Hello, I am Emily Mendez, a mental health author and former psychotherapist. In this article, I will share with you my insights on how to stop overthinking after being cheated on. These insights come from my many years in clinical practice.
Are you wondering how to stop overthinking after being cheated on? It’s normal to feel shock and betrayal. You’ve just discovered that someone you trusted isn’t who you thought they were.
Over time, self-doubt and insecurity can also creep in. Why didn’t I see the signs? Did I do something to cause this? Am I unlovable?
The psychological effects of being cheated on can take us down. Here are 15 tips for how to heal after being cheated on.
How to Stop Overthinking After Being Cheated On
In my experience as a therapist, being cheated on can be one of the most devastating experiences a person can go through. Overthinking is often a sign of trauma from being cheated on. You think that being able to anticipate the next betrayal will protect you. It won’t. Here’s how to get over cheating.
1. Stop Picturing Them With the Other Person
One of the hardest parts of uncovering infidelity is what your imagination does with the information. It’s common to run scenarios in your head. You might have vivid reels of them being with the other person. You might picture:
- Your partner takes them to places you enjoy.
- Your partner in your shared home or bed with them.
- Sneaking around at work.
- Creeping around at hotels.
- Secret sexting happening inches from you.
None of this is productive! It doesn’t matter if you’ve decided to stay or leave. By constantly picturing the betrayal, you’ll stay stuck.
2. Don’t Compare Yourself to the Other Person
Knowing who they cheated with brings a special type of pain. Insecurity will creep in. Many people compare themselves to the other person after infidelity. Getting into a one-sided competition only drags you down!
What happens when the cheated-on person becomes obsessed with the person their partner cheated with? They often think more about the other person than the unfaithful partner.
Or they may spend hours comparing themselves to the other person. They will also stalk the other person’s social media or invade their personal space.
You could even end up in a dangerous scenario if you let resentment or obsessive thoughts take over. Do not indulge the urge to invade the other person’s space.
This includes driving by their house or visiting their work. It also includes “stalking” them on social media. Getting further entangled only makes it harder to stop obsessive thoughts.
There’s something important to understand. Most people don’t cheat because they want something better. Some just want novelty. Others are habitual cheaters. It’s not about the other person being “better.” In most cases, they were simply there at the right time.
3. Don’t Get Distracted by the “Why”
It’s normal to want to dissect every step of the betrayal after discovering infidelity. You feel entitled to answers.
In truth, your partner may not even know why they did it. For example, they may be too wrapped up in anxiety and guilt after cheating to give you clear answers.
Or they may simply say what they think you want to hear. Another example is that they may not be aware of the childhood wounds that cause them to cheat. They may also blame you to feel better.
Many serial cheaters have attachment trauma or similar afflictions. A common sign is that they pull away when things get tough. Cheating is the ultimate form of pulling away. It’s truly not about you.
One of the tips for how to heal from being cheated on is to let go of the why. If you want to stay together, therapy will be important.
Therapy is a place where the underlying roots of infidelity can be discussed. You will both have a chance to take ownership of your role in relationship dysfunction.
Of course, you could discover that you’re with a serial cheater. Put “why” on hold until you can discuss your relationship with a counselor.
If you’re not staying, let go of “why” completely. Finding out won’t help with healing.
4. Work on the Fear of Being Betrayed
Most people will tell you to let go of the fear of being betrayed. I’m not going to do that. As a therapist, I know it goes deeper.
If you feel like you have OCD fear of being cheated on, you likely have trauma. Betrayal trauma is common after cheating. Signs include:
- Hypervigilance: You’re on guard against betrayal. You may have a constant fear of being cheated on.
- Self-harm: You’re hurting yourself to manage emotions.
- Sleeplessness: Sleep is suffering since discovering cheating.
- Poor eating: You’re coping with food.
- Chronic pain and health issues: Your body is living out the betrayal.
Common tips for how to heal from being cheated on won’t work with trauma. You need to seek support. Anyone can suffer from betrayal trauma.
However, you may be at higher risk if you suffered parental betrayal. Cheating can feel like your wounds are being ripped open again.
5. Stop Comparing This Time to Others
I’ve been cheated on in every relationship! Why do I keep getting cheated on?
It’s normal for our brains to look for patterns. Being cheated on more than once can make us think it’s our fault, but the statistics say otherwise. Sadly, the average person can expect to be cheated on in their lifetime.
According to a 2022 YouGov poll, more than half of adults who were surveyed said that they were cheated on while in a monogamous relationship. In this survey, cheating included both emotional and physical forms.
Take heart! Being cheated on isn’t a “you” problem. For better or worse, it’s a part of adult romantic relationships.
6. Have Empathy
I know this one is hard. Just bear with me.
Your cheating partner could also be in pain. Humanizing them could help you to heal. A 2023 analysis found that cheating can negatively affect the emotional well-being of the unfaithful person. It can also cause depressive symptoms and promote remorse and shame.
How does this help with how to stop overthinking after being cheated on? Infidelity stings when you feel like you’re the only one hurting.
Realizing that the cheater also lost something is poignant. It can help you not feel so isolated in your pain.
7. Don’t Pursue Revenge
Who said holding a grudge is like drinking poison while waiting for the other person to die? They definitely met a few cheating victims in their day. Revenge is the natural instinct after being cheated on. Here’s why you shouldn’t do it:
- You won’t feel better. In my experience, no one is satisfied by revenge.
- It won’t relieve cheating anxiety in your next relationship.
- You could take it to a dangerous place.
- You could harm yourself or get in legal trouble.
8. Consider That It’s More Than Just Overthinking
Are you having obsessive thoughts about your spouse cheating years after the fact? It might not be simple overthinking. Obsessive thinking is a sign of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
According to researcher findings, the evidence suggests that infidelity may trigger PTSD symptoms. It may also put a person at high risk for psychological health problems.
You may be more likely to have cheating PTSD if the following apply:
- You have a history of prior trauma or daddy issues.
- You were cheated on multiple times in your life.
- Your partner is a habitual cheater.
- Cheating came as a total shock and surprise.
- The infidelity was with someone close to you.
- The infidelity lasted for years.
- The infidelity was compounded by financial infidelity.
You can’t “pep talk” your way out of PTSD. We’re not talking about just a broken heart. The rules for how to stop overthinking after being cheated on don’t apply. Consider taking a childhood trauma test to assess your risk.
9. Make a Fresh Start
If you’re wondering how to stop overthinking and move on from infidelity, the answer could be to actually move. A fresh start can help. This applies if you have decided not to stay after cheating.
First, move out. Don’t share a home with a cheater once the relationship is over.
Next, consider moving further away. That could be a new neighborhood, city, or state. The healing period is a great time to advance to a new job.
I like this piece of advice for you if your partner was the main reason you stayed in an area. Mastering how to heal from being cheated on is harder when everything in a place reminds you of them. You also lack the support system to heal.
Of course, there are some caveats. I’m not suggesting that you uproot your life if you have a family. I’m also not saying to leave a support system. However, an untethered person could consider moving out to move on.
10. Get a Change of Scenery
Let’s say that tip #9 doesn’t apply to you. A simpler tip for how to stop overthinking and get over cheating is a scenery change. Take a vacation! Exploring a new place reminds us that the world is bigger. We can get perspective.
11. Don’t Look at Their Social Media
I saw the way social media intensified breakups firsthand in my practice. How long does it take to get over being cheated on? Healing from a breakup takes six to 12 weeks for most. It can take much longer when we’re checking an ex’s social media.
Keeping up with an ex online keeps the wound fresh. I highly recommend that you make a clean break instead.
12. Don’t Hook Up If You Break Up
13. Don’t Watch Them Like a Hawk If You Choose to Forgive
Here’s why worrying about cheating is pointless. People are going to do what they’re going to do. Distrust is one of the long-term infidelity effects.
Unfortunately, suspicion can ruin a relationship. Snooping, accusing, and watching your partner like a hawk makes moving on impossible. You’ll just feed into a cycle of cheating anxiety.
14. Write It Down
Journaling is therapeutic. Writing down your cheating experience gives you an outlet for expression. This could help to stop obsessive thoughts about being cheated on, and it really works!
A 2019 study found that a six-week writing intervention decreased stress in those experiencing trauma. This intervention also increased emotional resilience. Also, it cuts down on ruminating and depressive symptoms.
15. Don’t Make This Your Identity
You’re bigger than being cheated on. It’s easy to adopt a victim mindset after infidelity. Don’t let cheating define your worth.
Strongly identifying as a person who has been “done wrong” reinforces ruminating behaviors.
FAQs
Here are some answers to the most common questions that people often have about cheating.
Why do I keep getting cheated on?
There are many reasons why a person may cheat. It may not be you. Infidelity is common. More than half of people report being cheated on. Being comfortable with vulnerability is the best way to learn how to trust again and stop overthinking after being cheated on.
Why worrying about cheating is pointless?
After being cheated on, many people constantly worry about when the next infidelity will occur. There’s no way to stop someone who wants to cheat. Cheating anxiety causes us to obsess over something we can’t control. We may even push partners away with accusations.
How long does it take to get over being cheated on?
There’s no set timeline for getting over the effects of infidelity. Healing together and building trust is a lifelong journey if you choose to stay.
As a result of the cheating, you could develop irritability, anxiety, sleep problems, and depression. These issues could take years to heal. However, everyone is different. You could also be over it in a few weeks.
What are the psychological effects of being cheated on?
If you have been cheated on, it can take a toll on your mental health. Infidelity can contribute to depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. It can also trigger unresolved childhood trauma related to distrust or neglect.
Can I have trauma or PTSD from being cheated on?
Being cheated on can be emotionally devastating. As a result, some people develop what researchers call “post-infidelity stress disorder,” or PTSD. This disorder occurs after finding out a loved one has been unfaithful. It includes symptoms that are similar to those of PTSD. It’s important to seek help if you’re overthinking after cheating.
How to move on after being cheated on?
One of the best ways to move on and stop overthinking after being cheated on is to focus on leaning on the support of loved ones. Also, consider joining an online or in-person support group.
