trigger a spiral of anxiety, panic, or uncontrollable rage, according to research on aggression in borderline personality disorder [6]. They may feel helpless and empty, and their personality seems to be split by emotional contradictions.
2. Black and White Thinking
Black and white thinking, or all-or-nothing thinking, is seeing situations, people, or oneself as good or all bad, with no middle ground. One moment, a person with BPD may see someone as trustworthy and kind. The next moment, after a minor conflict, that same person is viewed as cruel, uncaring, or even dangerous, according to research on social cognition in borderline personality disorder [5].
Just as with others, people with splitting BPD may also see themselves in extremes and describe themselves in a confused and contradictory way. The reason is a lack of awareness of one’s identity, typical for BPD [1].
One moment, they can see themselves as perfect and capable, and the next moment, they may feel worthless, thinking, “Why do I hate myself?”. To overcome their vague and mostly negative self-image, they may constantly search for “good roles” to help them fill their identity.
Do you tend to think in black and white?
3. Alternating Between Pushing Someone Away and Wanting Them to Stay
One of the most painful signs of BPD splitting is the cycle of pushing people away and then pulling them back in. A person with splitting behavior may suddenly feel hurt, abandoned, or betrayed, even by something small, and react by cutting the other person off, saying things like “I don’t need you”. This is the splitting in action: in that moment, the person goes from being loved to being seen as entirely bad or unsafe.
But once the emotional storm passes, intense fear of abandonment and regret can rush in. They may wonder Why do I push people away? and try desperately to reconnect, feeling terrified of being alone and overwhelmed by the thought of losing that person for good. This push-and-pull can happen over and over, leaving both people confused and exhausted.
4. Losing Someone Feels Like Losing Yourself
As the FP often replaces everyone else in the life of a person with BPD splitting, their emotional connection is often so deep and consuming that the person with BPD might feel like they literally cannot function without FP. For someone with BPD, the FP becomes a kind of emotional anchor, the one person they believe can make them feel safe, loved, and seen. Their mood, self-worth, and sense of stability may rise and fall based on how their Favorite Person behaves toward them.
According to research on the clinical significance of ‘fear of abandonment‘ in borderline personality disorder, it is the root of this attachment, as well as low self-worth, and the question, Why am I so sensitive?” that a person with BPD may often ask themselves [3].
Unfortunately, because this bond can be so intense and emotionally charged, it’s unstable, exhausting for both sides, and often ends in a painful breakup [4].
Because their sense of safety, self-value, and self-worth was tied so closely to the FP, the loss doesn’t just hurt. The heartbreak can feel like a total collapse, triggering panic, deep sadness, and impulsive behavior. They may have inner questions like “Why am I such a failure?” or “Why do I feel empty all the time?”.
Expert Insight
People who split often have intense relationships characterized by highs and lows. The person may alternate between idealizing and devaluing their partner. So, one minute, they may see their partner as being perfect. The next minute, they may see them as being deeply flawed and no longer essential. The person may have a serious fear of abandonment. People who split may worry deeply about being rejected, even when there is no need to do so. They may become deeply emotionally dependent on their partner. They may need frequent reassurance. If they don’t get these things from their partner, they now see their partner as “bad” or “completely uncaring.” When their partner attempts to set boundaries, they are seen as “bad” or “unloving.” Their thoughts may change very quickly and without warning. They have extreme difficulty seeing both positive and negative aspects of a person. Likewise, they have extreme difficulty holding both negative and positive feelings at once.
Emily Mendez
Mental health professional
How Does BPD Splitting Affect Relationships with Loved Ones?
The period of splitting in BPD is accompanied by strong emotions: angry outbursts, disappointment, resentment, or a feeling of emptiness. A person may experience unbearable internal discomfort, often without understanding why this is happening. Such moments make relationships with others tense and chaotic, where people lack healthy boundaries.
Moreover, it is extremely difficult for people with BPD to gauge the optimal distance between themselves and others, especially those who are important to them. As a result, they may swing between extremes: from intense dependence and clinging to sudden hostility or manipulation, from deep gratitude to irrational rage. This constant back-and-forth can be their desperate attempt to manage the fear of abandonment while trying to feel safe and connected.
Diagnosis and Treatment Plans for BPD Splitting
A psychiatrist or psychotherapist performs a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. In the diagnostic process, they may use various methods, including:
- A physical examination and psychiatric/medical history.
- Interviewing the patient to assess symptoms and medical history.
- Questionnaires and psychological tests.
- Consulting with family to get a more complete picture.
Treatment for borderline personality disorder usually involves a combination of psychotherapy and medication. Talk therapy helps a person understand their emotions and relationships, develop emotional regulation skills, and improve self-esteem. Sometimes medications may be prescribed to relieve other symptoms, such as depression or anxiety.
This can be a long and complicated process, but statistics show that 70% of “borderlines” overcame their main symptoms during therapy within six years, and remission occurs in a third of patients after two years, according to a 6-year prospective follow-up of the phenomenology of borderline personality disorder [7].
Psychotherapy Types for Splitting Behavior
A person may consider seeking help from a mental health professional when splitting behaviors begin to negatively impact their relationships, work, or emotional stability, especially when they experience intense mood shifts, self-harm urges, or difficulty managing anger or abandonment fears.
The following psychotherapy types have been proven to be the most effective for BPD:
- Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) allows a person with BPD to realize that they can view the problems from different angles and manage black-and-white thinking.
- Cognitive-behavioral therapy helps to change the way of thinking, reactions to stress, and correct affective behavior patterns, according to research on the effect of cognitive-behavioral therapy on BPD [8].
- Mentalization (MBT) helps to explain other people’s behavior, develop empathy, logically argue their motives, and work on improving interpersonal interactions.
- Transference psychotherapy (TFP) encourages perception of positive and negative qualities simultaneously, to get out of the snap judgments and the pattern of seeing one’s life in absolute terms
- Schema therapy integrates elements of CBT and attachment theory, as well as other approaches to change behavior patterns established in childhood or adolescence [9].
Mindfulness Practices for BPD Splitting
To improve their internal state, people with BPD can also start doing mindfulness practices. They include breathing exercises, grounding, meditation, and other self-soothing techniques that may help to stop emotional breakdowns in time.
The Breeze app offers guided mindfulness sessions, emotion tracking, and personalized exercises designed specifically to help regulate intense emotional states. Whether you’re new to mindfulness or need daily support, Breeze makes it simple and accessible.
In addition to tracking your mood and writing short mood notes, you may try journaling. It can help you process difficult emotions, learn how to feel your feelings, and understand your needs.
With Breeze, you can combine all of these practices in one place. The app can give you structure, insight, and support exactly when you need it.
Frequently asked questions
1. How Long Does BPD Splitting Last?
Splitting episodes can last from a few minutes to several days, depending on the situation and emotional triggers. A person may shift between opposite views of someone several times a day, or hold onto one extreme perception for a long period. The pattern of splitting may continue until a person develops healthier ways to manage their BPD symptoms.
2. Can BPD Splitting Be Cured or Treated?
BPD splitting can’t be “cured” in the traditional sense, but it can be effectively managed. Treatments like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and mindfulness practices help a person recognize, regulate, and reduce splitting episodes.
3. Is Splitting a Sign of Borderline Personality Disorder?
Yes, splitting is a common symptom of BPD, but it can also appear in other medical conditions or intense emotional states.
4. Can You Have Splitting Without a Full BPD Diagnosis?
Yes, as splitting is a defense mechanism, some people experience it without meeting full BPD criteria to cope with intense emotions, especially under extreme stress.
5. What Is an Example of Splitting in BPD?
A common example of splitting in BPD is suddenly viewing a loved one as entirely bad or hurtful after previously seeing them as perfect or ideal.
Sources
- Fertuck EA, Fischer S, Beeney J. Social cognition and borderline personality disorder: Splitting and trust impairment findings. December 2018
- Biskin RS, Paris J. Diagnosing borderline personality disorder. CMAJ. 2012;184(16):1789–1794. doi:10.1503/cmaj.090618
- Palihawadana V, Broadbear JH, Rao S. Reviewing the clinical significance of ‘fear of abandonment’ in borderline personality disorder. February 2019
- Jeong H, Jin MJ, Hyun MH. Understanding a Mutually Destructive Relationship Between Individuals With Borderline Personality Disorder and Their Favorite Person. December 2022.
- Arntz A, Ten haaf J. Social cognition in borderline personality disorder: evidence for dichotomous thinking but no evidence for less complex attributions. November 2012
- Mancke, F., Herpertz, S. C., & Bertsch, K. Aggression in borderline personality disorder: A multidimensional model. 2015
- Zanarini MC, Frankenburg FR, Hennen J, Silk KR. The longitudinal course of borderline psychopathology: 6-year prospective follow-up of the phenomenology of borderline personality disorder. February 2003
- Arnoud Arntz. Treatment of borderline personality disorder: A challenge for cognitive-behavioural therapy. May 1994
- Gabriela A. Sempértegui, Annemiek Karreman, Arnoud Arntz, Marrie H.J. Bekker. Schema therapy for borderline personality disorder: A comprehensive review of its empirical foundations, effectiveness and implementation possibilities. April 2013
Disclaimer
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