Every time you create a new project, enter a relationship, plan a trip, or find a new job, something goes wrong. It seems like obstacles appear out of nowhere, or you somehow end up back where you started. Have you ever thought that the issue might not be due to external factors but rather to your self-sabotage?
In this article, we’ll help you identify the negative beliefs that trigger sabotaging behavior. Check it out to learn how to spot it immediately and what to do to start moving forward.
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What is self-sabotage?
Self-sabotaging means actions and thoughts that negatively influence a person’s health and well-being, as well as prevent them from reaching long-term goals. We can notice such behaviors in daily life, in romantic relationships, at work, or in any other area possible.
Some common examples of this pattern might include:
- Constant procrastination on work tasks
- Pushing away supportive people
- Setting unrealistic goals and feeling frustrated when you don’t reach them
- Permanent lack of rest and constant overworking
- Ignoring health issues
- Substance abuse, etc.
Self-sabotage serves as a coping mechanism that people use to deal with stressful situations and past traumas. In the next section, we’ll find out why this happens and who’s most likely to engage in such behaviors.
6 signs and symptoms of self-sabotaging behaviors
While some cases of self-sabotaging are easy to track from the spot, others can be more hard to detect. Here are some signs you might notice in your own life that highlight such behavioral patterns.
1. You have negative beliefs
“The world is against me,” “I’m a burden to everyone” or “Only the rich can be successful” are examples of negative core beliefs that prevent you from making progress. Constantly thinking that nothing is worth trying is a negative thought that can lead to self sabotage.
2. Your critical inner voice is loud
Negative self-talk can relate not only to the world around you but to yourself as well. If you constantly think, “I’m not good enough,” or “I always mess things up,” you might start believing these thoughts and acting in ways that reinforce them. As such, someone with a strong critical voice might avoid new opportunities, refuse to take risks, and dwell on even the most minor disappointments.
For instance: Your ex-colleagues suggested you join a new promising startup they’re launching. While most people would happily accept this offer, you are prone to self-sabotaging behavior. Therefore, you refuse because of your critical inner voice saying, “You can’t handle this position.” Even if you do accept the offer, you might unconsciously make mistakes — because you worry about your ability to perform well in your new job — and finally prove your inner critic right that you couldn’t handle the job, after all.
3. You tend to dwell on past mistakes
Regularly thinking about things that make you feel regret may also be a part of negative self-talk. This ruins your self-confidence, prevents you from making new choices, and simply keeps you feeling stuck. Instead of learning and moving on, you relive past mistakes again and again, which makes you unsure of yourself even more.
4. You are a perfectionist
People experiencing self-sabotaging can put too much time into every step of the project, concentrate on minor imperfections, and, even if everything is perfect, still feel dissatisfied. For instance:
- You write an essay and spend hours polishing every sentence, so you finally miss the deadline.
- For over a week, you can’t finish a work presentation that takes a few hours. As a result, all other tasks pile up, so you feel overwhelmed and stressed.
- You seek a romantic partner who will 100% align with your vision of an ideal loved one. When you have even a small argument with someone, you break up immediately.
5. You procrastinate
A person who engages in self-sabotaging behaviors may constantly delay something important, even if it makes a big difference.
Sometimes, it might stem from perfectionism, but in other cases, it feels like a freeze that prevents you from doing anything even though you understand the consequences. For example, procrastination may involve:
- Putting off work tasks
- Skipping workouts
- Post pointing decisions
- Avoiding tough conversations, etc.
6. You tend to pull away from others
When self-sabotage starts, a person might pull away from friends, family, a new relationship, or any kind of contact. Researchers agree that social connection can help people live longer and healthier lives, [1] while withdrawing from others might lead to loneliness and sadness. When you cut yourself off, you miss out on support, which can make the cycle of self-sabotage worse.
Why do people self-sabotage?
Typically, self-sabotaging behaviors stem from internal reasons. It may start with feeling uncomfortable when dealing with routine tasks. Then, instead of bringing more conscious awareness to their thoughts, the person may start to self-doubt, and self-sabotage occurs.
But what makes us seek temporary relief in coping strategies? There are several reasons.
Narcissistic parents
People who have grown up in dysfunctional families, particularly with a narcissistic mum or dad, might feel like being successful is “dangerous” or “isn’t allowed.” This is because they may have faced repeated discouragement rather than support whenever they did something well.
Narcissistic parents might have downplayed their accomplishments or even reacted with jealousy on every achievement — as they perceived it as something threatening to their ego. “My son / daughter can’t be better than me,” — you might have never heard this statement, but it perfectly describes the situation.
Thus, now grown ups who saw negative emotions from the closest ones when they succeeded in something may unconsciously avoid any kind of achievement. They can sabotage work progress, relationship development, or refuse taking new challenges just to prevent themselves from parents’ criticism they used to experience in childhood.
Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs)
There are also other kinds of childhood experiences that can lead to sabotaging behavior development. Studies indicate that sexual abuse and physical neglect are correlated with self-sabotage in adulthood. [2] Yet, these aren’t the only possible connections.
People who have experienced any kind of childhood trauma or ACEs can sabotage themselves as a way to cope with feelings of insecurity and emotions linked to the past. Moreover, they might unconsciously recreate familiar patterns that lead to hardships because success feels unfamiliar or even unsafe.
We asked Emily Mendez, M.S., Ed.S if she could share what kinds of childhood trauma are most often connected to self-sabotage and why. Here’s her answer, “Neglect, physical and sexual abuse, and abandonment are all connected with self-sabotaging behaviors in adulthood. All of these types of abuse can lead to feelings of shame and worthlessness. They can all make it hard to trust others, especially in relationships. So, a person may self-sabotage to avoid relationships. A person who has suffered abuse as a child may not feel worthy. Therefore, they may sabotage possible achievements because they don’t feel they deserve them. These feelings of unworthiness may be buried deep so a person may not even be aware of them.”
Low self-esteem
Frontiers in Psychology define self-esteem as how much worth or value a person considers for themselves. [3] This concept can be tightly related to the fears we experience, particularly the fear of success, failure, and the unknown.
Studies show that low self-esteem and lack of self-love often stem from dysfunctional family dynamics, discrimination, trauma, daily stress, and even unmet expectations. [4] But whatever the reason is, low self-esteem can make us question our ability to handle challenges and overcome negative outcomes if something overwhelming happens.
As such, people might get frustrated doing anything just to avoid rejection and escape difficult emotions. They may doubt their skills, second-guess their decisions, or give up too easily when things get tough.
Perfectionism
According to Hamachek, there are two types of perfectionists: normal perfectionists and neurotic perfectionists. [5] While the first ones set high standards for themselves but leave room for mistakes, the second ones struggle to accept anything less than perfect.
When constantly feeling afraid of failure, perfectionists can turn to self-sabotage and constantly delay their dreams and goals just to avoid difficult emotions if imperfections happen. This fear-based avoidance can stem from various developmental influences, including childhood experiences, genetic factors, educational factors, and external pressures. [6]
Fear of failure
According to research from Nyenrode Business University and IE University, more than 40% of people are afraid of failure and making mistakes. [7] Some might feel it because of narcissistic symptoms and fragile ego, others because of imposter syndrome, while some people live with the fear of failure because of perfectionism.
While there’s nothing wrong with this fact in general, it becomes a problem when this prevents people from taking risks, following their dreams, or stepping out of their comfort zones. Instead of seeing mistakes as opportunities to learn, someone who faces the fear of failure may avoid challenges. This can be a kind of self-sabotaging that prevents people from reaching long-term goals and development.
Fear of success
On the other hand, some people may engage in sabotaging behaviors because they’re scared to succeed. We’ve already mentioned the fact that this feeling might be common among children of narcissistic parents. Yet, this isn’t the only case.
In general, fear of success isn’t just about achieving something — it’s about what comes after. It can bring new responsibilities, higher expectations, or even distance from loved ones, which might make some people unconsciously avoid it. [8] As a result, to escape new challenges, they might opt for self-sabotaging behaviors.
Fear of the unknown
According to a study published in the Journal of Anxiety Disorders, fear of the unknown means feeling afraid when there’s a lack of information, whether we realize it or not. Moreover, it’s closely linked to intolerance of uncertainty, which means that people are likely to experience difficulty in handling the discomfort that comes from not having enough clear or important information. [9]
To avoid this discomfort and stay inside their comfort zones, people may subconsciously pull themselves back from something new and game-changing. A strategy of avoidance can be one of self-defeating behaviors in order to prevent themselves from risks (and possible opportunities). While occasionally playing it safe is fine, constantly avoiding new things can hold you back and keep you stuck in the same unfulfilling routines.
Challenges in romantic relationships
Not only past traumas in childhood but also negative romantic experiences can make you question your sense of self-worth. If your ex constantly neglected your feelings, gaslighted, or made you feel vulnerable, now you might subconsciously believe that you don’t deserve healthy relationships.
As a result, people who engage in self-sabotaging may break up with significant others for no reason, engage in constant arguments, or even pick fights so that they can push their partner away. The only reason this happens is because they want to avoid being hurt or rejected.
Mental health conditions
Last but not least. Some mental health conditions can also influence the development of self-sabotaging behavior.
- Scientific research indicates that there is a connection between borderline personality disorder and self-sabotage. [10]
- Some people experiencing depression might engage in self-sabotage.
- Social anxiety can make a person dwell on negative critical statements [11], which can cause self-doubt, avoidance of opportunities, and sabotaging behavior.
Self-sabotage in relationships
If, in your relationships, you push people away, create conflicts, or doubt your partner’s feelings, sabotaging might be at play. To stop self-sabotaging and avoid this pattern in the future, let’s revise the most common signs of this behavior with loved ones.
- Doubting your partner’s feelings. Even when your loved one is 100% committed, you might second-guess every interaction and create conflicts just as a habit of seeking reassurance.
- Jealousy for no reason. If you feel uncomfortable when things go well and start suspecting your partner without any real evidence, it might be self-sabotage. You may unconsciously create problems to justify your worries.
- Overanalyzing everything. Constantly looking for hidden meanings in your partner’s actions can lead to unnecessary stress. As a result, you might not stay present and enjoy the relationship but find yourself imagining worst-case scenarios.
- Pulling away every time things get serious. If deep connections make you anxious, you might start withdrawing emotionally when things start getting real. Toxic beliefs can make you sabotage a relationship before it even has a chance to grow.
How to recognize and break the self-sabotage cycle
While being aware of your behaviors is already the first step to stop sabotaging, there are also achievable ways to overcome the cycle completely. Below, we’ve provided small things to start from.
- Identify what you feel. There can be certain situations and uncomfortable emotions that may lead to self-sabotaging. Try Breeze’s mood tracker and notice what drives your actions. Over time, you’ll know what aspects of your life and feelings need specific attention to get rid of self-sabotage.
- Take small self-care steps. To build a stable self-esteem and concentrate on positive emotions, it’s important to regain trust in yourself step by step. Write down what you’re grateful for at the end of the day, start doing more exercise, say “no” to something that drains your energy, or go for short walks to clear your head from negative thoughts.
- Prioritize your well-being. Deep breathing, mindfulness, and grounding techniques might be perfect ways to get rid of anxiety and make your life more balanced. When you turn them into a habit, you’ll stay more in control and be able to overcome sabotaging behaviors.
- Seek professional help. Sometimes, healing trauma and delving deeper into your past are the best ways to regain inner balance. If you’re aware of the challenges you face and nothing else seems to help, it might be the best idea to get in touch with a licensed therapist.
Healing from self-sabotage
Emily Mendez, M.S., Ed.S, shares the most effective treatment approache mental health professionals use when helping people get rid of self-sabotaging behaviors, “Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is one of the most effective therapy for self-sabotage. It’s what I used most often in therapy to change these kinds of behaviors. CBT helps you identify and change maladaptive, negative thoughts, or cognitive distortions that lead to self-sabotage. This can lead to fewer self-sabotaging behaviors.”
Conclusion
Well done, you’re so close to getting rid of self sabotaging behaviors once and for all! ! Now you know how to identify sabotaging behavior, recognize the patterns that hold you back, and take steps toward change. Remember, you don’t have to do it alone — seeking support from friends, loved ones, or a professional can make all the difference.
Also, you can take advantage of self-discovery with the Breeze app to make even more meaningful changes in your behavior. Take Childhood Experience, Attachment Style, and Imposter Syndrome tests to discover patterns in your behavior that can lead to self-sabotage.
Build an internal support system by sticking to personalized routines and noticing your achievements all along the way. Discovering more about yourself and getting better daily can help you get rid of old, limiting habits and replace them with healthier, more empowering ones.
Sources
- National Library of Medicine. “Social relationships and mortality risk: a meta-analytic review”
- The International Journal of Psychiatry in Medicine. “The Relationship between Childhood Trauma and Medically Self-Sabotaging Behaviors among Psychiatric Inpatients”
- Frontiers in Psychology. “A Theoretical Review on the Impact of EFL/ESL Students’ Self-Sabotaging Behaviors on Their Self-Esteem and Academic Engagement”
- International Journal of Current Science. “A Study On The Factors That Influence Self-Esteem”
- Personality and Individual Differences. “Perfectionism and statistics anxiety”
- PRZEGLĄD PSYCHOLOGICZNY – THE REVIEW OF PSYCHOLOGY. “Perfectionism in theory and research”
- Workplace Insight. “Fear of failure holds people back at work”
- Carl V. Rabstejnek, P.E., M.B.A., Ph.D. “FEAR OF SUCCESS: A Phenomenon with Assorted Explanations (Including Psychoanalytic, Feminist, and Other Theories)”
- Journal of Anxiety Disorders. “Fear of the unknown: One fear to rule them all?”
- National Library of Medicine. “The Relationship Between Medically Self-Sabotaging Behaviors and Borderline Personality Disorder Among Psychiatric Inpatients”
- National Library of Medicine. “Negative and positive self-beliefs in social anxiety: The strength of believing mediates the affective response”
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