Why Am I So Insecure?

Insecurity usually comes from trauma, mental health conditions, and unhealthy coping skills. It’s most likely to develop in childhood, but social pressure, a self-deprecating mindset, and emotional abuse can amplify insecurities even in adulthood.

Let’s explore the 10 main reasons people become insecure about themselves.

1. Childhood trauma

Up to 77% of people who had negative experiences in childhood develop symptoms of depression and anxiety as a result of damaged self-esteem [1] Anouk W Gathier, Lonneke A van Tuijl, Brenda Penninx, Peter J de Jong, Patricia C van Oppen, Christiaan H Vinkers, Josine E Verhoeven. The role of explicit and implicit self-esteem in the relationship between childhood trauma and adult depression and anxiety. Journal of Affective Disorders. June 2024. .

You may ask how a childhood trauma you might not even remember can affect your self-confidence in adulthood. It’s actually quite logical:

• Caregivers who are supposed to give love and comfort to a child don’t do it. →
• A child’s brain can’t comprehend uncertainty, so it assumes “something is wrong with me” rather than face the more dangerous idea that the caregiver is unsafe. →
• Repeated abuse confirms the child’s assumption that it’s their fault. →
• A child learns to suppress their needs and desires to regulate fear and discomfort, and carries this into adulthood.

An adult who was involved in a process like this might believe they are genuinely the problem, as if it were a proven fact. In their mind, the lessons they learned in childhood, e.g., “I always let everyone down” or “I’m not as smart as others,” are objective truths, but that’s only because they haven’t had a different experience.

2. Narcissistic trauma

Narcissistic trauma is the consequence of abuse from people with narcissistic traits. It’s possible to get narcissistic trauma in childhood and adulthood:

• Childhood: Children with narcissistic trauma usually get it from their parents and, more rarely, siblings, teachers, friends, or other family members. Narcissistic parents may only show love to their children when they behave “correctly.” A child who grew up in these conditions will constantly compare themselves and doubt their identity because, in their minds, they must be “good enough” to be loved.
• Adulthood: Relationships with any narcissistic person, but especially if it’s a romantic partner, undermine confidence because it’s a subconscious aim of narcissists, to begin with. Narcissists are usually deeply insecure themselves. These feelings of insecurity are so hard to bear that they decide to go for a destructive coping strategy: putting down others just to get temporary relief for their egos.

3. Social comparison

Social comparison theory claims that initially, the ability to compare ourselves with other fellow humans helped us to evaluate our abilities more precisely and even to self-improve. Knowing our strengths and weaknesses in collectivistic societies increased our chances of survival.

Nowadays, comparison brings more negativity than inspiration or self-improvement. It happens primarily due to social media, where everybody is “successful and beautiful.” You naturally (but inaccurately) compare your everyday routine to other people, who only demonstrate their “best-of” life moments and carefully hide not-so-romantic life circumstances.

4. Perfectionism

By demanding flawlessness, you attempt to return a sense of control. The brain is scared of the unknown. When you expect “perfect outcomes,” you deny any other possibility, creating the illusion that you predicted results.

Although perfectionism really does bring temporary relief because you have clear expectations, it also creates conditional self-esteem. When you don’t meet unrealistic expectations (which is highly likely), it reinforces feelings of inadequacy, driving the need to push even harder. This drive can be motivational, but it’s usually fueled by self-criticism and a nagging voice, which can even result in procrastination.

5. Persistent failures

Persistent failures and insecure thoughts create a self-feeding self-doubt cycle:

Insecurity intensifies fear of failure → People who are scared of failure decide not to take the risk altogether → Missed opportunities translate into lack of experience → Lack of experience feeds insecurity and constant self-doubt.

The brain tends to overgeneralize things for the sake of energy preservation, especially when it comes to dangers. For example, generalization can sound like this, “I failed this one task → I am a failure.” However, such catastrophic thinking traps individuals in negative cycles by ignoring nuanced, objective facts and creating self-limiting beliefs.

6. Self-deprecating mindset

The only difference between insecure and confident people is that the latter don’t care when they make a mistake.

Well, they do care, but in a sense, people who are confident can set mistakes, failures, and challenges aside from their self-worth. The way they think about and talk about themselves differs 180 from the inner monologue of someone insecure:

7. Neurodivergence

Although neurodivergent people constitute approximately 15-20% of the world population, they’re twice as likely to report low self-esteem compared to neurotypicals [2] Elizabeth Kroll, Megan Lederman, Jonathan Kohlmeier, Jaime Ballard, Izabella Zant, Caroline Fenkel. Examining the mental health symptoms of neurodivergent individuals across demographic and identity factors: a quantitative analysis. Frontiers in Psychology. March 2025. . There are a few reasons why neurodivergent individuals, on average, are more likely to feel insecure:

• Rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD). A condition where a person feels an intense, almost physical emotional pain when they perceive even the slightest hint of criticism or rejection. It’s very common among neurodivergents due to different communication styles and social trauma.
• Social anxiety. This condition involves a persistent fear of being judged or criticized in social situations. It also disproportionately frequently affects autistic adults: 50% of those diagnosed with autism are also diagnosed with social anxiety [3] Montaser J, Umeano L, Pujari HP, Nasiri SMZ, Parisapogu A, Shah A, Khan S. “Correlations Between the Development of Social Anxiety and Individuals With Autism Spectrum Disorder: A Systematic Review.” Cureus. 2023 .
• Bullying. Neurodivergent people are disproportionately targeted or misunderstood for being “different,” weird, or too much. Social conditioning, when there are “we” and “they,” makes neurodivergents ashamed about their identities.

8. Mental health conditions

Lack of self-worth can be a sign of many mental health conditions. However, anxiety and insecurity have many common signs: overthinking, paralysis of analysis, perfectionism, comparison, social anxiety, etc.

What other conditions can cause insecurity:

• Cluster “B” mental health conditions and bipolar disorder cause severe self-perception distortions during depressive and manic episodes.
• PTSD and cPTSD can trigger general insecurity and hopelessness due to distorted self-perception and perception of the world.
• Eating disorders, such as anorexia or bulimia, distort a person’s view of their physical appearance, giving them body insecurity.

9. Living in a toxic environment

The people you are surrounded by matter. Let’s say you present an idea at work. Your manager finds it a bit risky and tries to deliver this idea to you. Compare these two possible feedback deliveries:

These responses differ not only in delivery but also in what they communicate. The first gives feedback on the work, but the second attacks the person instead of focusing on their actions.

This is why even confident people can become insecure in unhealthy environments. If you’re constantly belittled, mocked, compared to others, or made to feel “not enough,” your self-esteem adapts to what it perceives as dangers.

10. Toxic shame

Toxic shame (also known as a “shame wound“) is a type of trauma, as a result of which you internalize the idea that you are inherently bad and that everything wrong that happens is your fault.

Toxic shame is identity-based, not action-based. For example, if a person with a shame wound makes a mistake, they think, “I am bad. I am dumb.” A person with healthy self-compassion might think, “This thing that I did was bad.” It allows space and hope for improvement so that the next time they will do better.

An insecure person who believes in their inherent flaws will take everything personally. Every phrase, side eye, and misunderstanding is existential to them because in their minds, it proves how “faulty” they are as a person.

A shame wound develops from systematic emotional abuse, especially invalidation and shaming. This makes a person feel powerless but paradoxically also self-directed enough to believe that they’re the reason for everything bad in their lives.

What does “insecure” mean?

Feeling insecure means being uncertain about your abilities, looks, goals, and your place in the world. Insecurity can’t be defined as a diagnosis itself because it’s a temporary state. But it can be a symptom of other states or mental health conditions.

Rychel Johnson, a licensed clinical professional counselor, explains how insecurity differs from self-awareness:

“Healthy self-awareness is curious, compassionate, and aimed at growth—it helps someone understand their patterns and make choices aligned with their values. Destructive self-doubt, on the other hand, carries a harsh or critical tone. Rather than insight, destructive self-doubt leads to paralysis, shame, or avoidance. When reflection becomes a form of self-attack instead of self-understanding, that’s the point where self-awareness has crossed into self-doubt.”

Am I insecure? 10 signs of insecurity

Is it normal to feel insecure?

Yes, feelings of insecurity are completely natural.

Insecurity appears when you have expectations, and you don’t meet them. A moderate amount of self-doubt can improve self-monitoring. And with better self-monitoring, you can adjust your behavior to improve for the next time.

Although it carries negative connotations, insecurity is actually part of the human experience. People who are self-aware and can objectively assess their abilities will eventually come to a conclusion: they are finite. Absolute confidence in every part of your life is impossible because we, as people, have needs, which means we are vulnerable.

Accepting insecurity as just a feeling is freeing. It means that you’re totally normal, no matter how bad you’d think of yourself. With time, you’ll learn that you can do both: be insecure and do things anyway. Action must come first; confidence is the byproduct.

Doing things while you still feel insecure shatters your negative self-criticism and proves you can handle discomfort. The more you do it, the more actual competence you build that helps you gain self-assurance.

5 types of insecurities

How to stop being insecure in 5 steps

Getting over insecurities usually comes down to setting boundaries and prioritizing your well-being. Below are some evidence-based strategies, plus concrete steps you can take to make them work.

1. Practice self-compassion

It’s easy to say just be kind to yourself. But if you let your inner critic put you down for years, it won’t be easy to get rid of it. You have to start small:

• Treat yourself. Buy yourself a coffee you consider overpriced. Take a bath you’ve been dreaming of for the last two weeks. Feelings of insecurity force us to believe that we are not worthy of anything good. It’s not true because we decide what we’re worth with the way we treat ourselves.
• Imagine yourself as a child. People are usually kinder to children than they are to themselves. That’s why one effective way to silence your inner critic is to imagine yourself as a child. Talk to them, ask them about their dreams, tell them about your achievements. That’s how you see how far you’ve come.
• Journal. It’s so easy to forget how strong we are in the daily hustle. The journaling feature in the Breeze app is an excellent option for beginners thanks to its customized prompts.

2. Challenge negative thoughts

3. Give yourself positive feedback

How come we can go into spirals about our insecurities but not about our exceptional abilities? You might really benefit from unconditional self-acceptance, a practice of intentionally recognizing your worth as something every human being receives as a birthright. If nothing comes to mind, try this:

• Be specific about what you did well. Break things down to the smallest wins: “Today at the gym, I lifted more than last time. I also did cardio for 20 minutes after the workout. And I also helped another person adjust the machine,” instead of “I did a good job at the gym today.”

• Accept the praise of others. Even if you believe this is just small talk or they’re just trying to be nice, accept compliments. Think about it: something about you impressed another person so much, they stopped for a minute to think and actually compliment you.
• Separate your mistakes from your self-worth. A mistake ≠ personal failure. Errors do not reflect your worth as a person. Errors are part of human experience. The sooner you normalize them, the more confident you’ll feel because there won’t be a numbing fear anymore.

4. Change your mindset

Try to understand that everybody is on their unique path to personal growth. If other people achieve something, and you still deal with the past, it’s okay. Their success doesn’t mean your loss. There is plenty of space for everyone to succeed.

Here’s another perspective: Your mistakes aren’t proof that you are a failure. They only prove that you tried something and it didn’t work out (this time). Trial and error is a main requirement of personal growth.

You cannot change what you’ve done, but you can influence what you do next. Remember that accountability and self-compassion can coexist. You can admit that you handled something poorly while still believing you are capable of growth.

5. Consider Therapy

Therapy is the most essential step on the personal growth journey. It provides a personalized space to explore the root causes of your insecurities. A professional will make sure to explore your past, relationships, and culture to untangle the reason behind your self-consciousness. 

Sources

1. Anouk W Gathier, Lonneke A van Tuijl, Brenda Penninx, Peter J de Jong, Patricia C van Oppen, Christiaan H Vinkers, Josine E Verhoeven. The role of explicit and implicit self-esteem in the relationship between childhood trauma and adult depression and anxiety. Journal of Affective Disorders. June 2024.
2. Elizabeth Kroll, Megan Lederman, Jonathan Kohlmeier, Jaime Ballard, Izabella Zant, Caroline Fenkel. Examining the mental health symptoms of neurodivergent individuals across demographic and identity factors: a quantitative analysis. Frontiers in Psychology. March 2025.
3. Montaser J, Umeano L, Pujari HP, Nasiri SMZ, Parisapogu A, Shah A, Khan S. “Correlations Between the Development of Social Anxiety and Individuals With Autism Spectrum Disorder: A Systematic Review.” Cureus. 2023