Covert Narcissist Mother: When Love Feels Like Walking on Glass

Maybe your relationship with your mom has never been good. You might remember dozens of times when she was passive-aggressive, played a victim, or approached you with silent treatment. While no one is perfect, these behaviors might have influenced how you perceive the world around you today.

As an adult, experiencing significant challenges in building secure relationships may indicate you’ve grown up with a covert narcissist mother. Find out what this means and how to break free from old wounds by reading the article.

People who have lived with narcissistic parents may choose partners with the same patterns of behavior. Find out whether you live with a narcissistic partner by taking a quick & free quiz.

What is a covert narcissist mother?

A covert narcissistic mother is a person who exhibits narcissistic traits or is diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). They tend to present themselves as caring and loving, avoiding direct confrontation, yet their only desire is to fulfill their own needs. 

Unlike overt narcissism, a covert narcissistic parent might seem shy, anxious, or sensitive but still hold onto fantasies of being special. [1] While this happens because of their fragile ego and unstable self-image, they rarely show it openly. Instead, covert narcissistic mothers rely on guilt trips, psychological manipulation, or passive-aggressive comments to control others, particularly their children.

They don’t typically yell or demand attention openly. Some people might even consider them great parents. But when the door closes, their true patterns begin to show and subtly destroy the self-worth of those closest to them. 

Try Breeze

Signs of a covert narcissist mother

A covert narcissistic mother doesn’t usually act loudly or dramatically; they use other strategies to cause self-doubt and reach what they want.

1. She engages in gaslighting

People with vulnerable narcissism (another name for covert narcissism) can significantly undermine others’ perception of reality through gaslighting. Sadly, mothers aren’t an exception. You might have heard some of these or similar phrases:

• “I have never said that.” (Even if she has.)
• “You take this situation too seriously.”
• “I only did it because I love you.”

2. She turns to guilt-tripping and emotional manipulation

Another behavioral pattern that causes emotional harm is manipulation. Covert narcissists might use guilt to control their children and prevent them from setting healthy boundaries. Here’s what you might have heard:

• “After everything I’ve done for you, you still behave this way.”
• “Fine, do whatever you want. Don’t worry about me.”
• “I was just trying to help, but you don’t care.”

After hearing this, a child might feel obliged and responsible for their mother’s feelings.

3. She compares you and undermines your achievements

Grandiosity and self-oriented perfectionism are a few more narcissistic traits that might influence everyone around. [2] While a narcissistic mother might feel that “she isn’t perfect enough,” this feeling often gets projected onto her children. They may say something like:

• “Your cousin is so hard-working; why can’t you be more like her?”
• “That’s good, but don’t get too proud of yourself.”
• “When I was at your age, I was already doing twice as much.”

This behavior is aimed at causing low self-esteem in children and diminishing their achievements. This way, covert narcissistic mothers maintain their sense of superiority and secure emotional dependency under the guise of “I want the best for you.”

4. She neglects your emotions

Narcissistic behavior can involve neglecting others’ feelings and desires because a person believes nothing is more important than their own emotional needs. This kind of behavior can make a child feel unseen, unimportant, or even miserable, which might lead to childhood trauma and cause mental health effects later in life. 

These are a few phrases that you might have heard from a narcissistic mother. 

• “You should do what I’ve said. I know what’s best for you.”
• “Stop being so sensitive.”
• “I’m tired; I don’t have time for your problems right now.”

5. She uses backhanded compliments

This is one more unobvious type of passive aggression that can cause a child to feel self-doubt. Although some phrases may sound motivating or well-meaning initially, they carry an underlying tone of criticism.

• “You look nice today. Finally, you’ve paid attention to self-care.”
• “It was a good idea. I didn’t think that you had it in you.”
• “I didn’t expect that you would manage to do it. Now I’m impressed!”

It can be an alerting sign if you have heard something like that in childhood or still receive such compliments from your mother. Your own perception of success, beauty, or competence may become tied to external approval, which can make you seek constant validation.

Growing up with a narcissistic mother can cause childhood trauma. Find out whether you might still carry its emotional effects and what you can do to start healing.

Covert narcissist mother test

If you’re still unsure about whether you experience the outcomes of a mother’s narcissism or emotional wounds stemming from something different, we’ve created a quick test. Choose one of the responses in each question and proceed to the results.

1. Did your mother make you feel guilty for making choices independently?

• Often (2 points)
• Sometimes (1 point)
• Never (0 points)

2. Did she compare you to others in a way you felt less valuable?

• Often (2 points)
• Sometimes (1 point)
• Never (0 points)

3. Did you feel responsible for your mother’s emotions and experience the need to manage them?

• Often (2 points)
• Sometimes (1 point)
• Never (0 points)

4. Did you feel emotionally punished (e.g., silent treatment, guilt-tripping) when asserting independence?

• Often (2 points)
• Sometimes (1 point)
• Never (0 points)

5. Did her compliments feel more like subtle criticism?

• Often (2 points)
• Sometimes (1 point)
• Never (0 points)

Covert narcissistic mother test results

Now, tally up the points and find out how likely it is that a covert narcissistic mother raised you. Keep in mind that this quiz can serve as a self-awareness tool, and is no way intended to serve as a clinical diagnosis.

7-10 points

There’s a high probability that you grew up with a narcissistic mother. This might have influenced your sense of self-worth, made you develop specific coping mechanisms, and affected the way you relate to others.

4-6 points

There’s a moderate probability of being raised by a mom with covert narcissism. While some patterns of behavior may sound pretty relatable, they might stem from other mental health conditions. On the other hand, your mother might display some traits connected with covert narcissism.

0-3 points

There’s a low probability of your mother living with significant traits of covert narcissism. It seems like your experience didn’t involve the common signs of emotional control or manipulation that are typical in narcissistic families.

Psychological and emotional impact of a mother’s covert narcissism on children

We’ve talked a lot about vulnerable narcissism and the behavioral patterns it might cause. It’s time to look into the outcomes of covert narcissistic abuse. 

1. Low self-esteem

A study has found that people who were raised by narcissists are likely to have self-esteem issues and may need external support or validation to feel competent or worthy. [3] Such adult children may live with a low sense of self-worth or even have problems pursuing their dreams because “they don’t deserve anything.” It can sound like your mother’s voice in your head that turns into an inner critic.

Covert narcissists can be especially damaging as their critical statements don’t typically come directly. Instead, their backhanded compliments make you question your importance even more deeply and analyze whether you’re good enough compared to others.

2. Challenges with identifying your needs

Living with a narcissistic mother can lead to a lack of self-awareness. You might have been used to doing everything to please other family members, while your desires weren’t considered important. 

When communicating with covert narcissists, particularly mothers, this attitude may be more difficult to recognize because it comes in the form of quiet disapproval of what you want. “Maybe, I really don’t need to do it. Mum knows better.” You can think and give up on your dreams and desires. Thus, now you simply aren’t aware of how to meet your own needs and often feel bad for even having them.

3. Victim mentality

Adult children of narcissistic mothers may feel like all the bad things around them are their fault, and life is always unfair. This mindset might form when the child grows up constantly shamed and feels responsible for others’ emotions. 

It can especially be true for family dynamics where there’s a golden child and a scapegoat — a pattern often seen with narcissistic families. If you were the scapegoat, you may have been blamed for things even when it wasn’t your fault. Over time, this can make you feel helpless and like you’re never good enough.

Even more, covert narcissists can play victims themselves as well and subtly blame others for their misfortunes. This might teach children to see themselves as the reason for their mothers’ problems.

4. People-pleasing & difficulties establishing boundaries

A covert narcissist mother might use guilt, emotional withdrawal, or shame when a child tries to do something that doesn’t align with what they want. As such behavior may repeat regularly, over time, an adult child can find it challenging to set clear boundaries, say “no,” and follow their desires instead of what others expect them to do. People-pleasing can become one of the coping strategies that lets such people avoid conflict or others’ quiet irritation and feel temporarily safe.

5. Challenges with expressing emotions

Emotional neglect and silent treatment by a covert narcissistic mother could lead to problems with self-awareness as well. Because of this, it may be difficult for you to identify and express what you feel later in life. Emotional repression could have been a way to avoid rejection or criticism, but now it’s more like a barrier that makes it difficult to form healthy relationships.

If you want to learn more about what you feel and things that trigger specific emotions, you can try an advanced mood tracker from Breeze. It allows you to notice your feelings, add context, and get an overview of mood analytics to spot the patterns and improve your life. 

How covert narcissistic mothers impact romantic relationships in adulthood

Besides general well-being and emotional resilience challenges that growing up with a narcissist can bring, there are also specific patterns that often show up in adult romantic relationships. We’ll highlight the most common ones below.

1. Insecure attachment style

Attachment styles tend to form early in childhood. [4] If you’ve experienced a lack of attention from parental figures or witnessed disorganized attachment, there’s a certain probability that you’ll also form one of the insecure attachment styles. You may:

• feel uncomfortable when things start getting serious and try to avoid it (avoidant attachment)
• need constant reassurance that a partner still loves and values you (anxious attachment)
• engage in push-and-pull dynamic mixing manifestations of the previous two styles (anxious-avoidant attachment)

Fixing your attachment style is possible, but it requires a lot of self-care and emotional resilience. You can begin by taking the attachment style quiz from Breeze to get personalized insights into how you approach relationships now and what can be changed.

2. Fear of conflict and abandonment

This point may be especially true for daughters of narcissistic mothers, yet it can happen to a person of any gender. Typically, such parents tend to maintain control through constant unpredictability, and children grow up walking on eggshells to avoid becoming a victim of another undermining comment.

As adults, those raised by a covert narcissist may still hesitate to express dissatisfaction. Deep down, their main goal is to avoid triggering familiar patterns: conflict, emotional withdrawal, or the fear of being abandoned and neglected all over again.

3. Codependency

This means that one person in a relationship becomes “a giver” or “a fixer” and prioritizes the other’s emotions or problems, causing the other to receive special treatment. In adult relationships, children of narcissistic mothers can easily become such “givers” because this is the role they are used to. Nevertheless, this dynamic can negatively influence the emotional well-being of both partners and their relationships. 

How to deal with a covert narcissist mother

Protecting oneself from the negative influence of narcissistic behavior is the best thing you can do for your self-esteem. It doesn’t mean that you need to cut the contact completely. Yet, it’s vital to set clear boundaries and notice every situation when your mom tries to exert control.

• Decide what’s acceptable to you and what isn’t. A covert narcissist mother can make passive-aggressive comments or play a victim, but you should clearly understand your limits and communicate them calmly yet clearly.

• Avoid sharing deeply personal stories. Narcissistic people can use your vulnerabilities to harm your emotional well-being. Thus, it’s better to seek support from trusted friends or relatives while keeping conversations with your mother surface-level.

• Don’t take her behavior personally. It will be much easier for you to manage stress from such communication once you appreciate that there’s nothing wrong with you. All criticism comes from her narcissistic traits and can reflect her insecurities. 

Healing after growing up with a narcissistic mother

Suppose you want to build healthy relationships, feel confident while communicating with others, and change how you approach the world. In that case, breaking free from old patterns and ineffective coping strategies might be necessary. Here are some of the tips that may work for you:

• Prioritize self-care. Focus on what you want and need. This can include regular slow mornings, shopping, or some time for rest and reset. The goal is to stop feeling guilty for your desires and trying to live up to your narcissistic mother’s expectations.

• Connect with supportive people. Staying in touch with those who can listen to you without judgment may be healing. Their presence will remind you that any feelings are valid.

• Stop seeking approval. People who grew up with narcissistic mothers may need constant reassurance that they’re valuable. On the other hand, you need to learn and understand that you’re already good enough, no matter what others think and say.

• Practice self-compassion. It can be helpful to notice your critical inner voice and gradually change it. When anxious or worried, you can use journaling from Breeze to reflect on what makes you feel this way and how you can approach the situation differently.

• Reach out for professional help. If you still feel that the effect of narcissistic mother parenting is too strong, it may be necessary to contact a licensed therapist. A professional will help you overcome the past wounds and feel a more stable sense of self.

How to protect your children from a narcissistic grandmother

You might have experienced tough times in childhood and now want to prevent your kids from feeling the same when communicating with your covert narcissistic mother. We’ve got you covered! Save these simple tips on how to take care of their emotional well-being.

• Teach your kids to set boundaries and understand what’s right and wrong. In this case, they can spot manipulation and tell you about it.

• Explain that people (including their grandmother) can be critical, but it isn’t their fault.

• Let your children share their emotions and listen to them attentively. If your mom says something that can hurt them, help them process it so they don’t feel guilty or ashamed.

• Let children meet with their grandmother only when you or another trustworthy adult is nearby. This allows you to save your kids from manipulation or gaslighting.

• Don’t feel guilty for protecting your kids. If your mother keeps being toxic, it might be necessary to limit contact with her. 

Conclusion

Having a narcissistic mother can feel tough both in childhood and when you become an adult. As an adult, you now have more control over your mental health and can begin working to leave past traumas behind you.

Use this article as a guide to spot unhealthy patterns in behavior, reflect on your reactions, and heal past wounds. You can always turn to Breeze for emotional support and self-discovery. The app provides relaxation games, self-discovery, and mindfulness options for exploring your feelings and reconnecting with your true self.

Sources

1. Mallory L. Malkin, Christopher T. Barry, Virgil Zeigler-Hill. “Covert narcissism as a predictor of internalizing symptoms after performance feedback in adolescents.” Personality and Individual Differences. 2011
2. Smith, M. M., Sherry, S. B., & Saklofske, D. H. (in press). “Understanding the narcissistic need for perfection: The most dazzling, perfect, and comprehensive review ever.” In T. Herman, A. Brunell, & J. Foster (Eds.), The handbook of trait narcissism. NY: Springer.
3. Virgil Zeigler-Hill, Ali Mohammad Beigi Dehaghi. “Narcissism and psychological needs for social status, power, and belonging.” Personality and Individual Differences. 2023
4. Li, Yuxuan. (2023). “How does attachment style influence early childhood development?” Journal of Education, Humanities and Social Sciences