Unconditional Love: What It Really Means and How to Love Unconditionally

Defining love is not easy. For centuries, poets, psychologists, and ordinary people have tried to explain what love is beyond “you’ll know it when you feel it,” resulting in many definitions. In addition, the concept of unconditional love complicates the situation even more because some consider it the only true expression of love, while others don’t believe in it at all.

As the name suggests, unconditional love is the purest, most sincere, and selfless act of love, as it doesn’t set conditions. However, it is too easy to misinterpret this concept, mistaking dependence for unconditional love – both your own and your partner’s, which is a completely different feeling. Dependence is much more conditioned than any other attachment.

So, if unconditional love is true love and makes sense, then how can we distinguish it from conditional love? Is it worth trying to earn a romantic partner’s unconditional positive regard? Is it healthy to continue loving someone unconditionally if they don’t love you back or if there’s no mutual respect in the relationship? Let’s find the answers in the article.

Take a free and insightful Love Language Test to better understand the ways you can offer unconditional love to your partner.

What Is Unconditional Love?

Unconditional love can be a strong, mature feeling that a mother experiences for her child. It does not require reciprocity or reasons, according to Erich Fromm, a German sociologist, philosopher, and psychoanalyst, who popularized and deepened this term, especially in psychological and philosophical contexts [1]. 

According to Fromm, a mother does not need good behavior, respect, and efforts of the child to accept them and give them compassionate love. Maternal love can’t be achieved “by force”, “artificially”, and it can’t be lost either.

Modern psychiatry research does not typically use the term “unconditional love” as a clinical concept, but the idea is deeply relevant to many areas of psychiatric theory and therapeutic practice. Here’s how it shows up:

Attachment Theory by John Bowlby

Psychiatry and developmental psychology see secure attachment as an important component, especially between children and caregivers. This attachment involves consistent, responsive, and “unconditional” care, which helps children form a sense of trust and self-worth [2].

People who were only loved conditionally may struggle with perfectionism, shame, or fear of abandonment. Lack of unconditional love as well as abuse, emotional neglect, or inconsistent caregiving are strongly associated with various mental health conditions like anxiety, depression, and borderline personality disorder in adulthood.

Humanistic and Existential Therapy Approaches

Carl Rogers, one of the founders of humanistic psychology and person-centered psychotherapy, emphasized “unconditional positive regard” as essential to therapy. This means the therapist can offer acceptance and support regardless of what the client says or does. This nonjudgmental approach helps clients develop self-acceptance and authenticity and is arguably the clearest expression of “unconditional love” in psychiatry and modern-day therapy. [3].

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The 4 Types of Unconditional Love

Here are four common types of unconditional positive regard:

1. Parental love 

It is arguably the most instinctively unconditional love. Many people love their own child regardless of what the child does.

2. Romantic love  

Deep, selfless love between partners that goes beyond affection or reciprocation and teaches people how to become the best version of yourself.

3. Spiritual love

This type of love is often associated with religious or spiritual beliefs. It is characterised by acceptance, forgiveness, and grace and is unaffected by human imperfections.

4. Selfless humanitarian love

Altruism and empathy are the reasons behind this compassionate love. It includes deeds of advocacy, charity, and kindness without anticipating compensation or praise.

Unconditional Love vs Conditional Love

Love that is freely given without conditions, demands, or expectations is known as unconditional love, according to the research on the neural basis of unconditional love [4]. It means loving someone despite all circumstances and accepting them for who they are. 

This type of love is stable and relatively unaffected by mistakes, arguments, or shifts in behavior. It is common within parent-child relationships, strong romantic ties, or spiritual ties where love is presented as a grounding force rather than a reward. Because the person receiving love feels secure enough to be who they are, unconditional love may aid in personal development, healing, and authenticity discovery.

Conditional love, on the other hand, is dependent on meeting certain standards or actions. It depends more on a person’s behavior than their character. Although it may feel powerful at the time, this kind of love is unstable. The reason is that it can be easily withdrawn when someone fails to meet the set conditions. 

Conditional love may seem transactional, as if it needs to be acquired or sustained via performance. For instance, a parent might only show pride in a child when they achieve, or only show them affection when they behave in a particular way. This eventually may lead to stress, insecurity, and emotional detachment, and is common among children of narcissistic parents, according to research about parental narcissism [11].

It is challenging to learn to love yourself without receiving unconditional love from your parents in childhood. Does it sound familiar? Take an informative childhood trauma test to understand how early experiences shaped you.

Unconditional Love in Relationships

While unconditional love is psychologically healing, psychiatry recognizes that not all relationships can or should be unconditional. To build healthy relationships, modern psychiatry and psychotherapy promote boundaries, autonomy, and healthy interdependence, not blind self-sacrifice.

So, can unconditional love be in romantic relationships, and what is the difference between “loving” and “being emotionally attached”? Let’s figure it out.

In reality, our feelings can naturally be influenced by some qualities or behaviors of our partner. Even when it seems to us that we are totally in love without any question, in fact, we might not realize that we choose a partner and make connections, because of some reasons and conditions. 

We choose our partners based on personal values, emotional needs, life experiences, and individual expectations. Each of us carries our own set of attitudes, conditions, and boundaries that shape what we seek in a relationship. In essence, romantic partnerships are conditional by nature and built on mutual agreements, shared values, and compatible desires.

Our partners have also chosen us for some features. Most romantic relationships and friendships are a set of conditions, like:

• “I love you because you satisfy my need to care for someone.”
• “I love you because you accept me.”
• “I love you because I feel good with you.”
• “I love you because you give me a sense of safety.”
• “I love you because I can be myself around you.” 
• “I’ll love you if you make me happy.”
• “I’ll stay if you never change.”

When one partner violates those conditions, for example, through betrayal, emotional neglect, or abuse, the foundation of the relationship is damaged, and love may no longer feel safe or viable. Ending such a relationship is not a failure of love, but rather a healthy recognition of one’s self-worth and limits. It’s entirely normal and even necessary that our love in romantic relationships is conditional, because it protects our well-being and ensures mutual respect [8].

Is Unconditional Love Always Healthy?

Unconditional love is not always healthy, especially if it involves toxic behavior or neglecting your own well-being and boundaries. Here are the signs:

1. Tolerating Harmful Behavior

When one partner tolerates abuse, manipulation, infidelity, or consistent disrespect in the name of “unconditional love,” it shifts from compassion to self-sacrifice. Love without limits can enable toxic behavior by removing consequences, allowing the other person to continue causing harm without accountability.

2. Loss of Identity and Autonomy

In trying to love someone unconditionally, a person may begin to ignore their own needs, values, or goals to maintain the perfect image of the relationship. Over time, this can lead to a loss of self where the person’s identity becomes entirely wrapped around the partner or the relationship.

3. Fear of Abandonment or Rejection

Sometimes, the desire to give or receive unconditional love comes from deep insecurity and the fear of not being lovable unless love is guaranteed, no matter what. This, in turn, can lead to patterns of clinginess, over-tolerance, or staying in relationships that no longer serve either partner.

4. Avoidance of Healthy Boundaries

Unconditional love can sometimes be misunderstood as “no boundaries.” But boundaries are essential to healthy love because they define where one person’s identity and freedom end and another’s begin. Without them, emotional or psychological burnout may happen, and resentment may grow.

Talking about your fears and expectations, discussing what is allowed and what is unacceptable for both partners in relationships, is honest and normal, according to research on health-promoting behaviors [10]. If love is not unconditional, it can still be love.

To build and maintain healthy relationships, you need to set boundaries. Talk about what you are willing and unwilling to put up with, what words and actions offend you, what is missing in the relationship now, and what you would like to ask your partner. Such conversations create conditions, but without them, it’s difficult to maintain mature, conscious relationships.

It’s also important to build solid self-esteem and realize that you are valuable and worthy of love by default. According to studies on self-esteem and attachment, this is where you need to start. 

Unconditional and mature love grows from a sense of self, which is built on self-respect, self-confidence, and independence [9]. Without self-love, there may be nowhere to find the resources for unconditional love for someone else in romantic relationships. 

Unconditional Love vs Emotional Dependency

Unconditional love is possible in relationships where the partners have already managed to get to know each other well, have been through a lot, and have learned how to get out of difficult situations. They respect and appreciate each other, provide mutual support, and become devoted friends. They build a life together—projects, families, careers, and experience a sense of collaboration, shared values, teamwork, and resilience.

When love becomes spiritual, enduring, and ego-less, the partners may finally understand that they have made the right choice and are in harmony with each other. They develop devotion, affection, mutual trust, and respect.

While unconditional love in romantic relationships and friendships is rare or unhealthy, American psychologist and psychometrician Robert J. Sternberg offers three components of love representing a complete and balanced relationship [3]:

1. Intimacy

This component involves feelings of closeness and connection. There is an emotional investment in the relationship, characterized by sharing personal thoughts and feelings, mutual understanding, and a sense of warmth.

Intimacy implies a long-term and reliable connection based on mutual respect, trust, support, and understanding. There are limited to no emotional dramas or scandals. While even the strongest bonds experience conflict, partners in intimate relationships strive to approach disagreements collaboratively. They work together to resolve issues without resorting to destructive behaviors like excessive swearing, recalling past insults, or engaging in scenes that undermine mutual trust.

In contrast, relationships marked by dependency are often defined by more drama and “emotional swings” than peace and tranquility. Constant misunderstandings and conflicts can feel unsettling, and a lack of consistency often exacerbates anxiety and resentment. This leaves both partners feeling “on edge” around one another. 

2. Passion

This component refers to the drives that lead to romance and physical attraction. Sustaining passion through shared experiences, considerate actions, and ongoing physical and emotional intimacy can keep a relationship alive and fulfilling.

When love is mutual, honest, and passionate, there is less questioning about the other person’s loyalty. Partners can generally trust that the other person will not deliberately harm them.

In codependent relationships or those based on attachment trauma, the element of passion is often intensified, showing up as a constant need to be with the other person, to merge emotionally and physically, and to find identity through closeness with them. It may be accompanied by obsessive thoughts, jealousy, and a fear of betrayal.

3. Commitment

This component has two aspects:

• Short-term: The decision that one wants to stay together and make things serious. 
• Long-term: The sustained commitment to maintain that love, even through challenges. It’s the cognitive element of the relationship, involving the decision to stay together, work towards shared goals, and be emotionally available during tough times.

Commitment is also about accepting each other’s shortcomings and imperfections and understanding that some of their qualities can affect the relationship in a certain way. 

In contrast, codependency most often involves idealizing the partner and ignoring their shortcomings. “I see what I want to see” instead of “I see what really is.” Filling your partner with your expectations and fantasies can lead to disappointment in the relationship in the future.

Take the emotional intelligence test to recognize emotions and understand the motives and intentions of other people.

Symbols of Unconditional Love

Unconditional love is represented by symbols all over the world in different civilizations. Some of these elements have been passed down and adopted into the 21st century:

1. The Heart

The heart is the most recognized symbol for love worldwide. Even though its shape isn’t exactly like our organ, people have long seen it as the center of feelings, passion, and the soul. You see it in art, books, and daily life. The heart represents a pure, open, and endless source of emotion that gives and gets love freely.

2. Infinity Symbol 

The infinity symbol, sideways number eight, is used everywhere to mean forever, endlessness, and no limits. For love, it stands for eternal, boundless, and never-ending love. It’s a continuous loop, with no start or end, perfectly showing a love that has no limits on how long it lasts, how deep it is, or how much it can grow. It means a connection that goes beyond time and space, suggesting a love that’s always changing and expanding without holding back.

3. Doves

Doves have long been considered symbols of love and peace. Since these birds mate for life, they have become a symbol of fidelity. The image of two doves together represents endless love.

4. Lotus Flower

The Lotus is a spiritual symbol in Eastern traditions that represents purity, unconditional love, and rising above suffering.

5. Swans

These beautiful birds are timeless symbols of love, representing affection and devotion. Most of the images found in different cultures show swans touching their beaks or forming a heart shape with their necks. Moreover, since swans mate for life, they are a popular image of eternal love.

6. Love Knot

The Celtic Love Knot is one of the oldest symbols depicting eternal love. It is an intertwined pattern that has no beginning and no end. The Love Knot resembles a tied infinity sign and symbolizes the union of two souls. The knot is a metaphor and symbol of the spiritual bond between mother and child. It depicts endless love and friendship as a promise of eternity.

7. Claddagh Ring

Originating in Ireland, the Claddagh ring is a distinctive symbol of love, loyalty, and friendship. It features two hands holding a crowned heart. Each element carries a specific meaning: the heart symbolizes love, the hands represent friendship and togetherness, and the crown denotes loyalty. 

The way the ring is worn can even indicate the wearer’s relationship status. It brings together unconditional affection with strong friendship and solid loyalty, making it a powerful symbol of lasting commitment.

How to Cultivate Unconditional Love in Your Life

The first step in learning unconditional love is trying to embody it for yourself [7]. Here’s how to do it:

• begin to observe yourself, trying to forgive and trust yourself, and learn how to feel your feelings;
• clearly understand your personal boundaries and learn to defend them in a healthy way;
• recognize and work through the patterns of behavior that you follow in building relationships;
• learn to notice your own needs and satisfy them following your core values;
• allow yourself to be you without pretending or desperately pleasing those closest to you;
• try to avoid criticizing or humiliating yourself, or speaking and thinking badly about yourself, your appearance, behavior, actions;
• try to notice in other people the traits that trigger you in some way. Those parts of others that irritate you may become the key to self-acceptance;
• master the skill of talking about grievances and actively resolving conflicts, considering them as tasks that need to be solved.

The Breeze app can come in handy in self-discovery and practicing self-love. Here you can try powerful daily affirmations to boost your self-confidence, a mood tracker to notice clear patterns in your life, and customizable routines and mindfulness activities to take care of your well-being.  

Moreover, the app offers the personality type test, career guidance, parenting style quiz, and many other tests to help you gain insights into yourself and your relationships.

Sources

1. Smith, Kevin. Erich Fromm’s ‘The Art of Loving’: An existential, psychodynamic, and theological critique. 2020. 
2. Bowlby, J. Attachment and loss: Retrospect and prospect. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry.
3. Rogers, C.R. Significant aspects of client-centered therapy.
4. Beauregard M, Courtemanche J, Paquette V, St-Pierre ÉL. The neural basis of unconditional love. 2009.
5. Sternberg RJ. Liking versus loving: A comparative evaluation of theories.
6. Harvard Medical School. Love and the Brain. 2015.
7. Seshadri KG. The neuroendocrinology of love. July-August 2016.
8. Welwood J. On love: Conditional and unconditional.
9. Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. Self-esteem and the quest for felt security: How perceived regard regulates attachment processes. 2000. 
10. Sirois, F. M., Kitner, R., & Hirsch, J. K. (2015). Self-compassion, affect, and health-promoting behaviors. 2015.
11. Fakhra Jabeen, Charlotte Gerritsen, Jan Treur. Healing the next generation: an adaptive agent model for the effects of parental narcissism. March 2021.