Self-sufficient and independent, they seem to need no one’s emotional support and can distance themselves as soon as the adult relationship becomes closer. People with an avoidant attachment style are characterized by a tendency to fear emotional intimacy and self-reliance.
Let’s find out more about types, signs, and examples of the behavior of people with avoidant attachment and why they aren’t “cold,” but self-protective due to early experiences.
What Is Avoidant Attachment in Relationships?
An avoidant attachment style is a type of attachment in which the person fears intimacy and feels uncomfortable trusting others with their own emotions. According to attachment theory, developed in the 1950s by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, there are four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
Avoidant attachment style, in turn, has two main subtypes: dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant.
People with this attachment style typically go out of their way to avoid emotional closeness in friendship, romantic relationships, and even family. Despite the “avoidant” coping strategy, people with this attachment style also crave acceptance and care, but they’ve chosen, usually unconsciously, this negative pattern to avoid getting hurt. This pattern can lead to difficulty building stable relationships in the long run.
Looking for tests and quizzes to learn more about your personality and relationship patterns? In the Breeze app, you can find an avoidant attachment style quiz, friendship quiz, introvert or extrovert quiz, and many more.
What Causes Avoidant Attachment Style?
John Bowlby believed that the primary attachment pattern is established in the first years of life and is determined by how consistently and sensitively parents respond to the child’s needs for safety and comfort. An avoidant attachment style develops in childhood when parents themselves are emotionally distant. They can be unresponsive or dismissive of the child’s feelings, telling them things like:
- “Don’t cry, it’s nothing.”
- “If you don’t behave well, I’ll leave.”
- “Go cry in your room, and come back when you calm down,” and so on.
Eventually, repeated situations where emotionally immature parents distance themselves, ignore, or devalue childhood experiences lead to the child no longer seeking help and learning to “avoid” closeness to protect themselves from the pain of rejection.
Children of narcissistic parents may also develop avoidant attachment to minimize their dependence on others. This may happen because a narcissistic mother or abusive dad can behave unpredictably, sometimes caring for the child, but other times being cold and critical. That’s why a child may develop self-regulatory mechanisms, telling themselves, “Don’t show that you’re feeling bad and don’t expect help.”
Avoidant Attachment vs. Secure Attachment
People with an avoidant attachment often believe they can only rely on themselves. They tend to value independence above closeness, feeling uncomfortable with too much emotional intimacy or dependence. When conflict arises, they may feel overwhelmed, avoid expressing their emotions, or fear losing control.
In contrast, people with a secure attachment style feel comfortable both giving and receiving love. They trust others, communicate their needs openly, and resolve conflict calmly. Securely attached people can balance independence with connection and know they can depend on others without losing themselves.
6 Signs and Examples of Avoidant Attachment in Relationships
Here are some signs that may indicate a person with avoidant attachment:
1. They devalue feelings and their role in life
A person with avoidant attachment may genuinely believe they “don’t feel much” or that “it’s not a big deal.” They may not know how to feel their feelings instead of rationalizing them. They may avoid emotional conversations, which may lead to conflict or misunderstanding. Partners might interpret their distance as indifference, when in fact it often comes from a deep fear of vulnerability.
One common avoidance trait is to perceive feelings as a distraction from effective work or logical decision-making. Compulsively keeping busy is a common coping strategy for people with avoidant attachment, according to research on attachment theory [2].
They can channel their energy into areas where they feel more control and less emotional risk, such as productivity and achievements. This focus can give them a sense of stability and competence, but may also serve as a way to keep emotional distance.
2. They fear dependency and want to have a “safe distance”
People with an avoidant attachment style can appear very self-sufficient and not need others because of their fear of being “too dependent” on a partner. In relationships, this may show up as discomfort with deeper commitment, such as moving in together or making long-term plans. When a partner pushes for more openness or emotional connection, a person with avoidant attachment may react by pulling away even further to regain a sense of control and space.
For example, when a partner takes a step toward deeper connection, people with avoidant attachment may engage in defensive behavior. They may begin looking for excuses to break up, highlight inconsistencies, or distance themselves as much as possible.
Even in long-term relationships and marriages, people with avoidant attachment may still maintain this distance, unless they transition to a more secure attachment style. For instance, they may spend weekends and vacations separately, maintain different social circles, or even keep intentionally incompatible work schedules with their partner.
3. They feel uncomfortable dealing with other people’s feelings in conflicts and expressing their own emotional needs
One of the signs of avoidant attachment is the unconscious suppression of emotions. During arguments and conflicts, people with this insecure attachment often shut down emotionally.
Instead of expressing emotions and discussing the problem, they may become silent, change the subject, or even leave the room. In the same way, they may also joke or use sarcasm to keep the conversation light and deflect deeper topics.
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4. They doubt their ability to make a partner happy
They may fear that they’re incapable of making someone truly happy or that being fully seen will lead to rejection. Because of this, they might prefer short-term or casual relationships, where emotional expectations feel safer and easier to control. Underneath this detachment is often a fear of disappointing their partner or being “not enough.”
5. They fall for unavailable people
In intimate relationships, people with avoidant attachment may choose unstable, low-involvement relationships instead of a secure attachment bond. It can be long-distance relationships or connections with emotionally unavailable people who are already involved with someone else, have commitment issues, or are simply emotionally distant.
6. They can quickly lose interest in their partner
For someone with avoidant attachment, one of the common patterns in relationships is becoming quickly focused on their partner’s flaws or feeling bored once the initial excitement fades. This tendency to find faults can be a subconscious way to protect themselves from emotional dependency and avoid deep adult attachment.
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships
According to research on anxiety disorders and intimate relationships, the desire to maintain control in people with this insecure attachment style often shows up in anxiety and fear of abandonment [3]. After some time in a relationship, they may feel overwhelmed and begin thinking about how to break up with their partner.
What Triggers Dismissive Avoidant Partners
What triggers a person with dismissive avoidant attachment is usually anything that feels like emotional pressure, loss of autonomy, or threat of rejection. Here are some common triggers:
- Emotional intensity and strong emotions like crying, anger, or confrontation.
- Feeling “trapped” or controlled may be perceived as a loss of freedom.
- Criticism or perceived rejection can trigger shame or defensiveness.
- Conflict or demands for deep talks may lead to avoidance or silence.
- If they sense their efforts are unappreciated, they may pull away to avoid further emotional risk.
- Overly affectionate behavior and excessive closeness can make them feel anxious.
Fearful (Disorganized) Avoidant Attachment in Relationships
Research on the behavior of people with disorganized attachment style shows that they can be jealous and distrustful of their partner’s feelings, as well as their ability to maintain a romantic relationship [4]. Therefore, they may self-sabotage in relationships, turning from loving and engaged partners into distant and apathetic ones for no apparent reason. According to another study on romantic self-sabotage, this type of behavior results from the fear of abandonment as well as issues with self-identity and low self-esteem [5,6].
What Does a Fearful Avoidant Need in a Relationship?
People with a fearful-avoidant attachment style need relationships that feel safe enough to be close, yet free enough to breathe:
- Consistency and emotional safety from a partner who is calm, predictable, and patient are necessary to feel secure enough to open up.
- Respect for boundaries to process emotions without feeling pressured or abandoned.
- Reassurance without over-dependence or control from the partner.
- Emotional regulation support from their partner who can stay grounded during conflict and teach them safety in closeness.
Can Fearful Avoidant Attachment Heal?
Expert Insight
Fearful-avoidant attachment can absolutely heal over time, with awareness and consistent emotional work. Healing often begins by developing a sense of safety—both internally and in relationships—so that vulnerability feels less threatening. Therapy can help explore early attachment experiences and how they shaped your patterns of closeness and withdrawal, while gently practicing new ways of connecting that feel both authentic and safe. Over time, as trust builds and emotional regulation strengthens, relationships start to feel more secure and less overwhelming.
Rychel Johnson
Mental health professional
How to Deal with Avoidant Attachment in Relationships
Healing attachment trauma is possible when people have common relationship goals and are willing to work on themselves:
4 Tips if Your Partner Is Avoidant
Adults with an avoidant attachment style may appear extremely independent, keeping their distance. Expect it to be difficult for them to open up at first. Here are some things that can help:
1. Respect their boundaries
For a person with avoidant attachment, distancing is a defensive reaction, not a sign of indifference. When someone pulls away, they do so to cope with anxiety, not to push you away, so try not to take things personally. If you’re understanding and patient, your partner may trust you more and open up.
2. Communicate your feelings without pressure
Calmly explaining how you feel and clearly articulating your expectations through an “I-statement” helps avoid misunderstandings. You may say, “I’d like to spend more time together, but I respect your desire to be alone,” or “I feel close when we talk like this”. This phrasing communicates your needs without blaming your avoidant partner.
3. Show interest
Ask open-ended questions like “How was your day?” or “What’s been on your mind lately?” and listen without judgment. You may also ask them self-reflection questions to show that their inner world is important and valuable to you.
4. Create predictability
An avoidant partner is more likely to open up when there are clear rules and agreements in place. If your actions are inconsistent, they may fall into a habitual pattern of avoiding intimacy. For example, a simple calendar of shared plans or at least an agreement to call regularly can give them a sense of security.
Expert Insight
It’s most effective to approach a dismissive avoidant person with calmness and emotional steadiness. Keeping conversations clear and grounded helps build trust. Instead of demanding closeness, express your needs gently and give them space to process without withdrawing affection or connection. Over time, consistent, safe communication—where emotions are shared without judgment—can help them feel more comfortable being open and emotionally present.
Rychel Johnson
Mental health professional
5 Tips if You Are the Avoidant Partner
If you wonder, “Why do I push people away?“, here’s how you can learn how to love yourself and trust your partner:
1. Spot your automatic reactions and try new strategies
The first step is to recognize the causes behind avoidance to change your behavior pattern. For example, when you feel the urge to withdraw and distance yourself, consider what exactly is driving it. Perhaps you feel like you’ve been communicating too much with your partner today, and you’re worried you might bore them. Or, a certain phrase reminded you of an unpleasant situation, making you want to end the conversation.
Intuitively, you may want to minimize communication and disappear for a while. Don’t force yourself to communicate, but try to explain to your partner what’s happening so they don’t blame themselves. Learning to recognize emotions like “I’m angry right now,” “I’m sad,” or “I feel lonely” may help you explore yourself and your needs.
Write down your thoughts and feelings at that moment. Try Breeze journaling with its guided prompts to capture your triggers and emotions.
2. Analyze your relationship patterns
Recognizing your fear of abandonment or betrayal may help you reduce its intensity:
- Remember how your past relationships ended and analyze the reasons.
- Is it possible that the cause was your fear of abandonment? Try to recall when and under what circumstances it arose.
- Analyze whether those experiences are similar to your current situation. Is your relationship at risk, or are you reacting out of old fears and habits that no longer serve you?
3. Reframe your negative beliefs
Avoidant attachment often comes with deep-rooted beliefs like “relationships never last” or “I’m better off alone.” These thoughts may have once protected you from getting hurt, but now, they can block you from building fulfilling relationships.
Try to replace self-defeating thoughts with positive affirmations:
- “It’s safe for me to rely on others and let them in.”
- “I deserve love that feels calm, consistent, and real.”
- “I can express my needs without fear of rejection.”
Use Breeze affirmations to rewrite your inner dialogue each day. According to research on the influence of self-affirmation on brain systems, repetition helps your mind slowly replace fear-based beliefs with ones grounded in self-trust and emotional security [7].
4. Seek emotional support from people with a secure attachment style
A securely attached person could also be a trusted friend or colleague. This communication may give you the experience of a truly secure relationship in which you are understood and accepted for who you are. You may learn that vulnerability doesn’t necessarily lead to pain and rejection and can strengthen intimacy rather than destroy it.
Try to adopt the behavioral patterns of people with secure attachment:
- they can maintain long-term close relationships;
- they can openly express their feelings, hopes, and needs;
- they can ask for help and provide support;
- they maintain emotional balance and calmly look for solutions in conflict situations.
5. Seek emotional support in psychotherapy
The most effective forms of psychotherapy for healing insecure attachment are those that involve working with emotional reactions. These include:
- Psychodynamic psychotherapy helps uncover the unconscious processes behind avoidance and explore the early childhood patterns that shaped this behavior.
- Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) focuses on identifying and fixing negative beliefs such as “I don’t need anyone” or “Showing weakness is dangerous”. The therapist helps develop new perspectives on intimacy and teaches emotional regulation.
- Schema therapy. Developed by American psychotherapist Jeffrey Young, schema therapy focuses on the “schemas” and “regimes” that are formed in childhood.
- Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) is most often used in couples work. For people with avoidant attachment, it helps explore and express emotions while learning to accept and respond to their partner’s emotional needs.
Frequently asked questions
1. How do avoidants show love?
People with an avoidant attachment style can show love through actions rather than words. They may express care by helping with practical tasks, giving space when needed, or being dependable, even if emotional closeness feels uncomfortable.
2. What is the best partner for an avoidant attachment style?
A good match might be the one with a secure attachment style. A patient, consistent, and emotionally balanced person may help someone with an avoidant attachment style feel safe and open up in deep emotional connections and trust an intimate relationship.
3. What happens when an avoidant is triggered?
When triggered, avoidants may maintain emotional distance to regain a sense of control. They might seem cold or detached, but in reality, they may be dealing with a fear of rejection or loss of independence.
4. Can an avoidant and anxious person make it work?
Yes, an avoidant and an anxious person can make it work, but it takes self-awareness and effort from both partners. This pairing is often called the “anxious–avoidant trap”, where one partner craves closeness while the other pulls away. However, when both partners communicate openly and work toward a more secure attachment style, the anxious partner can learn to self-soothe and give space, while the avoidant partner can practice vulnerability.
Sources
- Inge Bretherton. The Origins of Attachment Theory: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth.
- David A. Richards, Aaron Schat. Attachment at (Not to) Work: Applying Attachment Theory to Explain Individual Behavior in Organizations. August 2010
- Zaider TI, Heimberg RG, Iida M. Anxiety disorders and intimate relationships: a study of daily processes in couples. February 2010
- Cassidy, J., & Mohr, J. J. Unsolvable fear, trauma, and psychopathology: Theory, research, and clinical considerations related to disorganized attachment across the life span. 2001
- Peel R, Caltabiano N, Buckby B, McBain K. Defining romantic self-sabotage: A thematic analysis of interviews with practising psychologists. Journal of Relationships Research. July 2019
- Litvinenko, Irina. “Attachment Styles and Self-Esteem”. 2020
- Cascio CN, O’Donnell MB, Tinney FJ, Lieberman MD, Taylor SE, Strecher VJ, Falk EB. “Self-affirmation activates brain systems associated with self-related processing and reward and is reinforced by future orientation.” Soc Cogn Affect Neurosci. 2016
Disclaimer
This article is for general informative and self-discovery purposes only. It should not replace expert guidance from professionals.
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