Have you ever heard from your partner something like “I feel like you’re not really here with me” or “You never open up to me”? Maybe they told you, “It feels like you don’t care about how I feel,” even though it’s absolutely not true? These situations can make you think, “How to be emotionally available?”
If you’re wondering how to become more emotionally available to your partner, here is some advice to help you build a more connected relationship.
What Does It Mean To Be Emotionally Available?
Emotional availability is the ability of two people to connect with each other on an emotional level for a healthy and strong relationship [1]. Generally, being emotionally available means being open, responsive, empathetic, and present.
Ultimately, emotional availability involves being able to express your feelings honestly and without fear of judgment while also being willing to listen to and support the feelings of others.
“Being emotionally available means being present, engaged, and open with your partner. Ways to do this include openly sharing feelings, listening to your partner, and being vulnerable. Vulnerability and openness are two important key indicators of emotional availability,” – says Emily Mendez, M.S., EdS.
5 Signs You Are Emotionally Available
If you know how to be emotionally available, you can manage the ups and downs of life and relationships with empathy, vulnerability, and understanding. Here are some other clear signs of emotional availability:
1. You Are Open About Your Feelings
You express your emotions honestly and aren’t afraid to talk about your feelings. Therefore, you can communicate your emotions without bottling them up, whether it’s happiness, sadness, fear, or love. For example, when you return from work, you tell your partner, “I’ve had a tough day, and I’m tired.”
2. You Can Be Vulnerable
You’re comfortable being vulnerable and allow yourself to share personal, sometimes tricky, emotions. You understand that vulnerability may strengthen connections with people. Thus, you express emotional availability and share personal stories with your partner without worrying about being judged or rejected.
3. You Listen Without Judging
When people share their feelings with you, you listen actively without interrupting or offering advice unless asked. You know how to be emotionally available if you listen to understand, not to fix.
As an illustration, when your partner tells you about their day, you listen attentively, sometimes adding supportive comments. Instead of saying, “Well, you should just do this,” it’s more empathetic to say: “That sounds tough. I’m sorry you’re feeling that way.”
4. You Are Empathetic
You make an effort to understand how others feel and offer support when they need it. In this way, you show that you care by validating their emotions.
For instance, if your partner is upset, you can show emotional availability by saying, “I understand how you’re feeling. That would upset me, too.”
5. You Are Non-Defensive
You don’t get defensive when someone says you’ve hurt their feelings. Instead, you listen and try to understand where they’re coming from to fix things.
We asked Emily Mendez, M.S., EdS, how to stop being defensive in arguments.
Being defensive might feel good at the moment. But, it causes problems later. To avoid being defensive in arguments, don’t rush to defend yourself. Instead, listen to what the other person is saying. Listening to the other person helps them feel heard and understood.
13 Tips on How to Become Emotionally Available
Being emotionally available also means getting to know yourself better, learning how to connect with others in a real, open way, and how to be the best version of yourself. Here are some tips on how to become more emotionally available:
1. Make Time for Your Partner
Among others, showing emotional availability means spending time together to connect with your partner. You can try setting aside time for regular “check-ins” where both of you share how you’re feeling and discuss any issues in the relationship.
Plan activities for emotional closeness, where you can connect emotionally without distractions, for example:
- Have a “no phones” night. Set aside one evening a week where both of you put your phones away and just focus on each other. Take time to talk about your dreams, fears, and anything that’s on your mind. It may be date night at the restaurant, a game for couples, or simply chatting during cooking or baking at home;
- Take walks together. Walking side by side, especially in nature, can be really calming. It’s a chance to talk without distractions or just enjoy the quiet;
- Create a shared playlist. Put together a playlist of songs that mean something to both of you. Music is a great way to connect emotionally and create memories;
- Do a hobby together. Whether it’s painting, gardening, or playing a sport, doing something you both enjoy can create special moments and deepen your relationships;
- Cuddle or hold hands. Physical closeness, like cuddling or holding hands, is a simple but powerful way to stay emotionally connected;
- Take turns giving each other compliments. Spend some time saying what you love and appreciate about each other. It boosts positivity and helps you feel more valued;
- Plan a future trip or adventure. Dreaming and planning something exciting together can give you both something to look forward to, and the planning process can bring you closer.
2. Be Consistently Present
Make sure you’re there for your partner, not just physically but emotionally when they need you. Let’s say your partner is having a rough day. Sit with them, listen without judgment, and provide emotional reassurance. Don’t just be near them—be there for them.
Avoid distractions like checking your phone or watching TV when your partner is trying to share something important. Give them your undivided attention.
3. Be Receptive to Their Emotions
How to be emotionally available? Stay open to your partner’s feelings. When your partner opens up to you, be receptive and avoid shutting them down or dismissing their emotions.
If your partner says they’re sad or upset, show empathy. Instead of offering quick solutions, try saying, “I can see your emotions. Do you want to talk about it? Your feelings are important to me.”
Avoid minimizing your partner’s feelings. Phrases like “It’s not a big deal” or “You shouldn’t feel that way” can make your partner feel unheard.
4. Offer Emotional Reassurance
Provide comfort and affirmation if you wonder how to become more emotionally available. Show your partner that you care by offering emotional reassurance, especially in moments of uncertainty or insecurity.
For example, if your partner feels insecure about their appearance or performance, reassure them by saying, “I think you’re amazing, and I love everything about you.”
5. Engage in Deep Conversations
Make time for meaningful talks. Emotional availability involves being willing to talk about things that matter on a deeper level—beyond surface-level discussions. Instead of just discussing your day-to-day activities, talk about your dreams, fears, and the deeper aspects of your relationship.
Helpful Tip
Ask open-ended questions that help your partner share more, like “What’s been on your mind lately? ” or “How do you feel about what’s coming up?”
6. Be Patient in Tense Conversations
When things get emotional, try to stay calm. If your partner is upset, take a moment to think before you respond. Sometimes, just listening without defending yourself is the best thing you can do. It shows maturity and emotional availability.
7. Follow Through on Promises
Want to know how to be more emotionally available? Show your partner that you are dependable and that they can trust you to keep your word. Thus, if you promise to spend quality time together or attend an important event, follow through.
8. Support Their Emotional Growth
Encourage their personal development. Emotional availability also means supporting your partner’s growth—emotionally and personally.
As an example, if your partner is trying to improve their emotional intelligence or manage obstacle-filled situations better, encourage them and provide support along the way. You may say something like, “I’m proud of you for working on your mindfulness—it’s inspiring!”
9. Apologize Sincerely When Needed
Wondering how to become emotionally available? Own your mistakes. If you hurt your partner, show emotional availability by apologizing sincerely. Acknowledge their feelings and the impact of your actions.
In this case, you can express your regret, “I’m sorry for raising my voice earlier. I know it upset you. Can we talk about it?”
A sincere, warm apology can show maturity, trust, and emotional availability. Avoid defensive language and focus on how your actions affected your partner.
10. Show Love in Ways Your Partner Appreciates
Apply the love languages theory in your life. It says that everyone likes to feel loved differently. So, try to pay attention to how your partner likes to accept affection or ask them to think about what makes them feel most loved.
Some people enjoy kind words or compliments, while others feel loved through physical touch or actions like helping out. Experiment with different love languages to determine which appeals to your partner the most.
Additionally, you can look into their previous relationships—they may mention where their ex-partners failed.
11. Respect Emotional Boundaries
What does it mean to be emotionally available? One of the main factors is respecting your partner’s emotional boundaries.
First of all, if your partner needs space to process their feelings or doesn’t want to discuss something yet, you should respect it. Let them know you’re a safe, supportive person to talk to whenever they’re ready.
Avoid pressuring them to share before they’re comfortable. Be patient if they take time to open up.
12. Don’t Expect Your Partner to Guess Your Needs
Emotional availability also means sharing with your partner if you need reassurance, affection, or quality time. A recent study published in the International Journal of Research in Education found that talking openly and honestly helps both of you understand what you need and figure out how to meet each other’s needs [2].
For instance, you can always suggest, “I think I’d feel better if we spent more time together. How about we plan a movie night this weekend?”
It doesn’t have to be a big thing, just a simple way to express your needs.” Being clear about your emotional needs helps keep the relationship strong and ensures you’re both on the same page.
13. Don’t Be Afraid of Silence
Sometimes, silence is actually helpful in a relationship [3]. It can give both of you space to think and feel without the pressure to talk. Being okay with silence shows that you’re comfortable with your partner’s feelings, whether they want to chat or just need some time to process.
So, if your partner’s feeling low and isn’t saying much, don’t feel like you need to talk right away. Just sitting together quietly can be enough to show your emotional availability and that you’re there for them.
