Do you think relationships are too complicated, so you always try to keep things casual? Are you convinced that people always leave eventually? These beliefs may indicate a fear of intimacy.
Intimacy is an essential aspect of romantic partnerships and any other close relationships. However, for those who fear intimacy, the idea of becoming emotionally vulnerable or physically close to someone can trigger feelings of avoidance or emotional shutdown.
Ultimately, if one partner fears intimacy, it can affect family and romantic relationships, friendships, and even professional connections. Let’s take a closer look at the fear of intimacy, its causes, and how it shows itself.
Whether you experience difficulty connecting emotionally, avoid closeness, or sabotage relationships, take a test to understand how childhood relationships might influence your behavior.
What is Fear of Intimacy?
The fear of intimacy, also known as intimacy anxiety or relational fear, is a person’s difficulty or resistance to forming close, emotionally fulfilling relationships with others. People who fear intimacy or avoid it entirely may struggle with expressing their feelings, sharing personal experiences, or opening up about their needs and desires.
Types of Intimacy People May Fear
According to research on intimacy issues, there are five different types of intimacy [1]:
1. Emotional Intimacy
A person feels uncomfortable being vulnerable and open with another person. This includes difficulty expressing feelings, sharing fears, or trusting someone, tied to fear of rejection because of past trauma.
2. Social Intimacy
Discomfort with connecting in groups, such as with friends, family, or a partner’s social circle. People who have an intense fear of social intimacy may isolate themselves or avoid letting others see how close they are to someone.
3. Sexual Intimacy
Fear of closeness and vulnerability in physical intimacy. This might come from trauma, body dysmorphia, or shame.
4. Intellectual Intimacy
This can include hesitance to express innermost feelings or beliefs, or to have deep conversations. The reason is that a person may fear judgment, disagreement, or feeling “not smart enough.”
5. Recreational Intimacy
Anxiety around sharing fun or leisure activities with others. People may avoid playing, exploring hobbies, or trying new things in their personal relationships. The reason is that they may fear it will create too much closeness or lead to an emotional connection.
Intimacy Fear vs Vulnerability
Fear of intimacy in adult relationships may be rooted in the fear of being vulnerable in front of another person, according to research on intimacy theory [2]. Vulnerability is the ability to be honest and emotionally available to share your true feelings, needs, and fears without knowing how the other person will respond. It’s a necessary part of building trust and connection in any close relationship.
A person who fears intimacy can show it in different ways: from avoiding some important conversations to constantly maintaining an emotional distance. They may remain isolated, increasing feelings of loneliness.
The fear of being vulnerable is associated with our past experiences, when frankness led to pain or rejection, according to research on the development and validation of an emotional vulnerability [7]. The defense mechanisms formed as a result of such situations become an obstacle for a person on the way to establishing trusting relationships.
They create emotional barriers around themselves that, on the one hand, protect them from possible wounds, but on the other hand, deprive them of the opportunity to experience a deep connection with others.
7 Signs You Have a Fear of Intimacy
The fear of intimacy can be subtle and hard to spot because it doesn’t always look the same for everyone. Intimacy does not only mean sexual intimacy. When discussing the fear of intimacy, we are largely referring to emotional intimacy. Generally, intimacy anxiety is not about dislike or rejection of others but about the emotional vulnerability that intimacy demands.
1. You have a core belief that intimate relationships only come with conflict, drama, and potential breakups
People with a fear of intimacy may view relationships through a lens of distrust and skepticism. The fear is that once they share their true thoughts and emotions, the people they shared this with may misuse or misunderstand their openness, leading to unavoidable emotional pain or rejection.
A person with intimacy anxiety may perceive relationships not as a source of security and support but rather as potential minefields of conflict, drama, and inevitable heartbreak. For this reason, they may decide not to start a relationship.
Even if they do, they may believe it’s just a matter of time before everything falls apart. People with a fear of intimacy may feel like things are “too good to be true,” constantly expect the worst, and sabotage relationships before they can fully develop.
Tip
Be accountable and recognize your part in the relationship, whether it’s friendship or a romantic connection. Fear of intimacy can show up as self-sabotage or avoiding closeness. But it’s important to realize that you play a role as well in how intimacy develops in relationships. Taking responsibility for your emotions and actions can help you feel more in control and less intimidated by intimacy.
First, think, “Why do I push people away?” and “How might I do it without realizing it?” Then, start making small efforts to connect more. For example, you can talk about your feelings, ask for clarity when you’re unsure about the relationship, or be more present as the relationship grows.
2. You stay constantly busy
Compulsively keeping busy is a common coping strategy for people with a fear of intimacy, according to research on Attachment Theory [3]. In this case, intimacy anxiety makes people keep themselves busy with work, hobbies, social events, or even household chores to avoid getting close to others emotionally.
The reason is that staying busy can distract a person with a fear of intimacy from vulnerability, or if you spend too much time alone with others, you might become too dependent or reveal too much of yourself. They may feel the need to always be doing something to avoid quiet moments when deeper feelings and connections could appear.
To give an example, imagine your friend suggests spending an evening together. But instead of enjoying this opportunity to connect, you might need to keep busy with something else. You might tell them, “I’ve got to finish a report for work,” even though there’s no immediate deadline.
Tip
Want to better explore and understand your feelings? Try Breeze journaling. By regularly writing down your thoughts and emotions without judgment or the need to be perfect, you can start to notice patterns around what makes you afraid to get close to others.
Breeze’s self-reflective questions may help you become more aware of your fears, where they come from, and how they affect your relationships. Moreover, you may find it helpful to not only write down your fears but also challenge them with facts to gain a clearer, more balanced perspective.
Writing honestly about concerns, hopes, and experiences related to intimacy can gradually reduce anxiety and build emotional confidence. Later, it makes it easier to share feelings with others in real life because you have already begun to process, accept and feel your feelings.
In the app, you may also find a lot of informative tests and quizzes on your personality, relationships, emotional intelligence, and many more to get valuable insights and become the best version of yourself.
3. You avoid serious conversations
For people with a fear of intimacy, avoiding serious conversations becomes a defense mechanism to protect themselves from vulnerability and emotional closeness. They might instinctively change the subject or pull away when conversations get too emotional or personal.
They may also use humor or sarcasm to shift the conversation to something more surface-level. This fear is not necessarily about the conversation itself but about what it represents: a step closer to a deeper emotional bond, which can feel overwhelming and unsafe.
If the relationship starts to get serious, people with a fear of intimacy may avoid discussions about the future. In most cases, if their partner wants to talk about long-term plans like moving in together, marriage, or having kids, people with intimacy anxiety may start to feel suffocated.
The more their partner talks about these things, the more people with a fear of intimacy may shut down or try to change the subject. People with a dismissive avoidant attachment style may also show similar behavior.
Tip
Try to challenge your negative beliefs about the worthiness of emotional intimacy, like “I’m not worthy of love” or “Relationships will always lead to pain.”
Identifying and changing these beliefs can help a person with a fear of intimacy reframe how they approach intimacy. Reframing means replacing negative beliefs with more positive, realistic, or neutral thoughts. Instead of seeing intimacy as a source of pain, try to view it as an opportunity for growth and connection.
Reframe the belief that relationships are doomed to fail with more empowering thoughts like:
- “I am worthy of healthy love.”
- “I can trust people who show me respect and care.”
- “Love can be safe and fulfilling when I allow myself to be vulnerable.”
- “I have the power to heal and create healthier relationships moving forward”.
Have you ever avoided serious conversations in relationships to protect yourself from vulnerability?
4. You feel trapped as the relationship grows more intimate
The fear of intimacy might come from a belief that emotional closeness can lead to losing control. People who have intimacy anxiety may see getting close to others as a potential threat to their independence.
They may also find it hard to accept that closeness can lead to losing one’s identity. They worry they’ll have to sacrifice their individuality. Thus, a relationship, particularly a serious or committed one, can feel like a “chain” for someone with a fear of intimacy. Therefore, people may choose to be single to maintain their freedom.
At the same time, when entering into relationships, people with intimacy anxiety may also feel like their partner is taking their life over. As an illustration, imagine you’re in a relationship, and your partner expresses their love or affection in a very deep, meaningful way.
For most people, this may be a positive moment of connection. However, if you fear intimacy, you may feel overwhelmed or even trapped by the intensity of your feelings. Your partner says, “I can’t imagine my life without you.” But instead of feeling touched or excited, you feel a rush of panic and urgency to “escape” the conversation, even if you truly care about them. Such reactions may even make you wonder, “Am I emotionally unavailable?”
Tip
Develop healthy boundaries to find a balance between emotional closeness and maintaining a sense of self. As an example, you may enjoy spending time with a person you like, but need personal space to recharge. In this case, setting a boundary by asking for time alone can help avoid intimacy anxiety while still keeping the relationship close.
5. You refuse to define the relationship’s status
People with intimacy anxiety may feel that putting a label on their relationship would create expectations or pressure, which they fear. Labels like “boyfriend/girlfriend,” “partner,” or “in a relationship” can feel like a commitment, which might make them anxious or uncomfortable.
The reason is people with a fear of intimacy may worry that once it’s “official,” they must act in certain ways. Or, that they will find it harder to leave if the relationship no longer feels right.
To illustrate, imagine you’re seeing someone, and things are going well. At some point, this person asks, “So, what are we? Do you see us together long-term?” Instead of giving a clear answer, you might say something non-committal like, “Let’s just enjoy what we have right now,” or “I’m not sure. Let’s take it slow.”
Tip
If you feel uncomfortable with commitments, try easing into it. Instead of jumping straight into labeling the romantic relationship, you can start by taking smaller steps. For example, you might not be ready to call someone your “partner,” but you could agree to be exclusive or commit to having regular date nights.
6. You choose a long-distance relationship or fall for unavailable people
For someone with a fear of intimacy, one of the most common patterns is the tendency to choose unstable relationships that offer emotional distance or minimal involvement. In long-distance relationships, physical separation can make it easier to control the level of emotional closeness. The distance creates a built-in barrier to true intimacy in romantic relationships, reducing the need for frequent, deep, or vulnerable interactions.
The same holds for relationships with emotionally unavailable people—whether they are already involved with someone else, have commitment issues, or are simply distant or non-communicative. These relationships provide just enough interaction to keep the connection going, but never really allow for the level of emotional closeness that could lead to deeper intimacy.
Tip
Katherine Scott, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, explained how to stop choosing unavailable people as relationship partners if you fear intimacy.
Self-awareness is key. Only when we commit to self-examination of our own lens and perspective do we allow ourselves opportunities for change. For example, when you begin to gravitate toward a person, writing down a list of reasons why you feel emotionally safe and comfortable with them could be helpful. By writing this down, you are able to visualize the themes that occur to contribute to your willingness to ‘choose’ someone to spend your time with. If themes such as ‘they have their own independence in Ohio’ while you are in Georgia, or ‘they don’t expect much from me,’ then flag these reasons as barriers to connection and emotional intimacy.
7. You overthink in the relationship
Overthinking is one of the most common signs of fear of intimacy, particularly in women. People with intimacy anxiety may often feel uncertain about other people’s feelings and whether their relationship will last.
Even when there’s no evidence to suggest there’s a problem, a person with intimacy anxiety may still find themselves second-guessing the relationship. The same behavior is typical for people with a disorganized (fearful) avoidant attachment style or anxious attachment style.
This, in turn, creates unnecessary stress and can lead to self-doubt and emotional exhaustion.
For instance, people with a fear of intimacy might frequently ask their partner if they’re sure about the relationship on multiple occasions, feeling worthless and struggling to trust their answer if it is positive.
Typically, a person with intimacy anxiety may say something like, “You’re not thinking of breaking up with me, are you?” or “Are we okay? Do you still love me?” even if everything seems fine.
Tip
The first step is becoming aware of the negative or anxious thoughts driving your overthinking. It might sound like, “I’m not good enough for them,” or “They’re going to leave me eventually,” or “‘How could someone like me be with someone so amazing?”
Once you’ve identified the negative thought, the next step is to ask yourself if there’s any substantial, concrete evidence to support it. Is there anything in your partner’s behavior, actions, or words that actually suggests the fear is valid? Or are you making assumptions based on your own insecurities or anxiety and imagining the worst-case scenario?
Finally, instead of thinking, “My partner is going to leave me,” you might reframe the thought to something like, “I’ve noticed that we’ve been growing closer and communicating more deeply, and this is scary for me.”
What Causes Fear of Intimacy
Wonder, “Why am I afraid of intimacy?” This fear can come from various factors, including [1]:
1. Childhood trauma and attachment issues
ACEs, such as neglect, inconsistent caregiving, betrayal, or abandonment trauma, can make it hard to trust others. Fear of abandonment may give rise to anxious expectations that the other will leave, abandoning you physically and/or emotionally.
People with abandonment trauma can have a painful fear of loneliness associated with intense emotions that they experienced in childhood, feeling an acute need for the presence and attention of their parents. They may either isolate themselves from others or become overly dependent, losing their autonomy.
2. Past abuse
Another reason for the fear of intimacy is a traumatic experience that the person experienced in past relationships. This can include physical or emotional abuse, loss of a loved one, and any betrayal on the part of a partner.
As a result, a person may become anxious, wondering how to stop overthinking after being cheated on, and develop a fear of repeating this painful experience. In this case, the risk of any emotional exposure can feel threatening or overwhelming, which leads to a deep fear of trusting and opening up to someone again.
3. Intimacy Anxiety and Phobia
It’s common to feel nervous or uncomfortable with emotional or physical closeness, but when this fear becomes intense and persistent, it may develop into clinical intimacy anxiety disorder. According to research on anxiety disorders and intimate relationships, this mental health condition can make forming close relationships extremely difficult, causing distress and avoidance of intimacy altogether, and may require mental health professional intervention [5].
Fear of Sexual Intimacy (Erotophobia)
Erotophobia is a specific fear or anxiety around sexual contact or sexual situations. Unlike general intimacy anxiety, erotophobia focuses on sexual intimacy and can stem from past trauma, cultural messages, or deep-seated fears. It can cause avoidance of sexual relationships and difficulties in romantic connections.
Consequences of Fear of Intimacy
Fear of intimacy can have a negative influence on one’s mental health. It can cause anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, according to studies on depressive symptoms and romantic relationship qualities, anxiety disorders, and intimate relationships [4,5].
Self-sabotaging behaviors
Self-sabotaging relationships means that person engages in behaviors that threaten, harm, and even ruin their relationships. It can be seen as a quick fix to avoid being abandoned, or as a self-fulfilling prophecy that “I knew I was going to get abandoned anyway.”
According to research on romantic self-sabotage, the root of any self-sabotage is usually fears of abandonment as well as issues with self-identity and low self-esteem [6]. After experiencing abuse, neglect, or abandonment, one’s inner voice can become overly critical. These messages can resonate with negative beliefs such as “Leave them before they leave you.”
Relationship problems and loneliness
People who experience intimacy challenges may begin to doubt themselves and their ability to form deep connections with others. They can feel more comfortable and secure when they are not dependent on other people.
Also, they may maintain an emotional distance from people, avoid deep conversations, physical contact and meaningful relationships with other people. This can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation, a lack of support and understanding in their lives.
Fear of Intimacy Test
1. How do you feel about sharing personal details or vulnerable emotions with people you are close to?
a) I’m open and comfortable with it.
b) I might share sometime, but I hesitate to open up fully.
c) I find it difficult to avoid sharing anything too personal, no matter how close I am to the person.
d) I rarely, if ever, share anything deep about myself.
2. Do you have difficulty trusting people?
a) No, I trust easily and without hesitation.
b) I trust most people, but I have a few reservations.
c) I often struggle with trusting people, even those I care about.
d) I refuse to trust anyone with no exceptions.
3. How do you feel about physical touch with people you might like? (*Comfort levels with physical touch could be influenced by trauma, not fear of intimacy only.)
a) I enjoy physical touch and feel comfortable with it.
b) I enjoy it sometimes, but feel uneasy if it becomes too frequent.
c) I often feel uncomfortable with physical affection and try to avoid it.
d) I actively avoid physical touch and feel very uncomfortable when others try to be affectionate.
4. How do you feel when someone expresses strong feelings toward you (e.g., love, affection, care)?
a) I feel appreciated and comfortable receiving it.
b) I feel grateful but a bit uncomfortable with the intensity.
c) I feel overwhelmed and want to retreat.
d) I feel anxious and want to distance myself immediately.
5. Do you tend to keep your relationships on a surface level?
a) No, I value deep emotional connections.
b) Sometimes, but I try to open up when I feel ready.
c) Yes, I often avoid deeper emotional connections and retreat when the opportunity arises.
d) Yes, I purposely keep people at a distance to maintain control.
6. How do you feel about long-term commitments in relationships?
a) I’m comfortable with the idea of being committed and loyal.
b) I sometimes hesitate, but I’m willing to try it with the right person.
c) I’m often uncomfortable with the thought of long-term commitments.
d) I actively avoid discussions about long-term plans or commitments.
7. When things start getting serious in a relationship, what do you typically do?
a) I feel excited and ready to take things to the next level.
b) I feel conflicted and might pull back a little, but I try to work through it.
c) I start to feel overwhelmed and need space and permission to slow things down.
d) I often distance myself from the relationship entirely.
8. How do you react when a person you like wants to spend more time with you?
a) I’m happy to spend more time together.
b) I appreciate it, but I may need some time to adjust to the increased closeness.
c) I feel suffocated and start to pull away.
d) I feel anxious and immediately distance myself.
What are the results?
Mostly A’s:
You’re comfortable with intimacy
You likely have a healthy approach to intimacy and emotional connection. While everyone may feel insecurity or fear emotional or physical intimacy sometimes, you usually enjoy getting close to others and find fulfillment in deep connections with them.
Mostly B’s:
You might have some hesitations about intimacy
You may enjoy closeness, but sometimes hesitate when things get too intense. You likely value relationships but may need more time or space to feel comfortable with emotional vulnerability.
Mostly C’s:
You likely struggle with intimacy anxiety
You may find emotional closeness difficult and pull away when relationships become more serious. It’s possible that your past experiences or fears might make it hard to connect with others. However, taking small steps toward vulnerability and seeking support might help you feel more comfortable in intimate situations.
Mostly D’s:
You may have a fear of intimacy
You might have significant intimacy avoidance, which can make you avoid emotional or physical closeness altogether. This fear might come from past trauma or the belief that intimacy means getting hurt. Talking to a therapist could help you understand these fears and build healthier relationships.
How to Overcome Fear of Intimacy Using Therapy Methods
If you feel you may need help to overcome a fear of emotional or physical intimacy, you may seek professional help. Two common approaches that have been proven effective with this are Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and attachment-based therapy.
CBT works by helping people notice and change negative thought patterns that may be getting in the way of closeness in personal relationships, like “If I open up, I’ll get hurt.” Through simple exercises, such as identifying negative self-talk and replacing them with more balanced thoughts and self-compassion, people learn that building intimacy doesn’t always lead to pain or rejection.
Attachment-based therapy focuses more on how childhood experiences and early relationships, especially with parents or caregivers, influence our mental health and shape how we connect with intimate partners later in life. This therapy focuses on healing those old wounds by creating a safe and supportive relationship between the therapist and the person. Through this trusting connection, the person learns new ways to feel secure, express vulnerable feelings, and get positive emotions from true intimacy.
Your therapist may also use the Psychometric Scale FIS (Fear of Intimacy Scale), which measures the level of your intimacy avoidance and identifies specific fears or barriers you might have around intimacy. The FIS also tracks your progress over time, showing how your comfort with intimacy improves as therapy continues.
Frequently asked questions
1. What’s the difference between fear of intimacy and fear of vulnerability?
Fear of intimacy is the fear of forming close emotional or physical connections with others, rooted in past relational experiences or attachment issues. Fear of vulnerability is the discomfort with showing your true thoughts, emotions, or weaknesses.
2. Can you overcome it completely?
Yes, fear of intimacy and vulnerability can be overcome, but it takes time, self-awareness, and intentional effort. With the help of psychotherapy, support from close ones, and self-awareness, a person can overcome these limitations and learn to build healthy and harmonious relationships with people around them.
3. Are there gender differences?
Sources
- Anita L. Vangelisti, Gary Beck. Intimacy and Fear of Intimacy. January 2007
- Khalifian C, Barry R. Expanding intimacy theory: Vulnerable disclosures and partner responding. June, 2019
- David A. Richards, Aaron Schat. Attachment at (Not to) Work: Applying Attachment Theory to Explain Individual Behavior in Organizations. August 2010
- Vujeva HM, Furman W. Depressive symptoms and romantic relationship qualities from adolescence through emerging adulthood: A longitudinal examination of influences. January 2011
- Zaider TI, Heimberg RG, Iida M. Anxiety disorders and intimate relationships: a study of daily processes in couples. February 2010
- Peel R, Caltabiano N, Buckby B, McBain K. Defining romantic self-sabotage: A thematic analysis of interviews with practising psychologists. Journal of Relationships Research. July 2019
- Yamaguchi S, Kawata Y, Murofushi Y, Ota T. The development and validation of an emotional vulnerability scale for university students. September 2022
Disclaimer
This article is for general informative and self-discovery purposes only. It should not replace expert guidance from professionals.
Any action you take in response to the information in this article, whether directly or indirectly, is solely your responsibility and is done at your own risk. Breeze content team and its mental health experts disclaim any liability, loss, or risk, personal, professional, or otherwise, which may result from the use and/or application of any content.
Always consult your doctor or other certified health practitioner with any medical questions or concerns
Breeze articles exclusively cite trusted sources, such as academic research institutions and medical associations, including research and studies from PubMed, ResearchGate, or similar databases. Examine our subject-matter editors and editorial process to see how we verify facts and maintain the accuracy, reliability, and trustworthiness of our material.
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