Every day starts with an unspoken question, “Is it normal to hate yourself?” And every night, you go to bed, still feeling tormented.
Sometimes, this feeling may go away. You can spend time with friends, enjoy a family holiday, or take a spontaneous trip. But every time you’re alone, it arises in your head again.
You’re not alone. Sadly, millions of people all over the world live with this feeling. In this article, we’ll delve into self-loathing meaning and understand why you can feel this way.
“Why do I hate myself?” test
Please select the option for each question that resonates with you the most. Once you’re done, tally up how many times you selected each letter.
- When you look back on your childhood, what do you see?
A) It was so painful that I don’t even want to remember. My childhood wasn’t about amusement parks and cotton candy.
B) My warm and hurtful memories are mostly connected with food. I remember the most festive dinners and arguments over a family table.
C) I can’t even say. Now I’m drained from constant arguments, and my childhood seems like something from my previous life.
D) I remember my classmates making fun of me. It felt like I was always on the outside, struggling to fit in.
E) It’s difficult to say. I’m usually too exhausted to think about this kind of stuff.
- What do you think about when you look in the mirror?
A) I may look normal, but my heart handles sadness from the past.
B) I often focus on my body, wishing I could change it ASAP.
C) I see a person who only wants love, care, and support.
D) Appreciating my appearance is difficult, and I harshly criticize myself.
E) I feel a mix of sadness and hopelessness when I look in the mirror.
- Do you struggle with your body image?
A) Not really. I’ve come to terms with my body over time.
B) Yes, I often find myself comparing myself to those Instagram models.
C) It depends heavily on my partner. If I receive compliments regularly, I feel OK. But if I get criticized, it can completely throw me off.
D) Yes. I don’t like myself, no matter how I look.
E) No. I want it to help me live a fulfilling life, but sometimes it lets me down.
- How do you feel about your relationships with people around you?
A) I feel distant from my family and often question our connections.
B) I often feel judged by others, which makes me hesitant to open up.
C) I suppose my partner is toxic, but I can’t leave them.
D) I don’t feel worthy of love and often push people away to avoid rejection.
E) I feel isolated and alone, even when standing in the middle of the crowd in a concert.
- How do you usually treat yourself when you’re feeling down?
A) I often ignore my feelings, thinking they’ll go away on their own.
B) To distract myself, I may buy some sweets and overeat or, on the contrary, decide on another hunger strike.
C) I turn to other people. However, some of them can make me feel even worse than before.
D) I tell myself I’m not worth the effort, which only deepens my sadness.
E) I completely withdraw from everything and everyone, isolating myself further.
Results of self-loathing test
Now, you’re ready to find out the results.
Keep in mind that it’s impossible to cover every reason you might struggle with self-acceptance in just one quiz. Instead, we’ve highlighted the most common options.
- Most A. The answer to “Why am I so self-critical?” may lie in critical parents and childhood trauma.
- Most B. You might experience self-loathing because of body dysmorphia.
- Most C. Toxic and abusive relations with partners can make you hate yourself.
- Most D. “Why do I hate myself?” The answer may be low self-esteem.
- Most E. Your self-hate can stem from feeling helpless or powerless.
Read further to learn more about each reason.
Why do I hate myself so much? 10 reasons
“If you had a person in your life treating you the way you treat yourself, you would have gotten rid of them a long time ago…” — Cheri Huber, There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate.
Sometimes, we can be our greater enemies and the strictest critics. But why? Is hating yourself a sign of depression, or where does it come from?
Actually, there may be lots of reasons. Read further, and let’s try to understand how this happens and why many people end up with a constant feeling of self-resentment.
1. Childhood trauma
Many problems stem from issues that occur in childhood. Self-loathing isn’t an exception.
It often starts with the question, “Why don’t I remember my childhood?” and finishes with something much deeper than memory problems.
In fact, the anger of children who experienced traumatic events manifests itself as self-hatred and the belief that there is something inherently wrong with them. Why is it so?
When children face traumatic events, they sometimes internalize that it is because of their “badness.” This way, they try to make sense of trauma and rationalize their feelings.
Remember that everyone’s experience and psycho are different. Thus, childhood trauma influences people’s lives in entirely different ways.
While for some, it is almost unnoticeable, for others, it leads to significant personality changes. Whatever it affects you, it doesn’t make your experience less important.
To understand what causes self-hatred, analyze your unique path, and every sign of childhood trauma, you can take Breeze’s test. It will help you discover the point you are now and create a roadmap to healing from childhood trauma.
2. Body dysmorphia
It may start with a desire to look and feel good. But one day, people wake up with a silent question, “Why do I hate looking at myself in the mirror?”
Body dysmorphia is one of the main causes of eating disorders and internalized fatphobia. It’s also often connected with the feeling of self-loathing.
Sometimes, the cause-effect relationship may be the opposite. Self-hate can lead to destructive attempts to control eating habits as a coping mechanism. As a result, a person may develop an eating disorder that only escalates the feeling of “I hate who I am.”
Eating disorders are silent killers. It’s true. Anorexia nervosa has the highest mortality rate of all psychiatric diseases. As well as our physical health, these disorders can erode our self-esteem and internal support.
Don’t hesitate to seek support from a therapist if you feel that the situation gets out of control. It’s better to take care of your mental health now to avoid potentially worsening issues in the future.
3. Toxic relationships
Have you seen the TikTok trend #happyhouse? Users put this hashtag under videos where they draw attention to the problem of domestic violence.
While this can ultimately be dangerous for the life and physical health of the victim, even the first toxic relationship signs significantly influence mental well-being.
One of the self-loathing examples you can find in the Netflix series “You.” In the relationship between Joe Goldberg and Beck, a toxic dynamic leads to self-hate on Beck’s part. Joe, who has an obsessive and controlling personality, manipulates Beck, so she struggles to break free from his grasp and reclaim her autonomy.
The reality is quite similar. Gaslighting, manipulations, or any sign of emotional abuse may create that critical voice inside your head. It doesn’t matter whether you’re 15, 25, or 45; toxic relations can influence your mental health at any age.
Pro tip. Not only a partner but also a friend, co-worker, or even a relative may be toxic. So, being aware of your circle and limiting communication with such people is vital.
4. Low self-esteem
Hating yourself may come from a negative self-concept and poor self-image. People with low self-esteem struggle to believe that they and their opinions are important. They also tend to feel inferior to others.
But can you imagine that roughly 85% of adults worldwide have low self-esteem? It may stem from repressed childhood trauma, bullying at school or college, a stressful breakdown, financial troubles, etc.
However, the outcome is often the same. People feel so empty that they can’t find joy in their accomplishments or appreciate their worth. Living with this feeling for a very long time can result in questions like, “Why don’t I like myself so much?”
Imagine that you’ve started a fashion brand. Everything went well, and the customers had already received their clothes. Until one day, you got a bad review: “Awful material, weird fit, and terrible color.” Boom!
For a person with unstable self-esteem, one negative review can turn into a spiral of thoughts, from “I need to close the brand” to “people hate me.” Even the slightest problem can lead to self-loathing.
To improve self-esteem and stop worrying about everything, it will be helpful to start doing self-help techniques (like reading self-love quotes). Remember that your feelings matter, and you can always take a step toward well-being.
Nicole Arzt, LMFT, adds, “You are important, and you have inherent worth. You also add value to this world and to the people in your life. Try to remind yourself of this as often as possible.”
5. Depression & other mental health conditions
Hopeless, guilty, ashamed, and, of course, self-hatred. Scary combination, right? Besides, this is how people with mental health conditions can feel most of the time.
When being frustrated and trapped in a negative self-image, you need to stay aware of the most widespread cognitive differences.
- Depression
- Schizophrenia
- Anxiety disorders
- Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
- ADHD self-loathing
- Substance use disorders
Remember that negative patterns gradually loop inside people’s minds, while the outcome may be dramatic. Thus, when you notice the first warning statement, “I don’t like myself,” running in your head, it’s essential to be attentive to your mental health.
You may ask yourself, “Am I lazy or depressed?” Sadly, depression makes it hard for you to realize that your negative thoughts are influenced by mental illness.
So, if you suspect the symptoms of any cognitive difference and want to understand where the feeling of self-resentment comes from, contact your healthcare provider.
6. Constant stress
While the following reasons in the list can make you feel down or upset, they lead to the feeling “I hate myself so much it hurts” much more rarely.
Still, we find it essential to highlight them, as it can shed light on your state and help you cope with self-loathing.
Continuous stress and personal struggles may also lead to negative self-perception. Take a look at the list and consider whether you experience something similar.
- Financial problems
- Physical health problems
- Relationship issues
- Work-related stress
- Social isolation or loneliness
- Loss or grief
- Lack of support from friends or family
- Fear of failure or rejection
Life isn’t always perfect, and we may all face emotional wounds. Yet, if some problems make you think, “I hate myself and everything around me,” it may be necessary to consider professional help.
7. Feeling guilty over your past
“If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.” — Tallulah Bankhead, American actress.
People may screw up, and it’s normal. Mistakes are a part of life, and they can often teach us valuable lessons.
But while some of us step aside, draw conclusions, and forget about it, others may dwell on past errors. It’s easy to fall into a cycle of self-hatred if you run them through your head again and again.
It might stem from a guilt complex or a habit of ruminating negative thoughts. In any case, forgiving yourself for past mistakes is essential for moving forward.
8. Lack of self-care and self-compassion
“Why do I hate myself so much?” Maybe you don’t know how to love yourself.
Placing others’ needs higher than our own, setting too high standards, and trying to reach the ideal no matter what seems like paving the way to self-loathing.
This internal criticism and desire to do more than even possible can create a negative cycle. And if you don’t know how to take care of your mental and physical state, it might make it more difficult to appreciate your worth.
How to stop self-loathing? It’s better to start by identifying small ways to care for yourself — whether it’s setting aside time for your hobbies, trying journaling, or simply acknowledging your feelings without judgment.
Over time, these practices can help cultivate a healthier relationship with yourself.
9. Comparing yourself to others
“Do I hate myself? No, I just believe that others are better.”
In the social media era, it’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing yourself to Insta-models, YouTube bloggers, or TikTok influencers.
It seems like they are richer, more beautiful, and more successful.
The truth is that social media platforms allow people to show only the positive sides of their lives — no tears, no family arguments, no worries about money or anything else.
And while you compare yourself to this perfect picture, it’s easy to fall into thoughts like, “I’m not enough.” or “I hate who I am.”
10. Perfectionism
What do you feel when you have a bad day, and everything goes wrong? Sadness, anxiety, or maybe self-hatred.
Some people easily accept that there are ups and downs in everyone’s life, and it doesn’t make them feel bad about themselves. However, others take such moments to heart.
For instance, if you feel like a failure because of a minor mistake, you may start to believe you’re a failure. While obviously, it isn’t true!
Being disappointed in yourself can be normal, but allowing those feelings to define your self-worth isn’t normal at all.
It’s really tough when a bad day feels like a reflection of our worth. But for perfectionists, even small setbacks can trigger intense sadness or anxiety and lead to a cycle of self-criticism.
7 signs of self-loathing
If you’ve seen the series, “13 Reasons Why,” you probably remember the story of Hannah Baker. She experienced deep emotional pain caused by bullying and trauma.
Hannah was exhausted from self-loathing and took her own life. Nevertheless, before it, she demonstrated many signs of self-hating behavior. If noticed timely, her closest people could help her.
Let’s look at 7 signs that you hate yourself and gain a deeper understanding of this feeling.
1. Black-and-white thinking
We can describe this feeling in one phrase, “If it’s not a 100% success, it’s a failure.” Self-loathing makes us turn to extremes. The world is only white or black; people are only good or bad, etc. There are no nuances, just two polar meanings.
Feels relatable? If you don’t give room for any shades of gray or other colors in your life, it’s a warning sign. Moreover, you may constantly dwell on past mistakes, believing you’ve already ruined everything.
2. Catastrophizing
Even the most minor trigger turns into a possible nightmare in your head. It’s like a storm that starts with flapping a butterfly’s wings.
You always believe the worst possible scenario will happen, even if it’s unlikely or almost impossible. This could lead to the ultimate statement, “I hate myself,” because you can’t prevent all bad things, feeling powerless.
For instance, your manager unexpectedly booked you an additional 1:1 meeting. You don’t know the agenda and try to guess every possible scenario three days before the event. Thousands of thoughts run through your head.
You suppose that you made a significant mistake and will be fired. Then you keep imagining what you’ll do without a job and how long you’ll be able to live if no one else hires you (because you believe that you don’t deserve a good position).
Nevertheless, the meeting happens, and the manager clarifies some changes in processes inside the team. “Oh, I shouldn’t have been disappointed in myself,” you think. But the new day comes, and everything goes over — dozens of times.
3. Overgeneralization
It is even worse if people with high self-loathing have already had a bad experience. In this case, they can assume it will recur in other situations. It feels like, “Nothing good is going to happen. Never. Not with me.”
Overgeneralization is when the slightest failure can stop you from doing things you like.
“It’s unsafe. You can’t make mistakes. Not you,” this is the feeling that people with self-resentment deal with when something goes wrong.
Imagine that you start going to the gym. Every single training session feels challenging, but you keep going. Until one day, you need to skip the gym because of work. Two days later, you need to do it again because you feel sick.
That’s it, period. At this point, many people who experience overgeneralization may start believing that they’ll never be disciplined. “There’s no sense in continuing. All the results have faded away, and I will never succeed in sport.”
It’s not true. However, people experiencing self-hate tend to feel it this way.
4. Focusing on negative and ignoring positive things
When asking yourself, “Why do I hate myself so much?” try to stop for a minute and think about the last time something positive happened to you.
Many times, our mental filters focus on negative things and disqualify the good moments. People see the world as a dangerous and scary place. Moreover, research proves that 80% of our thoughts are negative.
How does it influence our life? Well, let’s imagine a hypothetical situation.
It’s your birthday today. You’ve received many presents, and people have sent you their best wishes. The day is shaping up to be wonderful. You’re expecting your best friends to come and celebrate with you, but one of them feels sick and doesn’t come.
Instead of appreciating the positive aspects of your day, you dwell on the disappointment of your friend not showing up. The holiday is now ruined.
The truth is that bad things happen, as well as positive ones. It might be challenging to focus on one aspect of our lives. Nevertheless, if you perceive everything only from the negative side and don’t see things getting better, it may be a noticeable self-loathing sign.
5. Emotional reasoning
Let’s remember the Netflix movie “The Queen’s Gambit” and its main character, Beth Harmon. She truly believes that her worth as a chess player depends on her ability to win games. Beth often takes her feelings as facts, which leads her to substance abuse to cope with anxiety and self-doubt.
The reality is quite similar. Feeling like a failure before the competition? Emotional reasoning may lead you to believe that you’re destined to lose. Planning a trip and being sure that something will go wrong? You’ll worry all the time even if everything goes smoothly.
Even though some people may think that self-hate is good because it makes them more careful and attentive. But in reality, it leads to constant stress and anxiety without any real reason.
6. Being Hard on Yourself
“I hate being me. Period. I don’t deserve love, happiness, or a great future. I’m not good enough. I’m not allowed to make mistakes. If I fail, I will never forgive myself.” Many people with self-loathing think this way.
Sadly, for many of us, it’s difficult to acknowledge how worthless we feel. Self-hate usually leads to an inability to fail. You may blame yourself for every single mistake, even if you made it years ago.
Lying in bed for hours and thinking about a better way to answer the bully from the high school? It doesn’t matter that you had that conversation 12 years ago! Often, these thoughts may lead you to a vicious cycle of self-blame and resentment, holding you back from moving forward.
7. Seeking approval
When you lack internal support, other people become your sole source of encouragement. Seeking approval is normal, and most of us want to feel appreciated. Nevertheless, when the question “Why do I hate myself?” arises, external support can become the only thing that drives you in life.
People who experience self-loathing often try to fit in but quite rarely feel at ease. They constantly need validation and approval, as if others’ opinions are much more important than their own.
Additionally, their self-esteem may be unstable and vary based on how people interact with them.
Let’s try to understand where this feeling of self-loathing comes from. In the next section, we’ll analyze the underlying causes and triggers that may influence your well-being now.
What is self-loathing?
“To one’s enemies: “I hate myself more than you ever could.” ― British author Alain de Botton.
Self-loathing is a pattern of thoughts that makes people feel worthless, miserable, and ashamed. This can lead to a total belief that a person doesn’t deserve anything positive, which influences all areas of life.
Such people have low self-esteem and tend to deal with questions like, “Why do I feel guilty all the time?”
Most often, this happens because of a strong inner critic that makes people struggle because of the most minor mistake. A low inherent worth is one more cause of self-loathing.
Here are some statements people experiencing self-hate may resonate with:
- “I’m worthless.”
- “I’m a failure.”
- “Nobody could ever love me.”
- “I’m stupid.”
- “I don’t deserve happiness.”
- “I’m a burden to others.”
- “I don’t deserve success.”
- “I’m unlovable.”
- “I’m gross or disgusting.”
- “If people really knew me, they would be horrified.”
- “I hate myself so much, and it hurts.”
These expressions of emotional pain come from extreme self-criticism and the belief that you’re not good enough. But you are! Everyone is important, valuable, and good enough, no matter what happens in our lives.
Do you feel that the inner critic is too strong? Understanding what happens will help you take the first steps to emotional resilience. Take a well-being test from Breeze to get personalized insights and get a free plan to feel better.
Is it normal to hate yourself?
Many of us understand that ruining feeling of self-hate that follows you wherever you go and brings an overwhelming sense of worthlessness and shame. You feel trapped in a cycle of negative emotions that make you constantly berate yourself for past mistakes.
Feeling guilty or frustrated occasionally is normal, and everyone may experience it from time to time. However, self-loathing is an alarming sign that something is off.
Harsh inner criticism can significantly influence your well-being and quality of life. Moreover, it can signal severe physical and mental health problems, like eating disorders, depression, anxiety disorders, and more.
So, if you find yourself thinking, “Why do I hate looking at myself in the mirror?” or something like that, please pay more attention to your feelings and reach out for help.
Check out the most common signs that you face self-hate and too harsh inner critic.
What to do when you hate yourself?
Here is a pro tip from Nicole Arzt, LMFT, “Self-loathing can be insidious and difficult to overcome. Many people are so used to being critical of themselves that kindness feels foreign. That said, practicing self-compassion can go such a long way in building a healthier relationship with yourself.”
Talk to your inner critic
Once you understand what causes your self-hatred, it may be easier to start seeing yourself in a more positive light.
Here’s a comment from Reddit that’s worth reading, “That seems to be negative self-talk, just a reminder you can not improve yourself if you criticize yourself. Start with writing things you love about yourself, start with practicing thankfulness, and think about people who love you.”
A significant step is to stop defining yourself by your flaws or mistakes. These are just parts of your life. They’re not who you are.
Focus on the small wins
You don’t need to start loving yourself overnight. Of course, all of us would be happy to get quick results. But in reality, baby steps are incredibly important.
Everything you do to feel better and stop thinking, “I hate being me,” deserves celebration.
Any positive look in the mirror, a compliment you truly accept, or “no” when you don’t want to do something is a big achievement. Please remember it.
Give yourself the same kindness you’d show to a good friend
You wouldn’t definitely tell your friends that they are the worst people on Earth, right? So, why do you allow yourself to think about you this way?
Self-loathing stops when positive self-talk enters the room. You shouldn’t only say good things about yourself; you should also do good things to yourself and truly believe that you deserve them.
To sum up
When experiencing overwhelming self-hate thoughts and living day-to-day feeling empty inside, it’s crucial to find a helping hand that will navigate you through life’s challenges.
You may try self-help techniques, ask loved ones for support, or work with a therapist. There are many worthwhile ways to build emotional resilience.
Stay attentive to your well-being with Breeze, and let’s start the journey to happiness together. The result is worth it.
