“I feel left out when people talk about relationships. The girls plan out meticulous dates. The boys give their Jessicas another bouquet this month. I sound so out of touch with my ‘I just want my partner to lie on me until it’s hard to breathe’.”
Can you relate to Lizzy? If yes, you might also relate to the theory of five neurodivergent love languages. Lizzy (they/them) is an autistic, neurodivergent user of Breeze who will contribute to the article today.
The article explores neurodivergent love languages in adults and how to love a neurodivergent person. Discover your love style with a free neurodivergent love languages quiz in the sections below.
How do neurodivergent people experience love?
Neurodivergent people can experience the whole wheel of emotions that are considered love, including romantic, passionate, and platonic love. Only 7% of adults on the autism spectrum do not show interest in romantic love, according to the study from the Journal of Clinical Psychology [1] Strunz, S., Schermuck, C., Ballerstein, S., Ahlers, C. J., Dziobek, I., & Roepke, S. (2016). Romantic relationships and relationship satisfaction among adults with Asperger Syndrome and High‐Functioning Autism. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 73(1), 113–125. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22319 . This form of sexual identity is known as ACE (asexual and/or aromantic)
While everybody perceives affection differently, romantic love is generally considered a mix of caring behavior, commitment, stability, and, of course, sexual attraction. As studies show, neurodivergent people may experience love a bit differently. Neurodivergent love primarily due to [2] Khaw, J., & Vernon, T. (2025). Relationship satisfaction among autistic populations: How partner neurotype influences relationship satisfaction factors for autistic adults. Autism in Adulthood. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2024.0124 :
- unmasking and unconditional acceptance
- communication style suitable for a neurodivergent partner
- shared activities
- intellectual compatibility
- stability and trust
- accommodating specific neurodivergent needs
- intimacy on the couple’s terms
Lizzy highlights why it’s important to recognize neurodivergent-informed love languages: “Most of us in the neurodivergent community find it ridiculous when neurotypicals wonder whether there is ‘an autistic love.’
Whether neurodivergent or neurotypical, I am a person. I can bond with others. If my way of showing affection differs from your typical view of love, my feelings aren’t less valid for that.”
Why do some neurodivergent people need alternative love languages?
Because neurotypical and neurodivergent people express and receive love in different ways. Traditional love languages do not satisfy the specific needs of the neurodivergent community, which includes autistic people and individuals with ADHD, OCD, or learning disabilities.
Love, from a neurobiological perspective, is all about the constant release of hormones and neurotransmitters: oxytocine, dopamine, serotonin, vasopressin, etc.
A neurotypical person might react to these neurochemicals by wanting to be more around the person, touch them, and visualize the future together. So, in the sense of the traditional five love languages.
A neurodivergent person, in turn, will act on this neurochemistry differently due to innate differences in brain functioning and socialization [3] Gray, S., Kirby, A. V., & Holmes, L. G. (2021). Autistic narratives of sensory features, sexuality, and relationships. Autism in Adulthood, 3(3), 238–246. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2020.0049 .
Let’s say “traditional love” is a book in Chinese. If you don’t speak a word of Chinese, you won’t understand what the book is about. How can you appreciate the book?
Traditional love can be a book in Chinese for those with neurodiversity. They simply don’t speak this language. But this doesn’t mean that they can’t appreciate books in English, Spanish, or even French.
What are the five neurodivergent love languages in adults?
A complete list of neurodivergent love languages:
1. Penguin pebbling
Did you know that several species of penguins give their partners pebbles as a way to “propose”? Stones, for them, mean commitment because penguins use them to protect eggs from melting snow. The neurodivergent community adopted this name from penguins as a symbol for unconditional love.
How to practice
Know your neurodivergent partner’s special interests. Penguin pebbling is about ultra-specific, unconventional gift-giving. Common examples of small gifts are stones, acorns, shells, keychains, coins, buttons, etc. Anything that will message your partner “I think about you during the day.”
Small gifts can also be intangible. For example, sending memes, lyrics, quotes, and interesting facts that remind you of your partner or something they mentioned earlier.
2. Parallel play
Parallel play is a way to spend time together without engaging in constant conversation or direct interaction. Both partners are busy with their own tasks, but they share space together and occasionally (!) interact with each other. This creates a safe and intimate space for those together to exist with low demands or pressure.
Hanging out with friends/partners can be tough for autistic people. Because of a strong preference for routines and social pressure to mask, neurodivergent people might not enjoy traditional romantic dates. But that doesn’t mean they don’t want to spend time with their significant other altogether.
Parallel play reduces the tension “to do something to appear normal.” That’s how neurodivergent folks unmask and can finally enjoy relationships.
Body doubling vs parallel play
Parallel play and body doubling are frequently used interchangeably, but they are different.
Body doubling is an ADHD strategy to get things done. ADHDers who have someone else present while they complete a task can focus better and distract less, even if the person doesn’t really help them.
Body doubling is a productivity technique, but it can be used as an ADHD love language. If you agree to be there for your partner with ADHD, it’s a sign of care and that you validate their neurodivergent experiences.
Parallel play, in turn, is a way to spend quality time together.
3. Info-dumping
Neurodivergent people can be really passionate about their interests. When they start talking about something they love, they overlook everything: how long they talk, whose turn it is to talk, and whether their conversation partners know anything about the topic. It’s info-dumping in action.
Unfortunately, some neurodivergent individuals are judged for interrupting, talking over, and talking passionately on “unnecessary and uninteresting topics” for too long. Hence, they learned to stay silent, masking in line with neurotypical norms.
So, listen carefully to your neurodivergent significant other, ask questions, and reference what they ranted about. It’ll make them feel accepted.
4. Spoon sharing/Support swapping
Spoon sharing, aka support swapping, in autistic culture, is the theory that every autistic person has a certain amount of energy per day. Spoons are units of measurement of energy in this theory.
Say, you get 12 spoons to get through the day. You spend 8 spoons on a very stressful day at work and 3 spoons at the gym. So, you have only 1 spoon left, but you still have a dinner to cook, laundry to do, and a shower to take (routine tasks also cost neurodivergent people more energy than neurotypicals).
Your partner, who loves to cook, won’t spend any spoons preparing a dinner, but it’ll be a huge relief for you. In turn, you might pay the bills because it won’t cost you any spoons. That’s the sense of support swapping: mutual support as a way to express love.
Expert Insight
For those who are craving to practice ‘support swapping,’ I would encourage you to be mindful that support is ever-evolving. There are many facets that go into what makes a task draining on any given day, so it’s important to routinely check in with one another. For example, workplace demands can shift for someone, making them spend a lot more time front-facing customers one week. A partner could say, ‘Hey, love, I used up all of my spoons at work today. Could we find a show to put on and check out on our phones tonight?’ Then, another week, they may be stuck doing computer work, leaving their social batteries fully charged. It’s important to keep communication surrounding needs open to match the ever-evolving nature of demands and environmental stressors.
Katherine Scott
Mental health professional
5. Deep pressure
Neurodivergent people are more likely than others to experience sensory problems. They might get easily overwhelmed by noise, lights, distractions, etc. Or, they may need a lot of input from their environment to feel grounded and regulated.
Deep pressure inputs are easier for many neurodivergent brains to process because they regulate body stress responses on a level of the nervous system, bypassing full reliance on the prefrontal cortex to regulate.
Deep pressure can look like:
- bear hugs
- lying together under a weighted blanket
- lying on each other
- massages
However, as this Reddit user notes, receiving deep pressure only works when the neurodivergent individual is “in the mood for it.” Of course, take safety into consideration: pay attention to breathing and physical pain.
Neurotypical vs. neurodivergent love languages
Neurodivergent love languages are specific ways of expressing traditional love languages. This neurodivergent love languages chart explains the primary distinction in expressing love.
| Neurodivergent love language | Traditional love language | How neurodivergent love language differs from traditional one |
| Penguin pebbling | Gift-giving | Gifts reflect a deep understanding of a person and their special interests, not general gestures of attention. |
| Parallel play/body doubling | Quality time | It involves spending time in the same space while honoring the partner’s sensory needs instead of pressuring them to actively engage with the partner |
| Info-dumping | Words of affirmation | Listening to info-dumps is a way to validate a partner’s interests without judgment, unlike generic compliments. |
| Spoon sharing/support swapping | Acts of service | Doing things a neurodivergent partner doesn’t have energy for means more than performing general helpful tasks that don’t feel personal. |
| Deep pressure | Physical touch | Physical touch provides sensory input without replacing verbal communication. |
What is my neurodivergent love language? 5 neurodivergent love languages quiz
It’s highly likely that you relate to more than one love language, which is totally normal. An average person has 2-3 dominating love languages.
Common problems in neurodivergent relationships
No matter whether you’re in neurodivergent/neurotypical or neurodivergent/neurodivergent relationships, you might experience disagreements in relationships. Being in love with a neurodivergent person, you might face the following:
- unbalanced communication, such as always being the listener, never the speaker
- overwhelming emotions due to rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD)
- hyperrationalization and lack of romance
- hoarding
- lovebombing
- problems with sex or intimacy
- greediness towards their “pebbles”
- separation anxiety
The experiences above are all real and were collected on social media and forums.
Expert Insight
As for most healthy romantic relationships, a foundation of friendship and a firm knowledge base of each other’s worlds is key to building a safe and secure relationship. Slowing down and discovering if you can authentically lean into your partner’s special interests can be helpful to cultivating spaces where neurodivergent partners can feel safe, seen, and without demands to assimilate. Also, establishing healthy boundaries can aid in granting one another permission to meet sensory or special interest needs without fear of letting down the other.
Katherine Scott
Mental health professional
How to love a neurodivergent person? Neurodivergent individual answers
Lizzy answers, “I would recommend both neurodivergent and neurotypical partners to communicate. It’s the cheesiest advice, but it worked for me. Ever since I started telling my partners directly what I want and explained why, the quality of our relationships has skyrocketed.
If you, like me, don’t know how to talk directly, try the Breeze app. What I did was log my emotions with a mood tracker when I didn’t know how I felt. I also completed the app’s quizzes with my partners as a way to spend quality time (and learn more about them).
And don’t forget about validation. We, neurodivergent people, live in a state of never-ending self-doubt. It’s so important that our loved ones realize that we’re not weird or lazy. Do small acts: adjust lights for us or remind us to send that one e-mail we complain about.
For the longest time, I believed no one could put up with my neurodivergent neediness. In a world where everybody loves sweets, is there a place for neurospicy? It took me a long time to realize that there are so many taste buds out there that somebody will love my neurospicy.”
Sources
- Strunz, S., Schermuck, C., Ballerstein, S., Ahlers, C. J., Dziobek, I., & Roepke, S. (2016). Romantic relationships and relationship satisfaction among adults with Asperger Syndrome and High‐Functioning Autism. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 73(1), 113–125. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22319
- Khaw, J., & Vernon, T. (2025). Relationship satisfaction among autistic populations: How partner neurotype influences relationship satisfaction factors for autistic adults. Autism in Adulthood. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2024.0124
- Gray, S., Kirby, A. V., & Holmes, L. G. (2021). Autistic narratives of sensory features, sexuality, and relationships. Autism in Adulthood, 3(3), 238–246. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2020.0049
Disclaimer
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