Key takeaways
- In a toxic family, its members treat each other in destructive or controlling ways. This usually harms the mental stability and relational dynamics of everyone in the family.
- The main signs of a toxic family are unmet needs, manipulation and gaslighting, emotional or verbal abuse, constant criticism, excessive control, isolation, and double standards.
- The most common outcomes of living with toxic family members are low self-esteem, trust issues, increased anxiety, difficulties with expressing emotions, and potential mental health conditions.
- How to deal with family members that disrespect you? It might be helpful to set clear boundaries, stop trying to change other family members, and reduce interactions with them, if necessary.
Toxic family test
First, let’s quickly assess whether your family is toxic.
Please answer the questions below. Choose only one option for each question. Then, jot down the totals and proceed to the results.
1. How do you feel about your boundaries and their respect by other family members?
- I’ve always had clear boundaries, and my family members haven’t tried to cross them. (0 points)
- Sometimes, my boundaries may be blurred because other family members try to cross them. Still, most of the time, everything is pretty OK. (1 point)
- I don’t have clear boundaries because my parents always told me that setting yourself apart from them is selfish. Thus, now I struggle to establish them. (2 points)
2. How often does your family criticize you?
- Quite rarely and only after I made significant mistakes. (0 points)
- From time to time. In some cases, their criticism felt constrictive. Though, in others, I really didn’t understand where my fault was. (1 point)
- All the time. Anything I do is wrong! I’m doing my best, and I’m so tired of this hurtful criticism. (2 points)
3. When you set a goal and tell other family members about it, they…
- Listen to me with interest and then try to support or help me reach the goal. I’m so grateful! (0 points)
- Half-listen to me and then warn about possible roadblocks. Sometimes, I start believing that they try to make me give up on my plans. (1 point)
- My relatives never believe in me! Whatever I say, they always state that it’s impossible and dismiss my ideas outright, making me doubt myself before I even begin. (2 points)
4. How often do you feel that other family members manipulate you?
- No way! It doesn’t happen in my family. And even if I notice someone doing it unconsciously, I will say, and they will stop immediately. (0 points)
- Quite rarely, but I notice some attempts to manipulate me and my decisions. Most often, these manipulations are minor but still emotionally draining. (1 point)
- Far too often. It feels like they’re pulling the strings behind the scenes, and I’m left questioning my choices and feelings. (2 points)
5. How do you feel after family gatherings?
- I’m happy and excited to see everyone at a festive table. Even if there are some tense moments, we fix them quite quickly. (0 points)
- It’s a mix of emotions. While I enjoy seeing everyone, there are often some awkward situations that make me sad. (1 point)
- Super-exhausted and devastated! I feel like I need 10 therapy sessions after one family dinner. (2 points)
How toxic are your family members — Results of the test
0-3 points
You don’t seem to live in a toxic or dysfunctional family.
Of course, this test can’t cover all possible dynamics and dysfunctions that make up complex family relationships. Yet, your family seems to be pretty happy and nurturing. They support your goals, respect your boundaries, and make you feel safe and valued.
However, if you still feel that something goes wrong, we recommend you keep reading to discover more signs and compare them to your situation.
4-6 points
There might be some toxic family dynamics, but you’ve found ways to cope.
Your family isn’t perfect, and sometimes, their behavior can be unpleasant or stressful. Whether it’s intentional or not, it can leave you feeling drained. Still, you seem to manage to handle everything.
When things get tough, it might be helpful to discuss the issues and set clear boundaries to protect your peace.
7-10 points
You seem to have a noticeably toxic family.
Well, it might be difficult to communicate healthily with your relatives. Whether they disrespect your boundaries, argue all the time, criticize you, or do everything at once, it most probably influences your well-being.
Don’t be afraid to seek support from friends or professionals if you need it — it’s OK to ask for help and you’re not alone.
Who are hurtful & toxic family members?
So, now you know a bit more about your family dynamics. Yet, to get a more comprehensive picture, let’s answer the question, “What is a toxic family?” and learn how they influence you.
“Unhealthy families discourage individual expression. Everyone must conform to the thoughts and actions of the toxic parents. They promote fusion, a blurring of personal boundaries, a welding together of family members.” ― Susan Forward
This is one of the toxic family quotes that perfectly describes the essence of negative relatives.
Abusive family members usually follow hurtful behavior that significantly influences your mental stability. They might engage in emotional abuse, control your actions all the time, or even isolate everyone from each other by causing arguments.
While abusive relatives might take various dysfunctional family roles, others can also play a part in enabling behavior that might feel toxic. Either staying silent or trying to keep the peace at all costs, they may unintentionally reinforce the toxic patterns.
What are the signs that you’ve experienced or still experience toxic family relationships? Go further to find out.
6 signs you grew up in a toxic family
- Unmet needs
- Manipulation & gaslighting
- Emotional abuse
- Constant criticism
- Excessive control
- Isolation and double standards
We’ve already highlighted some signs of toxic romantic relationships. You can check them out by following the link. But then get back to find out what happens when your family is toxic.
1. Unmet needs
This is what happens in many toxic families. Parents regularly ignore kids’ physical and emotional needs ― from purchasing a new winter jacket to supporting children when they lose in a football match.
Of course, none is perfect. Sometimes, any parent may forget to buy your favorite sweets or overlook small things you enjoy, like remembering your favorite movie for family movie night.
Yet, in toxic families, parents may not even try to care. And this is the difference.
Here’s what a Reddit user states, “I had to solve grown up problems my whole life. Financial. Emotional. All of them.”
Parentification is a pretty common thing when caregivers or relatives can’t meet children’s emotional and physical needs. As a result, kids need to become “grown-ups” in their families and take care of themselves, siblings, and even older family members.
2. Manipulation & gaslighting
Like romantic partners, family members can also use manipulative techniques to control your actions. The only difference is that when you’re a child, you cannot always recognize and avoid this influence.
A toxic family member can make you question your reality, make you feel guilty over things that you didn’t do, and force you to second-guess your feelings and decisions.
For example, growing up in this environment and feeling like a scapegoat child might influence your self-esteem and sense of reality. Then, you may start to believe that your needs and emotions are unimportant or that you are always at fault, even when you’re not.
3. Emotional abuse
Actually, this term can cover dozens of situations when your own family hurts you.
A kid experiencing emotional abuse can feel like a black-sheep-of-the-family. Lonely, misunderstood, experiencing constant jokes, and comparison to their siblings — all this might make children believe they are unworthy.
This blame game makes any thoughtful discussion almost impossible, while the only thing such kids are forced to do is to defend themselves. Consequently, this can make it harder to set boundaries in adulthood.
4. Constant criticism
Videos about family criticism gain millions of views on TikTok!
Lack of empathy and support, as well as constant negative feedback, are typical behaviors in toxic family systems.
- “You’ve gained a few pounds, don’t eat so much.”
- “OK, you’ve passed this difficult exam. But why do you have a B, not an A?”
- “This boy won’t ever fall in love with you. You aren’t beautiful enough.”
These are only a few examples of painful critical remarks children and teenagers might receive from hurtful and toxic family members. And this is what can make them feel unworthy or inadequate, even when they’ve achieved something significant.
5. Excessive control
“Where do you go, and when will you come home?” ― this question is quite normal, right? But in toxic families, this will be the first one from an unlimited number of questions.
From checking a child’s phone every day to deciding what jacket they’ll wear to school, abusive parents might intrude into all areas of life.
Of course, there’s no clear line between increased care and excessive control. Yet, if you felt that you couldn’t set clear boundaries in childhood and didn’t have any personal space, it can be one of the signs of a toxic family.
6. Isolation and double standards
Last but not least. Golden children are always perfect, while blamed kids are always fools, even though sometimes they do the same things.
Toxic parents, especially narcissistic ones, may approach kids differently and, thus, make them grow up to hate or resent each other. Moreover, they can cut children from building friendships and connecting with peers and even other family members.
As a result, the kid might feel constantly lonely in this isolation. Children of narcissistic parents may grow up believing, “I’m always not enough.” This can influence even the ones who were set as an example when dealing with other toxic family members.
How toxic household might have influenced your present
“Being traumatized is not just an issue of being stuck in the past; it is just as much a problem of not being fully alive in the present.” ― Bessel A. van der Kolk
Do you think this childhood trauma quote is too dramatic? In reality, this is how some people might feel when family hurts their feelings all the time.
But what outcomes do most adults experience when living with toxic relatives and even after moving away from a toxic family? Let’s find out.
1. Low self-esteem
Surprisingly, one of the most famous examples is… Cinderella!
She was pretty insecure and felt unworthy of everything her stepsisters got. She could only dream about going to a masquerade ball and dancing with Prince Charming. But why? Because of the toxic family traits Cinderella faced regularly.
Do you believe that you don’t deserve that perfect job, an ideal relationship, or a happy life? Like Cinderella, you might carry the weight of toxic family dynamics that taught you to settle for less or doubt your worth.
2. Trust issues
What’s scarier: giant spiders or opening up to new people? People who google something like, “Why is my family so mean to me?” would most probably choose the second option.
But why is it so?
As children, they were taught that being vulnerable means getting hurt. Now, they’ve learned this lesson so well that they keep their walls up to protect themselves.
Because of this, such people find it extremely difficult to build and maintain healthy relationships, leading to loneliness.
3. Increased anxiety
“I don’t like my family; they behaved so terribly toward me!” If you hear this statement from someone, there’s a high chance this person experiences heightened anxiety.
Definitely, this isn’t about 100% of people who grew up in toxic families. Yet, many children who have witnessed unstable parental behavior can constantly worry about minor events.
They may over analyze situations, expecting the worst or fearing criticism, even when everything seems safe. Over time, this can turn into social anxiety, perfectionism, or an overwhelming need for control.
4. Difficulties with expressing emotions
Usually, questions like, “How to get out of a toxic household?” “How to deal with a narcissist?” and “Why can’t I share my emotions?” come together.
When living with toxic, especially narcissistic parents, children often learn to suppress their emotions to avoid conflict, criticism, or rejection.
They don’t cry when they fall off the bicycle to avoid being called “inattentive.” They don’t show extreme happiness when getting a good mark as they don’t want to hear that it’s still “not good enough.”
As a result, these bottled emotions turn into emotional unavailability and hyper-independence.
5. Depression and other mental health conditions
If letting go of a toxic family when you feel emotionally drained is impossible, it can turn into mental health issues. What’s more, a person may develop certain conditions if growing up in a toxic family has left behind childhood trauma that lingers like emotional baggage.
What are the most common ones?
- Depression
- Anxiety disorders
- Post-traumatic stress disorder
- Borderline personality disorder
- Eating disorders
- Substance use disorders
“How can I understand that my emotional baggage is too heavy to deal with alone, and I need to reach out for professional support?” Hannah Schlueter, MA, LAC, states, “When your emotions make it hard to go about your normal day or adhere to your typical responsibilities, it’s important to seek help from a professional. Any impairment or distress can warrant additional resources, and no one should have to face their emotional hardships alone.”
How to deal with toxic family members?
Now, there’s one more question left. “My family is toxic. How can I protect myself and still maintain some sort of relationship with them?”
Here are some basic yet effective tips.
- Understand that there’s an issue. Don’t minimize the importance of this step. Appreciating that you experience unhealthy dynamics and have a desire to change it is the first step to reclaiming your emotional well-being.
- Set clear boundaries and communicate them. As a child, it might be difficult to safeguard your emotional space. But as an adult, you have more autonomy over the boundaries you set with other people. It might be helpful to talk to family members, but if it doesn’t help, protect your boundaries in action.
- Don’t try to change anyone. How to deal with toxic siblings or parents? Acknowledge that they will remain the same. Trying to change someone can take enormous effort and often leads to disappointment. Instead, focus your energy on changing how you react to their behavior and protect yourself.
- Reduce negative interactions. If nothing helps, maybe it would be better to cut down on communication with a toxic family. Of course, you can meet them on holiday or whenever you want. But if you want to cry after each phone call, not calling them every day might be a wise decision.
- Focus on your well-being. How to handle toxic family members? Shift focus on living happily and maintaining your emotional balance. Once you prioritize your needs and set boundaries, their toxic behavior will have less impact on your life.
When should I think about cutting off a toxic family?
We asked Hannah Schlueter, MA, LAC, about it, “A person’s decision to limit communication or cut off communication with family members is entirely personal. Everyone has their own deal breakers, however, if your attempted solutions have not been successful and your emotional well-being continues to suffer, it might be time to consider what is best for you. It’s important to remember that you make the decision on your own accord rather than allowing someone to decide for you.”
