We dream of finding the perfect partner or friend, a soulmate who seems to understand our every need. But this idyllic picture of someone may shatter unexpectedly when they reveal their true colors, leaving you feeling used and questioning, “Why do I attract narcissists?”
The truth is narcissistic people may target anyone. We might be tempted to believe they were flawless, and we might think that it’s our fault for not appreciating their “devotion.” This is a dangerous illusion.
But here’s the key: it’s not you. Read this article to answer the question, “Why do I keep attracting narcissists?” and find a way to escape their shadow.
“Why do I always attract narcissists”? 6 reasons to consider
Now comes the central question: Why are narcissists attracted to me? To answer this question, let’s take a look at the most common reasons why this might happen.
1. Childhood experiences with narcissistic caregivers
One of the most common reasons for “Why do I keep falling for narcissists?” can be your childhood trauma.
A narcissistic parent might show love or approval only when you do things they like. For example, you might get showered with praise after winning a school competition but feel completely ignored or even criticized for coming in second. This can make you feel unsure and confused about their feelings.
Emotional neglect or emotional abuse may lead children of narcissistic parents to feel like a scapegoat child and a deep-seated need for validation and a yearning for the love they never received.
As a result, they may develop a mother wound/father wound and become attached to partners who are emotionally distant or even abusive, as it can feel familiar, even if unhealthy. Eventually, they may start thinking, “I attract only narcissists.”
2. Attachment style
Insecure attachment styles, formed in early relationships with caregivers, can make you crave the intensity and affection a narcissist offers, even if it’s unpredictable.
For example, having an anxious preoccupied attachment style may lead you to misinterpret a narcissist’s erratic behavior as a sign of passion, not even thinking about “Why do I always date narcissists?”
This can cause you to become fixated on gaining their approval and love, even when faced with inconsistency and emotional unavailability.
3. People-pleasing tendencies
If you prioritize others’ needs above your own and lack boundaries, this also might be one of the reasons for ”Why do I attract narcissists?”
Fawn trauma response may make you shower the narcissist with compliments, praise their every move, and bend over backward to fulfill their needs. This inflates the narcissist’s ego and keeps them coming back for more.
But the thing is that for people-pleasers, it might be hard to leave unhealthy, toxic relationships. They may feel a sense of responsibility for the narcissist’s happiness or fear, causing them anger or disappointment. They may also justify the narcissist’s behavior or rationalize it to themselves or others.
This creates a cycle where you keep giving more and more, hoping to finally earn the narcissist’s approval, which never truly comes, and you may just wonder, “Why do I keep dating a narcissist?”
4. Empathy
Indeed, being empathic is like being a sitting duck for narcissists. If you keep saying, “I attract narcissists,” your empathy might be the reason, too.
Narcissists, with their fragile egos, crave constant validation. People with big hearts are naturally empathetic and compassionate, which attracts a narcissist.
They might see people’s kindness as a well to be drawn from, mirroring the admiration and attention they desperately seek.
Narcissists can exploit this warmth, showering the kindhearted person with affection at first, only to slowly chip away at their self-esteem, making you feel broken and left wondering, “Why does nobody like me?”
5. Low self-esteem
Lack of self-worth might also answer the question, “Why are narcissists attracted to me?”. You crave the compliments and attention they give early on (love bombing), feeling like they finally “see” you.
But narcissists are drawn to people they can control. You may feel anxiety, your doubts make you question yourself, less likely to challenge their grandiosity, and easier to manipulate.
Low self-esteem may also be one of the symptoms of daughters of narcissistic mothers, where a critical and unempathetic parent constantly eroded their sense of self.
6. Narcissism
Are narcissists might be attracted to other narcissists? Yes. Why? Because the one may have something that attracts the other narcissist – a shaky feeling of self-worth.
A narcissist can exploit this vulnerability, creating a dynamic where they constantly seek admiration from each other while simultaneously undermining each other’s self-worth.
Imagine, for instance, two high-powered CEOs in a relationship. Each craves public recognition and achievements.
They might initially be drawn to each other’s success. Still, instead of genuine support, they might subtly compete for the bigger deal or the flashier car, leaving both feeling insecure and needing external validation.
“I attract narcissists”: Who are they?
A narcissist isn’t just someone who loves themself or has very high self-esteem. While many may experience 12 common narcissistic traits, only a professional can diagnose NPD.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition characterized by an inflated sense of importance, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.
It’s a misconception that narcissists love themselves intensely – most feel profound emptiness and project that void onto others.
Narcissists crave validation and believe they deserve special treatment, often exploiting others to achieve their goals.
You might wonder, “Why are narcissists attracted to me?” This could be because narcissists often seek partners who admire them and cater to their needs.
They may be attracted to your empathy, kindness, or accomplishments and use these qualities to boost their fragile self-esteem.
“Why am I drawn to narcissists?” Because they may appear to be ideal partners or friends, very caring, ready to help, and loving. However, all of a sudden, they might become calm and indifferent, just to create an emotional hurricane in you and enjoy your distress.
This could happen after a friend cancels plans you were really looking forward to. They might downplay your disappointment, even say you’re overreacting, gaslighting you, leaving you confused and hurt.
But then, the manipulator might start to play the hero who saves you from these emotions, showering you with attention and affection until you feel better. This can temporarily feel good, but it creates a confusing cycle that keeps you attached and might lead to trauma bonding.
So, what is the full process of “Why do I attract narcissists”? Let’s take a closer look.
Stages of a narcissistic relationship
In narcissistic relationships, your emotions may become extreme. It’s a cyclical pattern of intense highs and lows that keeps you off balance. You never really know what to expect, but this chaos feels like the norm.
This abusive cycle has four stages: idealization, devaluation, discard, and hoovering. Each stage can last for months, but there’s no set timeframe.
- Idealization: “Why do I keep falling for narcissists?” Because, at this stage, the narcissist showers you with attention, flattery, and affection. They make you feel special, understood, and like the center of their universe. This intense idealization can be intoxicating, fulfilling a longing for validation or mirroring the positive qualities you see in yourself.
- Devaluation: As the relationship progresses, the narcissist’s focus starts to shift. They become critical, dismissive, or even insulting. They may put you down, exploit your insecurities, or use gaslighting, making you question, “Why am I drawn only to narcissists?”
- Discard: This is the point where the narcissist starts ghosting you or abruptly ends the relationship. They may see you as no longer helpful in giving them the attention or admiration they crave. They might have found a new target for idealization or simply feel bored.
The discard can be cruel and emotionally devastating. It often happens suddenly and without warning, leaving you thinking, “Why do I only attract narcissists?” feeling abandoned, hurt, or confused.
- The cycle continues…or not? In some cases, the narcissist might hoover you back in with renewed affection (another temporary idealization phase) to regain control or extract more from you.
However, the discard doesn’t always mean a permanent ending. The narcissist may keep you around as an option if their new supply doesn’t work out.
I am drawn to narcissists: How to stop it?
Okay, we are at the finishing step. Is there a way to avoid relationships with a narcissist or to stop the pattern altogether? Yes.
You are not stuck in a cycle of unhealthy relationships, and saying “I attract narcissists,” shouldn’t stop you from a desire to break free.
Don’t settle for the pain of being drawn to narcissistic people. While you can’t change them, you can change how you approach them and, most importantly, how you see yourself.
So, if you ask yourself, “Why do I keep falling for narcissists?” here are quick tips on how to deal with narcissists:
- Actively improve your self-esteem: This is your foundation. Start by identifying your strengths and accomplishments. Challenge negative self-talk and surround yourself with supportive people who value you for who you are.
Practice self-care activities that nourish your mind, body, and spirit. Meditation can be a helpful tool for practicing self-care and regulating your emotions.
- Increase your emotional intelligence: Learn to recognize and manage your own emotions. Empathy helps you better understand others, but it’s also important to set healthy boundaries to protect yourself.
You can take your 28-Day EQ Healing Plan to boost your emotional intelligence and cultivate stronger, more fulfilling relationships.
- Develop healthy relationship skills: Do you often wonder, “Why do I attract narcissists?” Then it’s a good time to learn to identify red flags in potential partners, like an excessive charm or a lack of reciprocity.
You deserve to feel valued with others. Prioritize relationships built on mutual respect, trust, and open communication. Practice healthy conflict resolution, and don’t be afraid to walk away from situations that don’t serve you.
If you feel like there’s more to explore and your past experiences haven’t been fulfilling, consider seeking professional help.
