Do you think relationships are too complicated, so you always try to keep things casual? Are you convinced that people always leave eventually? These beliefs may indicate a fear of intimacy.
Intimacy is an essential aspect of healthy relationships. However, for those who fear intimacy, the idea of becoming emotionally vulnerable or physically close to someone can trigger feelings of avoidance or emotional shutdown.
Ultimately, this fear of intimacy can affect romantic and family relationships, friendships, and even professional connections.
Fear of Intimacy Test
1. How do you feel about sharing personal details or vulnerable emotions with people you are close to?
a) I’m open and comfortable with it.
b) I might share sometimes but hesitate to open up fully.
c) I find it difficult to avoid sharing anything too personal, no matter how close I am to the person.
d) I rarely, if ever, share anything deep about myself.
2. Do you have difficulty trusting people?
a) No, I trust easily and without hesitation.
b) I trust most people, but I have a few reservations.
c) I often struggle with trusting people, even those I care about.
d) I refuse to trust anyone with no exceptions.)
3. How do you feel about physical touch with people you might like? (*Comfort levels with physical touch could be influenced by trauma, not fear of intimacy only)
a) I enjoy physical touch and feel comfortable with it.
b) I enjoy it sometimes but feel uneasy if it becomes too frequent.
c) I often feel uncomfortable with physical affection and try to avoid it.
d) I actively avoid physical touch and feel very uncomfortable when others try to be affectionate.
4. How do you feel when someone expresses strong feelings toward you (e.g., love, affection, care)?
a) I feel appreciated and comfortable receiving it.
b) I feel grateful but a bit uncomfortable with the intensity.
c) I feel overwhelmed and want to retreat.
d) I feel anxious and want to distance myself immediately.
5. Do you tend to keep your relationships on a surface level?
a) No, I value deep emotional connections.
b) Sometimes, but I try to open up when I feel ready.
c) Yes, I often avoid deeper emotional connections and retreat when the opportunity arises.
d) Yes, I purposely keep people at a distance to maintain control.
6. How do you feel about long-term commitments in relationships?
a) I’m comfortable with the idea of being committed and loyal.
b) I sometimes hesitate, but I’m willing to try it with the right person.
c) I’m often uncomfortable with the thought of long-term commitments.
d) I actively avoid discussions about long-term plans or commitments.
7. When things start getting serious in a relationship, what do you typically do?
a) I feel excited and ready to take things to the next level.
b) I feel conflicted and might pull back a little, but I try to work through it.
c) I start to feel overwhelmed and need space and permission to slow things down.
d) I often distance myself from the relationship entirely.
8. How do you react when a person you like wants to spend more time with you?
a) I’m happy to spend more time together.
b) I appreciate it but may need some time to adjust to the increased closeness.
c) I feel suffocated and start to pull away.
d) I feel anxious and immediately distance myself.
What are the results?
Mostly A’s:
You’re comfortable with intimacy
You likely have a healthy approach to intimacy and emotional connection. While everyone may feel insecurity or fear of intimacy sometimes, you usually enjoy getting close to others and find fulfillment in deep connections with them.
Mostly B’s:
You might have some hesitations about intimacy
It’s possible that you enjoy closeness but sometimes hesitate when things get too intense. You likely value relationships but may need more time or space to feel comfortable with emotional vulnerability.
Mostly C’s:
You likely struggle with intimacy anxiety
You may find emotional closeness difficult and pull away when relationships become more serious. It’s possible that your past experiences or fears might make it hard to connect with others. However, taking small steps toward vulnerability and seeking support might help you feel more comfortable in intimate situations.
Mostly D’s:
You may have a fear of intimacy
You might have significant intimacy avoidance, which often makes you avoid emotional or physical closeness altogether. This fear might come from past trauma or the belief that intimacy means getting hurt. Talking to a therapist could help you understand these fears and build healthier relationships.
Let’s take a closer look at the fear of intimacy, its causes, and how it shows itself.
What is Fear of Intimacy?
The fear of intimacy, also known as intimacy anxiety or relational fear, is a person’s difficulty or resistance to forming close, emotionally connected relationships with others.
People who fear intimacy or avoid it entirely may struggle with expressing their feelings, sharing personal experiences, or opening up about their needs and desires.
Wonder, “Why am I afraid of intimacy?” This fear can come from various factors, including:
- Past Trauma: ACEs, such as abuse or betrayal, can make it hard to trust others.
- Low Self-Esteem: Believing you’re unworthy of love or fear rejection can cause a person to keep others at a distance.
- Fear of Vulnerability: The risk of emotional exposure can feel threatening or overwhelming.
- Fear of Loss or Abandonment: Past experiences of abandonment may create intimacy anxiety.
- Attachment Issues: Unhealthy attachment patterns from childhood, such as neglect or inconsistent caregiving, can affect how a person forms connections later in life.
We asked Katherine Scott, M.Ed/Ed.S, LMFT, how attachment patterns can shape fear of intimacy.
Our attachment styles shape how we view relationships and how we show up in them. From infancy, we begin to form an internal narrative relating to how emotionally safe and reliable people are. If we have a consistent caregiver during this pivotal time in early childhood, we are more likely to feel secure enough to explore our worlds and relationships openly. However, if we form insecure attachment styles such as anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles, we struggle to feel emotionally safe enough to rely on and get close to others far into our adult lives.
Do you wonder if fear of intimacy might be related to your childhood trauma? Whether you experience difficulty connecting emotionally, avoid closeness, or sabotage relationships—it’s important to understand how trauma might be influencing your behavior.
7 Signs You Have a Fear of Intimacy
The fear of intimacy can be subtle and often hard to spot, especially because it doesn’t always look the same for everyone. Intimacy does not only mean sexual intimacy. When discussing the fear of intimacy, we are largely referring to emotional intimacy. The fear of emotional intimacy can largely influence one’s comfort with sexual intimacy.
Generally, intimacy anxiety is not about dislike or rejection of others but about the emotional vulnerability that intimacy demands.
1. You have a core belief that intimate relationships only come with conflict, drama, and potential breakups
Typically, people with a fear of intimacy may view relationships through a lens of distrust and skepticism. The fear is that once they share their true thoughts and emotions, the people they shared this with may misuse or misunderstand their openness, leading to unavoidable emotional pain or rejection.
A person with intimacy anxiety may perceive relationships not as a source of security and support but rather as potential minefields of conflict, drama, and inevitable heartbreak. For this reason, they often decide not to start a relationship.
Even if they do, they may believe it’s just a matter of time before everything falls apart.
As a result, people with a fear of intimacy may feel like things are “too good to be true,” constantly expect the worst, and sabotage relationships before they can fully develop.
Tip
Be accountable and recognize for your part in the relationship, whether it’s friendship or a romantic connection. Fear of intimacy can show up as self-sabotage or avoiding closeness. But it’s important to realize that you play a role as well in how intimacy develops in relationships.
Taking responsibility for your emotions and actions can help you feel more in control and less intimidated by intimacy.
First, think, “Why do I push people away?” and “How might I do it without realizing it?” Then, start making small efforts to connect more.
For example, you can talk about your feelings, ask for clarity when you’re unsure about the relationship, or be more present as the relationship grows.
2. You stay constantly busy
Compulsively keeping busy is a common coping mechanism for people with a fear of intimacy.
In this case, intimacy anxiety makes people keep themselves busy with work, hobbies, social events, or even household chores to avoid getting close to others emotionally.
The reason is staying busy can distract a person with a fear of intimacy from vulnerability. They may feel the need to always be doing something to avoid quiet moments when deeper feelings and connections could appear.
To give an example, imagine your friend suggests spending an evening together. But instead of enjoying this opportunity to connect, you might need to keep busy with something else. You might tell them, “I’ve got to finish a report for work,” even though there’s no immediate deadline.
The reason is you might worry that if you spend too much time alone with others, you might become too dependent or reveal too much of yourself.
3. You avoid serious conversations
For people with a fear of intimacy, avoiding serious conversations often becomes a defense mechanism to protect themselves from vulnerability and emotional closeness.
Commonly, they might instinctively change the subject or pull away when conversations get too emotional or personal. They may deflect to humor or sarcasm to shift the conversational environment to something more surface-level.
This fear is not necessarily about the conversation itself but about what it represents: a step closer to a deeper emotional bond, which can feel overwhelming and unsafe.
If the relationship starts to get serious, people with a fear of intimacy may avoid discussions about the future.
In most cases, if their partner wants to talk about long-term plans like moving in together, marriage, or having kids, people with intimacy anxiety may start to feel suffocated.
The more their partner talks about these things, the more people with a fear of intimacy may shut down or try to change the subject. People with a dismissive avoidant attachment style may also show similar behavior.
Tip
Try to challenge your negative beliefs about the worthiness of emotional intimacy. Often, people with a fear of intimacy hold negative beliefs about themselves or relationships, like “I’m not worthy of love” or “Relationships will always lead to pain.”
Identifying and changing these beliefs can help a person with a fear of intimacy reframe how they approach intimacy.
Reframing means replacing negative beliefs with more positive, realistic, or neutral thoughts. Instead of seeing intimacy as a source of pain, try to view it as an opportunity for growth and connection.
Reframe the belief that relationships are doomed to fail with more empowering thoughts like:
- “I am worthy of healthy love”
- “I can trust people who show me respect and care”
- “Love can be safe and fulfilling when I allow myself to be vulnerable”
- “I have the power to heal and create healthier relationships moving forward”
4. You feel trapped as the relationship grows more intimate
The fear of intimacy often comes from a belief that emotional closeness can lead to losing control. People who have intimacy anxiety may see getting close to others as a potential threat to their independence.
Moreover, they may struggle with the idea that being close to someone will lead them to lose their sense of self. They worry they’ll have to sacrifice their individuality.
Thus, a relationship, particularly a serious or committed one, can feel like a “chain” for someone with a fear of intimacy. Therefore, people may choose to be single to maintain their freedom.
At the same time, when entering into relationships, people with intimacy anxiety may also feel like their partner is taking their life over.
As an illustration, imagine you’re in a relationship, and your partner expresses their love or affection in a very deep, meaningful way.
For most people, this may be a positive moment of connection. However, if you fear intimacy, you may feel overwhelmed or even trapped by the intensity of their feelings.
For instance, your partner says, “I can’t imagine my life without you.” But instead of feeling touched or excited, you feel a rush of panic and urgency to “escape” the conversation, even if you truly care about them.
Such reactions may even make you wonder, “Am I emotionally unavailable?”
Tip
Develop healthy boundaries to find a balance between emotional closeness and maintaining a sense of self.
As an example, you may enjoy spending time with a person you like but need personal space to recharge.
In this case, setting a boundary by asking for time alone can help avoid intimacy anxiety while still keeping the relationship close.
5. You refuse to define the relationship’s status
People with intimacy anxiety may feel that putting a label on their relationship would create expectations or pressure, which they fear.
Labels like “boyfriend/girlfriend,” “partner,” or “in a relationship” can feel like a commitment, which might make them anxious or uncomfortable.
The reason is people with a fear of intimacy may worry that once it’s “official,” they must act in certain ways. Or, that they will find it harder to leave if the relationship no longer feels right.
To illustrate, imagine you’re seeing someone, and things are going well. At some point, this person asks, “So, what are we? Do you see us together long-term?”
Instead of giving a clear answer, you might say something non-committal like, “Let’s just enjoy what we have right now,” or “I’m not sure. Let’s take it slow.”
Tip
If you’re uncomfortable with commitments, try easing into it. Instead of jumping straight into labeling the relationship, you can start by taking smaller steps.
For example, you might not be ready to call someone your “partner,” but you could agree to be exclusive or commit to having regular date nights.
6. You choose a long-distance relationship or fall for unavailable people
For someone with a fear of intimacy, one of the most common patterns is the tendency to choose relationships that offer emotional distance or minimal involvement.
In long-distance relationships, physical separation can make it easier to control the level of emotional closeness. The distance creates a built-in barrier to true emotional intimacy, reducing the need for frequent, deep, or vulnerable interactions.
The same holds for relationships with emotionally unavailable people—whether they are already involved with someone else, have commitment issues, or are simply distant or non-communicative.
These relationships provide just enough interaction to keep the connection going but never really allow for the level of emotional closeness that could lead to deeper intimacy.
Tip
Katherine Scott, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, explained how to stop choosing unavailable people as relationship partners if you fear intimacy.
Self-awareness is key. Only when we commit to self-examination of our own lens and perspective do we allow ourselves opportunities for change. For example, when you begin to gravitate toward a person, writing down a list of reasons why you feel emotionally safe and comfortable with them could be helpful. By writing this down, you are able to visualize the themes that occur to contribute to your willingness to ‘choose’ someone to spend your time with. If themes such as ‘they have their own independence in Ohio’ while you are in Georgia, or ‘they don’t expect much from me,’ then flag these reasons as barriers to connection and emotional intimacy.
7. You overthink in the relationship
Overthinking is one of the most common signs of fear of intimacy, particularly in women. People with intimacy anxiety may often feel uncertain about other people’s feelings and whether their relationship will last.
Even when there’s no evidence to suggest there’s a problem, a person with intimacy anxiety may still find themselves second-guessing the relationship. The same behavior is typical for people with a disorganized (fearful) avoidant attachment style or anxious attachment style.
This, in turn, creates unnecessary stress and can lead to self-doubt and emotional exhaustion.
For instance, people with a fear of intimacy might frequently ask their partner if they’re sure about the relationship on multiple occasions, struggling to trust their answer if it is positive.
Typically, a person with intimacy anxiety may say something like, “You’re not thinking of breaking up with me, are you?” or “Are we okay? Do you still love me?” even if everything seems fine.
Tip
The first step is becoming aware of the negative or anxious thoughts driving your overthinking. It might sound like, “I’m not good enough for them,” or “They’re going to leave me eventually,” or “‘How could someone like me be with someone so amazing?”
Once you’ve identified the negative thought, the next step is to ask yourself if there’s any substantial concrete evidence to support it. Is there anything in your partner’s behavior, actions, or words that actually suggests the fear is valid? Or are you making assumptions based on your own insecurities or anxiety and imagining the worst-case scenario?
Finally, instead of thinking, “My partner is going to leave me,” you might reframe the thought to something like, “I’ve noticed that we’ve been growing closer and communicating more deeply and this is scary for me.”
