Has somebody ever told you “I didn’t say that”, “You’re getting it wrong”, “It’s just a joke”, or “You’re overly emotional”? Such phrases can be the warning signs of gaslighting.
Gaslighting can sometimes be subtle or go unnoticed at first, but its effects can become deeply harmful over time. Let’s figure out the real reasons people gaslight, how it impacts the victim, and how to shut down a gaslighter and heal.
If you suspect your partner’s gaslighting behaviors may be linked to their narcissistic traits or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, you can take the narcissistic partner test. It can help you to better understand psychological manipulation, how to protect your mental health, and build healthy relationships.
While some gaslighters may exhibit narcissistic traits, not all manipulation is due to a personality disorder. Focus on behavior and its impact rather than diagnosis.
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse when one person manipulates another, making them doubt their own perceptions, the adequacy of their judgments, and even their memories [1]. As a form of abuse, it includes both isolating the victim and regularly instilling guilt in them, plunging them into a shame spiral. The abuser gradually undermines the balance and confidence of the victim for personal gain, dictating their will.
Gaslighting is not a new invention of modern pop culture, though the word has gained a certain cultural sharpness in recent years. It was even chosen as Merriam-Webster’s word of the year for 2022.
The term comes from a 1938 play later adapted into a film. It shows how a husband subtly manipulates his wife’s environment and insists she is imagining the changes. The lights grow dimmer; he assures her they have not. Over time, her certainty erodes. She begins to question reality and her mind itself.
3 Stages of Gaslighting
According to the research of psychoanalyst Robin Stern, a victim of gaslighting goes through three stages [2]:
- First, they notice the strange behavior of the abuser, but don’t want to devalue their relationship, thinking that this behavior will not happen again.
- Then they begin to doubt their own judgment and sense of self, but try to resist the gaslighter.
- On the third stage, the victim starts to believe that the abuser is right, feeling constantly wrong or guilty. They can no longer distinguish manipulations from real care and try to meet the expectations of the abuser.
Why Do People Gaslight? 5 Reasons and Gaslighting Examples
Gaslighting can come from a mix of motives, both conscious and unconscious. Here are some of the most common reasons and gaslighting examples, according to research on gaslighting in young adults [3]:
1. To Gain Control
Control is the first motive of gaslighting in personal relationships. The gaslighter gains power by dominating or manipulating the other person to make them doubt their own thoughts or perception. The more someone doubts themselves, the less likely they are to challenge the gaslighter’s authority.
For example, to control you, the gaslighter may try to convince you of your inadequacy using statements like “You’re imagining things again!”, “Something has been wrong with you for the last few days!”, “I think you’re out of your mind.” Such pressure provokes doubt, guilt, and helplessness in the victim. This, in turn, only increases the person’s dependence on the gaslighter’s version of reality.
Moreover, the gaslighter may tell you that people are talking behind your back. For example, “Don’t you know? The whole family thinks you’re losing your mind.”
Have you ever experienced gaslighting?
2. To Avoid Accountability
If someone twists the facts or denies what happened, they can avoid having to admit wrongdoing. When caught lying, a person may say, “You’re making this up. It never happened. I couldn’t have said that.” These are the most common statements gaslighters make, delivered in a confident tone.
For instance, your partner insists you “misheard” them agreeing to go to a family event. They deny it so many times that you may eventually question your own memories, leaving them free to do what they want.
3. To Maintain an Advantage
Gaslighting can also be used strategically to keep others emotionally dependent or second-guess themselves, and it can happen in the workplace as well, according to a qualitative analysis of workplace gaslighting [4]. For example, a gaslighting employer may say, “You’re lucky I’m even keeping you because your work isn’t that good,” after you’ve consistently met or exceeded expectations, making you doubt your worth and feel less secure about quitting.
Another example can be an adult child who brings up a painful memory from their teenage years, such as being criticized for their weight. Instead of acknowledging the hurt, their parent may respond, “You’re too sensitive. It was just for your own good.”
They may also use toxic statements and jokes like “Who else will tell you the truth?” or “Believe me, I’m saying this because I love you.” These phrases are usually followed by statements that are intended to hurt and offend the victim.
Eventually, this may lead to the victim beginning to believe that the gaslighter truly cares about them and only wants the best, while at the same time getting used to constant humiliation.
If you wonder how to increase your emotional intelligence in the workplace and strengthen your ability to recognize and respond to such gaslighting tactics in romantic relationships and other areas of your life, start by taking the Emotional Intelligence Test.
4. Protecting Self-Image
For people with narcissistic traits, admitting mistakes feels like a personal threat to their identity. Gaslighting allows them to preserve their self-image as “right” or “good,” and protect themselves from criticism or conflict, even if it means bending the truth.
As an illustration, a gaslighting husband may regularly emphasize that his wife forgets everything and never remembers promises. In this way, he makes her feel guilty and gradually makes her doubt that she is capable of remembering anything correctly.
Another common tactic of gaslighting in romantic relationships is shifting responsibility. The gaslighter will not admit that they are manipulating, saying, “It’s your fault,” or “You forced me to do this,” or “It’s all because of your carelessness!” As a result, the victim begins to justify the gaslighter and sincerely believes that they deserve everything that happens to them.
5. Learned Unconscious Behavior
Gaslighting can be modeled in childhood or past relationships, making it a default communication style. People may not even realize it’s abusive because it feels “normal” to them.
For example, someone raised by emotionally immature parents who frequently denied obvious problems might do the same in their adult relationships without seeing it as harmful. In the same way, children of narcissistic parents whose emotions weren’t validated in childhood may express gaslighting behaviors and devalue the emotions of their partners in an adult relationship.
They may say: “In reality, you don’t feel so bad”, “Your reaction is inadequate,” or “And you want to say that you don’t feel guilty?” That can make the victim think they experience “false” emotions and no longer understand how to feel their feelings.
What Kind of Person Gaslights?
There’s no single “type” of person who gaslights. Gaslighting is a behavior, not a fixed personality category, and it can show up under certain circumstances. It’s more common in people with certain traits, patterns, or relationship styles [3]:
- People with controlling tendencies and those who feel a strong need to dominate situations may use gaslighting as a way to keep others dependent, obedient, or off balance.
- People with narcissistic traits tend to struggle to admit their faults and may twist reality when they’re losing control to protect their self-image, avoid shame, or maintain superiority.
- Those in positions of power. Gaslighting can also be a strategic tool in workplace hierarchies, politics, or homes with dysfunctional family roles to maintain control and feel superior.
- Learned manipulators. People raised in a family with an abusive dad or a covert narcissist mother where denial, blame-shifting, or emotional abuse were common may use gaslighting as a communication habit, sometimes without recognizing its harm.
How Attachment Patterns Affect Gaslighting Vulnerability
Attachment theory helps us understand how early relationships with caregivers shape the way we connect with others as adults and whether we have attachment trauma. Our attachment style influences how we respond to intimacy, trust, and conflict, according to research on the psychobiology of attachment and trauma [3].
Gaslighting often interacts deeply with attachment patterns:
Insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized) can make someone more vulnerable to gaslighting because they may already struggle with self-doubt, fear, or abandonment, or difficulty trusting their own feelings. This can make the gaslighter’s manipulation even more effective.
- People with anxious attachment tend to fear rejection and crave reassurance, which can lead them to question themselves more when faced with gaslighting. They might stay in unhealthy relationships longer, hoping to regain approval.
- Avoidant attachment may respond to gaslighting by emotional unavailability or fear of intimacy, distancing themselves to protect their independence, sometimes missing cues of manipulation altogether.
- Disorganized attachments as a mix of anxious and avoidant traits can create confusion and chaos, making gaslighting especially damaging and hard to cope with.
On the gaslighter’s side, their own attachment style might drive their need to control or manipulate. At the same time, people with insecure attachments may use gaslighting as a defense mechanism to keep others at a safe distance or maintain a sense of power.
Effects of Gaslighting on Mental Health
The victim of gaslighting may experience feelings of self-blame and a diminished sense of self-worth. As soon as it happens, they become suggestible and can be convinced. The victim becomes completely emotionally dependent on the mood, opinion, and behavior of a gaslighter.
The longer the gaslighting lasts, the more the victim may wonder, “What is wrong with me?”. The consequences for mental health can result in increased anxiety, decreased self-esteem, and depression [6]. In addition, gaslighting may cause a feeling of depersonalization, making a person wonder, “Why do I not feel like myself?”.
Expert Insight
Gaslighting can have a profound impact on the victim’s mental and emotional well-being. Over time, it can erode a person’s sense of self, causing them to question their memories, instincts, and even their sanity. Victims often experience increased anxiety, chronic self-doubt, low self-esteem, and difficulty trusting themselves or others. In more severe cases, gaslighting can lead to symptoms of depression and emotional dependence. Because gaslighting is often subtle and persistent, it can be especially disorienting and hard to identify without external validation or support. Healing involves reconnecting with one’s inner truth, rebuilding self-trust, and, when possible, seeking help from a therapist familiar with emotional abuse and trauma recovery.
Abigail Fernald
Mental health professional
How to Shut Down a Gaslighter
Here are a few steps to spot and deal with true gaslighting:
1. Detect gaslighting
Pay attention to repeated patterns such as denial of facts, twisting your words, or situations making you think “Why do I feel guilty all the time?” Once you identify these behaviors, you can take steps to protect yourself.
Stay calm and avoid getting pulled into arguments. Stick to the facts, keep a written record of events, and trust your own perception of events.
2. Trust your own feelings
Start by giving yourself permission to trust your thoughts and feelings again. Keep a journal to record events and emotions as they happen. This helps validate your experiences and reminds you of your own reliability.
Breeze’s guided journaling can make this process easier. It offers prompts that help you unpack confusing situations, track emotional patterns, and see progress over time. Writing things down can turn vague feelings into insights and help you learn how to clear your mind.
3. Set physical and emotional boundaries
Decide what behavior is acceptable for you and communicate it. If someone repeatedly disrespects those limits, you may distance yourself or cut off contact if necessary.
4. Expand your social circle
Turn to people you knew before the relationship with the gaslighter. Find out how they see you personally from the outside, whether you have changed, how they see your relationship, and your partner. Try to get a different opinion, proof that you perceive reality adequately.
5. Seek outside perspective
Trusted friends, family members, or a therapist can help reality-check situations when you feel confused. A professional can help you understand your feelings, help you practice non-violent communication skills, and figure out how to change your life if needed.
If you’re in an unsafe situation or experiencing emotional abuse, know that you’re not alone. Support is available. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text “START” to 88788.
Recovery and Healing After Being Gaslighted
Healing from gaslighting is not just about ending the toxic friendships or any relationships when you feel like a failure. It’s about rebuilding trust in yourself and your perception of reality. The manipulation may have left you doubting your own memories, anxious, and feeling worthless, so recovery requires patience and intentional steps:
1. Heal from gaslighting with self-care
Gaslighting can make you blame yourself for “allowing” it to happen. Try to remember that manipulation is the responsibility of the manipulator, not the target. Speak to yourself with kindness and self-care, the way you would to a friend who’s been through the same experience. You may also use positive affirmations to help you learn how to love yourself.
The Breeze app can support you along the way with tools like daily affirmations, mood tracker, customized routine plans, and a variety of self-discovery tests and quizzes about relationships to help you rebuild confidence, trust your instincts, and create healthier connections.
2. Turn to a mental health professional for gaslighting recovery
It can be difficult to cope with some of the effects of gaslighting, like anxiety, low self-esteem, or depression, on your own. In this case, therapy may help you cope with it, learn how to detach from someone, and rely on yourself and your sense of self-worth again.
3. Build a strong support network
Surround yourself with people who listen without judgment, respect your feelings, and support your growth. Over time, consistent healthy interactions can retrain your brain to expect and accept respectful treatment.
Expert Insight
Recovering after being gaslighted involves rebuilding trust in yourself and reconnecting with your internal sense of reality. Because gaslighting often leads to chronic self-doubt and emotional confusion, healing starts by validating your own experiences. Journaling, therapy, and supportive relationships can help you reclaim your voice and identity. Setting clear emotional and physical boundaries is also key, especially if contact with the gaslighter continues. Working with a trauma-informed therapist can support you in processing the manipulation, restoring self-worth, and practicing nervous system regulation techniques to reduce lingering anxiety or shame. It’s also helpful to surround yourself with people who reflect your strengths, offer nonjudgmental support, and remind you of who you are outside the gaslighter’s narrative. Healing is not instant, but with time, safety, and intentional support, it’s absolutely possible.
Abigail Fernald
Mental health professional
Frequently asked questions
1. What does gaslighting say about a person?
Gaslighting often reflects a need for control, manipulation, or self-protection of image. Gaslighters use this manipulative tactic due to their insecurity, fear of being wrong, or a desire to maintain power in a relationship. In some cases, it’s intentional and calculated; in others, it’s a learned and unconscious behavior from past experiences.
2. What personality type is a gaslighter?
Gaslighting can be used by people with various personality types, but it’s more common in people with narcissistic personality disorder or with narcissistic, manipulative, or controlling traits. Not every gaslighter has a personality disorder, but patterns like lack of empathy, need for dominance, and attempts to avoid taking responsibility are often present.
3. Can a gaslighter change?
Sources
- Evita March, Cameron S. Kay, Bojana Dinić, Danielle Leigh Wagstaff. “It’s All in Your Head”: Personality Traits and Gaslighting Tactics in Intimate Relationships. June 2023
- Robin Stern. The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life. January 2018
- Bellomare M, Giuseppe Genova V, Miano P. Gaslighting Exposure During Emerging Adulthood: Personality Traits and Vulnerability Paths. June 2024
- Kukreja P, Pandey J. Workplace gaslighting: Conceptualization, development, and validation of a scale. March 2023
- Lahousen, T., Unterrainer, H. F., & Kapfhammer, H. P. (2019). Psychobiology of Attachment and Trauma-Some General Remarks From a Clinical Perspective. Frontiers in psychiatry.
- Tager-Shafrir, T., Szepsenwol, O., Dvir, M., & Zamir, O. The gaslighting relationship exposure inventory: Reliability and validity in two cultures. 2024
Disclaimer
This article is for general informative and self-discovery purposes only. It should not replace expert guidance from professionals.
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