Should I Be Upset that My Boyfriend Looks at Other Females Online?

“My boyfriend looks at other women online. He looks at girls on Instagram. He likes their photos […] I love my boyfriend, and I know he loves me, but if he can’t stop looking at other women (even if it’s online), then I don’t know if I can continue to be with him.”

This Reddit post on r/AmIOverreacting describes what thousands of women deal with regularly. Some people insist that 90% of men look at other women, but it may still feel wrong to you. This article is for those who are confused and want to find answers. 

Why does my boyfriend look at other females online? 7 potential reasons

When your suspicions about your man looking at other girls* online are confirmed, your first reaction can be “But why?” This reaction is totally valid. Your brain tries to find an explanation for something that feels totally unexpected.

There are 7 potential explanations why your boyfriend looks at other females:

1. It’s a habit without any emotional attachment
2. He has compulsive tendencies toward scrolling/pornography
3. He has low self-esteem and seeks an ego boost.
4. He has unmet emotional or physical needs.
5. He doesn’t know that his online behavior hurts you.
6. He has already detached from you emotionally.
7. He tries to manipulate you.

In most of the cases of men looking at other women, there is a combination of reasons. But see how there isn’t a reason that would say that you did something wrong? Because you didn’t. Your partner’s behavior is his responsibility. Now, let’s get down to what these reasons actually mean.

*By “looking at other women,” we mean viewing explicit, erotic, or “Bait and Switch” content when influencers hide adult content in social media posts.

1. It’s an (involuntary) habit

There is nothing wrong with noticing attractive people. This is an automatic reaction of our brains: we detect physical attractiveness in just 200 milliseconds [1] Natural Tendency towards Beauty in Humans: Evidence from Binocular Rivalry. Ce Mo, Tiansheng Xia, Kaixin Qin, Lei Mo. PLoS One. 2016. .

This brain reaction is unavoidably followed by surges of dopamine and oxytocin. These hormones are also produced when we do something nice, like hear a favorite song. The desire for dopamine is strong, which can make your boyfriend unconsciously stop at photos/videos of attractive women.

And if your man looks at other women on social media, this gets trickier because social media has an algorithm that literally promotes beautiful people [2] They are more beautiful than me! How social media use increases women’s body-related envy and cosmetic surgery consideration. Minhui Li, Xingming Li, Feng Yang, Tianning Zhang. Frontiers in Psychology. 2025. :

• Users naturally linger longer on more aesthetically pleasing content → Algorithm promotes these videos more.
• Algorithms automatically give preferential tagging and visibility to conventionally attractive faces → More beautiful girls end up on your bf’s page.

2. He has a compulsion

Seeing beautiful triggers dopamine release, which also coincides with addiction behaviors. If your partner already has an addiction history or a genetic predisposition to dopamine malfunction, his looking at other women online can be less about attraction and more about compulsion.

In some cases, actively seeking and engaging with sexual content online is a sign of:

• Pornography addiction
• OCD compulsions
• Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder (CSBD)

A disorder or a compulsion can be shameful, which might explain why your husband might lie about looking at other women. But the responsibility to seek professional help is still on him.

3. He seeks an ego boost 

Personal insecurity can make people desperate for validation. And it doesn’t matter where this validation comes from: strangers online, likes and views, flirting with an unknown girl on the Internet. As long as it makes your boyfriend better about himself, he’ll do it.

But why isn’t your validation enough for your significant other? People who are insecure rarely turn to loved ones for an ego boost. Novelty, attention, and praise from strangers feel more impactful because it’s low-risk and mostly impartial. 

When your boyfriend looks at other females online, he gets to create a new persona, more successful and confident, that he’s afraid to be in real life. Watching other women, deciding when to scroll, and commenting on their bodies can also give him perceived power over them. And this power boosts the ego.

4. His needs aren’t met

When your man looks at other women, it means that the looking gives him something. This “something” potentially satisfies one of his needs, such as:

• Need to be seen
• Sexual and intimacy needs
• Stress regulation
• Novelty-seeking

It’s not your responsibility to meet every need of your man. Every adult person is responsible for either managing or communicating their needs in a way that doesn’t harm others. 

5. He doesn’t know he’s doing something wrong

Has your boyfriend ever looked at other women in front of you? If yes, you could be infuriated, “How can he? He doesn’t even care that I’m nearby. He feels as if he can do anything!” But it actually can mean something different.

People in healthy, secure relationships don’t suddenly stop noticing attractive people. The difference is that they typically don’t feel compelled to pursue those attractions. Your boyfriend may recognize the attraction, let it pass, and remain invested in your relationship.

6. He’s detached from you emotionally

Signs that your boyfriend has emotionally detached from you:

• He only talks to you if he needs something.
• He avoids conflicts (or seems indifferent to them). 
• He doesn’t comfort you when you’re upset.
• You start to feel like he’s your roommate or brother.
• He fantasizes/talks about other women and how relationships with them could feel.

Emotional detachment is usually where cheating starts. And some men might not take it seriously. Some believe they didn’t do anything wrong, even if they stared and flirted with women online. 

7. He tries to manipulate you

A common trait of narcissistic or abusive boyfriends is that they can feed off your energy. They can intentionally provoke you to get a reaction out of you because your reactions:

• Satisfies their need for constant attention.
• Make them feel cared for.
• Proves their sense of self-importance.

We asked Nicole Arzt, a licensed marriage and family therapist, how to know when a partner looks at other people online to intentionally trigger you. She answered,You might be able to sense that your partner is deliberately triggering you if they turn to looking at women online to provoke you. He might, for instance, do it right in front of you. Or disregard you when you tell him how it makes you feel. In both cases, he may be blatantly disregarding your preferences or boundaries, which can be deeply disrespectful.

My boyfriend looks at other females online. Should I be upset?

You can be upset when your boyfriend looks at other females online. But should you? It’s an incorrect question. 

The correct question is: “Are you upset?” No “shoulds.” Be honest with yourself. You can’t control your immediate emotional reactions, so don’t mind what society expects you to feel. If a boundary in a relationship is crossed, you can feel a range of emotions:

• Sadness
• Grief
• Indifference
• Insecurity
• Anger
• Disappointment
• Disgust
• Confusion

At the same time, try to avoid emotional reasoning. It can sound like this: Bf looked at other women online → I’m hurt and upset → He wanted me to be hurt and upset. 

Your feelings are your reactions. They can’t tell you the story of another person, especially their intentions.

Is looking at other girls cheating?

There is no more correct answer to this question than “it depends.” 

Because it really depends on what you agreed upon. How do you define cheating and fidelity? Did you ever discuss exclusivity, crushes, or rules for how you communicate with other people?

What is cheating if we haven’t discussed our boundaries in relationships

In the case when you and your boyfriend haven’t explicitly discussed certain boundaries, traditional monogamous rules are in play. Since 89% of people in Western societies are monogamous, there is a system of “monogamy by default” in play [4] Open Relationships, Nonconsensual Nonmonogamy, and Monogamy Among U.S. Adults: Findings from the 2012 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior. Ethan Czuy Levine, Debby Herbenick, Omar Martinez, Tsung-Chieh Fu & Brian Dodge. Archives of Sexual Behavior. 2018. .

It’s relatively reasonable to expect full emotional and physical commitment unless otherwise discussed. From this perspective, looking at naked women and watching porn can be considered crossing boundaries.

We discussed boundaries, but I still feel bad that my bf looks at other women

Another possible scenario is that you already discussed boundaries and decided that looking at other people is okay for both of you. But now you feel uneasy seeing your boyfriend looking at other women.

A romantic relationship is a process that evolves, not a cemented agreement. You can change your mind 2, 5, or even 10 years later! As people grow, their values and expectations change too. (But don’t hold grudges against your partner if your expectations have shifted and he wasn’t informed.)

When looking at other girls crosses the line. Checklist

• You explicitly agreed not to watch sexual content
• Your boyfriend doesn’t just look, he stares. He’s so focused, it’s difficult to distract him.
• He DMs and flirts with other girls.

• Your boyfriend looks at one woman only and has an emotional connection with her.
• Looking doesn’t stop when you’re around.
• He compares you to the other girls online.
• He’s secretive and tries to hide this habit.

How to handle your man looking at other women

In order to manage your hurt feelings about your bf looking at other women, there are two main things you have to focus on. One thing is communicating healthily with your husband/boyfriend, and the other is returning focus to your life to reclaim yourself. These tips can help you with both:

1. Talk to him first

The unskippable first step after “catching” your bf looking at pictures of other girls is to have an honest conversation. This conversation can be really vulnerable and, most likely, uncomfortable. To alleviate this discomfort, we prepared a few tips on how to bring this topic up healthily:

• Don’t assume your bf’s intentions, and don’t try to read between the lines unless he confirms your guess vocally. Give your man the responsibility of expressing himself.
• Talk through the “I” perspective. It means bring up your feelings, your concerns, and your perspective, not his potential intentions and behaviors.
• Don’t accuse your bf of being unfaithful. We understand that you want him to see how hurt you are, but shame won’t make him take accountability. It’ll just distance you two and make him trust you less.
• Request your boyfriend to completely stop or to look at other women in private. Think what would be enough for you: him not looking around you or not watching any explicit content at all? Keep in mind: while you can ask your partner anything, it’s good to have reasonable expectations.
• Don’t expect to control his behavior. Short of using coercion, it is fundamentally impossible to force someone else to act differently. It can also build resentment that can disrupt the trust in your relationship.

Then, a reaction of your man decides what you’re going to do next. These three scenarios are the most likely:

Scenario 1: He understands your feelings

The best-case scenario is that your boyfriend listens openly without becoming defensive. He acknowledges that his behavior hurt you, even if that wasn’t his intention, and genuinely apologizes.

He asks questions, wants to understand your perspective, and is willing to change his behavior or find a compromise that makes both of you comfortable.

Keep in mind that trust still will take time to rebuild. It’s also likely that both of you may need to revisit the conversation in the future.

Scenario 2: He also shares his concerns

Your boyfriend agrees that your feelings are valid but has something to say as well. For example, he may share that you criticizing him made him escape into fantasy. Or that your recent sex life wasn’t enough for him.

This can be difficult to hear. Your first instinct may be to defend yourself or interpret his words as criticism. But it’s important to listen. When you listen, it doesn’t mean you’re accepting blame or excusing behavior that hurt you.

When both partners are heard, it’s easier to find a solution that’ll satisfy both of you. It also builds a strong foundation of trust for resolving conflicts in the future.

Scenario 3: He dismisses your feelings

An unpleasant, but possible, scenario is when your boyfriend immediately minimizes your emotions. He might say you’re making “a big deal,” accuse you of being controlling and insecure, and even insist that “all men do it.”

This is a form of gaslighting, an emotional manipulation when someone proves that your understanding of the world and life is incorrect to make you doubt your own judgment and sanity.

If this happens, resist the urge to argue or prove your emotions. Instead, calmly reinforce your boundary—you won’t continue the conversation unless you’re talked to with respect. You can revisit this topic later after you’ve both had time to cool off.

However, if your feelings are repeatedly dismissed, you may need to communicate the consequences clearly. Explain that you want to work through this together, but that you also cannot stay in a relationship where your emotions aren’t taken into consideration.

2. Reflect on why it hurts

Now that you communicated your feelings with your man, it’s time to investigate what exactly made this situation so painful:

• Is it because looking at other women goes against your values?
• Did it trigger a fear of being replaced or not being enough?
• Did it remind you of betrayal in a previous relationship?
• Did it make you feel insecure?

Why are some people so deeply affected by their partner watching other attractive people online, when others might not care?We’re all different when it comes to safety and attachment in relationships. Some people may be inherently more trusting of others based on various circumstances. Others might be more cautious or vigilant. Neither is “right,” but it’s important for both partners to be on the same page when it comes to engaging with other people.

You can just sit in silence and observe these thoughts or engage in reflective activities, like journaling, meditation, therapy, or reading non-fiction books.

3. Take good care of yourself

During this stressful time, make your well-being a priority instead of letting the situation consume your thoughts.

Eat nourishing meals, get enough sleep, move your body, and spend time with people who make you feel supported. A healthy lifestyle actually can increase your self-worth. One study showed that this happens because when people take care of themselves, they start to believe they are worth the effort [5] Healthy Lifestyle in Adolescence: Associations with Stress, Self-Esteem and the Roles of School Violence. Alba González Moreno and María del Mar Molero Jurado. Healthcare (Basel). 2023. .

4. Invest in your own life

When a relationship is at the center of your world, every single conflict will feel threatening to your life. Having a bond with someone is beautiful, but your life shouldn’t be limited to your man.

Continue investing in the parts of your life that exist independently of your partner. Having your own interests and purpose not only boosts self-esteem but also reduces the pressure you place on your relationship to meet every single one of your needs.

Here’s what you can do to decenter relationships:

• Spend more time with friends.
• Start your own blog.
• Learn to be alone with your own thoughts.
• Take care of plants.
• Explore the unedited corners of the Internet.

• Visit your next community/neighborhood event.
• Do whatever you postpone for “when you have more time.”
• Learn about your personality in the Breeze app and discover something new about yourself.

5. Consider (couples) therapy

The help of a professional mental health specialist is still the most effective way to understand your personal reasons why your man looking at other women upsets you and why he does it.

Couples therapy provides a neutral space where both partners can express their feelings honestly and learn how to live together without trying to control one another.

Individual therapy can show you whether your distress is connected to previous betrayal, attachment wounds, or low self-esteem and also sustainably process those experiences.

Sources (Accessed July 2026)

1. Natural Tendency towards Beauty in Humans: Evidence from Binocular Rivalry. Ce Mo, Tiansheng Xia, Kaixin Qin, Lei Mo. PLoS One. 2016.
2. They are more beautiful than me! How social media use increases women’s body-related envy and cosmetic surgery consideration. Minhui Li, Xingming Li, Feng Yang, Tianning Zhang. Frontiers in Psychology. 2025.
3. Chapman University Publishes Research on Jealousy – Impact of Sexual vs. Emotional Infidelity. Sheri Ledbetter. Crean College of Health and Behavioral Sciences. 2015.
4. Open Relationships, Nonconsensual Nonmonogamy, and Monogamy Among U.S. Adults: Findings from the 2012 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior. Ethan Czuy Levine, Debby Herbenick, Omar Martinez, Tsung-Chieh Fu & Brian Dodge. Archives of Sexual Behavior. 2018.
5. Healthy Lifestyle in Adolescence: Associations with Stress, Self-Esteem and the Roles of School Violence. Alba González Moreno and María del Mar Molero Jurado. Healthcare (Basel). 2023.
6. The Porn Gap: How is Pornography Impacting Relationships Between Men and Women Today. Brian J. Willoughby, Galena K. Rhoades, & Jason S. Carroll. The Wheatley Institution & The Austin Institute. 2021.