Why Do People Cheat? 9 Individual Risk Factors and How To Heal

Why do people cheat? Is cheating always about dissatisfaction or something deeper? Can someone truly love their partner and still be unfaithful? 

Let’s figure out the common reasons explaining why people cheat, key factors that may influence their sexual behavior, and how to deal with the pain after cheating.

If you’re wondering whether a partner’s cheating may be part of a broader pattern of manipulation or emotional harm, consider taking a Narcissistic Partner Test to gain insight.

What Cheating Means in a Relationship

Cheating is any type of secret emotional, sexual, or romantic behavior that violates the overt exclusivity of romantic relationships [1]. It can be conceptualized into emotional, physical, and combined (sexual and emotional) cheating.

Emotional cheating involves forming a deep emotional connection with someone outside the relationship, sharing intimate thoughts, feelings, or support that would typically be reserved for a partner. Physical cheating, on the other hand, involves engaging in sexual or physically intimate acts with someone other than one’s partner. Sexual and emotional infidelity combine features of the two types.

But why is sexual exclusivity so important in many relationships? The idea of exclusivity has deep roots shaped by cultural traditions, societal norms, and the human need for dependable, trusting connections. Historically, it also helped to create stable families with clear partnership roles. In modern society, exclusivity remains a value because it helps people feel safe, loved, and committed in a relationship. 

However, there are no universal, written rules defining what counts as infidelity. It all comes down to different boundaries and needs within the relationship. Some people consider any physical contact, such as kissing or hugging, to be infidelity, while others are fine with their partner flirting, texting, and even having sex with other people, if there is no deep emotional connection. Others may consider sexual desires, fantasies, or watching pornographic content to be cheating.

That’s why only the two people in a relationship can set the boundaries and agreements on what is cheating and what is not that work for them. At its core, infidelity can be anything that feels unacceptable to one partner, and that’s why it’s important to talk openly about what cheating means to each of you.

9 Common Psychological Reasons People Cheat

While many assume that only those who are unhappy with their relationship and do not love their partner cheat, research on extramarital involvement and marital dissatisfaction shows that it is not that simple. During the study, 300 unfaithful surveyed partners, 56% of men and 34% of women, rated their relationship with a regular partner as “happy” or even “very happy” [2].

Then why do seemingly happy people have an affair? Here are nine key reasons why people in relationships may cheat:

1. Lack of Emotional Connection

When emotional intimacy feels inaccessible in a relationship, one or both partners may start to feel lonely, misunderstood, or undervalued. Without the sense of being emotionally seen and supported and sharing feelings with a partner, people might seek connection elsewhere, not always intentionally, but as a way to fill the emotional void. 

Cheating can then become a misguided attempt to regain the closeness, attention, and validation that feels missing at home.

2. Low Self-Esteem or Insecurity

Cheating for some people becomes an attempt to prove their worth. Whether conscious or not, they seek confirmation of their attractiveness, significance, and ability to feel good about themselves. A temporary boost to poor self-esteem through extramarital affairs can create the illusion of solving psychological problems like feeling worthless, but in the long term, such behavior may lead to crisis and guilt. 

Research on self-worth and infidelity in marriage shows that people with poor self-esteem are more likely to report cases of cheating in their relationships than those who are confident in themselves and their partners [3]. 

Moreover, both men and women are more likely to cheat on their spouses when they are more financially dependent on them, according to a study by the American Sociological Association [4].

3. Attachment Issues

Many partners prone to cheating have had painful experiences with attachment figures in the past. If others rejected them, were cold or aggressive, or if the person experienced childhood emotional neglect or abandonment, they may develop attachment trauma. 

The recent research shows that people with insecure attachment styles are more likely to engage in infidelity [5]. The reason is that people with anxious and avoidant attachment styles have difficulty trusting: they are either desperately afraid of being abandoned or try to avoid intense emotional closeness.

In this case, a person may consider emotional contact destructive, threatening, and therefore be afraid of it. The closer the relationship, the higher the “threat”. As a result, they may self-sabotage in relationships, feeling like “If I cheat, I will get sexual intimacy, avoiding interpersonal closeness. I will keep my loved one at a distance, and this will protect me from the pain”. These thoughts, in turn, may provoke searching for a “backup” option or parallel relationships. 

If you suspect childhood trauma may be influencing your relationship patterns, take a childhood trauma test to better understand your behavior and begin healing.

4. Low Commitment

Some people may simply have a low level of commitment to monogamy or long-term relationships, either due to personal values, past experiences, or a lack of clarity about what they truly want. For them, cheating is not a betrayal and is perceived as normal.

In these cases, cheating may not be driven by fear of intimacy but by a mindset that views exclusivity as optional or restrictive. These people might rationalize infidelity and explain such behavior by hormones and the inability to be monogamous, minimizing its emotional impact, or seeing it as a form of personal freedom.

5. Seeking Validation or Excitement

According to Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel, cheating isn’t about sex as much as it is about desire for attention, and feeling special and needed [6].

There’s a common belief that love cannot exist without attraction, and that attraction automatically means being in love. Because of this, a decrease in sexual desire toward a partner,  combined with interest in other people, may be misinterpreted as a sign that the old love has faded and a new one has begun. This misunderstanding can lead to infidelity.

In fact, attraction is not always associated with romantic feelings. Research on neural mechanisms for mate choice shows that different areas of the brain are responsible for sexual desire, falling in love, and attachment [7].

6. Situational and External Factors Behind Cheating

In a study on infidelity motives, 495 participants described all the reasons that prompted them to cheat, and also ranked them in order of importance. As it turned out, infidelity did not always arise from problems in the relationship, such as anger at the partner or lack of love. If such cheating did happen, it usually turned into a long-term affair and was not very carefully disguised [8].

The risk factor for cheating is related to the context that surrounded the unfaithful partner at that moment. “It just happened,” or “At that moment, I really wanted it.” Such betrayal can be called situational. Circumstances developed in such a way that infidelity became possible, accessible, and desirable. 

More than half of the participants said that they cheated to increase self-esteem, and that they were influenced by situational factors like stress, alcohol, being on vacation, and looking for new experiences. At the same time, unfaithful partners tried to hide the betrayal and did not want to break up with their regular partner.

Another study shows that cheating happens more often in summer and during holidays [9]. The reason is that people may go on vacations or attend social events with increased alcohol consumption, and break from their usual routines and responsibilities. This can make them feel freer and engage in risky behavior.

7. Feeling Lost or Going Through a Crisis 

Psychotherapist Esther Perel says that cheating creates the illusion of “autonomy and control”: a person feels independent of their partner [6]. They decide for themselves when to stop the affair and whether to talk about it.

The need to feel in full control of one’s life, including the impulse to cheat, can intensify when a person faces an existential crisis. As it was discovered in studies by American researchers, men aged 25–64 whose age ended in 9 were much more likely to sign up on a large affair-oriented dating website for people seeking extramarital affairs [10].

The reason is that people may search for meaning when they approach a new decade in chronological age. This is a typical age for an existential crisis marked by an evaluation of personal achievements, heightened awareness of life’s transience, and a sense of meaninglessness.

As a result, people may experience emotional instability and feeling lost. Cheating at such a time may be an attempt to change their life, try something new, or avoid negative emotions.

8. A Way to End a Relationship

Another common reason for cheating is wanting to get out of a relationship. When someone is unhappy but too scared, guilty, or conflict-averse to end it outright, cheating can seem like the logical way to end a relationship without having to say, “I don’t want to be with you anymore.”

This strategy may be painful for a person who has been cheated on, leaving them with betrayal trauma, undermined self-esteem, and the ability to trust people, thinking “I hate my husband/partner”.

9. Having Romantic Feelings for Someone Else

Sometimes, cheating happens not out of impulsivity or dissatisfaction, but because one partner develops romantic feelings for someone outside the relationship. Emotional closeness with a friend or colleague may gradually shift into something deeper.

This situation can be confusing and painful for a partner who is cheating. A person might still love their partner, but feel drawn to someone else. Rather than facing those feelings openly or resolving deeper issues in the primary relationship, some choose to act on the connection in secret.

How to Heal After a Partner’s Infidelity

Infidelity is a painful experience, but it can be a growth point, an opportunity to better understand yourself and your boundaries in a relationship. If you have been cheated on, it is up to you to decide how to proceed. Here are some tips that may help:

1. Give yourself time

You may be very angry and want to lash out at your partner with criticism and rage, but this will unlikely help you process what happened. Instead, try to focus on yourself, not your partner. Give yourself time to process the shock and pain you are experiencing. Don’t be alone and ask for support from close people you trust.

2. Don’t blame yourself

When a person finds out about their partner’s infidelity, they may get hung up on thoughts about why the betrayal happened and how it could have been prevented. Trying to find answers and wondering “What is wrong with me?” may be exhausting and discouraging. Remember, a partner’s cheating does not define your worth as a person. 

If you wonder how to stop overthinking after being cheated on, you may write a letter to your partner. You don’t need to send it, but you can show it to people you trust or discuss it with your mental health professional. 

In this case, journaling can be deeply therapeutic as it can help people process and understand their experience with infidelity and cope with painful emotions.

A 2019 study found that a six-week journaling intervention significantly reduced stress in people dealing with trauma. It also increased emotional resilience while lowering levels of rumination and depressive symptoms [11].

If you need a guided way to begin, consider using science-backed journaling in Breeze app. It designed to help you work through emotions and build mental clarity, step by step. Breeze offers structure, prompts, and therapeutic exercises to support your healing journey.

Try Breeze

3. Get all the answers you need to move on

Another way to reduce obsessive thinking is to make a specific list of questions for your partner. Remember, you don’t need answers to begin healing. Sometimes, not asking is part of self-care. 

However, if you feel like you need clarity for closure or to make a decision about your relationships, you can ask the following:

• How long did the betrayal last?
• Did the relationship end?
• How important was it for your partner?
• Does your partner intend to continue the current relationship with you?

Protect your emotional well-being by limiting the questions you ask right now. Try not to ask under what circumstances the betrayal occurred or other details that can fuel your negative fantasies, and prevent you from moving on.

After receiving the answers, you may be able to make a decision. If you believe trust can be restored and your partner is willing to work through the issues, there’s no shame in giving it a try. However, remember that some partners may not answer these questions or answer them honestly. You cannot control this. 

Sometimes people are ready to forgive infidelity, but do not know how to restore trust. Family therapy can help make the dialogue constructive, clarify the feelings and unmet needs of partners, helping to understand each other.

What If You’re the One Who Cheated?

If you are the one who cheated, it doesn’t inherently make you a bad person. Moreover, you may also need support and help to rebuild a sense of self-compassion, especially if you’re struggling with guilt, shame, or confusion about your actions. 

If you are ready to take responsibility, you may try the following:

1. Acknowledge the harm and apologize sincerely

Be honest with yourself and your partner about what happened and why. Offer a heartfelt apology that centers your partner’s pain, not your guilt or excuses. Own your choices without justifying them and telling, “Everyone makes mistakes,” or “At least I was honest about it afterward.” 

Avoid blame-shifting, such as “It’s your fault too, you pushed me away. I felt alone.” Finally, try not to use guilt-tripping or victim-playing explanations such as “I hated myself for it, isn’t that enough?” or “I’ve been under so much pressure lately.”

2. Be transparent

If your partner wants to understand the situation, try to be emotionally available and honest without getting defensive. Answer their questions without automatically providing details that may be harmful to them.

3. Respect their response

Give your partner time to comprehend what happened and be prepared for their emotional reaction. They may need space or time, or choose to walk away. Their response is valid.

4. Decide what you want

Are you ready to be in a committed relationship? Rebuilding trust is about consistently showing up with honesty and emotional presence. How long it will take a couple to restore closeness and trust and improve their relationship depends on their resources and ability to build communication.

5. Try therapy for self-awareness 

Understanding the nature of infidelity is the path to more conscious relationships, where partners don’t take relationships for granted, and don’t act on the autopilot of desires and fears, but make mature and responsible decisions. 

If you want to become more self-aware and gain insights into your personality and relationships, explore Breeze self-discovery tests. The app offers a variety of research-based quizzes on career, values, emotional intelligence, ADHD, childhood trauma, and many more, so you can take meaningful steps toward personal growth.

Sources

1. Rokach A, Chan SH. Love and Infidelity: Causes and Consequences. February 2023
2. Shirley P. Glass, Thomas L. Wright. Sex differences in type of extramarital involvement and marital dissatisfaction.
3. Susan H. Eaves, Misty Robertson-Smith. The Relationship Between Self-Worth and Marital Infidelity: A Pilot Study. October 2007
4. The American Sociological Association. People More Likely to Cheat as They Become More Economically Dependent on Their Spouses. June 1, 2015
5. Ghiasi N, Rasoal D, Haseli A, Feli R. The interplay of attachment styles and marital infidelity: A systematic review and meta-analysis. December 2023
6. Esther Perel. The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. October 10, 2017
7. Helen Fisher, Arthur Aron, Lucy L. Brown. Romantic love: An fMRI study of a neural mechanism for mate choice. December 2005
8. Selterman, D., Garcia, J. R., & Tsapelas, I. What Do People Do, Say, and Feel When They Have Affairs? Associations between Extradyadic Infidelity Motives with Behavioral, Emotional, and Sexual Outcomes. December 2020
9. Frank D Fincham, Ross W May. Infidelity in romantic relationships. February 2017
10. Adam L. Alter, Hal E. Hershfield. People search for meaning when they approach a new decade in chronological age. October, 2014
11. Oliver Glass, Mark Dreusicke, John Evans, Elizabeth Bechard, Ruth Q. Wolever. Expressive writing to improve resilience to trauma: A clinical feasibility trial. February 2019