Have you ever felt out of sync with your family?
Maybe you’re feeling the pressure to become a doctor and continue the family tradition, but all you dream about is being an artist.
Or maybe you crave an adventurous life, traveling the world, while your family prioritizes settling down and raising a family.
Those experiences might make you feel isolated and lost, leading to the main question: “Am I the black sheep of the family?”
But in reality, feeling different from your family doesn’t have to define you and your future.
So, what does it really mean to be the black sheep of the family, and is there a way to overcome it? This article might have the answers you’re looking for.
TL;DR
- Feeling like the black sheep of the family is common due to differences in beliefs, life choices, or personality.
- Signs include feeling like you don’t belong, having different values, or being the target of jokes.
- It can be tough on your self-esteem, but remember to be true to yourself. You can cope by accepting yourself, building a strong support system, and setting boundaries with family.
What is the black sheep of the family?
The “black sheep” idiom is centuries old. It refers to rare black sheep in white flocks whose wool was less valuable for dyeing, making them less wanted for farmers. But what does it mean to be the black sheep of the family?
While it’s not a clinical diagnosis, this term describes someone who stands out from the rest of their family, typically due to their beliefs, behaviors, or life choices. Sometimes, it results in being the middle child in the family.
Say, for instance, you are part of a family of lawyers. Everyone breathes law, conversations revolve around cases, and your dream of becoming an archaeologist feels outlandish.
Dismissive comments about “non-lucrative” work and its disconnect from “real life” might leave you feeling misunderstood and feeling you don’t belong here.
Unfortunately, such dysfunctional family roles and dynamics often negatively impact your overall well-being, contributing to feelings of loneliness, anxiety, isolation, or depression.
So, it’s worth asking where this comes from and what might cause this state of being the family’s black sheep. The following section might give you some ideas.
Why am I the black sheep?
There are many reasons why someone might feel like the black sheep of their family. Here are some of the most common causes:
- Differences in values or beliefs. This could be anything from religious beliefs to political views to life goals. Seeing the world differently than your family can create a feeling of being on the outside and like a real black sheep.
- Life choices. Maybe your career path, relationship choices, or even where you live don’t align with what your family expects. This can lead to tension, a feeling of not being accepted, and the thought that “I am the black sheep of the family.”
- Personality. Some people are just naturally more independent or rebellious than others. If you don’t fit neatly into the family mold, you might be labeled the black sheep of the family.
- Family dynamics: Sometimes, a family might make you a scapegoat child for the family’s problems. This also might make you feel like the black sheep of the fam, even if you haven’t done anything wrong.
- Emotional neglect: A less obvious but significant cause of feeling like a black sheep in the family is emotional neglect in childhood, which is a lack of validation from your family. If your family didn’t validate your feelings, interests, or individuality as a child, you might grow up feeling like you don’t belong. This can manifest as a strong sense of being misunderstood by your family, which may contribute to attachment trauma as well.
6 signs that I’m the black sheep of the family
Knowing the causes of being a black sheep in the family is essential, and we’re already familiar with them. But what are the signs to spot?
While everyone might experience these signs differently due to unique situations, no worries.
Here, I’ve collected the most common answers to the question, “Am I the black sheep of the family?”
1. You feel like you don’t belong
This is perhaps the most common sign of being the black sheep. You may feel like your family doesn’t care about you like you don’t share the same values or interests as your family members.
For example, during family dinners, you might feel like an observer rather than a participant or struggle to find things to talk about with your relatives.
Your ideas or dreams might be met with hurtful jokes and careless comments, which might make you feel you don’t belong to this family.
You may also feel like you’re constantly being judged or criticized, which may lead you to ask yourself, “Why do I feel guilty all the time?”
2. You have different values or beliefs
This could be anything from religion and politics to career choices and lifestyle preferences. If your family is very traditional and you’re a free spirit, or if they’re all doctors and you’re a musician, you’re likely to feel like a bit of an outsider.
For example, your family is very religious, and you aren’t. Family gatherings often involve discussions about faith, which make you feel uncomfortable and misunderstood, which might make you feel like the black sheep of the family.
3. You’re the target of family jokes
You might feel like the black sheep of your family if your relatives don’t take you seriously, constantly joke at your expense, exclude you from family photos, or forget about you when planning trips.
This could also be the reason you experience birthday depression if your family forgets or neglects to celebrate it.
Being left out in these ways could be a sign that you’re seen as the family’s black sheep.
4. You have traumatic childhood experiences
Experiencing childhood trauma within the family can make you feel like the black sheep.
You might be the only child who experienced emotional abuse from a parent, causing you to distance yourself from them and feel like you can’t trust your family members in the same way.
Or your mother was emotionally distant, unresponsive, or neglectful of your child’s emotional needs, which might be a sign of cold mother syndrome.
All those painful experiences might have lasting effects on your adulthood, potentially making you feel like the black sheep in the family.
5. You’re constantly compared to your siblings
It can take a toll on your self-esteem if you always feel like you’re coming up short compared to your siblings. Such comparison may also happen among children of narcissistic parents, making you feel competition every day.
And if your family constantly mentions your siblings’ accomplishments, you may feel even more like the black sheep of the family, asking yourself, “Why am I such a failure?”
6. You feel a sense of relief when you’re not around your family
Black sheep of the family may feel pressure to act or believe a certain way to fit in with their family’s expectations.
Family interactions can be filled with arguments or criticism for not fitting the mold. Distance allows a break from that negativity.
For example, after that tense family dinner, you feel a wave of relief returning to your apartment.
This relief doesn’t erase their love for their family, but it can be a much-needed break from an emotionally exhausting dynamic.
Effects of being a black sheep
Being the black sheep of the family can come with a bunch of challenges. Here are some of the effects it can have:
Negative emotions. Loneliness, feeling abandoned, sadness, anger, and even depression are all common. You might feel like you can’t be yourself around your family.
Self-esteem: Constant criticism or judgment from family might affect your sense of self-worth. You might start to question your own choices and decisions. This may also be a widespread experience for daughters of narcissistic mothers.
Relationships: If you feel like a black sheep of the family, building healthy relationships outside the family can be difficult if you struggle with feelings of rejection and loneliness. You might have a hard time trusting people or letting them get close.
Mental health: In some cases, being the black sheep may lead to anxiety, depression, maladaptive daydreaming, or even substance abuse as a coping mechanism.
Next steps to take
It’s important to remember that being the family’s black sheep isn’t always bad. It can be a sign that you’re independent and strong-willed.
If you’re struggling with being the black sheep of your family, there are steps you can take to cope.
- First, try to accept yourself for who you are. You don’t have to change to fit in with your family.
- Second, build a strong support system of friends and loved ones who accept you for who you are.
- Finally, if you dread family gatherings, it’s okay to limit your contact with your family or set boundaries.
