What Is a Performative Male? Men Who Are Too Perfect to Be Real

An emotionally intelligent, stylish guy who drinks matcha and listens to Lana del Rey… Isn’t he a dream? In the world of toxic masculinity, such a man will definitely draw female attention. Or maybe it was his intention to start with…

The internet has a name for men who pretend to be something else for female approval. Meet performative males. This article explores whether being a “performative man” is a new form of self-expression for young men or if it is just another label for attention-seeking.

Meaning behind the “performative male” trend

Performance itself isn’t a problem, because everybody performs. According to Dr. Butler, a renowned American philosopher, gender isn’t something we’re born with. Gender is formed through “doing” it again and again [1] Performative Acts and Gender Constitution: An Essay in Phenomenology and Feminist Theory. Judith Butler. Theatre Journal. December 1988. .

For example, the stereotype that blue is for boys and pink is for girls appeared solely because it was consistently repeated. Caregivers clothed their kids in pink or blue and bought them toys in these colors. And then the kids themselves teased each other about these colors. The groupthink behind it turned a made-up idea into reality.

The paradox of performative men, though, is that they actually stop performing when they go against traditional masculinity, according to Butler’s gender performativity theory. They essentially stop playing the gender roles assigned to them by society.

Then, if performative males are the rare ones who don’t perform, why are they called performative? Men become performative, in the eyes of society, when:

• Their “non-traditional” interests are a curated identity they can switch on and off depending on the circumstances.
• They use this curated identity for opportunistic purposes, especially to draw romantic interest.
• Their feminist values and soft personalities do not reflect their genuine interests.
• They don’t enjoy the “performance” they put on in real life; they only enjoy social validation.

Social media users found humor in how performative males try to ruin the traditional male gaze by creating a completely different, but still a stereotype. In popular culture, such men are also called “matcha men” and “male manipulators” as the male equivalent of “pick-me girls,” a concept to describe attention-seeking women.

The “performative males” trend got offline. Now, men across the world gather for so-called performative male contests: a competition where participants humorously try to embody this archetype as convincingly as possible. People gather to mock the absurdity of modern dating and expose how fake the “support” of performative men feels.

Performative male starter pack: 5 signs of a performative male

Wonder how to recognize a performative male or suspect that you might be one? Pay attention to these 5 signs:

1. Superficial progressivism and pseudo-intellectualism.
2. Shallow following of the female gaze without understanding it.
3. Lack of authenticity.
4. Certain fashion styles and behaviors.
5. Low self-esteem.

Let’s explore these signs in more detail.

1. He’s progressive, but only on the surface

Performative males often try to look more progressive than they actually are by:

• Having traditionally feminine hobbies (journaling, floristics, crocheting, etc.)
• Appearing emotionally intelligent.
• Being pseudo-educated about feminism, mental health, and politics.

The difference between superficial and actually progressive men is consistency.

2. He pursues the female gaze

The archetype of a strong, cold-hearted, stoic man isn’t what women like, as studies show. A survey involving 60,000+ women from 180 countries revealed five traits that women look for in men [2] Ideal Partner Survey. Tanja Gerlach. University of Göttingen and MyONE Condoms. November 2019. :

• Kindness
• Support
• Intelligence
• Education
• Quiet confidence

Performative males build their image around this new image of a perfect man. But is it bad that men are responding to what women like? No, the only challenge is that “faking” kindness, support, confidence, etc., can’t be sustained over the long term without values.

Faking certain traits is demanding, and it’s just a matter of time before a “nice guy” resource is exhausted.

3. He chases a certain appearance

The internet has built an entire sarcastic aesthetic around the performative male. The main idea of a peak male performance is to tell others, “I’m not like the other men,” without saying that directly.

A typical performative male outfit consists of:

• Baggy thrifted clothes
• Tote bags
• Jewelry, especially rings
• Mullet haircut
• Wired headphones
• Matcha drink as an accessory
• Feminist or philosophical book somewhere visible

Again, none of these items makes someone a red flag. These have just become symbols associated with a performative male archetype. If you do wear them, it doesn’t make you performative, especially if you genuinely enjoy how you look.

4. He has hidden motives

The defining characteristic of a performative male isn’t his appearance or behavior; it’s his motivation.

Whatever a guy does—reads feminist literature, listens to Olivia Rodrigo, tries to appear nonchalant—would he do it if no one were around, especially women?

If the answer is no, here are a few reasons why young men can act so performatively:

• Need of belonging: adopting the visual appeal of a certain group is the quickest way to feel part of it.
• Need to stand out: from an evolutionary perspective, the need to stand out is an instinct to “justify” your importance and existence to the community [3] The need to be unique and the innovative behavior: The moderating role of supervisor support. Mustafa Bekmezci, Wasim Ul Rehman, Muzammil Khurshid, Kemal Eroğluer, Inci Yilmazli Trout. Frontiers in Psychology. September 2022. .
• Identity formation: experimenting with different personas helps young guys to figure out who they are and find their preferred social circles.
• Shortcut to girls’ hearts: standing out in the dating market increases chances to attract romantic interests.

5. He has low self-esteem

Ironically, performative behavior often comes from insecurity, even though it involves projecting confidence.

People with low self-esteem might not have that inner strength to say to themselves, “I’m enough for who I am. Someone will love me for my personality, not a curated fake image.” Only validation and attention from others temporarily give them inner peace that they’re enough.

Some performative males even develop a victim mentality, believing they’re misunderstood or unappreciated despite trying so hard to be “one of the good guys.” They deflect responsibility onto ungrateful girls, society, and social media just to portray themselves as powerless.

How performative masculinity can impact relationships

Not every performative man is intentionally manipulative. But when their identity is built around approval, it can backfire into hurtful experiences, like the ones girls shared below:

Bypassing women’s defenses to undermine trust later

When choosing a potential partner, it’s natural to assess them for red flags. So, a man who appears feminist, self-aware, and vulnerable can create a false sense of safety to later gaslight their romantic interest into believing they’re the problem. Something similar happened to this Reddit user:

Weaponizing vulnerability to use it against their partner

His kindness and openness may encourage you to share some of your most intimate experiences. But a man for whom it was never that deep, to begin with, can later use it against his partner, like in this case:

Using progressive values when it’s useful to them

He may say the things you want to hear on important matters like politics, culture, and personal preferences but act differently when it’s beneficial for him. A few women on Reddit described similar experiences:

Is it bad to be a performative man?

No, there’s nothing inherently wrong with performing. Everybody performs: we wear different clothes for interviews vs. friendly gatherings; we laugh at flat jokes to support our friends.

The mockery of performative men proves that men are judged more harshly for breaking gender norms. Because men hold so-called “societal prestige” in most cultures, progressive women are more encouraged to take on “elevating” masculine traits than men are to take “weak” female roles [4] The Primacy of Gender: Gendered Cognition Underlies the Big Two Dimensions of Social Cognition. Ashley E. Martin and Michael L. Slepian. Perspectives on Psychological Science. June 2020. .

But let’s imagine a scenario: A guy really wants to charm his crush, so he picks up a philosophical book to impress them. If he reads a book and learns something from it, is it still performance?

It’s the same approach as “fake it till you make it,” where practicing a behavior eventually turns it into a real part of your identity.

As a result, peak male performance tells us about a positive shift in society. For decades, men were rewarded for suppressing vulnerability. If today’s social expectations encourage them to become more sensitive and emotionally expressive, that’s progress.

While it’s not bad to self-express in any way, it’s not okay to use it as an excuse to manipulate people. Even if you, as a performative man, don’t deceive others, you still might deceive yourself. Living someone else’s life is exhausting, so we prepared tips below on how to lead a more authentic life.

Tips for performative males to be more authentic

Recognize yourself in these signs of performative masculinity? As a performative male, you have already made a huge step: realization. Self-awareness means that you’re on a life stage when you want to become a better partner and person.

The goal of these tips below is to help you understand who you really are and build confidence to be this genuine version of yourself in everyday life.

Do “I am…” Exercise

Write down ten statements that begin with “I am…” that you believe are true about yourself. Then write the opposite of each statement. For example:

• “I am mysterious” → “I am straightforward”
• “I am an intellectual” → “I am close-minded”
• “I’m not like the other men” → “I’m just like the other men”

This exercise is meant to show you that people are complex. You can like two contradictory things at once, and this doesn’t make you a poser. You can change. The more you think about yourself without labels, the more you’ll get comfortable accepting your sophisticated, sometimes conflicting, personality.

Diversify hobbies

“Peformative” hobbies are great, especially if you genuinely enjoy them. However, don’t limit yourself to hobbies that just look cool. Try so-called “geeky” hobbies you secretly wanted to try, or whatever your guilty pleasure is. Here are some ideas of unconventional hobbies that aren’t a social media stereotype:

• Conlanging: creating your custom languages.
• Postcrossing: sending and receiving postcards from across the world.
• Genealogy: exploring your family or local history.
• Citizen science projects: helping scientists to gather data for their studies.
• List-keeping: writing and categorizing your thoughts.
• Curating playlists: create highly specific music playlists for different areas of your life.

Of course, any hobby can become performative if you do it mainly to impress others. The best hobby, though, is one you’d happily do even without posting it online or telling anyone about it. 

Practice unconditional self-acceptance

Confidence grows when your self-worth doesn’t depend on being someone else. Remind yourself that you don’t have to earn acceptance by being this attractive, intelligent, or progressive archetype of masculinity. You can start with these steps:

• Noticing and stopping your inner critic.
• Replacing negative self-talk with supportive, compassionate words you’d tell to your friend.
• Avoiding comparing yourself to others and embracing your own path.
• Admitting and owning your mistakes because they don’t make you lesser.
• Taking care of your physical and emotional needs.

Consider therapy

Therapy is the most effective way to achieve both goals we discussed in the beginning: boosting self-awareness and living a more authentic life.

A professional mental health practitioner can help you understand if and why you live an inauthentic life. What hidden need do you satisfy this way? Is this an echo of trauma?

Then, you’ll challenge your beliefs about yourself and life that can limit you in some way. Eventually, you’ll learn how to tolerate disapproval and build confidence from within.

Can performative masculinity exist alongside genuine kindness and good intentions? Katherine Scott answers:

“To a degree. Performative masculinity can be a part of exploring one’s identity and pursuing authenticity. We all perform when we are trying to learn more about ourselves. It boils down to the ‘reasons’ behind the performance. If the soul drive for the performative male is to ‘woo’ someone into being with them, then they showcase themselves under false pretenses. When the performative male begins to bleed into lying, that’s when kindness and good intentions become lost.”

The bottom line

At its core, the idea of the performative male isn’t really about matcha. This is a discussion about sincerity.

At what point do we stop pretending and start enjoying? And why is everybody all of a sudden in the business of men who don’t agree with the traditional masculinity notions of strength and dominance?

The simple conclusion is to let performative men be.

As long as their “performances” don’t harm anyone, being performative is good. It’s a form of self-exploration. And self-exploration is amazing because who knows you better than you?

Sources

1. Performative Acts and Gender Constitution: An Essay in Phenomenology and Feminist Theory. Judith Butler. Theatre Journal. December 1988.
2. Ideal Partner Survey. Tanja Gerlach. University of Göttingen and MyONE Condoms. November 2019.
3. The need to be unique and the innovative behavior: The moderating role of supervisor support. Mustafa Bekmezci, Wasim Ul Rehman, Muzammil Khurshid, Kemal Eroğluer, Inci Yilmazli Trout. Frontiers in Psychology. September 2022.
4. The Primacy of Gender: Gendered Cognition Underlies the Big Two Dimensions of Social Cognition. Ashley E. Martin and Michael L. Slepian. Perspectives on Psychological Science. June 2020.