Do you believe you’re the only who can fix things? Do you see yourself as a moral compass for others? These thoughts are common for altruistic narcissist.
Typically, altruistic narcissism is a lesser-known and more complex type of narcissism. An altruistic narcissist may disguise their selfishness with acts of kindness, making it difficult for others to recognize their true intentions.
Narcissism disguised as altruism can be especially difficult to spot because the person’s behavior may appear genuinely benevolent.
However, recognizing altruistic narcissist traits in yourself or others is crucial to changing destructive patterns and setting healthy boundaries. Otherwise, it can lead to manipulation or emotional exploitation in relationships.
What Is an Altruistic Narcissist?
Altruistic narcissists hide behind a facade of generosity and selflessness. They are especially empathetic, generous, and caring, and demand that others treat them accordingly.
Signs of altruistic narcissism may be present from the start, but they are subtle. At first, you may find yourself admiring their generosity and all they do for other people.
Once you get to know them, their kind facade quickly disappears, and you may sense hostility and aggression.
Like all types of narcissists, altruistic narcissists believe that they are superior to others and that everyone around them is incompetent and slow. They may become visibly impatient when others do not meet their impossible demands or do not give them the recognition and applause they are entitled to.
If questioned, they become aggressive and accuse others of being ungrateful for “everything I do.”
Curious if someone you know may have altruistic narcissist traits? Take our Emotional Intelligence Test to get insights and increase your empathy.
Altruistic Narcissist Traits
While people with altruistic narcissism may seem generous and kind, they may show several common narcissist traits:
1. They “Save” Others to Control
In relationships, altruistic narcissists may help their family members or bombard their partners with ‘love’ to gain control or maintain a sense of superiority.
As an example, an altruistic narcissist might offer to help their partner with tasks like paying bills or managing finances. However, they make it clear that they expect something in return, like gratitude or loyalty.
After helping, they might say things like, “You wouldn’t have gotten this far without me,” or “You really need to appreciate everything I’ve done for you.”
This makes the partner feel like they owe the person with benevolent narcissism. Thus, the altruistic narcissist sets up an emotional debt to control or manipulate their partner later.
2. They Use Help to Create Dependency
Another example of an altruistic narcissist’s power play strategy is creating emotional dependency.
For instance, an altruistic narcissistic parent might insist on “helping” their adult child with making decisions about their career or organizing their personal life, even when their help isn’t needed.
Eventually, their child may start to believe they can’t handle things without their parent’s help. This, in turn, creates a power imbalance where the person with this type of narcissism holds more control in the relationship.
Over time, in their adulthood, this child may struggle with decision-making or themes of learned helplessness. That’s common for daughters of narcissistic mothers and men with mommy issues, as constant criticism and lack of validation from a narcissistic mom can chip away at their confidence and sense of self-worth.
3. They “Show-off” Altruism
An altruistic narcissist may “show off” their kindness to gain attention and feel better about themselves. They might subtly or directly hint at their actions, sharing stories of their generosity or sacrifice.
To illustrate, they may donate to charity but make sure everyone knows about it. Or, they may volunteer in highly visible ways, such as in an event where their name will be announced.
We asked Nicole Arzt, LMFT, how childhood trauma can make a person with altruistic narcissism show off altruism.“Childhood trauma can predispose someone to altruistic narcissism. If someone learns they seek validation and acceptance from giving to others, they will continue to feel inclined to engage in those behaviors. However, it’s not so much about caring for others or making the world a better place- it’s more about fulfilling individual desires for control, power, and a sense of worth.”
4. They May Be Judgmental
Although they may appear generous, altruistic narcissists may have a harsh, judgmental side. They might criticize others for not doing enough or not being as morally upright as they are.
For example, they might belittle a friend’s choices or actions. A person with benevolent narcissism may claim others are not as virtuous or generous as they are, even though the altruistic narcissist’s acts of generosity may be self-serving.
A person with benevolent narcissism might say things like, “I can’t believe you don’t donate to this cause; it’s the right thing to do,” or “I’m always helping others—why can’t you do the same?”
They may view their charitable actions as proof of their higher moral standing. That’s why they believe they may criticize or look down on others who don’t contribute in the same way.
Nicole Arzt, a licensed marriage and family therapist, explained how people with altruistic narcissism can stop judging others and overcome the urge to compete in altruism.It’s important to remember that morality isn’t objective. Everyone has different values and backgrounds; you do not inherently make all the “right” choices. Mindfulness and deepening acceptance toward others is the first step to letting go of judgment. The next time you find yourself getting judgmental, ask yourself, “What is this judgment really about right now?”
5. They Believe They’re the Only Ones Who Can Fix Things
The benevolent narcissist may believe they can uniquely solve others’ problems, even when others don’t ask for or need help.
Commonly, their need to “fix” others is tied to their desire to be indispensable or exceptional. They may believe that without their intervention, others would be helpless.
They may be giving unsolicited advice like, “You should definitely take that job. It’s the best opportunity you’ll get. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.”
Moreover, when someone turns down their help, an altruistic narcissist might react with anger or hurt. They may view the refusal to accept their help as a rejection of their very identity as a benevolent person.
They may say, “I’m just trying to help you, but if you don’t listen, things will only get worse.”
Altruistic Narcissist Test
Altruistic Narcissist: How Does a Person Become Like This?
Unlike overt narcissist who openly seek attention, altruistic narcissists may seem humble or selfless. However, their humility is often just a way to look morally superior and earn approval.
An altruistic narcissist typically develops this pattern due to a combination of childhood trauma and deep-seated emotional needs. Here’s how it can happen:
- Emotional neglect: Often, people with altruistic narcissism grow up feeling unseen or unimportant. As a result, they may engage in “good deeds” to gain admiration or moral superiority. Thus, they may hope these actions will fill their emotional void.
- Conditional self-worth: Altruistic narcissists may tie their sense of value to how others perceive them. This can lead them to over-focus on their image and the validation they get from helping others. This trait is also common for a child of narcissistic parents, who can learn the pattern that they must earn love through actions.
- Lack of empathy: While people with altruistic narcissist traits may act generously, their actions are often driven by the need to feel better about themselves rather than true concern for others’ well-being.
- Urge to control: People with altruistic narcissism may use their “helping” behavior to manipulate or control others, positioning themselves as morally superior and deserving of admiration.
If you think your desire to help others might sometimes come from a need for approval, childhood trauma could be influencing your behavior. Take a test to understand how your past may affect your actions today.
Types of Altruistic Narcissists
Altruistic narcissists can show different types of behaviors and motivations to gain admiration, power, or control. Here are some common types:
- The Martyr: This type puts themselves in situations of sacrifice, constantly emphasizing their personal suffering for the benefit of others. At the same time, they expect admiration for their “selflessness” and can feel resentful when others don’t reciprocate.
- The Savior: People with this type of altruistic narcissism seeks out people to “rescue” and positions themselves as the only one who can help. They may also exaggerate their role or making others feel indebted.
- The Humanitarian: This type uses their involvement in charity work as a way to gain social status or admiration. They usually prioritize their image over genuine compassion.
- The Selfless Performer: These altruistic narcissists constantly engage in acts of kindness or charity, but only when there’s an audience to witness and praise their actions.
- The Hero: This type of person with benevolent narcissism needs people to see them as the central figure in any situation. They may often take credit for a group’s success to boost their reputation.
- The Moral High-Roller: People with this type of altruistic narcissism position themselves as morally superior. They may judge others for not being as “good” or as selfless, using their own deeds as proof of their moral excellence.
- The Empathizer: These people may appear highly empathetic. However, they usually care about others to gain validation and glorify themselves rather than out of genuine compassion.
How to Deal with an Altruistic Narcissist
Dealing with people with altruistic narcissist traits can be tough, as their selfless acts often come with hidden motives. Here are some strategies for healthy communication:
Sources
- JSTOR. “Exploring the Relationship Between Narcissism and Extreme Altruism.” Spring 2018.
- Forbes. “Narcissistic Altruism: On Doing Right Things For The Wrong Reasons”. November 2021.
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