How to tell if I am self-sabotaging in relationships

Key points

• Self-sabotage in a relationship occurs when a partner (often without a conscious goal) acts in a way that might lead to a breakup.

• Why do people self-sabotage relationships? The most common answers are childhood trauma, insecure attachment style, and learned behavior from the past. 

• The most common signs of self-sabotage in relationships are constant criticism, emotional unavailability, avoidance, lack of commitment, disrespectful behavior, etc.

What are self-sabotaging relationships?

Self-sabotaging in relationships means that people — consciously or unconsciously — engage in behaviors that threaten, harm, and even ruin their relationships.

At first glance, this behavior often seems unintentional. However, a person usually has hidden reasons for doing this (even though they might not recognize or understand them themselves).

As a rule, engaging in a self-sabotaging relationship means pushing a partner away, meeting an important need, or looking for reasons to break up. You may not even notice it, but a permanent lack of commitment, emotional unavailability, or nitpicking can be the first signs that you might self-sabotage in your relationships.

Why do I self-sabotage my relationships?

This often comes from destructive inner thoughts and constant belief that you’re not enough. It can also be a form of wanting to maintain a sense of control, especially because relationships highlight themes of lacking control. Even though some people might not realize it, there can be statements dwelling in their heads like:

• “I don’t deserve to be loved.”
• “They’ll leave me eventually, so I might as well end it first.”
• “If they really knew me, they wouldn’t want to stay.”
• “It’s better to leave before they hurt me.”

These thoughts may linger in the back of your mind, quietly affecting how you act and making you self-sabotage the relationship. 

Read further to discover why they may appear and how to break down from the cycle.

Causes self-sabotaging in relationships

James Cook University’s research found that “Defensiveness is the stronger factor contributing to relationship self-sabotage… Lack of trust is also a strong contributor.” [1]

Typically, the main drivers of both causes lie in our fears.

• Fear of abandonment. Most people who engage in self-sabotaging dating feel scared to open up and be vulnerable. To avoid emotional closeness and the risk of being left by their partners, they create distance in relationships. Research also proves that such self-sabotaging behavior can be a form of self-protection. [2]

• Fear of engulfment. Another side of the coin is that some people are afraid to lose their identity and get too dependent on their partners. This fear of intimacy can lead to hyper-independence and a desire to avoid something more serious than another “situationship.”

Both fears are often rooted in past experiences or unresolved emotional wounds.

So, “Why am I self-sabotaging my relationship?” Let’s delve even deeper so you find out how they may apply to you.

Childhood trauma

According to the Makin Wellness research team, “Childhood trauma can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors as a way to cope with intense emotions and feelings of insecurity. It can also stem from a deep-rooted belief that you are not worthy or deserving of happiness and success due to past experiences.” [3]

While this statement covers self-sabotage focused on a person’s life in general, it can also apply to self-sabotaging in a relationship.

Abuse and neglect in childhood break trust and create a lasting fear that love always brings pain. 

As children, people can’t escape those harmful relationships. But later, as adults, they choose to end or avoid any close connections — even healthy ones — because their fear convinces them it’s safer to leave before getting hurt.

Plenty of traumatizing experiences can lead to self-sabotage in relationships, including:

• Growing up in a dysfunctional family or toxic family
• Abandonment trauma
• Betrayal trauma
• Living with narcissistic parents
• Parentification trauma, etc.

As a result of living with such emotional baggage, people start to believe, “I’m better off on my own.” Over time, these patterns become a defense mechanism, even if it means sacrificing the chance for genuine love and connection.

Attachment style

While it can also stem from childhood trauma, attachment style may also change later in life. [4]

Often, someone who sabotages relationships may experience attachment issues and live with avoidant attachment or fearful-avoidant attachment styles.

People with avoidant attachment often pull back emotionally because they’re scared of getting too close or losing their independence. 

Meanwhile, those with anxious-avoidant attachment can feel like “stuck in a cycle” — they want closeness but also fear rejection, leading to a constant back-and-forth in their relationships. 

Both these patterns can make it hard to build strong, healthy connections and may turn into self-sabotaging love.

Learned behavior

When we get burned too many times, we start avoiding the fire. The same happens with relationships. Nobody wants to get hurt, so people strive to protect themselves from pain whenever possible. 

If you’ve faced heartbreak or your partner displayed the signs of self-sabotaging behavior, you might unconsciously learn to protect yourself.

Paired with unstable self-esteem and underlying trust issues that often stem from past wounds, the tendency to avoid closeness gets even stronger. 

As a result, someone may ask, “Why do I push people away?” without even understanding that the reason lies in this learned pattern.

10 signs of a self-sabotaging relationship

Here are the most common signs of self-sabotaging behavior in relationships. Think if any of them feel familiar to you.

1. Lack of commitment
2. Gaslighting
3. Jealousy
4. Criticism
5. Avoidance
6. Emotional unavailability
7. Holding gurgles
8. Disrespectful behavior
9. Cheating
10. Changing partners one after another

Please note that if you notice only one or two of the signs, it doesn’t necessarily mean you engage in self-sabotaging behavior in relationships. Any of the patterns can stem from numerous reasons.

Yet, if a few or more signs keep showing up in your relationships, it’s a good idea to take a step back and reflect. But noticing them is the first step to breaking the cycle and creating healthier, happier relationships.

1. Lack of commitment

You try to avoid engaging in anything serious when it comes to your dynamic. Meeting your partner’s parents, moving together, or even officially acknowledging that you’re in a monogamous relationship feels like something scary.

Suppose your partner tells you they need more certainty and security while you try to avoid it in any possible way. In that case, it’s a sign of anxiety and self-sabotaging relationships. 

The reason why this happens may be in your hidden desire to be able to leave a person easily. When there’s no commitment, as soon as anything goes wrong, you can simply disappear.

At the same time, when you’re married or live together, it isn’t that simple. So, it’s just an unconscious desire to avoid hurtful consequences.

2. Gaslighting

It’s a form of manipulation and emotional abuse someone might use to make their loved one question their feelings and experiences. 

In a self-sabotaging relationship, a person might gaslight when they think another’s emotions aren’t valid, genuine, or valuable.

For instance, if one partner says they feel hurt because they were ignored, the other might respond with, “You’re being too dramatic. I wasn’t ignoring you,” or “That’s not what happened. You’re making things up.” 

This kind of response makes the other person lose trust in their perspective. When it happens regularly, this can create a toxic cycle where one partner feels unheard while the other avoids accountability for their actions. 

3. Jealousy

You constantly worry that your partner might be secretly involved with someone else, and this drives you crazy. You argue about it again and again, which creates tension and mistrust that slowly chips away at the foundation of your love.

You might question, “Am I self-sabotaging my relationship this way?”

In reality, jealousy is a common emotion ranging from normality to pathology. [5]

Jealousy happens to everyone, and there’s nothing wrong if you feel uncomfortable about certain situations that seem suspicious or threaten your sense of security. Yet, if your jealousy turns into feeling the need to control every aspect of your partner’s life, this seems like one of the signs of self-sabotaging relationships.

4. Criticism

• “Why do you always have to make me feel like I can’t trust you?”
• “If you really cared about me, you’d think about my comfort beforehand.”
• “Why do you even bother being in this relationship if you want to wear clothes like this?”

In self-sabotaging relationships, criticism can cover all aspects of a couple’s life. People might criticize their partners literally for anything — from over-salted pasta to “excess” weight and unwillingness to spend all free time serving a loved one.

It all stems from an unconscious desire to potentially devalue a partner, leave a relationship, and honor a hidden desire to “legitimatize” this breakup. It was their fault that you didn’t manage to stay together, right?

5. Avoidance

What is one more self-sabotaging relationship strategy? You simply avoid talking after conflicts and discussing problems in general. 

“Everything is fine.” In fact, it isn’t. It clearly isn’t.

This constant silence leads to one thing: nothing changes and you engage in the same conflicts again and again. Or you stop having conflicts, but it’s obvious that tension still exists. Avoidance creates a barrier that prevents intimacy and puts both people in a cycle of frustration.

As a result, your partner might eventually leave because they feel unheard and unimportant.

6. Emotional unavailability

“When I’m emotionally unavailable and distant, no one can hurt me.” This is what lies in the heads of many people who face the question, “Why do I self-sabotage relationships?”

Emotional unavailability creates a wall that prevents true connection, leaving the relationship one-sided while both partners feel isolated. 

As long-term commitment requires vulnerability from both sides, when one partner can’t open up, this might ruin everything. 

7. Holding grudges

This is one more technique of pushing a person away. Similarly to others, the main aim (even if it happens unconsciously) is to avoid intimacy by keeping past hurts alive.

• “He was a bit rude to you during dinner, so you won’t talk with him for the next 3 days.”
• “She didn’t reply to your text fast enough, so you give her the silent treatment.”
• “They forgot your anniversary, so that you won’t buy presents for their next birthday.”

All these actions are signs that he or she is sabotaging the relationship.

Of course, sometimes you won’t calm down immediately. But if you bring up past mistakes long after discussing them, it’s a warning sign.

8. Disrespectful behavior

This can take many forms, but the goal is the same — to push the partner away further and further. The most common examples include:

• interrupting or talking over your partner
• rolling your eyes 
• ignoring their boundaries
• making sarcastic or passive-aggressive comments
• stonewalling during arguments
• comparing them to others negatively
• refusing to apologize when you’re wrong
• breaking promises regularly, etc.

9. Cheating

Probably, this is one of the most extreme self-sabotaging relationships examples.

Of course, a desire to cheat can result from numerous reasons. Some people engage in this behavior because they feel a lack of love, extreme sexual desire, or boredom. 

Still, there are many cases when people cheat as a way to avoid confronting deeper emotional issues or dissatisfaction in the relationship. Instead of communicating or addressing their needs, they turn to cheating as a misguided escape. 

This only leads to more problems, eroding trust and often leading to painful breakups.

10. Changing partners one after another

Self-sabotaging relationships examples

Self-sabotaging tendencies aren’t always easy to notice. So, we’ve collected a few imaginary examples of small actions that can quietly harm a relationship.

See if any of these feel familiar to you!

• ​​Emma was mad at Jake for forgetting to take out the trash — again. Instead of telling him, she just stopped talking to him. A few hours went by in silence. Jake felt shut out without even understanding why, and Emma’s anger only grew. Soon, they didn’t even remember the trash, the only important thing was just the distance between them.

• Sophie forgot their anniversary, and Mark didn’t let it go. A month later, Mark messed up their weekend plans, and Sophie threw it right back at him. From that point, they weren’t solving problems anymore — just keeping score and losing sight of their love and commitment for each other.

• Every time Mia succeeded at work, Tom had a comment: “It’s just luck” or “You didn’t do anything exceptional.” He considered these to be playful jokes, but Mia felt unsupported and unloved. His words slowly pushed her away, and one day, she broke up with him. Only then Tom realized, “I sabotaged my relationship and regret it.”

• Ben promised Anna they’d have a date night every week. However, there was always something more important, like work or friends gatherings. Anna stopped expecting him to show up, and their connection started to fade with every broken plan.

Why is self-sabotaging relationships a problem?

You probably already understand that self-sabotaging ruins trust and connection. Over time, it can push your partner — and your relationship — away.

Yet, there are lots of less noticeable yet impactful outcomes that can slowly damage your bond and well-being in general.

1. Both partners might feel lonely

When staying in a self-sabotaging relationship — either as the one who sabotages them or the other partner — you may feel increasingly alone, even when you’re together.

What is love? This involves strong affection for another [6], which involves intimacy and vulnerability. As you understand, self-sabotaging love doesn’t have any of it, which makes people feel more lonely.

2. Such relationships often lacks a meaningful connection

Self-sabotaging relationships don’t typically grow or develop. When one partner pushes another back, it’s hard to genuinely understand one another and feel connected. 

Instead, one person constantly thinks, “Why am I so clingy?” while the other builds emotional walls to protect themselves.

3. It can lead to emotional exhaustion

Very few people can acknowledge, “I sabotage my own relationships.” Most often, this happens unconsciously.

As a result, constant misunderstandings, conflicts, and overthinking may drain both you and your partner. You might constantly ask yourself the question, “What happens to me? Why am I so unhappy?” and, never finding the answer, feel even more exhausted and hopeless. 

This emotional fatigue can leave both partners feeling stuck, with no energy left to fix the relationship or care for themselves.

4. Self-sabotaging relationships may harm self-esteem

In a nutshell, all emotional wounds mentioned above can’t go unnoticed. Both the person who self-sabotaged the relationship and the partner who experienced this sabotage may feel unworthy, insecure, and full of self-doubt.

Even if the couple breaks up, it can result in low self-esteem, lack of trust in people around them, and difficulties with finding a new partner.

How to stop self-sabotage in relationships?

Sources

1. Raquel Peel, Kerry McBain, Nerina Caltabiano, & Beryl Buckby. “The Romantic Self-Saboteur: How Do People Sabotage Love?”
2. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology. “When self-protection overreaches: Relationship-specific threat activates domain-general avoidance motivation.” January 2010
3. Makin Wellness. “How unprocessed childhood trauma causes self-sabotage + how to cope.” February 2024
4. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology. “Stability and change in adult attachment styles: Associations with personal vulnerabilities, life events, and global construals of self and others.” July 2003 
5. European Psychiatry. “Normal and obsessional jealousy: a study of a population of young adults.” May 2003
6. Merriam Webster. Love definition