“The quickest path to self-destruction is to push away the people you love.” ― Cassia Leo, Pieces of You.
Among all the quotes about pushing people away, this one is probably one of the most profound and straightforward at the same time.
Imagine 12 missed calls, over 200 messages in different chats, and 3 friendly gatherings you refused to visit last week. Does it seem impossible, or is it your reality? You even turned down the chance to catch up with your best friend who came from abroad. What happened?
You keep asking yourself, “Why do I push people away?” again and again, but nothing comes to your mind. You just… can’t open up. And this growing emptiness fills the space around you.
There’s a way out! Keep reading to learn the most common causes of why you may build emotional walls. Explore how to break the cycle of isolation and rediscover the joy of meaningful connections.
10 reasons why you may be pushing people away
Are you bored of spending weekends alone but find yourself keeping others at arm’s length? Here’s why you may create distance without even noticing it. Keep in mind many of these experiences also intersect; you may resonate with having several of them.
- Traumatic experience
- Insecure attachment styles
- Fear of intimacy
- Low self-esteem
- Trust issues
- Lack of energy
- Constant stress
- Wrong people around
- Social anxiety
- Other mental health conditions
Let’s take a closer look at each point and find the answer to the question, “Why do I always push people away?”
1. Traumatic experience
Pushing people away in psychology often comes from past trauma that someone hasn’t resolved. It might be difficult for a person to make room for connection when living with emotional baggage that’s holding them back.
What childhood experience can make you afraid of forming deeper connections? Check out the most possible answers.
Being pushed away by someone you love, especially in childhood, could have left a long-lasting scar in your soul. Now, this painful experience might make you guard yourself so that no one can get close enough to hurt you again.
Do you feel that the voice of your lost inner child pushes you to wear emotional armor? Take a quick test from Breeze and gain personalized insights into why this can happen.
2. Insecure attachment styles
Videos about attachment styles gain millions of views on TikTok. More and more people try to find the answer to “Why do I push away the person I love?” by watching them.
There are 4 attachment styles that shape how we connect with others.
- Secure attachment style
It’s all about a healthy balance between closeness and independence in any relationship. People with a secure attachment feel comfortable with intimacy while maintaining personal boundaries. They also have a solid sense of self-worth.
People living with it deeply need closeness and constant reassurance in relationships. They might constantly worry that something will go wrong and a partner will break up with them or friends leave them.
This style combines a strong desire for closeness with a fear of intimacy. Such people’s behavior is hard to predict, as it is often quite inconsistent — they might seek comfort one moment and withdraw the next.
To protect themselves from rejection, people with this style avoid intimacy and might seem emotionally unavailable. They may downplay the importance of close relationships, prioritizing self-reliance and autonomy.
While a secure attachment style doesn’t typically make people question, “Why do I push everyone away?” others can make it difficult for you to build healthy relationships.
People with disorganized attachment and dismissive avoidant attachment tend to close the door on connections the most often.
We asked Nicole Arzt, LMFT, whether it’s possible to change someone’s attachment style and how it happens in therapy, “Yes, attachment styles can be healed and changed. In therapy, a therapist can offer the ‘secure base’ for a client. This healing relationship allows the client to experience a needed sense of safety and support. Once that is integrated, they can ideally take that outside of therapy and into their everyday life.”
3. Trust issues
Remember Jessica Jones from the Marvel Comics and Netflix TV series? While she hadn’t experienced betrayal in childhood, her adulthood didn’t seem very happy. After an abusive relationship with Kilgrave, Jessica developed significant trust issues.
The same might happen in real life as well. You may question yourself, “Why do I push people I love away?” after a painful breakup or after being let down by someone you once trusted deeply. You don’t want to get hurt again, and that desire makes sense.
“How to stop overthinking after being cheated on?” if you’ve ever thought like this, trust issues might be your unwelcome companion.
Of course, people don’t typically build deep connections in a few days. However, if you can’t open up and put up a fortress even years after, this might be because of trust issues.
4. Fear of rejection
“What if they don’t want me to join them on a trip?”
“What if this cute girl will laugh at me if I invite her on a date?”
“What if I will look like a black sheep in a new office?”
Fear of rejection might stem from past experiences. For instance, your parents have been overly critical, so you might feel the pain every time you open up to them.
It could also be a partner who betrayed your trust or dismissed your feelings. You might even think, “My boyfriend is stressed out and pushing me away” in those relationships, which left you scared to be vulnerable again.
Finally, it can come from deep-rooted insecurities that make you second-guess yourself in social situations.
While the reasons can be different, the result is the same. You may push people away when they get close in order not to face their rejection.
5. Low self-esteem
Maybe you trust others but believe you aren’t worth their time. Low self-esteem and deep-seated insecurities can make people unconsciously avoid intimacy and meaningful relationships.
Have you ever thought something like:
- “I’m not good enough for them.”
- “They’ll leave once they really get to know me.”
- “I’ll just mess things up like I always do.”
- “They’re probably just being nice out of pity.”
- “I’m not interesting enough to keep people around.”
- “Why would anyone want to stick around someone like me?”
If yes, pushing people away might be your defense mechanism to protect yourself from the pain of potential rejection.
Shutting down, unfortunately, perpetuates more struggle. People who care about you will find you worthy and interesting. Still, it may be difficult to stop self-sabotaging any form of communication because of low self-esteem.
6. Lack of energy
What does your typical day look like?
Maybe you wake up at 6 am, grab a coffee, and rush to the gym. Then, you have a day full of tasks and deadlines. After coming home, you cook dinner and clean the whole apartment. And finally, when you’re feeling like a dead battery, it’s time to learn a new language or watch another educational course.
Quite often, questions “Why am I so tired?” and “Why do I avoid people?” come together.
Maybe you don’t want to spend weekends and evenings alone, but you just don’t have enough energy to socialize. It might be OK at some point in anyone’s life to limit close connections to reach a certain goal.
However, if you think something like, “I push people away for too long, and it makes me unhappy,” you may need to revise your daily routine. Look for ways to rest more, as it will help you have more energy for communication.
7. Constant stress
— Honey, do you want to meet with Ben and Kate tonight?
— Hmm, probably not. My boss just gave me a bunch of work today
— You’ve been turning down a lot of plans. Are you OK?
— I don’t know… It’s just that the constant stress from work is draining me. I don’t know how I will get it all done.
Some people put their social lives on pause because they feel too stressed to cope with everything. This may be due to overwhelming work responsibilities, family life, or simply feeling like they’re falling behind.
Even family life can change in such situations. Consider the woman who states, “My husband is grieving after a loss and pushing me away.” Most probably, her partner doesn’t want to distance himself but feels so overwhelmed by his emotions.
8. Wrong people around
Sometimes, they don’t share your interests or can’t support you in the way you need. Maybe you just feel bored and out of place. In this case, you might unconsciously start pushing someone away.
There’s also one more thing that can happen. Here’s what a Reddit user says about it.
“Many of the people I’ve been “friends” with only wanted to use me… If I get the vibe you’re using my friendship for benefits but can’t pick up the phone to text me when you don’t need something, I’m gone.”
I might not notice some toxic behavior at first, but over time, it becomes clear who values friendship and who’s just taking advantage.
9. Social anxiety
Not everyone needs to be a social butterfly. But while some people are simply introverted, others may live with social anxiety disorder (SAD) or its symptoms.
It involves a constant, intense fear of social situations. Those who experience it fear that others will judge or criticize them. As a result, it can feel that such people push everyone away because they feel discomfort when communicating.
Do you suppose you are experiencing something similar? Take a quick social anxiety quiz to shed light on your symptoms and how to handle them.
10. Other mental health conditions
While social anxiety links to someone’s ability to communicate directly, other mental health disorders can make people retreat into their shells. What are those? Let’s find out.
Depression
“My boyfriend is depressed and pushing me away.”
If you’ve ever Googled something like this, it might be a warning sign.
Depression often leads to withdrawal and a sense of isolation, making it hard for people to engage with loved ones even when they want to. Feelings of worthlessness, fatigue, or hopelessness can make someone believe they are unworthy of connection.
“Why do I push everyone away when I’m depressed?” Maybe you feel like protecting others and walking away before the storm hits. Maybe the shame feels so big that you don’t know what to do with it.
But whatever the symptoms are, if you suppose that you or your loved one are living with depression, it’s important to contact a licensed therapist.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Remember us talking about trust issues? As a result of trauma or negative experiences, people might develop other symptoms of PTSD as well.
Emotional numbness, hypervigilance, or sudden mood fluctuations can make it hard to connect with others. So, those with post-traumatic stress disorder may try to avoid opening up to protect themselves from further emotional pain.
What to do when someone with PTSD pushes you away?
If a person’s mental state is taking a toll on your relationship, it’s vital to provide the necessary support and give them space without abandoning them.
Borderline personality disorder (BPD)
For those living with BPD, pushing people away is also common. While they might want close relationships and deep connections, intense fear of abandonment can make them less open to communication.
If you experience emotional instability, uncontrollable anger, and a chronic feeling of emptiness, try our free BPD test. It can help you quickly understand whether you face the symptoms of borderline personality disorder.
What else? Sometimes, manifestations of bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and substance use disorders can make people push others away when they get close as well.
7 signs that you’re in push and pull relationship
By the way, what does it mean to push someone away? How can I understand that I’m becoming more detached and a lone wolf who doesn’t want to engage with anyone?
Here are a few behaviors you might not notice right away, but they often signal that something’s starting to go wrong.
- Avoiding social gatherings
- Ignoring calls or texts
- Frequently canceling plans
- Preferring to be alone more often
- Becoming easily irritated by others
- Withdrawing from hobbies
- Distrusting others’ intentions
So, next time you think, “My wife is depressed and pushing me away,” it may be helpful to remember when it started. Maybe it’s just a temporary phase because of stress. But if you notice these patterns for too long, it can mean deeper emotional struggles.
Anyway, it’s super-important to recognize these signs early on before those invisible walls feel too high to climb.
How to stop pushing people away?
Well, I am no longer happy to build walls whenever someone tries to get close. But how can I change it?
It starts with self-awareness and simple steps toward trust, healing, and vulnerability.
- Take your time. The best thing you can do is not to rush yourself. Answer this message if you can. If you’re not ready, that’s OK too. Just remember that easy actions can make a big difference.
- Talk about your feelings. After thinking, “Why do I push my boyfriend away?” it may be helpful to share what you feel. Maybe you’re overwhelmed by constant arguments, but being open can bridge the gap between you two.
- Set healthy boundaries. You don’t need to be the life of a party 24/7 and spend all your free time networking. It’s vital to understand what amount of communication is fine for you and seek balance.
- Treat yourself kindly. You might be burnt out, stressed, or overloaded, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Stop blaming yourself for not answering that phone call. You’re doing enough anyway.
- Reach out for help. If you keep pushing people away and feel bad about it, but nothing works, it may be a reason to contact a mental health professional. A therapist can offer valuable insights to help you reconnect with those you care about.
“My loved one pushes me away all the time. What can I do to help them and save our relationship?” Nicole Arzt, LMFT, answers, “Consider why they might be doing this. Try to hold some compassion for their desire for self-protection. Then, let them know how it affects you. Be honest without being shamed. See how you can compromise together to maintain a sense of closeness that suits you both.”
